I'm here to tell you, in the midst of my Rocked-like-a-Hurricane Blogtopia, that you don't know me as well as you might think.
What many of you Infidel-ites may not have realized is that I have utter and utmost love for all things seafaring. Seafood, sea urchins, seamen, Chicken of the Sea... no creature residing in the Seven Seas is safe from me and my undying fishy affection.
Why, just the other day I was telling a fish story to my adorable, charming, mustache-bleaching friend, the incomparable Millie Chicken. I said to Millie:
"Millie, my love, whose lips are impossibly moist and appealing..."
Millie was a bit grossed out by this, I could tell, but continued to listen politely because that's what she does at any cost: listen politely. She's just that kind of girl.
"... Millie my angel, do you know what I love most in the world?"
"Me?" she guessed, tossing back her mahogany hair and batting her eyelashes.
"So close, but sadly, no... there is one thing on earth - OK, seven other things on earth - that I love more than you. No, actually eight, because Papi and the six kids are the first seven and then I was going to tell you this other thing that I really have a hankering for and I got so discombooberated that I lost count."
"Uh-huh," Millie intoned. I could tell she was getting bored. Of course - the topic had turned away from herself to something else.
"I really love fish."
"Fish?"
"Yes. Fish. I love to eat them. I even love to write songs about eating fish. How's this: Fishedy doo and a fishedy dye... Sammy Davis, Jr. had one glass eye..."
Millie tried to covertly glance at her watch - it was obvious she was uncomfortable - and then looked up at me. Her face was strange: it wore the look of someone who'd recently rocked out hard to Rod Stewart's "Infatuation" but had suddenly remembered that headbanging is best left to people under the age of twenty. Either that, or she was suffering a sudden attack of gas.
Then, it finally hit her. I'm talking it probably took a good fifteen minutes.
"You. Eat. FISH?"
"Yes, my choicest morsel."
"That is just sick," she spat in my face.
"Why, my dear, my darling one?"
"My... best... friend," she sniffled noisily into a yellow embroidered handkerchief, "was maimed by a harpoon!"
She whipped out this picture:
"They even had her STUFFED and MOUNTED!" she sobbed into my shoulder.
Well. Was my fish-face red that day.
I didn't stick around to get the rest of the story - a nagging voice in my fish-addled brain wondered how this was even possible - but you can imagine how awkward things have been between me and my beloved Millie ever since.
And that, my friends... is a fishy story.
