A Veritable Potpourri Of Pet Store Poppycock

Anyway, Poppycock is the official Infidel Word Of The Day. As such, I hope and yearn (bet you thought I was going to say pray, didn't you? Poppycock Prayers are blasphemous!) that you will henceforth find every opportunity you can to drop the word poppycock.
Anyway, we went to Petco today because our gorgeous pettable (Yeah, we pet our fish, and? At least we didn't name them Mrs. Paul and Gorton) Siamese fighting fish Phoenix and Poseidon have decided that they have such a sophisticated palate that they can't possibly dine on the .99 cent package of fish food I scored at the .99 Cents Only store. Snobs. Don't they know there are fish starving in Africa that would love to have their aquarium kibble?
Anyway, we spied with our Infidel eyes a garishly pink hamster cage. I asked aloud "Why? Why? Why?" Sunbum said "It's obviously a hamster-led stance for breast cancer awareness."

Anyway, we then spotted a box for a ferret habitat called "Ferretville." Sadly, it did NOT come with a lost shaker of salt, a sponge cake, or a woman to blame. The lettering on the box was in an unfortunate font style rendering the name to look like this: FEPPETVILLE. Sunbum blurted out "Hey, it's FEPPETVILLE where they make evil abomination hybrids out of a Muppet and a ferret!" "I think that Jimmy Muppet would probably cover a bitchin' song version of FEPPETVILLE. "Wasted away again in FEPPETVILLE.....searching for my lost baggy of dung....some people say that there's a weasel to blame....but I know, it's my own damn fault."

Anyway, and then we ran into a lady from church where we then proceeded to talk about our guinea pigs and their "furry butt chaps" that we have to trim on a regular basis.
Anyway, the cashier was an effeminate black dude and he kept loudly singing songs about Jesus at the register. We were his backup....temporarily. It was a long line and we got bored so we started singing "We got the fish flakes in our hands. We got the fish fllaaaakkkes in our hands....."
Anyway, we left before buying/adopting/taking any more pets to add to our ever-growing menagerie so I consider the trip a total success.

The Smiling Infidel Is Your Guide To Deviant Geology



It's of vital importance to learn something new each and every day. Today, the mini-Infidels learned of a magical body of water situated between Peru and Bolivia and bearing a majestically regal name......LAKE TITICACA! Reportedly the names Lake Boobycrap and Lake Tatapoo were already taken. Interesting to note that this could possibly be the place where Lola and Tony danced their last at the Titi.....Titicaca......stupid 70's censors changing Titicaca to Copacabana.



I recently became intimately acquainted with several variations of schist. I touched schist with my bare hands in the Geology lab and I was like "Oh SCHIST.....I got schist all over my hands!" I then told my lab partner that I thought he was the "SCHIST." Not surprisingly I had to study a lot of schist for my test. Schist, I can't wait for this semester to be over. This schist's too hard.....even though I am full of schist most of the time.

This be SHALE. Sentences uttered by me during the course of the class rock practical:

• "Oh SHALE no!"
• "What the SHALE?"
• "Yeah? Well you can just go to SHALE!"

Nobody is clamoring to be my Geology lab partner. I'm not really sure what the SHALE is going on with that. :(



This is a diagram of an AQUITARD. It's politically incorrect to say this but........ you know Clay? Yeah, it's true, Clay is a total aquitard! Remember shale? Shale is one of the biggest aquitards around! "You Might Be An Aquitard.........." That's going to be my signature routine when I hit the Geology standup comedy circuit. Will you be there to see me and cheer for me? No? Pssssshhhhhh, you're such a freakin' AQUITARD!

*****I'm the oldest student by far in this class filled with impressionable youngins. We have to use hydrochloric acid a lot in Geology. I told my teenage lab partner that now he can tell his friends that he was looking at cleavage, dropping acid, and rocking out at school. His horrified expression was priceless.*****

Oh Great, Another Mouth To Feed......

It's a GIRL! After going waaayyy past a Christmas due date, she's finally here! I'd like to formally announce the newest addition to the Infidel Family:
OPHELIA GUINEVERE
If we'd gotten a boy we would've named him OTHELLO LANCELOT. And then we'd have had to promptly hide all the little swords and itty-bitty action figure weaponry we have in this house.....you know, just in case.
Ophelia's furry like me but she takes after Papi in the super smarts department.
It won't be long before she can jump through flaming miniature hula hoops while wearing a purple tutu and playing Dueling Banjos.......and then we'll get a nice tip box and open a booth at the Flea Market to showcase her phenomenal talent.

Not to be outshone in the constant competition for attention around La Casa de Infidel, Reagan (The crotch-sniffing wonder dog) shows the world his talent: Brilliantly rolling himself up in his bedding like a gigantic Reagan Taco/Burrito.
I should be more circumspect about what pictures I post here. I know that "some" people in "some" cultures will misinterpret these photos as a recipe idea.
Well, good luck finding tortillas. Although, one could probably improvise with wonton wrappers for some delightful Reagan Egg Rolls.......

Our Emergency Food Storage Plan Has A Name....

It's Reagan: The Crotch-Sniffing Wonder Dog!

How much is that doggie in the window?
Well, I guess we should calculate that by the poundage, shouldn't we?
Our Church keeps questioning us via survey as to our food storage preparedness.
Honestly, most of the time we're just ecstatic that we've accomplished keeping our many mini-Infidel bellies filled up. I know that thinking about the future is important.....more than that, it's a commandment. We do have a small reserve but nowhere near the amount of supplies the church recommends per each household individual.
I'm thankful that we can add 85 pounds of fresh meat to our emergency food plan.

Some people give their dogs a flea bath.
We bathe our Reagan in meat tenderizers and steak seasonings.
Some people smother their dogs with love and affection.
We smother our Reagan with onions and gravy.
Some people feed their dogs homemade dog food.
We feed Reagan a fluffy bread crumb mix. It makes the most delightful stuffing.
Some people take their dogs on walks and to the doggy park.
We refuse to exercise Reagan. We want him fattened up.
Some people take pictures of their dogs.
We do too. And then we manually draw in the dividing lines that quarter him up into serving pieces.
Some people take their dogs to dog shows.
We take Reagan to the Meat Packers Of America Convention.
Some people teach their dog new tricks.
We've taught Reagan how to lay perfectly still inside a nice big Dutch oven.
Some people think that dogs are man's best friend.
I think 'Man's Best Friend' would make a great name for a dog meat seasoning packet.

Reagan is a beautiful dog on the outside but it truly is what's inside that counts, people.
Not to get all competitive and stuff.........but my dog is more delicious than your dog!

The Residual Effects Of Your Dog Reading The Children's Classic, Ferdinand The Bull

Here at the Smiling Infidel homestead, we're raising a kinder, gentler type of beast. Look at our usually ferocious Chocolate Labrador, Reagan, as he takes time out of his busy butt-licking schedule to stop and sniff the flowers. Oh, alright, he's really sniffing flowery weeds because we have a fat and lazy white gringa gardener named elasticwaistbandlady who sat around blogging this Spring instead of spreading the weed killer granules like she was supposed to. I wish I could fire her. It's so very nice to see Reagan expanding his smell palette outside of our crotches to include delicate floral scents too.