My Baby Is Growing Up So Fast.......

Can you believe it? Ophelia, the youngest member of the Infidel family, is already driving!
Granted, she doesn't have a license or insurance or even a Jack-In-The-Box antenna ball, but hey, those missing qualifications don't seem to stymie the thousands of folks driving every single day in these here United States.
Naturally, while elated at Ophelia's developmental progress, I'm still a trifle disappointed with her and the way she brazenly displayed her innate carjacking skills.
Poor Barbie was caught completely unaware as Ophelia ambushed her, nibbled on her head, and then crawled into the Barbiemobile for a quick joy ride around the living room.
I am Ophelia's mother and so of course I very sternly admonished my little guinea pig heathen for her criminal behavior before sentencing her to punishment in the Time Out Corner.
She pooped all over the Time Out Corner.
Such defiance!
I guess I'll have to dispatch the Rescue Heroes patrol car (with real working siren and lights!) to lay down the law with Miss Ophelia.
I should probably warn Jake Justice beforehand though that Ophelia has a thing for plastic men in uniform. He needs to be prepared when she strikes with sharp-toothed retaliation.
Ophelia, the Chomp&Gnaw Outlaw Scofflaw.

P.S. Ophelia won't be receiving her PHD, but we are working on a custom plate that says "OH GEE!" in reference to her initials O.G.

Oh Great, Another Mouth To Feed......

It's a GIRL! After going waaayyy past a Christmas due date, she's finally here! I'd like to formally announce the newest addition to the Infidel Family:
OPHELIA GUINEVERE
If we'd gotten a boy we would've named him OTHELLO LANCELOT. And then we'd have had to promptly hide all the little swords and itty-bitty action figure weaponry we have in this house.....you know, just in case.
Ophelia's furry like me but she takes after Papi in the super smarts department.
It won't be long before she can jump through flaming miniature hula hoops while wearing a purple tutu and playing Dueling Banjos.......and then we'll get a nice tip box and open a booth at the Flea Market to showcase her phenomenal talent.

Not to be outshone in the constant competition for attention around La Casa de Infidel, Reagan (The crotch-sniffing wonder dog) shows the world his talent: Brilliantly rolling himself up in his bedding like a gigantic Reagan Taco/Burrito.
I should be more circumspect about what pictures I post here. I know that "some" people in "some" cultures will misinterpret these photos as a recipe idea.
Well, good luck finding tortillas. Although, one could probably improvise with wonton wrappers for some delightful Reagan Egg Rolls.......

Kohl's Will Sell You A Fine Jew......But Only At Retail Prices

On Saturday I spied with my little eye this sign posted on the side of a rolling clothes rack at Kohl's department store.
The message is clear: If you want a Not Fine Jew on clearance with an additional 25% off, you'll have to go to the Woody Allen bin over on the Barry Manilow aisle.
I, however, opted to pony up a purse-load of shekels to pay full price for a Fine Jew over in the Adam Sandler section. I saw Ben Stiller and Jon Stewart hanging out over there, too.
Of course, a true Jew would be aghast at the thought of compliantly paying retail without any haggling or dickering.
And now I can't stop singing Madonna's peppy pop anthem 'True Blue' as "True Jew, Baby, I Love You......"
The main point is: One should never cheap out when it comes to the quality of Matzoh Balls. Never.

*Poor Barry. I actually feel bad making fun of him since he has been alive forever and he wrote the very first song....it was the song that makes the whole world sing......the song of love and special things!*

What? You're Still Talking About That Flippin Hurricane? Are You Ever Going To Get Over It?

It's only been 3 weeks since Hurricane Ike blew through. No, I'm NOT over it yet.
My Papi lost his office building to a tornado that spun off from the Hurricane.
It landed on the building, shattering windows and flooding the lower level.
We still have damage to our house and we're still trying to recoup the loss of two refrigerators worth of food.

Things are just now starting to feel a little like normal again.

I'm usually loathe to read The Houston Chronicle. However, the front page story last week made me giddy with joy.
Meet 60 year old Madelaine Carter, who, as of last Thursday, still didn't have her electricity back on.
When asked by the reporter about her situation and how it felt to be surrounded by others who were enjoying their restored power, she was quoted as saying, "Everyday is pretty much the same. You sweat, and you HATE everyone."
I'm nominating Madelaine Carter as the unofficial spokeswoman for the Houston Hurricane aftermath.
I HEART her to the infinite butt-sweat towel power!

Houston is known by many titles:
Space City
H-Town
Bayou City
Home Of The Smiling Infidel
4th Largest City In America
Fattest City (Awarded By Men's Health Magazine)
Beyonce's Hometown

After seeing the mountainous piles of tree remnants stacked up in neighborhood yards awaiting city pick-up, I considered another title to add to Houston's impressive profile.
Houston: Firewood Capital Of The World
This picture would look fantastic on some new glossy travel brochures touting the firewood surplus that Houston has to offer.

I maneuvered the mighty Infidel truck into a squealing U-Turn so I could go back and take a picture of this little irony in action.
Out of the 6 businesses in this local shopping strip, Lucky Money was the ONLY one that sustained major smackdown damage.
Lucky Money......Or Is It?
I guess Hurricane Ike and I share mutual feelings regarding check cashing "services". You'd be better off doing business with greased-down, slicked-back Tommy Salami over in Little Italy.
Tommy will offer you a more reasonable interest rate.

I drive past this house every day and I still can't get over my amazement at the tremendous force that ripped up their colossal tree, roots and all.
Using this picture as a guide, it's somewhat difficult to gauge the staggering height of the huge chunk of formerly front yard turf standing straight up.
It extends all the way to the tippy top of their second floor roof line.
For reals.

We nicknamed this tree in bondage, "Gulliver" because it appears as though a tribe of Lilliputians showed up, tied it up, and staked it up so that poor "Gulliver" can never escape and run free with any roving gangs of young, rebellious trees.

There's many of us around here that can now proudly display a "LANDSCAPING BY HURRICANE IKE" sign in our yards.

It's interesting to note that when you play the Scissors, Rock, Paper game in nature, the paper will usually win.
Paper comes from trees, right? And these trees decimated everything they fell on. They crunched and munched their way through a couple tons of SUV metal along with a sturdy rod iron fence.

We met this friendly father of four while pumping gas a week ago. Like us, he still didn't have water or electricity but at least he had an important message to share with the World:
"Protect Your Nuts"
We would all be wise to hearken upon this wise counsel.
I'm happy to report that our nuts remain blessedly intact to see another day from the inside of a nice loaf of banana nut bread.

There's Even More Stupefying Hurricane Pictures Over At Boston.Com

Welcome To The Elastic NO POWER Hour!!!

The final Infidel Blackout Tally? NINE DAYS. Nine very, very long days deprived of electrical power, Internets, and sanity.

So, what does one do to pass the time when suddenly thrust into a primitive world devoid of modern technology?

I don't know if EVERYBODY was Kung-Fu fighting, but my mini-Infidels sure were. Why yes, their moves are as fast as lightning when they move with expert timing.
Right about now, Master Jason wishes he'd devised a way to hook up his students to a converter that would at least harness enough butt-kicking energy to power the A/C and a few fans.

Spaghettios........they're not just part of your completely crappy dinner anymore! Stef Knee busied herself making profoundly enlightening Spaghettio People art. Here she is with the masterpiece she calls "A Portrait Of Limbless Spaghettio Siamese Twins And Their Pet Pig Whom They Can't Actually Pet Because They Don't Have Arms."

Our neighbor has a lime tree with heavy fruit-laden branches that hang down into our yard. Reagan, the crotch-sniffing wonder dog, likes to play ball with the limes before devouring them. He's one third of the way towards becoming a doggy alcoholic. He's got the limes but hasn't fetched any salt or Jose Cuervo to go with it just yet.
Reagan also enjoys putting his paws on our shoulders while prancing around on his hind legs. He usually couples that with simultaneously chewing on his latest lime conquest.
We call it "Texas Lime Dancing."

We thought it only fair to give ample warning to any crusty criminals skulking about our property. Although we didn't have electricity to operate our home security system, that certainly doesn't mean that we didn't arm ourselves with a backup plan.
PROTECTED BY INFIDEL NINJA SPORK WARRIORS sounds infinitely more terrifying than a PROTECTED BY RADIO SHACK sign, don't you think?

Candlelight Dinners= Tres Romantique!
Crapping By Candlelight? Umm, not so much.

Candlelight Tweezing= Oh Baby, PLUCK ME....PLUCK ME........PLUCK ME MORE! As AC/DC should have sang it, "You PLUCKED Me All Night Long."

Candlelight Hurdling= In preparation for the JACK BE NIMBLE/JACK BE QUICK CANDLESTICK GAMES.

We grew accustomed to getting lit every night. That sounds sort of wrong, but you know what I mean. As an added bonus, nine days of candle use resulted in a massive accumulation of fruity-scented wax. I'm going to carve an exact likeness of myself out of it.

Always the entrepreneur, my Sunbum decided to capitalize on the power outage by opening up her own door-to-door Underwear Washateria and Professional Skidmark Removal Service. Ahh, my Sunbum, making her mark by erasing the marks of others.

She didn't have to look far for her first customer. Desperate and down to her last pair of fresh undies, Stef Knee hired Sunbum to do the job that no other Infidel wanted to do.

Our neighbor gifted us with a box stuffed full of Vienna Sausages. I think this situation falls somewhere under the "Love Thy Neighbor" statute and so I had little choice but to graciously accept his inedible weenie bits-and-pieces.
Weenies In A Box= Fun For The Whole Family!
Forget that ridiculous Speed Stacking Cup sport, we made our own new and improved Infidel version!
Speed Sausage Stacking.........coming soon to a Food Pantry near you.
Our runner-up idea for using orphaned cans of unwanted Vienna Sausages was to stage a sort of 2008 update of the "Hands Across America" movement. We were going to call it "Vienna Sausages Across America Across The Atlantic Ocean And Back To Vienna Where They Belong."

So much action and adventure and it was all powered on nothing but pure, unfiltered Infidel awesomeness!

We Came, We Saw, We Cooked It Up And Then We ATE It Up!

"The entire world may crumble down around us...........but we shall rise up and deflect the descending debris with our swollen, well-fed bellies."
-Elasticwaistbandlady 2008

"Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die."
-The Big Book Of Overused Expressions So Old They Fart Dust

For all the concerned people that wondered if we Infidels have enough to eat in the face of such calamitous conditions, the answer is.....YES!!!! Heck Yes! A whole YES World Tour filled with YES men and YES groupies! (even though I really only like that "Owner Of A Lonely Heart" song)

There's something you should understand: Food is/was/always will be my primary source of concern when it comes to preparing for conditions that may threaten the link between the Infidel family and our outside food sources.

I toiled away in the kitchen all day on Friday, like a proper Molly Mormon, in anticipation of Hurricane Ike. Yes, I was even barefoot.

Here's my sunny Sunbum loading caramel icing onto the hot rolls we scored at the 99 Cents Only Store.

What better way to send out an "S.O.S" than by making some hot, sloppy S.O.S. for dinner?

S.O.S= Sheet On A Shingle
Let's hear ABBA sing a song about that!
Actually, I could use some of that pasty sheet to hold down my roof shingles. They didn't fare so well in the face of 85 MPH winds.

I often cook big pots of chili and then look for cryptic hidden messages that brew up in the spicy tomato sauce.
It's like reading tea leaves or lazily gazing at the sky while pointing out giant peg-legged elephants you see hidden amongst fluffy white clouds.
In this pot I found one yellowish, demonic-looking eyeball and an arrow sign.
I need to find a chili pot message interpreter to tell me what this all means, S.T.A.T!

And on the first day of the storm, The Smiling Infidel created a pan of cornbread........and it was declared delicious by all who feasted upon it.

The mini-Infidels scoffed at me because when I heard that Houston would be shutting down in anticipation of the storm, I frantically called over to Mr. Gatti's and ordered four large pizzas with my $7.00 coupon.
Pizza makes for mucho bueno emergency food storage. Some like it hot. Some like it cold. Some like it in the pot nine days old.
That last group is a bunch of pizza-torturing weirdos. Stay far, far away from them.
The funny thing is that my Visiting Teacher stopped by with some homemade goodies to tide us over and then guess where her next stop was?
Go on. Guess.
Yes. She was going to stock up on pizzas to feed her houseful of teenage boys.
She's from New Zealand, but even New Zealanders know what to do in the event of a Hurricane/Cyclone. CALL FOR PIZZA!

We may have been out of work, but that don't mean we can't still make us some bread!

I cooked more stuff but I'm tired of uploading pictures.
Here's my Papi sprawled out on the Infidel Bed of Love featuring Semi/Sort Of/Used-To-Be White sheets.
He's undoubtedly inhaling the scentalicious aromas of all the many things I whipped up throughout the day, and dreaming that he somehow lucked out and won The Stepford Wives Sweepstakes!

*We're STILL Without Any Electricity. I Post-Dated This Yesterday For Today. Think Of It As An Emergency Infidel Blog Post Storage!*

Hair Today......GONE Tomorrow!

I'm not only a fatigued homeschooling/working/blogging mother of 6 mini-Infidels but I'm also the President of a local bank. I bet you didn't know that, did you?
Yes, we opened the First United Infidel Hair Bank about two years ago. Naturally I selected myself as the most qualified El Presidente to handle Hair Bank business.
Deposits have trickled in slowly but the hair market is a solid one that grows at a nice and steady pace.
Last week we decided to liquidate all of our accumulated tress assets. The snippets of hair weighed right around 2 pounds in totality!
We then transferred ownership over to the Locks Of Love organization so that our severed ponytails-minus the split ends- may live on through others.
That picture I posted in the sidebar of my curled coif with hair descending down to the middle of my back? Yeah well, as of last Monday, it's completely outdated.
I'm now sporting a sensible chin-length bob with cute little layers that curve around my face. My hair's short but there's still enough there to utilize as a privacy curtain so I can shield others from seeing me blush in an awkward situation emergency. That's a very important hair feature to have.
Not to worry, our First United Infidel Hair Bank may have closed up shop but the Severed Ponytail Society lives on! Us Hair-i-tics are intent on growing a fresh new crop of donations by the end of next year.

The Infidel Family Actually Leaves The House To Go Somewhere: A Pictorial

Yes, the Infidel World Tour rolled through town last Friday. We made sure to hit all our favorite stops because I wouldn't want any of the cashiers at the fantastical 99 Cents Only Store to think that we've fallen out of love with them. Never take your 99 Cents Only store for granted, people.

Our first tour destination landed us smack in the middle of the Public Library where we observed the most unholiest of unholy children's section decorations. Minnie Mouse is either angling for a role in a Disney remake of King Kong or she's interested in getting this big fella back to her place so she can finally procure that luxurious gorilla fur coat she's always dreamed about.

I'm not sure what rigorous event they put these prunes through to call them "Champion" but I do know that according to the box you are forbidden from eating them anytime other than breakfast. Oh, and the prunes also have pits. I'm praying that doesn't mean armpits.

Spanish Telenovela-styled drama at the 99 Cents Only Store! We love our hot and spicy Abuelita mucho mucho-and so naturally we were greatly distressed to find that Abuelita's new boyfriend, Don Gustavo has taken over her company. Oh sure, he may look like the epitome of elderly sweetness behind his adorable little spectacles, but inside brews a company-stealing monster who wooed Abuelita and then snatched her business out right from under her. Poor Abuelita.

(Yes, I make up melodramatic back stories for my Mexican cinnamon chocolate beverage products, don't you?)

The 99 Cents Only store envisions a brave new world where all fast food is made out of marshmallows.........

and people will drink their juice out of grotesque bug carcasses.

Here's comes Peter Cottontail....hopping down the bunny trail......well, the "bunny trail" is actually code for Aisle 8 at the 99 Cents Only Store. Yes, now you too can celebrate a one-of-a-kind Easter in July with these delicious treats.....because food poisoning is timeless.

Sunbum's Addiction.

These almond cookies are seriously delicious.

Beware the zombie starfish tub toy!!!! Any film called Starfish Zombies would spawn a zillion sequels due to the starfishes unique ability to regenerate itself.

Racially insensitive socks. Seriously, these win the prize for the most WTF? socks ever in recorded history. And what is the significance of the little For Sale sign? Is this unwrinkled Raisinette/Milk Dud/prune with legs a real estate agent? Maybe he's pimping himself out and he's actually the one for sale? So many questions that only a professional sock interpreter can answer.

Pirate's Booty Potato Chips: The Best Kind Of Booty Call! Yeah, I groped me some Pirate Booty at World Market!

Kung-Fu Fido Fortune Cookies For Dogs, as seen on the shelves of World Market. Our resident crotch-sniffing wonder dog, Reagan doesn't need a cookie apprising him of his fortune because I tell him every day, "I See A Sausage Factory Looming In Your Future If You Don't Stop Scratching Up My Windows." See? I could totally be a canine fortune cookie writer.

I have an unhealthy obsession with edible drinking cups. It began somewhere in my childhood when I saw Willy Wonka crunch into this tulip-shaped teacup he plucked from a bush. Anyway, Willy Wonka had to contend with a crispy cup that sounded like it was made from a stale rice wafer. I'm opting for these made out of Belgian chocolate.

The stockers at World Market must have a lot of fun when they decide where to shelve merchandise. What else can explain the cans of Spotted Dick juxtaposed next to the Wing Nut containers? If you combine a Spotted Dick with a pair of Winged Nuts you'll get the oddest dragon-ish mythological creature ever created.....probably the blindest and the dumbest, too.

I scoped out these Poker Pretzels for bloggy friend and Mistress Of The Poker Table, Alice. Pretzel diamonds can also be a girl's best friend.

And finally I'd like to conclude the Infidel World Tour by showing the "obvious much?" label on this nutty bag of Naked Nuts. Okay, it's a sack of peanuts manufactured by a company called Naked Nuts and yet they still had to post a disclaimer on the back stating: Manufactured in a facility that uses Peanuts and other nuts.

You know what I loved the most? The very stoic cashier-who's checked us out nearly every time we venture to the 99 Cents Only store-never cracks so much as a smile at us. Well, while he was ringing us out I was busy taking pictures of the Naked Nuts on the conveyor belt. Suddenly my mini-Infidels started whining, "Mooooom, he's done. You need to come pay now." And so naturally I told them, "Not now. I'm busy playing with these here Naked Nuts."

We actually scored an LOL-moment from the Cashier. Yesssssss!