Hey, Who Put The 'Hit Me!' Sign On The Back Of My Truck?

NOT The Official Truck Of The Smiling Infidel--------> My F-150 is crumpled and slated to be picked up by a salvage crew tomorrow.
This morning I proved how 'HARDCORE' and 'BAD ASH'(badder ash than jean knee, anyway) I really am because a random stranger wanted to hit it with me. And they did too, taking me by surprise from the rear. Yeah, I'm a big hit. A really big hit.

While blithely driving down the road this morning, a full sized GMC truck slammed into me going between 50-60 miles per hour. We weren't at a red light. I didn't have my brakes on. There wasn't any other traffic at 5:15 A.M. except us. The force of the impact knocked the sandals right off my feet. She hit me so hard that:
1. The XM Satellite Radio display dislodged from the dashboard.
2. The tailgate of my truck got pushed all the way up into the rear tires.
3. The front bench seat of the truck completely broke and flopped backwards.
And then, as I lost control of my truck on the rain-slicked road, and finally managed to stomp on the brake, the little beyotch who hit me jumped out of her completely demolished truck, apologized, blamed the accident on her brakes failing, and then ran off. Yes, she freakin ran off under the pretense of searching for a pay phone and never came back to the scene of the accident.

So, what does that mean for me and my Infidel truck? It means that:
1. I assume she doesn't have any insurance and my insurance will have to absorb the cost.
2. I refused medical treatment because I don't have health insurance and I'm scared to death of how much ambulance and medical bills could amount to.
3. I have a huge bump on the back of my head and bruises running the entire length of my left leg along with a stiff neck.
4.My boss came over with his truck and I had to go and throw the rest of my route with a splitting headache because I criss-cross back and forth and nobody could finish it but me.
5. My beloved truck, so very close to being paid off in 18 months, is likely totalled and I'll have to start all over again. (I got the call this afternoon. It IS totalled.)
Luckily, my officer friend who looks the other way when I run stop signs on my route, came within 3 minutes of me calling him and worked the accident scene, saving me from having to pay a tow truck fee by telling the guy to charge it as a county tow.

I walked away from a really bad accident relatively unscathed even though I wasn't wearing a seatbelt. The wrecker guy told me the newspaper bundles absorbed a lot of the force, thus saving me from further damage. I didn't have any of my mini-Infidels with me. I didn't injure my golden, money-making, paper-throwing arm. I have really good insurance with Progressive who got me a rental vehicle and claims adjuster within a couple hours. I was able to save my cherished butt towel before it got towed away. Yep, I be one blessed Bad Ash Infidel, alright.

I Wonder If I Could Use A Celebrity Twin Discount Down At Denny's?

Annie over at Anniethology wants to see your celebrity look-alikes! Forget about Simon Says-that's so old school. I compliantly obey with whatever Annie Says!

One day I hope to meet my Grudge look-alike and together we'll lock arms and sing selections from that musical tale of revenge and woe, 'West Side Story.' "I feel pretty, oh so pretty. I feel pretty, and witty, and GAY!"

My very simian-like arms are definitely ready for their close up, Mr. DeMille! I'm just waiting for yet another installment to the Planet Of The Apes film franchise to show off my natural talents. Like my hairy arms? I got the matching mustache and sideburns too!

Elastic And Her Towel Of Many Colors......coming soon to a shower near you. I wish I was as pretty as toothy Donny Osmond.

It's The Most Stinkiest Time Of The Year.......

Here's a picture of the hardest working butt towel in all of Houston!

The unmistakable signs of spring has begun it's showy annual parade. Everything's blossoming up, providing large swaths of color all around the Infidel homestead. Perky daffodils, the shade of effervescent sunshine, dazzle all those who pass. The chirping of spring's official harbinger, the magnificent red-boobied robin, echoes through the lushly green and scenic landscapes. A steady rise in temperature means the ever abundant Houston hoochy mamas can finally exchange their sensible warm clothing for the more skankarific staples in their closet. Those poor Daisy Dukes and matching sparkly tube tops really suffered through a long dormant winter season. Like the famed rodent, Puxatawny Phil, sticking his head out of the ground to signal the impending arrival of spring, we Houstonites look towards the first sighting of the cagey half-naked woman strutting around the jungles of Wal-Mart, her natural habitat.

This week, the biggest, grandest, whiffiest, most tell-tale sign of spring reared up from the rear. My rear, to be exact. Yes, when the heat is on, I sweat. A lot. The time has drawn nigh to break out ye olde butt towel to line my truck seat with. Oh, glorious butt towel.........Master of super butt sweat absorbency and long faithful servant to The Smiling Infidel. May you live to fight and soak up butt puddles for many years to come. You know that song that goes, "Flowers in her hair, flowers everywheeeerre?" We sing it, "Butt sweat in her chair, butt sweat everywheeeeerrre!" At no point does our version mention anything about anybody loving "The Butt Sweat Girl," though. Oh, que triste. So, here's to you, my beloved butt towel, for all that you do, and the sweat that you stop from seeping through. I salute you! Woo Hoooo!