The Smiling Infidel Has Dirty Fans

It's true. My fans are dirtier than your fans.
Say it with me: How dirty are they?
Oh, very dirty. Very, very dirty.
Dirtier than dirty rice on a dirty floor, dirty.
Until last Friday my ceiling fans were so filthy stinkin dirty that when the oldest Infidel daughter voluntarily cleaned them, the youngest Infidel daughter, Melody looked up with her eyes wide in sheer wonderment as she exclaimed, "Wow! You shaved the gray beard off the fan!!!"
Yes, perhaps I can knit everyone on my Christmas list a nice Nordic-patterned loincloth and matching legwarmers out of the extraordinarily thick and wooly fan dust we collected.
I'm better at making up creative stories than I am at cleaning.
Don't get me wrong, I'm totally grateful to my daughter for braving the dust bunny army marching across the fan blades but it's not like I didn't already have an embellished cover story concocted to explain it away to family coming to our house for the holidays.
I was simply going to tell them that fluffy ceiling fans from the Fuzzy Wuzzy Fan Company are all the rage among the fashionable set in Europe.
Or that I'm a pioneer in the homegrown Gray Toupee business.........or that I'm decorating my whole house in a dingy shade of gray and I color-coordinated the fans first to match everything.
If that fails I suppose I could sprinkle some star-shaped glitter into the piles of dust and sell it at the Flea Market as genuine Stardust.
See, in the time spent writing this post I could have been making money with my vast collection of fan dust.
You should be paying me for my valuable time that I spend here instead of cleaning.

My Neighbors Are Dirty Swingers

Don't believe me? Just look at this filthy display they've plopped right in the front yard for all the world to see.
Have they no decency? Whatever happened to shame? Did they leave this out in the open as a sort-of invitation for any and all passerbys to join in with them and their dirty swinger lifestyle?

Well, dangit, I want to be a dirty swinger, too! We have more trees than these people do-and I can surely rustle up some sofa cushions, rope, and white duct tape to make my own set of impoverished Third World Neighborhood swings. I may even add some festive ribbons and a cowbell so that mine's fancier than theirs.

Once I get these marvels of the swinging industry up and running, I'll invite you all to my Welcome To Swingtown! party. I hope you don't mind dropping your keys into a giant empty pickle jar so that we can play a little swap game called Swinger Switcheroo. I'd like to keep my naughty swinger freak side, satisfied.

My House Is More Ghetto Than Your House: Our Misfit Microwave

It's a heartbreaking fact of life- our deformed microwave will never be able to send out communicative signals across the ether to CB Radio users.
If the microwave suddenly did develop that power ala some bizarre twist of fate that only a complicated sci-fi movie plot can explain, I imagine the conversation would likely go as follows:
CB Radio Operator: "10-4 Little Buddy. What's your handle?"
Misfit Microwave: *sniff* "But, I don't have a handle.....why, oh why must the world discriminate against the hapless handle-less?"

Handle With Care

When the handle unexpectedly snapped off into my hands I vowed to take what was broken and make it whole again. So I did what all mothers with huge herds of destructive children do........I threw it into the pile of broken crap that gets lovingly pieced back together with Superglue or Duck Tape at the end of the week.

Shockingly, not even Gorilla Glue contained enough brute strength to get a handle on this no handle situation.

"I Can't Handle It Anymore!!!" Yeah, literally.

So what does one slightly impoverished Infidel woman do when replacing an expensive kitchen appliance is out of the question and out of the budget? Well, she consults her handy book, Secret Confessions Of A Compulsive Jerry-Rigger for an easy-fix solution.

Epiphany! I can knife the microwave to get it to open up and give me what I want.

It's not what you think......we began implementing the use of our butter knives- sticking the ends of the knife into the microwave door crevice while we pull and tug and pry the door open.

You see, all those crowbar techniques learned out on the mean streets can be modified into some mighty practical domestic skills!



*Yeah, that's our 5 year old, Melody cheerfully knifing the microwave. Our kids learn early on that it's every man for himself around here. If you want your instant oatmeal cooked in the morning you better learn how to manipulate the intricacies of the handle-less microwave. Survival Training!*

My House Is More Ghetto Than Your House: Window Covering Solutions

The Problem:
Our back door is located in the kitchen area and it faces West. The afternoon sun intrusively barges in through the large rectangular windowpanes practically blinding us while we're trying to stuff our faces at meal time. The back door window also lets in too much heat making an already stiflingly hot kitchen just unbearable. Our back door offers a scenic view of the 2-story home behind us whose bored kids constantly sit in their upstairs window watching our house like they're on some sort of Food Patrol surveillance. I think they want to steal my super secret Tater Tot Casserole recipe so they can pass it off as their own and rise to the top of the Mediocre Cooking TV Show circuit.

Another Problem:
We don't exactly have the money for store bought window treatments right now. Yeah I own a sewing machine but I don't know how to measure or follow a pattern so the solution to our window dilemma will have to lie elsewhere.
(Here's my Stef showing the problem back door and how we're constantly 'Blinded By The Light.' At least we've never been "revved up like a deuce!"

In total hot flash frustration and with beads of sweat dotting his upper lip, Papi spied our large ream of crafty paper. He then set about using his genius-and many, many pieces of duct tape- to engineer us a makeshift curtain so exceedingly fine it would make all of Shanty Town weep with envy!

The Final Solution:

Voila! No more solar penetration! (Why does that sound so dirty?) It's also nice not to have our beastly crotch-sniffing wonder dog, Reagan jumping up on the window with his big, pitiful 'Please Sir, May I Have Some More?' face while he watches us eat our dinner.

You won't find tips for making your home Ghetto Fabulousssssss here. However I do offer the finest advice available if you're interested in a Ghetto Practicality mentality. Ching!

Come On In And Have A Seat!

I'm not quite sure how I should handle a delicate situation that's erupted between me and one of my kitchen chairs. It's as though this chair is determined to rebel and break out of the pack no matter how much kindness I show towards it. I don't have these issues with the 7 other kitchen chair siblings that I lovingly adopted from Goodwill last year. I guess that statistically speaking I'm fortunate to have only ended up with one bad seed, but lately my chair has been taking some rather inappropriate liberties with my rear end. I have to draw the line somewhere. I can no longer tolerate this kind of booty harassment in the sanctity of my home.

Yeah, my chair seat has a break.....a fissure......a crevice.....a crack....a line of demarcation that perfectly matches my own line of demarcation located right down the middle of my butt cheeks.

Whenever I think that we've worked out all our problems and it's safe to sit down once more, the sneaky chair will go and pinch me bum all over again. I got my derriere lecherously pinched quite a bit in my younger years so I've built up some sort of a grab-azz immunity. It's Papi that I'm really concerned about. See, like most hetero males he feels threatened if anything or anyone touches the preciousness of his mocha posterior. After being repeatedly victimized, Papi now swears that our kitchen chair is gay. I disagree. The chair seems to enjoy an equal opportunity pincher status. It's also divided in two. So, obviously, it's a bi-chair.

Since it's nearly impossible to curtail the wily impulses of a bi-chair, I think we're going to have to just sell it. I'm thinking about making it part of a Do-It-Yourself kit for the lovelorn. The kit will include a vacuum cleaner (vitally necessary for creating self-induced hickeys), a hand-held shower massager :), and the pinchy-chair to recapture a time when your butt was irresistible to the pervy and lobster-clawed. I'm secretly hoping the Sit And Be Fit exercise lady on PBS will buy it as a ratings gimmick with people tuning in just to see the reaction of that one old fart unlucky enough to get stuck with the bi-chair that week.

Just think of the rousing games of Musical Chairs to be had! Just think of sitting relatives you despise in the chair at family gatherings! Just think of the butt boils you can lance yourself at home! There's nothing the bi-chair can't do. So, who is willing to take on the duties of Infidel Chairperson in 2008?



Clickety! Gracias.

When Your Moodiness Is Moodier Than The Blackest Black On A Mood Ring....

Shortly after the birth of our fourth daughter, Papi reluctantly resigned himself to his inevitable fate. He commented thusly, "I think we should just go ahead and buy Kotex stock since we'll single-handedly guarantee they'll enjoy skyrocketing profits a few years from now." Papi's a practical man. That's why he'll make a fine accountant.

So, I started thinking about maybe building an addition to our house in preparation for the tumultuous future that lay ahead of us. I mean, people have long built storm shelters and fall-out shelters in the event of dire emergency, so why not construct a PMS shelter as a sanctuary for the male minority of the Infidel household during the most dangerous days of the month? Fortuitously enough, I spotted this company truck while they were out working on a local home renovation project.
Who better to build an effective PMS shelter than the very people who understand what it's like to be Moody?

If you need a builder who specializes in the installation of large but tasteful wailing walls, Moody is the one to call. If you need a builder to dig out a bottomless pit of despair right in your very own backyard, Moody ranks number one in pit-of-despair customer satisfaction. If you need a builder to erect a fountain that you may then fill with your salty tears of infinite sorrow, Moody will get the job done!

*Click Here At Humor-Blogs.Com To Bring The Masses A Little Ray Of Sunshiney Infidel Goodness!*

The Smiling Infidel Shows Off Her Refurbishing Skills On Today's Edition Of 'Pimp My Gingerbread House.'

BEFORE:
This sadly deteriorating house once stood proud until it was targeted for vandalism by the infamous Hansel and Gretel Gang-- the Bonnie and Clyde of the Gingerbread House world. The dastardly duo even devoured the windows and septic tank in a frenzied state of madness that only a sugar-fueled rush can bring on.
AFTER:
My Infidel Pimpin Crew really had their work cut out for them on this one. We started with the roof and brought in Necco Wafers to use as tiles. We knew that the wafers taste like colored chalk licked right off a chalkboard eraser and would likely keep the roof safe from plundering hands.

Next we focused in on making general structural and foundation repairs. Due to the current supply shortage in the gingerbread construction business we cleverly hired gingerbread men as contractors and then sacrificed them for the benefit of building a harder, better, faster, stronger home. A lot of good gingerbread men had to die to complete this project. I sure hope the homeowner appreciates it. I tested out the sturdiness of the secret formula frosting we used as caulk myself and found that it completely sealed the lips of my naggy co-host's mouth shut. That should render the wall joints and seals deliciously lick-able but impenetrable at the same time.

We wanted to show that you could use recyclable objects to make your home earth-friendly as well as beautiful. That festive mint decoration above the door brings a lot of oomph to the overall feel of the home, don't you think? It was found on the floor of a local restaurant after a customer started choking on it. A waiter performed the Heimlich Maneuver on him thus sending the mint sailing across the room. The flavorless gumball and mint leaf landscaping came straight from the stale leftovers in your grandma's candy dish circa 1985.
We do hope you enjoyed this Christmas Eve edition of 'Pimp My Gingerbread House!' This is your stuffed-full-of-sweetness remodeler, The Smiling Infidel signing off until next time. Wishing you all spicy gumdrop wishes and wet milk dreams......

The Ghosts And Goblins Rise Up During The Night.....And So Does The Smiling Infidel Newspaper Carrier Lady

As promised, I'm here to accompany you on a short Spookfest Tour that features some of the most amusing/frightening/weird Halloween yard decorations that H-Town has to offer. Stay close to your guide, and tipping is always welcome.....


Don't mock me. That inflatable hearse chariot thing is super scary when the wind blows and makes it appear as though the horse and reins are moving for real. Plus it features some kind of undead creature rising out of the coffin in the back. The giant witch is also very spooky as they placed her smack in the middle of the cul-de-sac. You don't notice until you're right up on her. I know what you're thinking. 'A giant witch? Well, wouldn't Elastic feel comfortable with someone of her own kind like that?' Ummmm, no. These are really not sights I want to see when I'm working in the dark of night, all alone, while listening to ghost stories on the Coast To Coast radio program.

This hillbilly vampiress beauty was spotted at our local Big Lots store. Look at her slack-jawed, overbite appearance coupled with the traditional granny top-knot hairdo and white granny nightgown. I kept thinking that it must really suck to be sitting there on your plastic-covered flea market sofa minding your own business, watching a Hee-Haw marathon on the picture set when you get attacked by a vampire. We fell in love with the midget vampire on the right. Awwwww, who's a cute, wittle vampire? See how his feet barely touch the ground? He'd have to get a step-stool just to bite your neck! I'd like to see some Vampire Munchkins in a remake of Wizard Of Oz, wouldn't you?

These people drag out their fake cemetery and foreboding entry gates every single year. Again, not spooky during daylight hours, but you should see it at night when they have their fog machine running. Creeeeepppyy. Well, not as creepy as the fact that their next door neighbors are avowed Satanists. Yeah, that probably wins the creepy category hands-down. I blogged that story last Halloween.

What do you do when you keep flunking out of Beauty School? Why make weird Halloween decorations out of the practice heads, of course! If you look closely, most of these poor souls have mullets. No wonder the stylist couldn't get a beauticians license.

And finally, this SPIDER SIEGE! house is my absolute favorite. They set the mood by bathing the house in the eerie glow of red lights at night, too. Roxanne, you don't have to put on the red light.......especially because it attracts giant man-eating spiders. That Sting sure knew what he was talking about!

*Home Spider on Steroids kits do not include David Arquette.*

The Christmas Ornament Theme This Year? 'A Head-Hunters Delight!'

Here I am.......The Smiling Infidel, your intrepid Christmas ornament reporter bringing you all the latest trends in this season's hottest tree wear!


It appears that the creepy, floating Santa head look is taking a big corner of the ornament market this year. This Santa has some of the most mournful eyes I've ever seen on a supposedly 'holly, jolly guy.' Why the sad face, Santa Baby? At least you can feel secure in the knowledge that no one will ever use you just for your body.My camera obscured the printing on the packaging for this angel, but she is indeed a genuine Tassel Angel made of genuine Tassels. Who needs an angelic body when you have streaming, swishy tassels instead? This is why I always wear tasseled loafers so that if something ever happens to my body they can make an immediate tassel transplant. I stipulated it in my Living Will and everything. So next time you're feeling particularly grateful for the magic of tassels, you now know who the Tassel Patron Saint/Angel is!
Who knew that Mrs. Claus' macrame obsession would turn into such a profitable business venture? Yes, Mrs. Claus opened a Beard Club For Men. They specialize in replacing balding and threadbare beards with a stunning hand-made macrame version that looks and feels just like the real thing. Remember, Santa Claus isn't only the Beard Club For Men's President, but he's also a client! [Two-faced, two-headed Santa ornaments are another kind of creepy altogether. Did they have radioactive contamination in that North Pole water or what??!!?]I predict this look will be very popular with Trophy Hunters this Christmas......... Santa heads to hang up alongside their moose and deer heads over the mantel. I wonder if they'll tell their buddies, "Yeah, I bagged that one on my last hunting trip up to the North Pole. He put up a tremendous fight."

Maybe a headless Santa ornament craze will hit next year and we can make whole oncemore what was broken.

Stephen King Launches His New Line Of Christmas Stockings Just In Time For The Holiday Season!

Don't you love how the Christmas season always ushers in glad tidings and feelings of unity towards your fellow man? Well, I recently noticed a Christmas stocking display at a local discount chain that stoked the glowing embers of my heart........
It would be so uncharitable to leave behind the sickos, psychos, serial killers, Quentin Tarantino lovers, underwire bra manufacturers, Leatherface impersonators, IRS auditors, Wayne Newton fans, and Satanists during the most wonderful time of the year, wouldn't it? I'm so thankful for diversity and the bounty of positive changes its brought to our society. Who knew that the far-reaching implications would stretch all the way towards revolutionizing the Christmas stocking market? Yes, now happily we can all have a representative stocking to hang up next to our respective fireplaces.........or makeshift crematoriums this season.

How's It Hanging, Yo?.......The Official Infidel Christmas Ornament Guide For 2007

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas............well, it is at all major retail stores anyway. I just love a world where we can find remembrances of the birth of our Lord and Savior snuggled up on the shelves alongside maggot-rotted Halloween skulls and shiny, happy Pilgrim people. [The Thanksgiving song that R.E.M never wanted you to hear]

I'm no maven of high fashion like blog friend ANNIE but I can certainly look around and determine what the new seasonal trends will be. Judging from the glittering ornaments display hanging up at the Dollar Store, this is the year of The Disco Empire Strikes Back!--Featuring blindingly bright and gaudy baubles that could have only been designed by the Queen Of Disco herself: Donna Summers.
These struck a pang of sadness in my heart. I was like, "Awwwww, that's what happens when you hang a perfectly good disco ball too close to the trash compactor." If Rubik's Cube had made their splashy debut in the 70's, this is what they would have looked like.
This silvery orb ornament reminds us to never waste precious resources. It's constructed entirely from silver fish scales, and stray go-go dancers.I'm having trouble convincing Papi to consent to filling our tree with these fuzzy balls. Maybe he has a problem with the shocking white color radiating out from the balls like they were culled from an albino. I guess I sort of agree with him- fuzzy albino balls should never be used to adorn a Christmas tree.

Not every ornament at the Infidel house will reflect the 'Boogie Wonderland' theme this year. No, I spied this beauty down at the Boy Scout Shop while buying my son's Webelo handbook. Sure, it's a frivolous thing to blow money on, but when I saw how the door swings open revealing a skunk prancing about the crapper, I knew that I must take it home to love and cherish forever and ever! This will surely be the piece de resistance on the Infidel Tree this Christmas.

Okay, so spill. What are the holiday trends you've spotted and which ones are worth investing in?

I Have A Number One Fan! And It's Never Even Tried To Hobble Me Either!

I'm smokin hot! How smokin hot am I? So hot that I got my own Infidel Fan Club, baby! Yeah, that's right, a lesser Infidel celebrity might feel annoyed at fans following them around, but not me. In fact, I welcome fans of all shapes, sizes, and colors, because I'm very diverse like that. It may seem a little co-dependent, but I'm just not happy without at least one fan in every room. Never before have I felt so cool. I recommend that everyone get a Fan Club for themselves!

Want to join the Infidel Fan Club? Simply send your Infidel Fan Club membership dues to the President of my Fan Club who's located at Houston Lighting And Power Company. They're doing a FANtastic (bad pun alert!) job keeping my Fan Club going although interest usually wanes during the wintertime. *Here's the newest members of my Fan Club right here!*

The Manor Estate Known As 'Mellow Yellow'

Out of all the strikingly gorgeous color combinations in this world, why, oh why, would anyone choose to throw brown and yellow together? WHY?!!!??? The mini-infidels and I don't actually call this home, 'Mellow Yellow Manor,' because Donovan probably still has some sort of copyright law attached to his 60's classic. However, we do refer to it as 'The PooPee House.' See what I did there? I made my very own compound word! Poo aptly describes the skid mark brown trim circling around the eaves and splashed across the garage doors. I'm ever so glad they didn't go with a chunky texture paint. Yes, that definitely would have increased the 'EWWWWWW' factor to the infinite 'EWWWWW' power. The Pee part adequately covers the yellowish hue selected to adorn the rest of the homes exterior.

I sincerely hope that the house never falls under a demolition order because I can just imagine the confusion it could potentially cause among the workers. They'd argue bitterly, one saying "We can't tear it down. The house is yellow. Everyone knows if it's yellow, let it mellow." While some of the other guys will chime in with a vociferous, "Oh yeah? But it's also brown. Remember, if it's brown, flush it down!" I fear that it'll launch a spirited battle not seen since the stadium Tastes Great-Less Filling days. Things could get very ugly.

Do you really want to instigate another Civil War, people? Then you must choose your house colors wisely. The power rests in your capable paintbrushing hands.

Spring Has Sprungeth!

Lookie, lookie! I done bought something purdy for the home and hearth in a grand attempt to usher in a new season. I passed by this little beauty nestled on a shelf beneath the marshmallow candy eggs at Kroger's grocery store and plucked it up immediately for the low, low price of $9.99. Yeah, I said the grocery store. What? Doesn't everyone shop for high fashion home decor at the same place where they buy their anti-fungal cream and frozen waffles? Unfortunately, the $9.99 constituted my entire allotted spring decorating budget. I guess that the tacky Pepto-Bismol pink inflatable bunny pack that I've had my eye on will just have to wait for next year. Part of me wishes that the manufacturing company had used real bird eggs in the wreath construct because then I'd have the eggs symbolizing Easter, and then later, cute little birdies to carry the springy look until summer hits. The functionality would continue as the birds grew and we celebrated summer with a big poultry feast fresh off the grill. Maybe I'll have to build my own festive spring wreath next year. For sure, it wouldn't be PETA approved, but I bet ruthless domestic diva, Martha Stewart would give me the thumbs up.