I Wonder If You Can Buy Life Insurance Policies At The Dollar Store Too?

In a fit of forced frugality this week, I went shopping at our local 99 Cents Only Store to lasso up some provisions to satisfy the voracious appetites of my lovely little Infidel Family.

Now, I don't mind denying us fancy designer labels when it comes to clothes. Banana Republic? No, not for us. We shop at their discount retailer, Red-Banded Bananas Republic ( Proudly Selling Fruit Fly Free Merch. since 2007!) But, I'm kind of a brand name snob when it involves our food. So then to what did my money-saving eyes should appear, but boxes of artificial butter with a product name to fear.
TASTES LIKE BUTTER! Ooooh, it tastes like butter, but what the crap is it, really?

A moment of grandiose epiphany tugged at my brain, startling me. And then I realized that I could embark on a new career coming up with label names for dollar store grocery items. The Dollar Store industry does represent an astronomical rate of growth. In certain markets, they hold a larger share of the grocery sales pie than even traditional chain stores like Kroger's. Tell me what you think of these tasty little treats and your likelihood of picking it up just based on the sweet box design and intriguing product name.
IT MIGHT BE BACON!
KIND OF, SORT OF, LIKE CHEESE!
USED TO BE A COW! Frozen Hamburger Patties
SMELLS LIKE BURRITOS!
ARE YOU READY TO FUNK THIS JELLY? Beyonce Brand Jam
LOOKS LIKE YOGURT!
POUR SOME SUGAR ON ME! Porn Star Endorsed Sugar
WAFFLE-SHAPED WAFFLES!
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT DIDN'T COME FROM A CHICKEN! Eggs

You shouldn't try any of these items without first purchasing the Dollar Store brand of upset stomach medicine.....DIARRHEA BE GONE!

Have You Ever Noticed That Butter Has The Word BUTT In It?

I'll admit it.......I'm a hater. An acronym hater, that is. Don't worry, my hate doesn't include worthwhile organizations like the (HarperValley)PTA, PTO, DARE, LDS, DEA, CIA, CSI, and the IRS. Wait a minute, I guess I do hate the acronym IRS and all that it stands for. No, rather, I'm referring to Net Speak and the sinister acronym abuse that's creeping into our English vernacular and all forms of computer correspondence. I know a lady who peppers each and every one of her homeschool group and personal e-mails with an abundance of random and irrelevant 'LOL's!!!!' as far as the eye can see. Example: "So which curriculum is everybody using this year for their DD and DS?LOL!!!!" What does that say about us homeschoolers to any and all who would read such drivel? I'll tell you what it says, that homeschooling moms remain ensconced at a mentality level that would rival a giggling teenager. Furthermore, if people really LOL'ed and ROFL'ed as much as they claim, they'd need some serious psychiatric intervention. No offense to the very funny bloggers around here, but you've never actually made me Roll On The Floor Laughing. The scriptures tell us 'everything in moderation,' and that should definitely extend to frivolous acronym usage as well. I've always wondered how this acronym craziness on the computer came about, and then I saw my receipt from Kroger's yesterday and I was like, WTH? Look closely, it reveals conclusively that you can catch the LOL syndrome from LOL butter. My mom must have vaccinated me in my youth against the detrimental effects of LOL butter, because so many good people I know seem to suffer from it while I remain immune.
Just a warning that you need to avoid this butter at all costs if you desire to follow down a rosy, acronym-free path for the rest of your life. The fat free version probably rings up as LMAO since you can Laugh Out Loud all day while floating high on LOL butter, but if you're serious about reducing the size of your butt, you need to eat the fat free LMAO or Laughing My Arse Off butter substitute.