The Smiling Infidel Word Of The Day: The Ides Of March Edition

I HATE Urban Dictionary!


Every fantastical word concoction we've come up with has already been covered over there and associated with vile unspeakable things.


Except ANOREXICAN. That one is all MINE.


Anyway, for the past couple years we've employed a catch-all phrase when something smells rotten in Denmark. 

By combining the lovely Irishness of the word malarkey with the majestic agricultural beauty of the profane bullsh*t we've unleashed a new hybrid known as BULLARKEY!

BULLARKEY can help you with all your ranting, raving, and appropriate Mormon-styled cussing needs.

BULLARKEY may even assist in you finding fame and fortune as you introduce it among your friends and families and see it spread like a wildfire that can only be triggered by a stack of New Slang Dictionaries set aflame by a professor wearing a coat with velvet elbow patches carelessly puffing away on his pipe.

Then one day you'll be immortalized as the founder, creator, and proprietor of one of the most widely used words in the English language.......BULLARKEY!

The Smiling Infidel Word Of The Day: Learning New Vocab The Infidel Way!

My Sexy-Mexi husband Papi has recently embarked on a triumphant weight loss regimen in which he's dropped a staggering 30 pounds in less than six weeks time.
He wants to lose another 10 so that he fits the average weight-height chart specifications of 150 pounds.
The problem with that is that the creators of these charts have a one-size-fits-all mentality and they don't take important things into account like abnormal head sizes, or extreme body hair, or gold teeth because I'm sure all that adds extra weight to a person.
Anyway, my Papi has a gargantuan head atop his very petite 5'6 body.
The more weight he loses the more prominent the disparity.
I told him that with his light brown skin he's starting to resemble a caramel candied apple on a stick.
My very righteous and spiritual Papi shot me his dainty middle finger in response.
I'm not scared of him because I now outweigh him. I can wrap my arms around him and pick him up.
Yesterday I swung Papi around the kitchen....much to his displeasure.
I told him that's part of the trials and tribulations he must suffer as punishment for marrying a woman who's bigger than him.
Before work today Papi continued lamenting that he hasn't lost any weight in 2 days when my fat self finally snapped and informed him that he's dangerously close to becoming an anorexican.
Yeah, an ANOREXICAN......a Mexican who's consumed with an unhealthy/unflattering weight loss obsession.
And that is your Infidel Word Of The Day. Go forth my peeps and try to use ANOREXICAN at least once in a sentence.
Then, when you've exhausted the possibilities to throw in a random ANOREXICAN or two, look into joining my new 80's Lingo Resurrection Society.
I'm doing my part. I introduced the kids at church to the lost word "boss." Now they use it instead of the more popular "beast." Dude, that's so BOSS!
My amazing dentist, Dr. Thomas Hernandez is trying his hardest to bring "NO DOY!" back from the edge of expression extinction. It's kind of like that song "He's Bringing No Doy Back......Hey!"
I firmly believe that with a few word nerds on our side that together we can reinstitute the lost glory of choice 80's grammar for a whole new generation.
Awesome? Yeah, like NO DOY!

Dropping The F Bomb On The Ones You Love....

So me and my sexy-Mexi husband Papi were lounging about in bed on Sunday night, ready to drift off into the land of Infidel dreams, when I suddenly turned to him and eagerly whispered "Hey, I really want to EFF you right here, right now" into his ear.

Startled and perhaps a bit frightened, Papi looked at me askance with his lovely manicured eyebrows arched over huge, rounded eyes.

Undeterred, I persisted. "Yeah, come on, Papi, you know that you need a good effing and it just so happens that I'm available to give it to you hard and fast."

And without further commentary I rolled over and stealthily effed Papi's mocha-toned belly with the loudest mouth farts mankind has ever heard outside of the Association for Professional Raspberry Blowers. I exerted so much effort I nearly asphyxiated myself.

Papi informed me that I was "freaking crazy" as he grabbed the bed sheet and daintily dabbed at the remaining spittle encircling his belly button.

See, there's two 4-letter F words used in the Infidel household: Fart and Foof. If I ever tell you that I'm going to "EFF you up real bad" you should tremble in fear because that usually means that either your olfactory senses are about to be assaulted or you're slated to receive a charitable donation of Smiling Infidel saliva somewhere on your person. My personal foofing technique involves a preference for flabby arms as it usually provides superb foofy-fart acoustics.

When people shrilly scream "EFF OFF!" at me, I regard that as a spirited but friendly call to some sort of impromptu FOOF smackdown challenge. Ooooh, an EFF OFF competition. Good thing I packed some Chapstick. This is going to be a long day.

I don't mean to turn this into a braggy blog but the truth is that I have, in fact, effed a lot of people in my 34 years on this planet. That number includes my own self. Yeah, that's right, I eff myself sometimes. When I think about you, I FOOF myself......... Yep, I'm a regular F***(FOOF) Extraordinaire! I also have a lot of kids. I guess that makes me the very embodiment of a Mother F***er (Foofer.) Sweet!

*Gratuituous FOOFING Action In This Video. Watch At Your Own Risk!*

The Smiling Infidel Word Of The Day......Increasing Your Vocabulary The Infidel Way!

PAUSEY:
A PAUSEY is a large group or organization that gathers together due to a shared commonality, pursuit, or interest. Most notably, a PAUSEY consists solely of women who are either currently mired in the hot-flash throes of menopause or are blissfully post-menopausal, hence the upgrade in social status from the generic POSSE to the more descriptive PAUSEY.
Pausey: Now with 80% less Estrogen!!!!

Okay, let's use our new Infidel Vocabulary Word Of The Day in a sentence, shall we?

The PAUSEY war rages on this Friday down at The Coliseum.

Be there, as the crimson-chapeaued ladies of the Red Hat Society fiercely channel their Scarlet Fever into an all-out epic Safety Dance battle against their sworn fedora enemies, The Men Without Hats!

Next up on the PAUSEY war schedule: THE GOLDEN GIRLS PAUSEY versus the hard-core rappers of THE INSANE CLOWN POSSE. Oh Estelle Getty, where are you when we need your ferocity the most??!!?

The Smiling Infidel Word Of The Day......Learning Words The Infidel Way!

Today's Word Is: CAMOTOE
I took my mini-Infidels to the park today to soak up some of the gorgeous spring-like weather we're enjoying smack in the middle of winter. As we strolled along I sourly noted that the "Hoochie Poochie Mama" patrol was out in full force and taking advantage of the warm temperatures by showing off their enormous belly pooches spilling out of cropped shirts and obscenely plunging low-rise jeans.

And then we saw her. A lady wearing overly-tight stretchy pants with a camouflage print. She was walking right towards us and while I don't ordinarily take in small details the glaring full-frontal wedgie digging deeper into her womanly crevices with her every step was just too much not to notice.

A camouflage pants induced cameltoe=Camotoe

And so a new Infidel Word Of The Day was born unto us. Surely it won't be too long before it finds inclusion into the newest revised edition of Merriam and Webster's Dictionary.

*Researchers at humor-blogs.com are working on inventing special cameltoe-camouflaging pants for ladies*

The Smiling Infidel Word Of The Day-Learning Words The Infidel Way!

ELASTICITY e·las·tic·i·ty- The State Or Quality Of Being Elastic.
Wouldn't you all like to possess the state or quality of being elastic? Well, too bad, because like Highlander, 'In The End There Can Be Only One' and, I am that elastic.

A state of elastic? Pshaw! Why would I set my sights on such mediocrity? If all goes according to my stretchy and diabolical plans.......Today--Elastic City. Tomorrow--Elastic Planet! Sho nuff. As an important leader, I won't lie to you- Elastic City is not the promised land of milk and honey. We instead have nacho cheese flowing through our streets alongside bubbling fountains cascading with carbonated Mountain Dew goodness.

Planning a vacation to Funky Town? That place is just played-out, y'all. And I don't really care how many times your lady pleadingly begs you, "Won't you take me to Funky Town?" No, what you need to do is pack yourself a giant bag of tortilla chips and come visit Elastic City!

*Special Thanks Goes To No Cool Story The Official Artistic Muse Of Elastic City Who Designed This Funny Trinity-esque Picture*

The Smiling Infidel Word Of the Day

Okay, class. Our super special word for today is:
Toiletries
Toiletries: A sacred, self-fertilizing tree that grows bountiful toilet harvests every year. Money doesn't grow on trees--but toilets sure do!

Word History: American folklore tells of an instrumental figure that aided in the spread of Toilet Trees by roaming the countryside and taking dumps in a most uncivilized manner. The trees soon sprang up from his stomping dumping grounds. That man was none other than Johnny Crapperseed, which is why we call toilets 'Johns' in honor of him.

*Special Thanks To NCS For Her Abundance Of Photoshop Cleverness. I Love The Way The Toilets Are Hung With Gaily Colored Ribbons Like Christmas Ornaments. I May Want To Do My Christmas Tree With A Toilet Theme This Year Thanks To Inspiration From NCS! Gracias.*

Infidel Word Of The Day

KOWTOW

After a warm bath, Infidel son number #2 enjoys the KOWTOW treatment!

He's fiercely protective of his cow towel, and refuses to KOW-TOW to anyone........

*I love this picture of him. He looks more like a raging bull than a sweet little Elsie cow.*