The Smiling Infidel Shows Off Her Refurbishing Skills On Today's Edition Of 'Pimp My Gingerbread House.'

BEFORE:
This sadly deteriorating house once stood proud until it was targeted for vandalism by the infamous Hansel and Gretel Gang-- the Bonnie and Clyde of the Gingerbread House world. The dastardly duo even devoured the windows and septic tank in a frenzied state of madness that only a sugar-fueled rush can bring on.
AFTER:
My Infidel Pimpin Crew really had their work cut out for them on this one. We started with the roof and brought in Necco Wafers to use as tiles. We knew that the wafers taste like colored chalk licked right off a chalkboard eraser and would likely keep the roof safe from plundering hands.

Next we focused in on making general structural and foundation repairs. Due to the current supply shortage in the gingerbread construction business we cleverly hired gingerbread men as contractors and then sacrificed them for the benefit of building a harder, better, faster, stronger home. A lot of good gingerbread men had to die to complete this project. I sure hope the homeowner appreciates it. I tested out the sturdiness of the secret formula frosting we used as caulk myself and found that it completely sealed the lips of my naggy co-host's mouth shut. That should render the wall joints and seals deliciously lick-able but impenetrable at the same time.

We wanted to show that you could use recyclable objects to make your home earth-friendly as well as beautiful. That festive mint decoration above the door brings a lot of oomph to the overall feel of the home, don't you think? It was found on the floor of a local restaurant after a customer started choking on it. A waiter performed the Heimlich Maneuver on him thus sending the mint sailing across the room. The flavorless gumball and mint leaf landscaping came straight from the stale leftovers in your grandma's candy dish circa 1985.
We do hope you enjoyed this Christmas Eve edition of 'Pimp My Gingerbread House!' This is your stuffed-full-of-sweetness remodeler, The Smiling Infidel signing off until next time. Wishing you all spicy gumdrop wishes and wet milk dreams......

I'm In Mint Condition

Yes, I do indeed have a mint condition. So, all of you already know about my bendy chip compulsion. You know that my sandwiches must be sliced diagonally into cute little triangles. But I bet you didn't know about my special proclivity pertaining to individually wrapped peppermints, did you?

What's wrong with this innocent picture of the Dumass Taco candy dish? I'll tell you. The prestigious swirled peppermints should not have to fraternize with the inferior mint knockoffs lounging around in the middle of the dish as though they belong in the same neighborhood as the affluent swirled peppermint. That's just wrong. Look at the plainly dull white center of the knockoff mints. They're so freakin boring, I get a narcoleptic attack just looking at them. I've always felt an unexplainable attraction towards swirlies my entire life. Whether that entail dunking my brother's head into the toilet for an old-fashioned swirlie, or fruit swirlies in my yogurt, the Infidel consensus is that SWIRLIES ROCK! I'm an American, and I'm using my God-given freedom and right to refuse to partake of just any old peppermint. No, the mint must bear the Infidel preferred swirly stamp of perfection, or I don't want none of it. Peppermint Patty got my back on this matter too, dawg. When I hit it big, my appearance conditions will include a demand for me and my entire entourage to have unlimited swirled peppermints provided for us along with all the TV's in my dressing room playing non-stop 'Breakin 2:Electric Boogaloo' , movie marathons. It's a deal breaker for me.

I may spit a lot when I talk, but at least it's spittle candy coated in minty fresh goodness. Mmmmm.