Come On In And Have A Seat!

I'm not quite sure how I should handle a delicate situation that's erupted between me and one of my kitchen chairs. It's as though this chair is determined to rebel and break out of the pack no matter how much kindness I show towards it. I don't have these issues with the 7 other kitchen chair siblings that I lovingly adopted from Goodwill last year. I guess that statistically speaking I'm fortunate to have only ended up with one bad seed, but lately my chair has been taking some rather inappropriate liberties with my rear end. I have to draw the line somewhere. I can no longer tolerate this kind of booty harassment in the sanctity of my home.

Yeah, my chair seat has a break.....a fissure......a crevice.....a crack....a line of demarcation that perfectly matches my own line of demarcation located right down the middle of my butt cheeks.

Whenever I think that we've worked out all our problems and it's safe to sit down once more, the sneaky chair will go and pinch me bum all over again. I got my derriere lecherously pinched quite a bit in my younger years so I've built up some sort of a grab-azz immunity. It's Papi that I'm really concerned about. See, like most hetero males he feels threatened if anything or anyone touches the preciousness of his mocha posterior. After being repeatedly victimized, Papi now swears that our kitchen chair is gay. I disagree. The chair seems to enjoy an equal opportunity pincher status. It's also divided in two. So, obviously, it's a bi-chair.

Since it's nearly impossible to curtail the wily impulses of a bi-chair, I think we're going to have to just sell it. I'm thinking about making it part of a Do-It-Yourself kit for the lovelorn. The kit will include a vacuum cleaner (vitally necessary for creating self-induced hickeys), a hand-held shower massager :), and the pinchy-chair to recapture a time when your butt was irresistible to the pervy and lobster-clawed. I'm secretly hoping the Sit And Be Fit exercise lady on PBS will buy it as a ratings gimmick with people tuning in just to see the reaction of that one old fart unlucky enough to get stuck with the bi-chair that week.

Just think of the rousing games of Musical Chairs to be had! Just think of sitting relatives you despise in the chair at family gatherings! Just think of the butt boils you can lance yourself at home! There's nothing the bi-chair can't do. So, who is willing to take on the duties of Infidel Chairperson in 2008?



Clickety! Gracias.