Thursday, April 12, 2007

It's The Most Stinkiest Time Of The Year.......

Here's a picture of the hardest working butt towel in all of Houston!

The unmistakable signs of spring has begun it's showy annual parade. Everything's blossoming up, providing large swaths of color all around the Infidel homestead. Perky daffodils, the shade of effervescent sunshine, dazzle all those who pass. The chirping of spring's official harbinger, the magnificent red-boobied robin, echoes through the lushly green and scenic landscapes. A steady rise in temperature means the ever abundant Houston hoochy mamas can finally exchange their sensible warm clothing for the more skankarific staples in their closet. Those poor Daisy Dukes and matching sparkly tube tops really suffered through a long dormant winter season. Like the famed rodent, Puxatawny Phil, sticking his head out of the ground to signal the impending arrival of spring, we Houstonites look towards the first sighting of the cagey half-naked woman strutting around the jungles of Wal-Mart, her natural habitat.

This week, the biggest, grandest, whiffiest, most tell-tale sign of spring reared up from the rear. My rear, to be exact. Yes, when the heat is on, I sweat. A lot. The time has drawn nigh to break out ye olde butt towel to line my truck seat with. Oh, glorious butt towel.........Master of super butt sweat absorbency and long faithful servant to The Smiling Infidel. May you live to fight and soak up butt puddles for many years to come. You know that song that goes, "Flowers in her hair, flowers everywheeeerre?" We sing it, "Butt sweat in her chair, butt sweat everywheeeeerrre!" At no point does our version mention anything about anybody loving "The Butt Sweat Girl," though. Oh, que triste. So, here's to you, my beloved butt towel, for all that you do, and the sweat that you stop from seeping through. I salute you! Woo Hoooo!

27 comments:

Rhonda said...

Holy crap, I'm the first... woohoo! Now if only I had something clever to say. Hmmmm....

Nice butt towel?

It's not THAT hot in Houston yet...maybe you should try getting those Botox injections in your bootie. ha!

Kimberly said...

You know...you mask it well by being one of the most hilarious women I know, but you are an amazing writer. Seriously

Toni said...

OMG! Only you could make butt sweat hilarious! You DO change the towel out? right?

No Cool Story said...

All I got to say is: It's not a sport if you don't sweat EWBL.

carronin said...

How you feel about your butt towel I feel the same way about my Shower to Shower powder. Shower to Shower each day keeps the chaffing away.

Tori :) said...

Oh yes... I actually miss the butt sweat days in Texas. Up here in Utah I'm still freezin' my butt off! (Well, not literally, unfortunately.)

No Cool Story said...

All this talk reminds me of this magnet I once saw.

Jennifer B. said...

EWL -- you never cease to amaze me. Such writing! But this was my favorite:

"we Houstonites look towards the first sighting of the cagey half-naked woman strutting around the jungles of Wal-Mart, her natural habitat.'

Hi-lar-i-ous!

Carrotjello said...

Butt sweat. That's something I've never heard of.

Carol said...

I had my first skankarific siting just yesterday in Houston. No, not at Walmart. This lovely young thing was downtown... at the bank... during business hours! I realize that compared to the normal Walmart siting, this doesn't necessarily live up but it was suprising to see amongst all of the suits and business casual wear.

This fine young lady was sporting blue jean capris that were at least two sizes too small so that she had a nice muffin top working. She finished this off with a swimsuit top that barely covered her overly saggy boobs.

I give the bank tellers credit. They remained professional even after she had left and while I was still there but they pretty much lost it as I was walking out the door.

Yes Virginia, Spring is here!

This Eclectic Life said...

"Skankarific?" I love it! And, I love reading your posts. In fact, I just listed you in my "Link Love." Keep on writing, girl. You make me laugh.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

Seriously, I've thought the same thing about your writing and how great it is. You have a gift, my darling.

Even if you do have a sweaty butt.

jams o donnell said...

Ah the first towle of spring.. Surely you should write to teh Houston Crhonicle to announce the fiorst sighting, like people here used to write to teh Times upon hearing the first cuckoo of Spring!

Things are warming up here.. shjopuld be well into teh 70s at teh weekend That means the Chavalinas will be shedding their winter coats for something rather skimpier...

Radioactive Jam said...

You're familiar with LOL, yes? Just the opeing line and picture here made me UaLOL.

Ugh! ... Ha!

Yours is a rare talent and I am grateful for it. Feel free to take that as a compliment (because it is).

Anonymous said...

lol, this was halarious to read.

EWL you are seriously a good writer!!!!! do you realize this? I mean damn damn good!!!!

anyhow, Im glad your taking preventive measures for your butt sweat. Maybe I should try this for my car....especialy when wearing my bathing suit while on lake/beach outings.

barngoddess
http://ramblingsfromthereservation.wordpress.com/

Annie said...

Last summer a miracle ocurred at the Fruita Pool.
I was sitting on my beach towel watching my kiddos swim and giggling each time they came out of the water with snot on their upper lip.
When it was time to leave, I got up, reached down for my towel and noticed my heiny sweat created the image of the Virgin Mary!
I took it as a sign that my heiny is now holy.
For a year I haven't stressed it, strained it, or overworked it. I treat my holy heiny with the utmost care. I rest it on comfy pillows for most of the day.

Burg said...

This was a funny post, but I'm having a hard time concentrating thanks to the Maroon 5 video in the sidebar..

Mmmmm.... Adam Levine... He should be one of Baskin Robins 31 flavors...

Chris said...

That was butt crackingly fantastic! Seriously, butt sweat can be really, um, sweaty.

carronin said...

How did you get the video to fit in your sidebar? Excellent choice Maroon 5 is da bomb!

Annie said...

You are effecting my purchasing decisions. I am gonna buy this cd when I go to Target today.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

carronin and burg and annie-
I'm not usually a huge Maroon 5 fan but when I heard this song debut last week on XM Radio, I was like the Kool-Aid man........"OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH YEEEEEAAAHHHH!" We've already declared this our official Infidel Summer Jam for 2007.

And, um, yeah, Adam Levine in a tuxedo is smoking! He meets my dark hair/big nose hot dude specifications perfectly.

Don't lie Annie, you know you're really going out to buy the Murray Head CD!

Amber said...

Ahhh, my blessed fellow butt-sweat girl. This is one of the primary reasons I could never live in your neck of the woods. I mean, to walk around on daily basis looking like I peed my pants? The horror...

elasticwaistbandlady said...

rhonda- Inserting things into my bootie is way too intimate a conversation for my family friendly blog!

kimberly- Gracias! Due to my compulsion to write, the old keister gets in a lot of butt sweat marinating time in my computer chair.

toi-I can't change the towel. the towel has to want to change.

NCS- You so totally stole that from a Gatorade sign, didn't you?

tori- I've known a few Utahns so pissy that they're practically Frozen Butt on A Stick. I seriously think that. If only they pulled that stick out of their......

jennifer b.- Hoochy sightings are common but i'm working diligently towards putting them on the endangered species list.

carrotjello- I'll bottle up some of mine for you if you're lacking in butt sweat faith.

carol- Been there, saw that, choked back the waves of nausea. A 40-ish lady at the Dollar store walked in wearing nothing but a bikini top and cut offs. She was haggard, grizzly, greasy, saggy, wrinkly, and bought stale dollar store brand candy. That's the mark of true desperation.

eclectic- I'm feeling the love. in fact, I'm basking in it!

millie- I have a blessing and a curse. Well, it's not a curse for those who like sweaty butt though.

jams- And it means that jams will break out his field binoculars, monacle, magnifying glass, contacts, X-ray vision glasses.......

RAJ- Dare you speaketh in acronym???!!? OMG.....ROFL@RAJ

barn goddess- Thanks for humoring me by telling me that I humor you. very humorous!

annie- I have holy pits! They sweat out small woodland creatures, initials, and silhouettes of Brad Pitt. There's nothing like a sweat portrait of Pitt in your pitts. May I call you, her Royal Holy Heiny Highness, now?

chris-I wish I was more like Sir Mix-A-Lots women because they sweat and sweat but they got it going like a turbo Vette.

carronin- I'm following the gospel of music Jesus. Only, I deleted their blasphemous name and typed in the Maroon 5 instead. You alter the size by deleting 300 in the code and reducing it to 200.

carronin said...

I bow down to your awesome smartness. Thanks for your help.

Dana said...

Thanks for coining the word "skankarific". It made me think of "skankerella" which can be said for so many at my local Wal-Mart!

Chrissy said...

I nearly fell out of my chair laughing through your skanarific rantings!!!

Lene said...

Oh yea...I am from Houston and I know exactly what you are talking about...lots of "ladies" doing the skankarific thing there. Great word, btw! It totally fits.


I also am familiar with the butt sweat towel. I have seen me many a butt sweat towels.
Great entry!