Monday, March 12, 2007

A Slice O' Life!

I try my best everyday to show that I'm a humble spirit with a contrite heart. A mere mortal who revels with delight in the simpler things that life has to offer. However, when it comes to sandwiches, I'm a bonafide snob. You see, I find sandwiches carelessly sliced straight down the middle, boring, and not very aesthetically pleasing. No, I MUST always obey my nagging compulsion to delicately maneuver the knife diagonally when cutting a sandwich. I secretly enjoy the extreme makeover aspect of transforming ho-hum squares into perfectly delicious little triangles. Yes, I understand that a sandwich triangle isn't equilateral and takes on more of an isosceles slant, but it's still sweet sandwich shape Xanadu to me. Aight? All you hyper-critical math geeks better back it up. Hear me??!!??

Now, let's just say that you were to offer me a sandwich that you lazily chopped in half with nary a fleeting moment of consideration to my sandwich cutting needs. I'd still accept it and silently forgive you for your sandwich slicing sins. Then, I'd devour your sandwich offering with a smile of gratitude, unless it's egg salad or liverwurst on rye, but I'd secretly loathe the bland rectangular shape of it. You see, a sandwich is a sandwich is a sandwich. I don't care if you hack it up into little pieces like the Texas Chainsaw Sandwich Massacre, I'd still eat it. But, given a choice, dainty sandwich triangles reign supreme. It's my very own personal Sandwich Bermuda Triangle where the sandwiches enter and always disappear, never to be heard from again. If I'm lucky. *Burp, Belch, Hiccup*

Hear the song that's playing? It's "Particle Man" by the venerable goofball group that wields a mean accordion, They Might Be Giants. Why did I choose it? Well, Particle Man hates Triangle Man and foolishly enough, tries to take him on. Particle Man loses. Triangle Man emerges victorious. Yeeeeeesssss!

26 comments:

Radioactive Jam said...

First?! Woohoo!

Also - I am *so* wanting a liverwurst sandwich now.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

The greatest man, Person Man. Triangle Man sounds like he has issues.

You're not the only one playing a "mean-accordion-wielding" song today. :)

Julie said...

I heart triangle sandwiches. We are truly sisters.

Suzanne said...

Hmm...I guess I've never really stopped to think of what sandwich shapes I like the best. I guess I'll have to go experiment! ;)

Carrotjello said...

My kids like their sandwiches uncut. I must have it on the diagonal. My 3 year old can sing particle man.

Elizabeth-W said...

My children cannot sing Particle Man, and I am feeling enormously embarassed that they can't. How could I work it into tonight's FHE lesson?
My computer is freaky. It took about 4 minutes to get this page loaded.
And then, there were not any funky letters for me to verify, so I made up my own. But that didn't fly, so blogger gave me some to work with.

Carol said...

Does this mean you get really excited at bridal and baby showers? You know what I'm talking about. Tiny little triangular sandwiches piled a foot high. And they are crustless too. Oh the joy! It's the only reason I go to showers anymore.

No Cool Story said...

Yay! Yet another Infidel Freak Secret of The Week. Hurray.

Particle Man made me think of his cousins (on his father's side),Barnacle Boy (he does get wet underwater, since that's where he lives...duh).

Kimberly said...

This post should have come with a disclaimer of some sort. I'm ravenous now!

Annie said...

Particle Man stirs up my allergies.

I'm a right down the middle slicer, I guess I have never taken the time to consider that their might be a better way. You have successfully inflitrated the gray matter, now whenever I slice a sandwich, for the rest of my life, I will think of you.

jams o donnell said...

Do you ise a protractor to get the perfect angle? Me a great sandwich has doorstop slices of bread and a lump of filling... yum!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

RAJ- You remembered Ye Olde Infidel! *sniff* This calls for a celebration. Liverwurst for everybody. On the house! WOOT!

millie- The melodic sounds of the accordion whisks me away to a happy place where everyone is kind and the underwear is always fresh and warm from the dryer.

Julie- Sisters in faith. Sisters in sandwiches. Awesome.

suzanne- I obsess waaaayyy too much about the food I'm shoving into my face.

carrot- I have to my sandwich halved so I can feel petite and dainty and pretend like I'm only going to eat half and save the rest for later. Yeah. Right. Sure. I make Richard Simmons gnash his teeth in sweatin to the oldies frustration.

elizabeth- Easy. Tie particles into God creating everything around us. Talk about being kind to another and not fighting just because you're a different from one another. It's mean to hit Person Man in the head with a frying pan. It's very un-Christian.

carol- I've been blackballed from attending showers of any kind after I got busted trying to stuff the entire finger sandwich platter into my handbag and threatening to take the host hostage until she gave up her super secret family recipe for ham salad.

NCS- I have many, many, many, many, freaky little secrets to share, NCS. But, ssshhhh, don't tell anyone that. Ok? It's a secret after all.

kimberly- Listening and dancing to accordion music stirs up quite an appetite in me also. I wonder if Lawrence Welk had a big hoggy buffet backstage for his accordion music hungry peeps?

annie- You have failed the sandwich slice psychological/personality test, annie. :( You are a conformist who is trapped within the square of your sandwich.

jams- A great sandwich for me is when someone else makes it. And washes their hands first.

carronin said...

I suppose you're not too big on using one slice of bread and folding it over. OH the horror!

Burg said...

How impressed would you be at my heart shaped sandwiches?? My daughter thinks I'm magic for making them..

omar said...

Mmmm, Texas Chainsaw Sandwich...

My boy prefers his sandwiches to be cut in triangles, too. But I always forget, and I cut them into rectangles. Now I worry that he's loathing its bland shape, and that he's going to remember this and prematurely put me in a nursing home one day.

Radioactive Jam said...

Now I have this mental picture of liverwurst on the house. Also I'm wondering if liverwurst falls in the same descriptive category as say, a hot dog i.e. "emulsified forcemeat."

I'm thinking no.

Still mighty tasty though.

Amber said...

I, too would like to bear my testimony of triangular sandwiches....

Chris said...

Is this a food blog or what?

I'm bloody hungry for a germ-wheat sandwich with chives!

Jennifer B. said...

Triangles RULE!
Now all day I will be happily humming, ,"Triangle wins, triangle man!" Perfect choice.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

carronin- That once happened to me down at 'The Little Sandwich Shop Of Horrors'!

burg- You make heart shaped sandwiches? Does it have the ventricles and arteries hanging out of it and everything???!!?

omar- As we speak your boy is organizing a rectangular sandwich revolt against you and Mrs. Omar. The code phrase is "Baby's Got A Brand New Sandwich Bag."

RAJ- Must we splice hairs over emulsified meats and all their tasty goodness? Let's leave the spliced hairs for the 'all natural' meat filler. Aight?

amber.....and her triangulation tactics involving sandwich cutting strategies.

chris- Germs on a sandwich is bad. Maybe you should spray it down with some Lysol first.

jennifer- That's right, triangles do rule. Will you join my special triangle rally? We're going to boycott and protest outside the Huey Lewis concert. That man has some nerve telling the world that "It's Hip To Be Square." Whatever.

Burg said...

Does it have the ventricles and arteries hanging out of it and everything???!!?

Anything else would be barbaric..

Jennifer B. said...

EWL -- Sign me up for that triangle ralley! Huey Lewis--that blasphemer!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

burg- I'm not raising no girly girl round here. Heart sandwiches are out. Aorta shaped sandwiches are in!

jennifer B- We have to be strong, jen. After all, Huey has "The Power Of Love," on his side. We also may be dealing with an unpredictable addict. He's always saying that he "Wants A New Drug."

elasticwaistbandlady said...

WOW! I never knew how happy quoting Huey Lewis song titles could make me.

Imma ( Alice) said...

I'm sorry I can't post a comment here... after reading the post and all the comments, I am too busy ROFLMAO to be able to type.

When I am able to get back up I'm going to go kill something to eat. Thanks a lot gang, I'm not supposed to eat before bed and now I'm gonna go do it. Hmmm... I wonder how Rotti Burgers would taste. Heeerrreee Reba!

compulsive writer said...

I like it on the diagonal as well. It's hip to be triangle!