Monday, January 29, 2007

The Dogs Of Wrath!

Well, when I cross my legs and offer restricted access. Behold the wonderment of the official Infidel canine, Reagan! This picture was difficult to snap as he kept lunging for me to engage in a little butt fume inhaling. Yes, Reagan would boldly go where no man has gone before. Well, not a lot of men, anyway. I'm not that kind of gal. He would leap tall buildings and jump in front of a moving locomotive just to catch him a pungent whiff or two. He's Reagan the crotch sniffing super dog!
Reagan is a 3 year old, 85 pound Chocolate Labrador. He brushed past me once while I was sitting on the floor with my mouth open. Sadly, he definitely doesn't taste like delightful chocolate flavor. Those lousy breeders and their crappy truth in advertising policies.

Reagan's long lost twin lives across the street. The exception is that their Labrador isn't allowed inside the house......ever. He barks from sunup til sundown. He barks until the cows come home. He's barked longer than there's been stars up in the heaven and fishes in the ocean. (I love Dan Fogelberg) He'll probably bark until Hell freezes over too. First time I made formal acquaintance with said neighbor dog, their chirpy 5 year old son told me that they named him "BARKY." Well, Barky does indeed seem an appropriate name for such a vociferously annoying creature. At least, there aren't any illusions to what a dog named Barky is going to be like. No, apparently I misheard the boy. The dog's name is actually "Sparky." Sparky? Could it be due to the fact that he "sparks" anger in all of the neighboring families who have to listen to their flippin dog every day? Maybe its apropos after all.

It got me thinking about my own dog. Now, Reagan is named after the great President, but his conduct is certainly unbecoming of such a namesake. You see, Reagan is addicted to butt. I know, if Robert Palmer were alive today, God rest his soul, he'd have to sing to Reagan, "Might as well face it, you're addicted to BUTT." My sister-in-law, Coco, was over on Sunday, and we all stood in the living room talking. Reagan thought it was some sort of heavenly crotch sniffing buffet that floated down on the angelic like maxi wings of old panties. He scuttled to and fro excitedly snuffling his snout into our delicate maidenhood. Coco must be more fragrant than me, because Reagan seemed particularly interested in her, and kept going back for seconds and thirds and fourths, and so on. One day, Reagan will protect and shield us from would be home invaders as he distracts them with his genital sniffing prowess. They'll drop their weapons in stunned amazement just to cover their privates from such an unwelcome intrusion. I already bought a tag, bowl, and Christmas stocking with his name on it. Were it not for the financial investment already involved, that dog would henceforth be known by the name of "Sniffy."

What if all of us were so named in accordance to our personality and behaviors? What would it be? Easily, I'd pass as a "Twinkie," or a "Plucky." I've got some major facial hair issues that require a lot of tweezing, okay? So, how bout you??!??!??


Suzanne said...

O.k. you've really got me blushing today on your post!!!

My name would probably be "Sweet n Sassy" because that is what I am. You never know what you're going to get.

Actually, I've been more Sassy this week than anything, but that's beside the point! ;)

omar said...

My name would be "Boring." Which is, in itself, boring.

Robert Palmer's been dead for three years, and I had no idea!

This post is saddening me all around.

Elizabeth-W said...

Maidenhood?! Hellooo?? You have how many children?

No Cool Story said...

My name would be Boring: Omar and I would have a duet "The Boring Dos", and no one would come see us, because they'd know, oh yes, they would.

Sniffy is one Infidel dog.

jams o donnell said...

Hmm what would I call myself.. Boring has gone twice, Tedious? smartarse? Most people call me "Why dont you shut up?" I suppose that will do!

Lianne said...

Sounds like you need to tune in to my BoyFriend Cezar and his Dog Whispering.

I love labs... I love big dogs.

I think if I were a dog my name would be Chiffon, and then my owners, realizing their error, would just call me Mable.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

Robert Palmer is dead? I forgot. Might as well face it.

OK, crotch-sniffing dogs are about the most annoying creatures on earth. Telemarketers, Jim & Tammy Faye Bakker, Rosie O'Donnell, crotch-sniffing dogs. It's embarrassing, having a dog "notice" your "smell". People should be smell-less, and dogs should be polite enough to act like they are even if they aren't.

My dog name would be "points out the obvious a lot."

Syarshine said...

Crossed my legs as I read this.

If I were a dog...or any other animal actually my name would be Syar. Or Syarshine, cause Nadia called me that once and I really like it. And I can be pretty sunshine-y on my good days.

carronin said...

This is why I own a miniture Dauchshund he is too short to reach peoples areas. He has been known to mate with the home teachers leg on occasion. Maybe that's worse, both are pretty embarrassing.

My dog name would be sleepy, or is that a dwarf name? Anyway, since I'm sleep deprived and have been most of my adult life that's the name that best suits me.

Chris said...

I'm terrified of poodles but this, this is just plain horrific!

No dog shall come near my odorous, um, in betweens.

That was far too much info.

RC said...

it's a great picture, looks liek it was worth the effort.

Sketchy said...

LOL!!! Poor Sniffy...

I suppose I'd be least today...

elasticwaistbandlady said...

suzanne- Blushing? Really? Maybe I'm just grosser than 99 percent of Mormon women, or maybe I've been listening to too much Larry The Cable Guy recently.

omar-Your dreams of dressing up in a black minidress as a Robert Palmer girl to sway secutively behind him for his next video are now finito. I'm so sorry Omar. :(

elizabeth-I'm referring more to my virginal and pure sis in law than myself. Mine wasn't the top priority sniff of the day from Reagan. That honor belonged to Coco.

no cool story-Yes, but can the two of you bark a soaring duet rendition of "Jingle Bells?"

jams-Yes, my stepdad delighted in calling me "Diarrhea Of The Mouth," for many years. He says its because it never stopped running. Nice.

lianne- Chiffon makes me think of lemon chiffon cake. Mmmmmm.

millie- If ever local law enforcement needs a trained and professional crotch sniffing dog, Reagan is on the case! Who needs drug and bomb sniffing dogs? PSHAW! We all know where the real hazard odors lie. Stinky crotches.

syarshine-"You are my syarshine, my only syarshine, you make me haaappppy, when skies are gray!"

carronin- Sounds as though your daschund is still able to manage to terrorize children who don't wipe very well, though. I'd use him for my toddlers as butt wiping enforcement after they use the toilet. "You can't fool mommy's canine poopy sensor, honey. Now go back to the bathroom and try wiping again."

chris- A sniffy dog like Reagan could save you from smell embarrassment on a hot first date christo. If you pass by the dog unnoticed, then you know you smell good enough for your woman. If the dog is "all up in your business" however, it might be time to freshen up the man bits.

RC-I had to wear a special crotch guard armored protection in order to snap this picture, RC. Glad that you enjoyed it, because the price I paid to take it was high. Very high indeed.

jams o donnell said...

He is a lovely looking dog though ewbl

Demosthenes said...

I have a Welsh Pembroke Corgi named Cleo... she's in better shape than I am, which is something not even most humans can claim... in the summer she runs four miles every day with my mom, and in the winter they do twice that on cross country skis. Absurd, isn't it? Anyway, her only annoying trait (and slightly frightening) is that the flap that closes her esophagus... I forget what that thing is called... but it's extra long, and sometimes it gets stuck and she has this coughing/sneezing/retching fit that is extremely painful to listen to but apparently not painful at all to the dog, just those around her. Like me.

Theoretical Grammatarian said...

I think my dog name would be Chowhound. That could just be because I am currently hungry, though. But, in truth, I am always hungry. I promise I wouldn't be smelling any crotches, but I can guarantee that I'd be poking my nose into your cupboards and begging at that table.

Rhonda said...

He's so cute!!

Hmmm...not sure on my dog name. Maybe Boozer or Madam Naps-a-lot.

No Cool Story said...

I found a chocolate lab whose owner thinks she can say mama, while others can say other words.
Who says Reagan doesn't have enough talent to be on TheTube?

wendy said...

I love your dog. Hate that sniffing bit. Although, having a big dog around can ease any embarrassing gas-eous (not that I would KNOW or anything) moments - "woooweeee, this dog sure does stink, must have been that taco bell, er I mean those bacon treats. Sorry about that Sister Relief Society Presidente."

emma jo said...

Sit Boo Boo sit. Good dog.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

jams- He's covered in brown fur, just like his mama. Our similarities are striking, except for the fact that I can't lick my own butt.

dem- Aren't you all the high falutin royalty of the Midwest? A Corgi. Ohh la la! I like how Corgi bodies resemble ottomans. I might get one just to prop my feet up.

theo- Bow wow wow, yippee yo, yippee YAY!

rhonda- You strike me as an Irish Setter type. Might be the red hair. In which case, "Boozer" is perfect!

NCS!- Reagan carries around and squeaks his own little teddy toy. Thats cute enough to earn his daily kibble rations.

wendy- Yeah, but when I slip up and ask the RS Pres. to pull my finger, she'll know the evil truth about me.

emma jo- RUFF!

Melody said...

Cezar would say your brown wonder is simply the outgoing type... that's how dogs introduce themselves and get to know each other.

I don't think I want him to get to know me right now though because I just wet myself from laughing. Darnit, Elastic, this happens every time I visit your blog.

Guess my name is Pepe.

Julie said...

Better Pepe than Pupu, right Mel?

We had a neighbor dog (note the past tense verb) who barked constantly. Drove my husband nuts. He hated "that damn dog." Because desperation is the mother of inspiration, Phil came up with "AquaDoggie," our anti-barking contraption. We confiscated my brother's fire hydrant (don't ask), filled it with water, and squirted the dog every time we heard it barking. Even in the dead of winter. (I never particpated in the actual squirting, but I didn't discourage Phil from doing so...)

It worked. No more barking dogs.

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