Friday Face-Off!

The obviously photogenic children of two amazingly gifted bloggers have made competing videos. It's up to you to decide which one rules in today's Friday Face-Off! On a sidenote, these kids have some remarkable genetics working in their favor. Not only are they both quirky and fun but they've also been blessed with the kind of superstar chins that Professional Chin Stunt Doubles yearn for!

Miss Face Declares Her Love Of Cheese! (0:11)

Mr. Face Love Cheese And Sings Cheesy Songs! (:49)

*Your Click Right Here, Right Now For Me At Humor-Blogs.Com Will Aid In The Chin Transplant Relief Fund So That All Youngsters May Enjoy Making Dorky Mr./Miss Face Movie Clips. Thank You For Your Support*

When Your Moodiness Is Moodier Than The Blackest Black On A Mood Ring....

Shortly after the birth of our fourth daughter, Papi reluctantly resigned himself to his inevitable fate. He commented thusly, "I think we should just go ahead and buy Kotex stock since we'll single-handedly guarantee they'll enjoy skyrocketing profits a few years from now." Papi's a practical man. That's why he'll make a fine accountant.

So, I started thinking about maybe building an addition to our house in preparation for the tumultuous future that lay ahead of us. I mean, people have long built storm shelters and fall-out shelters in the event of dire emergency, so why not construct a PMS shelter as a sanctuary for the male minority of the Infidel household during the most dangerous days of the month? Fortuitously enough, I spotted this company truck while they were out working on a local home renovation project.
Who better to build an effective PMS shelter than the very people who understand what it's like to be Moody?

If you need a builder who specializes in the installation of large but tasteful wailing walls, Moody is the one to call. If you need a builder to dig out a bottomless pit of despair right in your very own backyard, Moody ranks number one in pit-of-despair customer satisfaction. If you need a builder to erect a fountain that you may then fill with your salty tears of infinite sorrow, Moody will get the job done!

*Click Here At Humor-Blogs.Com To Bring The Masses A Little Ray Of Sunshiney Infidel Goodness!*

What A Bunch Of Freakin Posers!

My mom had this annoyingly competitive friend she left behind in our podunk Indiana town as we joined the Yankee mass exodus to Texas in 1984. My mom used to receive frequent letters from her detailing the very model of perfection and hallowed goodness her two children embodied. My mom's friend delighted in filling page after page with announcements like how the fruit of her loins had just won the Lifetime Golly Gee You're Neat-O Achievement Award and would we please consider sending a monetary donation to ensure that her kids can make their annual summer pilgrimage with the church down to Mexico to show the poor, impoverished little brown children how to change their pathetic lives by becoming super Neat-O mini-replicas of her own fantastical offspring? Yeah.

My poor mom didn't have much ammunition to combat her with, either. I mean, having a slacker daughter who's on the high school bowling team doesn't exactly lend itself to bragging rights. I was also a proud member of Amnesty International- Well, only because I thought brooding guys in black T-shirts that listened to The Smiths and Charlatans UK were teh awesome. They really should have been credited with the title, 'Godfathers Of EMO' and established Robert Smith as their patron saint.

So, one day while driving through the next neighborhood over from us, we both had an epiphany. There, standing before us, like a giant, looming beacon screaming out "Hey, It Smells Like Team Spirit!", we saw it-- a yard filled with signs, and all of them with my name emblazoned upon them. My mom had me pose smack in the middle of the glory field. A few staged pictures later and she could now tell her friend that I was not only a cheerleader, but also the captain of the track team, a member of National Honor Society, and on the Country Club's elite swim team........and then silently pray that her friend would never get a sudden yearning to come visit us. In keeping with my family's shameless traditions, I made my children pose for Easter pictures at our neighbor's house last week because their grass is greener and their azaleas are in bloom. Meanwhile my yard is in some sort of crunchy brown haze and everything but my trusty, no-fail dianthus are on a blooming strike. Yeah, I'm going to pass my neighbor's yard off as my own this year to long-distance friends and family who don't know any better. I gave up lying for the Lent season, but by the time these cards go out, Lent will be over. Keep on moving, there's no sin to see here. Nope, none at all........

(Okay, the Lent thing is a lie. We're not even Catholic.)

*Clicking on humor-blogs.com for me will release all the guilt and stress you've been feeling lately*

Don't Tase Me, Bro!

An attention whore gets a deserved smackdown inside a John Kerry conference......and it delights me every time I watch this fine video edit masterpiece.

It's Tasertime!-(1:11)

The Good, The Bad, And The Utterly Delicious!

I used to have these struggles with nagging doubts and internal conflicts that manifested itself as little outward appendages of my conscience. On my right shoulder lay the voice of goodness and righteous clarity- while the left shoulder harbored the force of darkness who often whispered to me that it was okay to do naughty things like pretend I can't hear Papi when he's in the bathroom frantically yelling that there isn't any more toilet paper or silently wishing that the person giving the never-ending prayer in a church meeting would contract sudden laryngitis and finally sit down and shut up. Anyway, my turmoil has ceased since I had the Little Devil and Little Angel surgically removed from my shoulders....
and replaced them instead with the non-judgmental and perpetually smiling, Little Debbie.
What??!!? What's that you say Little Debbie? Speak up, I'm having a hard time hearing you. Oh, you think I should have another oatmeal cream sandwich cookie? How can I possibly say no to your cherubic self, Little Debbie?

*humor-blogs.com wrote the Little Debbie biography wherein they expose how she turned her inner demons into Devil's Food Snack Cakes*

Did You Know That Party City Is Next To Funkytown?

It's true! Seems that we were doing something close to nothing, but different than the day before. And that's when we saw them, ooooh, we saw them. They stood IN at the OUT door! (Neither wore a raspberry beret)
We have glimpsed the future of Green politics in America.......and it involves costume looks inspired by the Jolly Green Giant's vomit. The model above is working it in her official Green Party Representative Uniform. If the Green Party ever seizes power, this is a sample of what they'd force everyone to wear. Yeah, that's right. They'd force you using the brawn of their mascot, The Incredible Hulk. That's precisely why you should take the voting process so solemnly. Because, really, the only one who should be sporting two fuzzy, green Pom-Poms is Kermit the Frog. Right, Miss Piggy?
And here's the photographic proof that we got to meet the title star of the upcoming movie 'Darby O'Gill And The Village People!' Producers actually found him while he was working a stint down at The Lusty Leprechaun Cabaret.

Don't be hatin on us and our exciting adventures, aight? If you click here on humor-blogs.com for me, we'll share some of our golden pot with you! (Ummmm, "Golden Pot"= A Yellow Bowl Filled With Lucky Charms cereal.)

And Now It's Time For Another Thought Provoking Edition Of Stevie Wonders!

Today Stevie Wonders if he should reveal the whole truth about what really inspired him to write his hit song 'Boogie On Reggae Woman' to the probing VH1 Behind The Music interviewer.

See, Stevie was jamming at an outdoor Bob Marley concert when he could no longer ignore the chunk of dried mucous obstructing his nasal passage. With expert Ninja nose-picking skills he covertly dug around with his thumbnail and removed the hideous green chunk before absent-mindedly flicking it into the crowd. Unfortunately, the offensive booger landed on the dread-locked lady in front of him swaying side-to-side in her rainbow tie-dyed dress.

The guilt was tremendous.........so he penned the lyrics to 'Boogie On Reggae Woman' to assuage his own nagging conscience even though harmonica players could die if they aren't able to breathe properly through their noses. That's right. DIE. In essence Stevie Wonders saved his own life with his heroic boogie retrieval and the world gained some great music at the same time. Win, win.
*Click Here For Graphic Photos Of Boogies On Reggae Women. It's Got The humor-blogs.com Seal Of Approval*

A Dastardly Conspiracy Is Afoot!!!!!

Somebody in the United States Postal Service wanted me to feel sad and unloved on Valentine's Day. While I sat there crying into the crunchy taco salad that was Papi's Valentine's gift to me, this lovely little package chock-full of sweetness from my favorite Cowbell was still en route to La Casa De Infidel.

No Cool Story shipped this out from Cowbell Central on February 9. I finally received it last night, February 19. She paid an exorbitant $4.50 postage and the USPS couldn't be bothered to make sure I had the warmth and comfort of the fantastic Mr. Dibble ball or the assortment of candies in time for Valentine's Day. Triste. Muy triste.

Anyway, GRACIAS, NCS! Big Besos De Chocolate Para Ti! For your heroic efforts in bringing me happiness I'd like to share these two songs with you. They're current Infidel favorites and I think you'll likey them, too.

PINBACK- Good From Sea

BRAND NEW- Fork And Knife

When Good Country Stars Go Bad!

Beloved Country singer, Randy Travis has diversified his trademark sound-- taking it from the trailer park to the crack house.

Plans for a duet with Marie Osmond is currently in the works. The track is tentatively titled "I'm A Little Bit Country/I'm A Little Bit Gangsta Rap." Fo shizzle.

While sipping on gin and juice, laid back, with his mind on his money and his money on his mind, Randy released a statement confirming that he will no longer respond when referred to as "Mr. Randy Travis." He's already in the process of legally changing his name to "Big Daddy Randy" in preparation of his upcoming summer tour with the R.W.A (Rednecks With Attitude) Posse.

Anyway, I caught his new sound while listening to my XM Satellite Radio recently. That jam, "No Place Like Ho" is poppin!

The planned video is choreographed to showcase scantily clad exotic dancers shimmying around a pole while simultaneously clicking their clear plastic high heels together three times and seductively chanting, "Ain't No Place Like Ho. Ain't No Place Like Ho." Wow, I can hardly wait!

Look for Big Daddy Randy's upcoming CD, "Straight Outta Nashville, Shawty!" to drop soon!

*humor-blogs.com is sponsoring a new fusion sound CD featuring duets between Metallica and Air Supply*

Please, Won't You Be My Valentine?

Yeah, Valentine's already passed a few days ago, but only suckers pay full retail price for Valentine goodies!

So, Please, Won't You Be My Half-Price Valentine?

Saving money doesn't mean I love you any less. It just means having a greater amount of money to buy a greater amount of chocolate hearts!

*This Message Is Approved By Economist Nerd Alan Greenspan Who Thinks We Should All Invest In Chocolate Hearts This Year To Diversify Our Yummy Treats Portfolio*

A Tale Of Two Movies....

It Was The Best Of Films:It Was The Worst Of Films:And we had the pleasure/misfortune of seeing them both yesterday.

The Spiderwick Chronicles isn't faithful to the imaginative but dreary books. No, instead it covered all the criteria needed for an Infidel family super smiley face rating. We laughed. We cried. We saw flying griffins in the sky. We also saw scraggly Nick Nolte as a wily, yellow-eyed ogre as though that was a big acting stretch for him. And I learned that Andrew McCarthy is not dead like I once believed. I'm so relieved. Maybe I'll get to live long enough to see Pretty In Pink Two:The Midlife-Crisis.

Jumper did jump all right.......directly on to my Worst 10 Movies Of All Time List! You know how there's always at least one attention whore person who insists on standing up at the most inopportune times to talk about the most inappropriate thing (You know the one. The kind of person who talks about French-kissing in the middle of a crowded church meeting) and all you can do is stare down at your shoes and avoid eye contact because you're so embarrassed for them? That's how craptastically lame the dialogue was in Jumper. The main guy actually said: "Thank you very much. I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip your usher."
I've seen wittier repartee on Cartoon Network. They should have hired the Spongebob people as scriptwriters. The action sequences were completely shaky and hard-to-follow. It felt like back in the day when I couldn't afford cable and I'd try to watch it through the scrambled signal. It's never a good sign when the people around you in the theater continue yawning and whispering "Is it over yet?" to each other. No, it'll never be over because not one, but TWO upcoming sequels are planned. I don't know why. Jumper has only jumped over one thing.....THE SHARK!

In life there must be sour with sweet. Light with dark. Buffet with ala carte dining. Old Willy Wonka and New Willy Wonka. Sunshine with rain. So, there must also be movie joy with movie pain.

*humor-blogs.com only owns a bootleg copy of the Elmo In Grouchland DVD. They force their guests to watch it over and over and over again.*

Happy Valentine's Day!

I'm going to be working all day.....and night......and day again. Sucks to be me.

The Delays- VALENTINE

Buuuuuttttt, I am leaving you the gift of music! This video and song has remained a constant Infidel favorite for over 2 years now which given our extreme musical ADD is pretty remarkable.

Pace yourself because Valentine's Day is a marathon and you don't want to end up in the hospital having your stomach pumped from eating too many edible panties.

The Infidels Go On A Shopping Excursion!

If you've ever attended Primary in my church you can sing along with the bouncy little ditty joyfully teaching about preparing for the Sabbath and all the crap important work that must be completed on Saturday so that we may rest on Sunday.

The mini-Infidels watch a very limited amount of T.V. each week so we all burst out laughing when 6-year old Boo-Boo began singing:

"Saturday is a special day
It's the time we watch our cartoons all day
We watch T.V. and we watch some more
And we won't stop watching til Mondaaaayyyy"

Lovely, no?

Boo-Boo was quite disappointed because we cut into his sacred Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle time and spent most of Saturday at our favorite haunt, Traders Village Flea Market!

We stopped here to look for some half-price azzes in the event that we ever actually LMAO like we say we do. Sadly, the pickings were mighty slim in the azz department. False Azz advertising. :(

Nothing shows a deep and abiding love for your soulmate like dragging home sleazy lingerie from the flea market. I couldn't resist the fuzzy blue ensemble in the middle. It seems perfectly perfect for a surprise Valentine's gift. See it? It's the one that looks like eyes and a mouth screaming out "NOOOOOOOOOO!" I love it! I sure hope it fits Papi because they said you can't exchange or return the merchandise.

These are the Infidels Of Discontent. I denied them the pleasure that only a flea market corndog experience can bring. The corndog stand is conveniently located next to the row of puppy peddlers. Coincidence?

Here we are terrorizing the fine folks at Half-Price Books. My daughter Sunbum likes Big Buds, and she cannot lie! She had her hands all over those Big Buds when no one was looking.

Buster does not like shopping unless it involves B.B. guns/Nerf guns/air guns or some sort of camouflage clothing. He's either wondering if it'll all be over soon or if he can make eye contact with passing spacecraft in hopes of rescue.

Melody is practicing her facial expressions just in case the Face family ever adopts her. One must exercise and expand the elasticity of the jaw line before even attempting to replicate a patent Face Family picture moment.

Thinking about wrapping your baby up in plastic like a newly won goldfish from the county fair? What a fantastic idea! It even features air vents for "good circulation." I know, why not just put your kid inside a plastic grocery bag? That way they're more easily transportable and you won't even need that bulky stroller.

The official dusting apparatus of The Gay Pride movement. It's made from 100% percent authentic Rainbow Brite particles, beyotch.

This is what happens when you leave your trashy trucker cap next to your cowboy hat in a darkened closet.......they spawn monstrously ugly headwear.

If you build your cap out of straw the Big Bad Wolf is going to get you.

All Natural, Fat Free, and Mild.......that is exactly how I like my Mexican!

And finally, for the pet with the most discriminate of tastes..........no, scratch that. For the pet with absolutely ZERO taste buds, Dollar General presents their own line of processed pet food. Chunks&Bones is made completely from organic material donated to the company by people who didn't have the time to bury their victims. Coats'N'Tails calls itself a complete and balanced meal for your pet but they left out the Snips'N'Snails. Or maybe Coats'N'Tails is actually comprised of discarded tuxedos. Whatever the ingredients, Mmmmm, Mmmmm that's some good eatin!

*humor-blogs.com owns Husker Du's Greatest Hits*

The Post Where I Show Off My Infidel Political Spirit!

Barack Obama is headed to Texas to fight it out with rival Hillary Clinton in an attempt to win the lion's share of Lone Star State delegates and voters.

Meanwhile, there's some veeerrryyy interesting footage taken by Fox News yesterday morning at one of two newly opened Obama Campaign offices here in Houston. Watch the clip for yourself and make sure you're not doing anything physically demanding at around :18 seconds in. When your eyes spot what's hanging on the wall right behind the smiling staff, they'll widen with surprise and just may start bleeding uncontrollably.

(I understand that Senator Obama has no control over all his campaign people, but really, this is very poor judgment. Surely they knew that camera crews were on their way over.)

Sooooooo, I'm proposing a new business venture for anyone willing to put up some capital. We can start manufacturing the finest in fuzzy, red Che berets for immediate distribution.

Turning tragedy into triumph. That's the American entrepreneurial spirit!

UPDATE: My Good Friend Arugula Has More About This Story HERE.

Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Show A Little Cleavage.......

The wearing of V-Neck shirts has caused me a considerable amount of pain and unmitigated anguish over the years; but sometimes you just don't have any clean tops left to wear. That's where my true tale of horror begins.

I'm journaling the experience here so that others may avoid the wretched agony that happened to me yesterday.

As I moved from one job to another I asked my daughter, Monkey to toast some bread so I could take a ham salad sandwich on the road with me. Each bite sent gritty brown crumbs cascading down into my cavernous Boobie Pit where they became trapped. It really felt like those sharp and pointy little dried bread bits were writhing about and trying to escape from the wedge of darkness they found themselves in.

Meanwhile it was causing me a great deal of distress along with profound discomfort. I mean, I'm driving, should I take one hand off the wheel to dedicate to rooting around and de-crumbing my bra? That didn't seem prudent. Should I just throw caution to the wind and lift up my shirt to shake the crumbs out? That didn't seem prudent, either. Besides, Mardi Gras is over and I don't really need any beads. I'll save flashing for when I can reap big rewards.

Aside from a few furtive digs at my bosom area, I did nothing. When I finally arrived home I flung my V-Neck shirt to the floor and started scratching and pawing intensely as though possessed by unseen forces.

The moral of the story is that you're not safe to eat toasted sandwiches unless you're wearing a turtleneck or a strait jacket. V-Neck shirts are only good for emergency bread crumb storage in case you need to leave a trail to find your way out of a dark forest.

*You can buy special Bread Crumb Boobie Protectors over at humor-blogs.com*

I Wonder If The Christian Rock Group P.O.D Was Actually Named After Passive Odor Dispensers? (Their Music Does Stink, After All)

While roosting on the potty at Kroger's grocery store last week I noticed these air-freshener devices strategically placed throughout the bathroom.

I think it's most unfortunate that Kroger's resorted to using such cut-rate sanitizing tools. Why would they assume that something labeled as "passive" would put up a valiant deodorizing effort in fighting the evil armies of malodorous poopy particles?

Now, I've been characterized as demonstrating extreme passive/aggressive behavior on occasion- but never just solely passive. Basically, I'm a hardcore Aggressive Odor Dispenser. I laugh haughtily in the face of the feeble stink combat skills that a simple Passive Odor Dispenser brings to the Stankfest Games.

Yes, I entered into fierce one-on-one competition with the Passive Odor Dispenser, determined to prevail. I'm proud to say that through diligent straining and struggling I was declared the definite victor in our intense match.

My win proved to be a loss for the other restroom patrons, though.

*The Passive Odor Dispenser at humor-blogs.com only works when you pull their finger*

The Smiling Infidel Wants To Play Games With You:Guess That Movie Title!

In this picture are two completely unrelated items. Well, at least they're completely unrelated where I live. Maybe pelicans in your area do happen to prance around wearing underwear. I'm no ornithologist, so I don't really know.

So, to the best of your ability, can you guess the name of the movie this photo represents?

On a side note, I do feel kind of bad for creeping up into these people's yard in broad daylight just to violate their beloved pelican in this way. I mean, it's nothing more than a spiffy lawn tchotchkie. It's not a super bad stunt pelican nor is it a panty model for Pelican's Secret.

I can assure you that the landscaping crew laboring next door took quite an interest in my snappy little photo shoot. As I left, I looked back and noticed them still leaning against their rakes and mowers with heads cocked to the side and faces filled with pure, unadulterated WTF??!!? sentiments. Como se dice "WTF?" en Espanol, por favor? Hey, it was really chilly out today! I did that pelican a favor by warming him up with a versatile and toasty hat/shawl combo.
And this is the picture that the pelican never wanted you to see.........Hopefully he'll start attending Pelican Panty Sniffers Anonymous soon and kick this most egregious habit. I know that his obsession with knickers led to a hit movie with two A-list actors and all, but we're not living in 1993 anymore. It's time to give up the briefs, already.If humor-blogs.com ever makes a movie you can bet your sweet bippy that it'll be chock full of panty-wearin/panty-sniffin pelicans.

And Now For Another Exciting Installment In The 'Stevie Wonders' Saga!

Today, Stevie Wonders if he can reinvigorate his career by tinkering with some of his song lyrics in hopes that Weird Al will agree to perform the revised versions and make them a hit amongst a demographic of younger listeners.

Suddenly 'Sir Duke' becomes 'Sir Dookie' and Stevie Wonder is cashing in twice on a 30-year-old song. Oh yeah, you can feel it all over. You can feel it all over, people.

humor-blogs.com only likes Green Day Dookie.

Making Disfigure Mints Out Of My Discourage Mints!

Yeah, I did it....... I embarked on a homicidal mint-smashing rampage. It felt wondrous too. So much more enlightening and therapeutic than that "turn-a-frown-upside-down" crap!

Thanks for all the nice comments.