Friday, November 03, 2006

Mr. Roger's Neighborhood It Ain't......

And my hackles raise at the thought of any of these people becoming my neighbors.
Ever speculate just from whence wicked comes? Apparently, where you least expect it. When you see ostentatious homes outfitted with lush landscaping, and the finest in decorating, does it spring images of "A little slice of Hell on Earth" to your mind? You'd be very surprised what evil lies hidden in the hearts and homes of men, shut away from public view.

The neighborhood we resided in has several divided sections. Us, living amongst the "poor folks" in the front, while the back of the subdivision featured a more exclusive estate development. This photo shows the home where my Mom witnessed the unexplainable and terrifying. As she careened her truck around the curve of the cul-de-sac in the very wee hours of the morning, she noticed that all the outside lights of the home, and also the street lights had gone dim, leaving things dark and shadowy. Undeterred, my Mom soldiered on until she saw that the curtains in the front windows had been flung back revealing a swarm of people hovering together in a candle flickering kitchen. The people all wore blood red hooded robes. Sensing that almost certainly something was wrong, my Mom hastened to drive away from that street. When, all of a sudden, the people burst through the front door and started chasing after her. On foot. I'm not sure how they thought they could catch a truck while running in their goofy floor length robes, but my Mom easily escaped. They have new residents living there now, but prior to their arrival, my Mom continued to see strange happenings all around this home.

My Mom took a part time newspaper route when my brother's disabilities prevented her from continuing on in her employment as an accountant. Not a glamorous job, to be sure, but it kept us in Hamburger Helper and name brand clothes stamped "Irregular" on the label. Around dusk, my Mother began throwing this route a short distance from our home. (Emma Jo, if you're reading this, this house is catty corner from The Rumsey's house! :O) She had just gotten started, when a fat, balding middle aged man came out of his house waving his arms and screaming hysterically at her. Of course, my Mom halted to find out the problem, something that she NEVER does anymore. The man commenced to yelling, and shrilly telling her in the most floweriest of prose and profanity, that he didn't want the *%!#@$ newspaper littering his property, and that he happened to be an exalted member in good standing with the Satanic Church. Yes, he identified himself as a Satanist right there, in front of his home, in middle class Houston, just half a mile from our Temple. Wouldn't you think he'd conjure up his powers to acquire a little plastic surgery, and gastric bypass, or join The Hair Club For Men? Stunned, my Mom opened her mouth to say something, but he prattled on, and informed her that if he EVER received another paper on the front lawn, he would place a curse upon her head. To this day, wide eyed people ask if he really did put some sort of hex on her, and she laughingly replies that he must have, because she still has to throw the stinkin paper in that neighborhood. Now, after this incident, my Mom started to take more notice of the goings on around this house. It wasn't unusual to see America's favorite Satanists holding big shindigs at their abode where every single late model vehicle parked against the curb came manufactured by Cadillac, Lexus, and Mercedes. It also wasn't unusual to glance inside the home during their soirees, and see the party goers black hooded robes.

Here's my rant: These are deceivingly regular folks living it up in suburbia, sending their kids to the local schools, and shopping amongst us at the corner grocery store. That really weirds me out. The thought crossed my mind of what it would feel like to party with these people.

Would the crimson hooded coven get together to work up a viable strategy plan to paddle the butts of the black hooded cult in the next "Hades Annual Ping-Pong Tournament?"

Do you think they serve Devil's Food cake, and lots of flambe stuff? Perhaps, they ruthlessly banished that one misguided cult member who brought Angel's Food cake to the party. I wonder if they've ever been tempted to slice up a little goat for dinner after roasting it in sacrifice? Or, maybe they prefer to eat a lot of Soul Food.

I can imagine two cloaked cult mothers discussing concern for their teenaged spawn because they only want to watch back to back marathons of "Touched By An Angel", and "Highway To Heaven." They shrug, and blame it on teenage rebellion. The same mothers sigh in resignation that their younger children want to dress up as Angels for Halloween, and go Christmas caroling with their friends.

Would all the invitations have cute little, red-faced diablos on them, inviting the recipient to "come and have a devilishly good time?" Everyone knows that bad puns signifies the deepest of evil.

Do they have a mix tape of all Led Zeppelin's music played backwards to liven up the festivities? Or do they just loop "Disco Inferno" endlessly? That really would be Hell. Summer parties bring nonstop "Limbo" party fun!

I wager there's at least one woman who peddles the exclusive "Bride Of Satan" cosmetics line, and she badgers all the other women into agreeing to come to her makeup trunk party where they can buy the latest in black lipstick, and ghostly white pancake facial powder. There's also always one annoyingly self-conscious woman who will spend the night asking people if her robe of death makes her butt look too big.

Inevitably, talk will turn to the big sale on pentagrams, yellow werewolf contact lenses, and sacrificial altars seen down at the local Purgatory Republic store.

Maybe they reminisce about failed incantations. "Hey Bob, remember when I misread the Book Of Spells, and shouted out "Amway" instead of "Away", and we ended up with a house full of living dead sales representatives trying to get us to buy cheap light bulbs? Ahhh, good times."

Things get confusing as the festivities wrap up and the parents try rounding up their kids, since most of them share the names of Damian, Damon, or Lucy.

A word to the wise; Listen to the admonition given to you by the fine, moral characters on Sesame Street, and find out just who are the people in your neighborhood, in your neighborhood, in your neighborhood. Because, Satan worshippers are people in your neighborhood, in your neighborhood, YES, in your neighborhood.


Anne/kq said...

Did you ever see that episode of The X-Files? The creepiest part is how NORMAL they appeared... *shudders* Yeah, that one always gives me the creeps.

No Cool Story said...

Do they only but Proctor and Gamble?
Listen to rock music backwards?
So many questions!

What is it with all the red? Is red considered a satanic color?
Are they affiliated with the satanic church of San Francisco?

My mom made me watch (yes: MADE me) this video of a Pastor (of some church I'll rather not mention so I don't embarrass them) where he claimed that Spiderman was satanic because he wears red and makes the sign of "Satanic the church of the devil" when he shoots the spider web from his wrists (don't ask) AND that Matt Groening (as in the Simpsons) was trying to do more "Christian" Simpsons' episodes (where Bart prayed…HA HA) but the eeevil "satanic church of the devil of San Francisco" made him change back to his evil ways....

Bah! and don't even ask me about boycotting Proctor & Gamble, because my head will explode.
So I'm wondering if Spiderman is their superhero?


Anonymous said...

yah i have to say i hate all the sterotyping that goes into any religion seen as offensive (satanism, wicca etc *and no not saying satanism is healthy) but seriously folks.. learn your histroy.. first off the CARDINAL wears ALL RED!!! so you can't claim red for the evil team.. neither can you black.. how many priests wear black.. um all of them... and so do the amish
now the pentagram and pentacle

first both are the same thing.. neither name discerns poitn up or point down.. both are the same symbol
now here is your history lesson

here are the current churches and groups who have used it in history
latter day saints (old temples)
christians (to denote the 5 wounds of christ)
Jews, (the symbol was ascribed to Truth and to the five books of the Pentateuch)
knights templar

theres just a small taste for you,
i'm sorry mabye i seem mean or evil for saying all of that.. but i am sooo tired of people ascribing evil to objects that just are not and have never been .. just because they refuse to read their history books

people are bad.. symbols are just that.. drawings.. neither good nor bad.. just fun to look at

Radioactive Jam said...

Y'know, if you tossed out any more of those bad - BAD! jokes and puns, I'd think you were putting some kind of hex or curse upon us. Then again, trying to turn my brain into mush might not be such a bad thing...

Gaah! See? Already I'm almost THANKING you for turning my brain into so much muddled jelly.

When of course what I really need is a brain made of...
(wait for it... waaait for it...)

No Cool Story said...

I came here looking for fun and laughter. Instead I get a pseudo- History lesson.

I belong to a this Society. I take my vows very seriously.

*Sigh* Had I read my history books I wouldn't be stuck in the 80’s.
At least I'm wearing a cool hat.

Elizabeth-W said...

Maybe you should take that Mickey Mouse and leave that on their front porch. :)

Radioactive Jam said...

Fight! Fight!

Sorry. No, I don't really think there is a fight, nor should there be one. No, I wouldn't like it if a fight did break out between commenters.

But NCS would *so* kick a----aand I'll stop now. Really. I'm stopping, see?


Chris said...

I kind of agree with radioactive jam. I was about to jump to Deep Purple (I'm not much of a Led Zep fan) when I saw you wrote something about Led Zeppelin and if you play their songs backwards you can hear subliminal messages. I quickly changed to a harmless Marc Antoine song.

See how powerful words are?

Mimo said...

I love the music!

carronin said...

I live by the saying ignorance is bliss. I'd rather not know if devil worshippers were in my neighborhood. I think that if there were the lady that lives behind me would have told me she knows everything that goes on, unless she is one. hmmm

jams o donnell said...

I wonder about satanists in my neigbourhood.. Within 5 minutees walk I have the Zoar (Strict) Baptists, the Plymouth AND the Exclusive Bretheren, Church of England (epsicopalians), a Free Evangeilical church, the Elim Pentecostalists, a local evangeical chapel, the Jehovah's witnesses, a former primitive methodists chaepel that has services for disabled kids.. a few minutes walk more is the local synagogue.. oh and the local Catholic church is 10 mins walk away and the nearest LDS church is a little over a mile away.

Not fertile ground for the antichrist, methinks. There are a lot of Exclusive Bretheren living in the vicinity, I can't see them selling their souls to satan anytime soon.

It is good to have the internet back.. my damn cable has been down since Friday so no internet and no tv. the not wife and me actually talked to each other... THE HORROR!!!!! I jest of course!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

anne- YES! I did see that. Luckily, there are no reports around here of giant serpents gobbling up non compliant suburban Satan worshippers.

NCS! Super Happy Girl! Pink Leopard Hat! Spiderman's not evil, but super clingy spandex tights are. I like freaks, by the way. Didn't you know that Papi and me have a special song? Every anniversary and important marital milestone, I mark it by serenading my Papi with our song, Freak Like Me sans the red leather booty shorts and fishnets though. That's what true love is all about.

anonymous- I didn't know that Satanists had an official P.R spokesperson! Meh, I don't give a rat's ass if the people were wearing purple polka dot hooded robes, they were still congregated in the dark of night doing weird things, and chasing people, and the other guy was making hex threats. As for my ending commentary, it was made for the sake of levity, nothing more. Just imagining your typical middle class get together with a devil worshipping twist. If we can't make fun of Satanists using stereotypes, then what can we make fun of?

RAJ- Turning your brain into jelly? But I thought it was made of jam!

NCS!- Knowledge is power! Now, go forth, young maiden, and buy you some pretty pentagram bracelets, and matching sprakly, dangly earrings. They'll look great with your classic, never out of style, little black hooded robe!

elizabeth- No, they deserve something much scarier, like the new Talking Dr.Laura Doll. Holy Crap! I like Dr. Laura, but that thing frightens me.

RAJ- NCS is B.A.!(BAD ASS) You and I can take turns holding her awesome hat while she kicks Satanist butt, RAJ.

christo- You're more hard core music wise than your average, friendly middle class neighborhood devil worshipper.

mimo!- Me too. What a beautiful world this will be. What a glorious time to be free. I'm still waiting for my promised spandex jacket though. He said there would be spandex jackets for everyone, and I don't want to think of my sexy uber nerd, Donald Fagen as being a liar. :(

carronin- Is her name Gladys? (remember Bewitched?) We live close to some witches, all right, but it has nothing to do with devil worship!

jams- You live within walking distance of an LDS Chapel? Righteous! How often have you had the knock on the door by two white shirted young men with nerd haircuts? Oh, and just because someone outwardly appears pious doesn't make it so. Just ask Jimmy Swaggart, Jim Bakker, Ted Haggard, Robert Tilton.........Watch your back, jams, one never knows where insidious creatures lurk. I have one in the mirror that stares back at me every day. I'm frightened. said...

That was mighty funny. I always wondered why some one would choose to be a Satanist. I mean, it's one thing to be pagan or Wicca it's another to choose Satan, what does he have to offer that is worth anything?

We had a suspicious neighbor whose house was behind our last house. Many mornings I would look out the window to see him emptying several colorful buckets of liquid, from inside his house, into a kiddy pool in the back yard. He had no kids or kids visiting and I always wondered where the water was coming from. If he ever saw me see him he would stare at the window. Once my sister "accidentally" threw a ball over his fence and had to go retrieve it. She checked out the water but couldn't figure it out. After a couple of months a dog, a heck of a lot of plants and girlfriend appeared and the bucket and pool disappeared. Either he grew the dog, plants and girlfriend in the pool or the girlfriend told him the weird pool experiment had to go before she moved in. Very suspicious if you ask me!

I think that Anonymous is my mom!

jams o donnell said...

Actually none ewbl. We see the odd missionary around in Romford but none come visiting, not to us anyway.. the No religious callers sign we had up might have helped as not even the Jehovah's witnesses come calling!, very ture.. I can sort of understand why someone would want to become a wiccan.. but witchcraft as we know it is a 50 modern construct, largely created by Gerald Gardener in the 50s. As for satanism, it's the ultimate ibiyheresy

elasticwaistbandlady said...

on the run- I'm guessing that your former neighbor is an Easter Egg enthusiast, and he practices dipping his juevos into dye colored water year round so that he can achieve eggy perfection every year when the big day rolls around in the springtime. Anonymous is your mom??!!!??? Does she look good in her hooded robes?

JAMS!- Just like the U.N.'s grand "Oil For Food" program, the Devil has his own, "Soul For Perfect Life" exchange.Also, some people are just inherently evil and drawn to that kind of dark magic. I think you may have bartered with the dark forces too, jams, I just can't even imagine a man so powerful that he can keep Jehovah's Witnesses at bay! said...

She rocks in a hooded robe - JK she goes nude! JK... I don't know what she does and that works for both of us!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

on the run- I used to have to fold laundry, and during one of my Mom's many dating spells, I was forced to not only see, but fold all manners of her "intimates". That would include a pair of panties with red whistles sewn all around the waist, and the reason that I thought my Mom was watching basketball games on TV late in her room at night. :O I was only 12 at the time, but I still feel disgusted about it.

Yuck, yuck, double yuck! said...

I wish that underwear with whistles was the worse thing I ever found in my mom's room.... I won't go into details.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

U challengin me to a Crazy Momma Competition? Oh no girl, don't U even go there, cuz I bet I got U beat! Bring it! said...

I can't bring it because I think my mom reads these....