Monday, June 05, 2006

The Measure Of Success

To most people, this is an invaluable exercise device called a pedometer. It's used to calculate the total amounts of steps taken and give a digital read out of calories burned.

McDonald's had a promotion recently where they gave pedometers away with food purchase. Considering this unlikely source for fitness guidance, we all just laughed about it, but then something struck me. In Spanish, the word for "fart", or "flatulence", for you more genteel readers, is PEDO. Thus making a true PEDOmeter, a measure of one's farts. Constantly recording and accurately counting your every toot. How would you like to have a digital display of that? I wonder how many calories farting actually burns? My Dad says that the average American passes gas 14 times a day. I'm ready to strap on a pedometer and do the scientific research on this myself because I AM The Smiling Infidel, seeker of truth and knowledge in all things.


Moi said...

I believe you meant to say, "Stinker of truth" ;)

Mimo said...

LOL! I bet my kids can max out that gadget.

Radioactive Jam said...

Playing with mixed-language words doesn't always work out so well. Case in point: PEDO plus "phile."

jams o donnell said...

Hmm as an eater of mainly vegan fare (she who must be obeyed being a vegan) I shudder to think how quickly either of us would destroy such a device!

Lianne said...

I want a device that tells me how many calories I have burned, how many times I have peed or pooed, and how many times I have expelled gas via my mouth or from other orifices.


Elizabeth-W said...

Just to be scientific, does any poot count, or just audible ones? Do the silent but deadlies count for more?
When I was in grad school a friend gave me a children's book titled The Gas we Pass: The Story of Farts. It is really quite enlightening--maybe you could put that on the kids' summer reading list. (I should explain that the reason she gave it to me was to cross out every fart and write in either poot or toot b/c she knows I can't stand the f word. And, her last name was deporter, and I always called her depooter because it described her well.)

omar said...

14?! Amateurs.

Syar said...

omar, didn't you have one of these? weren't you aiming for 10000?

wow. what gastronomical ambitions.

and I'm with Jam, when you highlighted the PEDO of the pedometer, I thought "there's a meter out there that counts how many minors you harass???!"

so the reality of the fart counts is actually soothing after that freak out.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

The thought of PEDOphile never even crossed my mind, but I'd like to give a resounding, EEEWWWWW. Suddenly associating PEDO with "fart" seems wholesome by comparison.

Jams, Your comment made me burst out laughing. Conan O'Brien was once interviewed about his most memorable guest. He talked about Sting and how Sting used his personal bathroom on the show's set. Conan said that the overwhelming smell afterwards permeated the halls and he attributed it to Sting's vegetarian diet. For some reason the thought of the very dignified Sting doing that cracks me up every time. I once dated a Vegan, and I know the truth of what you speak.

I'd rather nor have definitive proof of my disgustingness. I'd only buy a real PEDOmeter if I can do like a used car salesman and have a device to roll back the mileage, or fart count, as the case may be.

elizabeth, The Gas We Pass is a time honored classic in our household. "De Pooter" earns you a rare LOL!

omar, Don't let your competitive nature take over. Your family will suffer for it.

I'll have to tell my second PEDO story to clear up any negative word associations. By the time I'm through with you guys you'll think of flatulence every time you hear the prefix, PEDO. Retraining the human mind. *smiles*

Elizabeth-W said...

There's a companion book titled Everyone Poops, also a Japanese title. Perhaps you've used this in science class at home, as well? ;)

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