If You Can Value The Worth Of A Person By Their Birthday Gifts Then I'm Exceedingly Valuable!

Unexpected Presents From People Whom I Adore......I'm Not Sure If I'm Deserving Of Such Niceties But I Sure Do Love It!

The talented Melissa from Mejojac's Memos used her phenomenal jewelry making skillz to craft this lovely bracelet and earrings set specifically to match my new dress.

And as if that wasn't enough she fed my sox addiction just a little bit more with this bevy of sock beauties. Thanks Melissa!

Aubrey sent these scrumptious orange gloves just in time because they'll look amazing with the gown I picked out to wear to the Mean Mommy Ball. Gloves are important when reprimanding children, husbands, competitive clearance rack hags who won't shove off even when you subtly elbow them, and annoying dogs that bark all night because they won't leave any tell-tale fingerprint marks. Thanks Aubrey!

My favorite Arizonians of all time Nancy Face and her stunning bride-to-be daughter, Lauren Face sent this happy little(and VERY generous) Target gift card featuring an oozing, slimy blob. That's right, I'm no longer a blogger. I'm a blobber now. Not pictured is the ginormous bag of Skittles also mailed alongside the card.
If you ever need someone to make candy evidence disappear my mini-Infidels can and will get the job done. There's wasn't even a discernible trace of rainbow colored streaks left behind when the mini-Infidels wrapped up 'The Skittles Hit.' Thanks Face Ladies!

Jean Knee proved conclusively the theory I scientifically hypothesized after watching Saturday Night Live......A Party In A Tube Is WAY Better Than A Dick In The Box. Truly.
The best part was the envelope stuffed full of enough funds to pick out any one thing my heart desires at the dollar store. Jean Knee knows and understands the real me. She also sent balloons with a warning that they aren't to be used as contraceptives. I might have read the note a little too late. Ooops. The tube was also jam-packed with lots of polka dot confetti. I opened the tube while sitting on my bed. I'm now sporting an all-over polka dot look for the Summer 2008 season. Thanks Jean Knee!!!

And in Sox-Crazed Maniacs News I thought you all would be interested to note that almost half of us received or gave a variation of the ever popular faux Converse high-top socks as modeled by my daughter. Several received socks that look like cowboy boots and I noticed a LOT of frog motif socks popping up at Sox Exchange participant blogs. At least two people received the exact same pair of pink-striped seahorse socks and another two received knee-high socks with flames on them.

Maybe Alice can work her graph magic and come up with a funny chart for us to signify the final sock duplicate tally. Think about the enormity of the soxy swap situation. The 22 ladies who participated represent different religions, different ages, different geographic locales and yet we all demonstrated a scary sense of like-mindedness when left on our own to blindly pick out socks for our buddy. Weird.

If you haven't received your socks yet, e-mail me and let me know. I had a great time organizing this, ladies. Thanks. It went so smoothly that I'd really like to get a Christmas Ornament Exchange together in November. :)

Thoughtfulness Begets Thoughtfulness....

Life has held some fairly bleak moments for us recently. I'm usually reticent to share too many personal details on my blog.......... especially when it pertains to things going wrong in my life. Let's just shorten a long sob story into the condensed version and say that despite my ingrained stoic nature and stiff upper lip, I completely fell apart on Monday. I made sure to hold on to my woeful blubbering until I was out working and away from my mini-Infidels first. I wanted to be like my namesake, Melissa Manchester, (I'm Melissa but I definitely have more to work with than a Man Chester) and follow her advice of "don't cry out loud, just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings" because I wouldn't want the mini-Infidels thinking their Mom Robot has actual emotions and stuff outside of nagging them. GASP! As I woke up on Tuesday morning, my birthday, I set forth to trod through another long working day of drudgery while fighting that sinking "Spinning Wheels" feeling.......and then something amazing happened.

YOU!
I never expected so many people I've met through the bloggy thing to be so charitable and kind.
Both Carrot Jello and Bee wrote glowing posts dedicated to me for my birthday. That sort of loveliness always makes me sniffle a little.

And then Jean Knee called bright and early just to sing to me and let me know that she sent a hand-painted present that should arrive on the date of my other birthday. See, just a short Mr. Rogers trolley ride away into the Land Of Make-Believe my birthday actually falls on May 22nd.

Carrot Jello called to sing to me too in her very best Ethel Merman voice. She promised that she had just jumped out of a gigantic birthday cake with my name scrawled across it. Millie just "Called To Say, I Love You." No, not really. But she did call to wish me a Happy Birthday.

Tori sent me a really fun birthday card. So did Sodak Angel. Thanks, ladies!

UPDATE:
AUBREY!!!! sent the most delish pair of orange polka-dotted, multi-purpose gloves. I just got them today. Now what to do with them first? Should I garden, wash dishes, slap my kids around with them......Oooooohh, I know, I'm going to blog with them on. THANKS AUBREY!

And now I'd like to return some of the birthday mojo happiness given to me:
You need to go and wish these lovely ladies a Happy Birthday also:
AUBREY (May 22)
SODAK ANGEL (May 22)
NO COOL STORY (May 28)
JEAN KNEE (May 31)

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO COMMENTED YESTERDAY. IT REALLY DID MEAN A LOT TO ME. YOU SINGLE-HANDEDLY PULLED ME OUT OF THE DOLDRUMS SWAMP!
I have to work all day again today but I'll be seeing you all soon. Meanwhile, I dedicate this song to all of you who made me so very happy. :)

BLOOD SWEAT & TEARS- You Made Me So Very Happy

The Green Party Came To The Infidel House This Weekend!

Despite my previous reluctance, we embraced that Green Party and spent the whole weekend delighted by the frivolity of it all. Special thanks to Lauren and Nancy Face, the most dynamic mother-daughter blogging duo to ever come out of Arizona, for sending us this fantastical package that contained everything we needed to start our own Green Party chapter. (Frumpy Ralph Nader not included)
It's obvious that the Faces wanted to make sure us Infidels will have enough green on-hand to stay pinch-free come St. Patrick's Day. We really appreciate that. It's also obvious that they desire for us to freshen up our breath and rid ourselves of the shameful stench of B.O. via the scented soapiness of Irish Spring and minty fresh candies and gum. We really appreciate that, too. A more perfect green-themed party package could never be found......unless it's a package stuffed full of greenbacks!

Thanks, Ladies!

You look like you need a dose of green. Help me to help you. Clickety on this nice green banner and I get to ascend the ranks at humor-blogs.com and you get a little green action and satisfaction. You do know what they say about green, don't you?

A Dastardly Conspiracy Is Afoot!!!!!

Somebody in the United States Postal Service wanted me to feel sad and unloved on Valentine's Day. While I sat there crying into the crunchy taco salad that was Papi's Valentine's gift to me, this lovely little package chock-full of sweetness from my favorite Cowbell was still en route to La Casa De Infidel.

No Cool Story shipped this out from Cowbell Central on February 9. I finally received it last night, February 19. She paid an exorbitant $4.50 postage and the USPS couldn't be bothered to make sure I had the warmth and comfort of the fantastic Mr. Dibble ball or the assortment of candies in time for Valentine's Day. Triste. Muy triste.

Anyway, GRACIAS, NCS! Big Besos De Chocolate Para Ti! For your heroic efforts in bringing me happiness I'd like to share these two songs with you. They're current Infidel favorites and I think you'll likey them, too.

PINBACK- Good From Sea

BRAND NEW- Fork And Knife

Why Hallmark And American Greetings Called Security When I Tried To Sell Them My Card Ideas

A fit of wild inspiration hit me this week and I elected to parlay that into some dandy little homemade postcards for my Good Mail Girl peeps.

Infidel Tip Of The Day: Remember to always, no matter how secure of your writing talents, proofread. Always. Today, I sat addressing the cards to send them off to their new homes when I noticed a horrifying glitch on one of them.
This cheeky little card represents how I feel about the cheeseball inspirational stickers that came lodged in the middle of my value pack stickers featuring funky tank tops and lip gloss. I didn't want the stickers to go to waste, but I also felt a need to protect the snark credibility that only a true Smiling Infidel can accumulate. What to do? What to do? So, I slapped them onto this piece of cut-out posterboard and wrote adorable, feel good phrases underneath. What exactly is the problem then, you may ask? Take a looksie at the bottom left corner. It reads, "Hi, What's New?" and I finished it off with a delightful response of "This Weird Looking PUSSY Sore. Want To Come Closer To Look At It?"

Nuh-Uh, that's just all kinds of wrong. I intended it to mean PUSSY as in 'PUS-FILLED,' not like actual, you know, PUSSY. Don't worry, I modified the sentence this morning so none of the pure and mild Good Mail Girls will have to explain to their family why a stranger would inexplicably invite them to come take a close look at their weird PUSSY sore.

Goody Goody............Good Mail!!!

Although most of us don't drink, don't smoke, we're not to be confused with Goody Two, Goody Two, Goody Goody Two Shoes, aight?

Suzanne sent me this delightful candy-filled card in my darkest, most chocolate deficient hour. Each sweet line written by Suzanne evoked even sweeter feelings within me. But Suzanne isn't one of those all talk and no action chicks. Oh no! She puts her money where her mouth is. Or rather, she puts her chocolate where her writing is. And, in turn, I put the chocolate where MY mouth is! It's a win-win relationship all around. When I first pulled that glorious letter out of the envelope, my first and only thought was.......

Special thanks to Nikko and her bovine beauties sticker assortment.

And then there's Millie with her suspicious Tupperware secret operative spy postcards. Anyone who receives a Millie Tupperware card is forewarned that it contains hidden microchips that can detect cheap Dollar Store plastic containers. These clever but innocent looking postcards then records and sends all that information back to Millie down at Tupperware Intelligence Headquarters. The Tupperware ladies are watching you.....

Jeannie and I remain embroiled in a 'Who's The Most Savvy Environmentally Friendly Recycler?' competition. She sent me an adorable butterfly card which I promptly transformed into the darling magnets seen pictured below. Then I shipped them back to her with a note telling her that Father Al Gore loves me the best. Not to be outdone, Jeannie penned an entire note on the cardboard square that came with her sheet set. I've got something up my sleeve, though, that will have her crying "Mercy" before the week is out. Think you can beat me, Jeannie baby? Bring. It. On. Good Mail Girls............Keeping The United States Post Office Alive And Kicking Since 2007!

*Today's Music Was Specifically Picked Out For The Benefit Of Bloggy Friend Burg Who Has Never Experienced The Magic That A Little CAKE Can Bring Into One's Life*

Good Mail Girls Aren't Just Good.......They're Grrrrrrreat!

It's that time of the month again. No, not that time.......Good Mail Girl Booty Roundup Time!

That Crazy Bloggin Canuck, Amber practically insinuated that she could smell my foul Infidel breath all the way up into the pristine mountain air of Colorado, so she sent me some minty fresh gum to remedy the odorific situation! She also sent me a headband which she claims I can use as a miniature butt towel. Ha! That wouldn't even be big enough to absorb the beads of sweat on my upper lip. I've devised some other uses for Amber's gift. More on that in a future post.

Jeannie from Texas sent the purdy butterfly card which got front door space on our refrigerator. That's like the card V.I.P section in the Infidel house.

Isaura, another Texas peep, sent the Picasso replicate note card. It struck me as funny since during my dad's bachelor days, he only had this one framed print hanging on his walls. Nothing else. Not even a Farrah Fawcett poster. How incestuous do you presume the Internet to be? Well, cue up the "It's A Small World After All," music because Isaura not only calls H-Town home like I do, but I also know her parents who attend Church in the same Ward as us. Her father organized a kickin Homeschool Tour of The Port Of Houston, where he's the Big Jefe Poobah, last year, and completed our tour with a waiting table full of chili dogs! Yeah, free chili dogs=undying Infidel love. It's all so freaky, really. But in a good way. So, mind your tongue, because you just never know who may stumble across the things you write.

Look at the address label closely and you'll know who sent me a leetle birthday package stuffed full like a veritable cornucopia of goodness all for me! No Cool Story's gift arrived just in time as our house sat smack dab in the middle of a Houston style typhoon. Luckily, No Cool Story knows all and she thoughtfully provided me a super special umbrella hat to protect my lustrous Infidel hair from the harsh elements. I've always wanted balls, and now I have three! Not only that, but they're Smiling Infidel balls! Due to my generous nature I divvied up the remaining goodies with the mini-Infidels. Thanks No Cool Story!

Even my Papi received Good Mail this week. He came rushing in from the mailbox with flushed cheeks, excitedly waving this catalogue around that bore his name on the back. Yes, it seems that the company, Uniquely Quince, wants Papi to "embrace his inner princess" and use their over priced quinceanera products to "show off his sparkle." I flipped through the countless pages of glittering tiaras, scepters, attendant gifts, various party themes, and felt immediately grateful that we're not Catholic. Holy frickin crap, with 4 girls that would hit their quinceanera age within a 6 year span, we'd have to file bankruptcy. No, when my young ladies turn 15, I'll let them order the big pack of Chicken Nuggets at McDonald's to celebrate. Fifteen nuggets for each of their fifteen years. If they have a party, we'll make it a festive Dollar Store theme. Mismatched My Little Pony paper plates and party decorations imported from China for everybody!

Good Mail Girls......Single-Handedly Keeping The Post Office In Business Since 2007!

For those of you creeping up in age like I am, do you remember the cheeseball commercials for Impulse perfume back in the 80's? "If a man you've never met before suddenly gives you flowers.....that's Impulse!" I usually thought to my snarky little self, "Mmmm Hmmm, it could be your perfume, or it could just be a psychotic serial killer wooing you with a bouquet before he makes a winter coat out of your skin." Something about this whole Good Mail Girls project reminds me of those ads. Everytime I discover a fresh piece of mail from an unknown blogger mingling with my many bills in the Infidel mailbox, I automatically say to myself, "If a person you've never met before suddenly gives you stuff........that's Good Mail Girls!" Catchy, no? See how insidious pop culture is? Twenty years later and that little piece of marketing genius still resonates with me.Here's the Good Mail Shakedown list thus far:

To the left, to the left(Beyonce,anyone?): Gaze upon the bounty from Aubrey featuring a cute journal and birthday card along with some Pop Rocks. Note that she didn't send a Coke with it because she doesn't want me to explode before I can send something out to her. Once upon a time, this package came with a Dove Chocolate bar too. Sadly, an untimely end came quick and swift to the sweet little chocolatey morsel.

Movin on up, movin on up, to the top (and a deeluxe apartment in the skyyy):Jennifer personalized some Good Mail gift tags for me along with a sheet of stickers. She's the first blogger that I didn't 'know' to actually send me something.

To the front, to the front(now slide, baby, slide!):Annie sent me a birthday package with a notepad, bookmark, magnets, flower seeds, and a little bit o' chocolate. Yes, I hit the Good Mail Lottery with this chick!

Move it to the right(it's the Harlem Shuffle): Tori thoughtfully sent 2 CD's consisting of hymns arranged and performed by her super sweet husband for both myself and the grieving mother who lost her children last week. The awesome bubble wrap is an added bonus providing hours of POP! POP! POP! fun at the Infidel house

And on the far right where all the neo-con zealots dwell: Look closely at the beautiful wrapped chocolate mountain I made because it won't be there for much longer. Kimberly sent 4 candy bars all the way from the Great White North ,Canada, eh! No way hoser, I'm not sharing with any of you, eh.The Good Mail Girls have proven that they're versatile and willing to celebrate the good times as well as show sympathy during the times of sorrow and strife. This little collection of cards emphasizes how real and human our little blogger connection project has become. These ladies sent out messages of prayer and condolences for a nameless, faceless family who suffered an unimaginable loss of two children last week. They also took the time to holla a birthday shoutout to me!

Thanks Millie, Compulsive Writer, Amanda, PJ, and Raesha for your kind words and birthday wishes!

After work today, I'm dedicating the rest of my time to making all my fellow Good Mail Girls dreams come true! Like my Hawaiian friend, Lilo, once said, "No Good Mail Girl gets left behind......or forgotten." By the way, Good Mail will be answered in the order received which places the long waiting and ever patient, Jennifer, first on the list. The scriptures tell us that patience is a virtue, Jen, so you must be the most virtuous of them all!

Late Breaking News! This Just In! Extra Extra!

Lookie what Carronin sent me for my birthday! Thanks Carronin!

Giving A Whole New Meaning To The Phrase, "Hey, Nice Package!"

Super special bloggy friend, Carronin, sent me a super special package this week. In tribute to her famed and inventive blog, "Do's And Dont's," I'm gonna break this post down Carronin style!

DO hold your special package to your bosom while you dance a jig and sing out, "Rejoice! Rejoice!"

DON'T break out your junior C.S.I. handwriting analysis kit to see what kind of person your bloggy friend really is. (I did. The kit revealed that Carronin has a Shiz Factor to the infinite power!)

DO name your own personal lunch lady immediately. Blog world, meet Lunch Lady Helga.

DON'T put up with any crap from Helga. She's working for you, not the other way around. You see, Carronin sent Helga to Houston using First Class, and now Helga thinks she's V.I.P and too good to serve up Spam Casserole. She's insisting that we should feed people steak tartar and non-alcoholic mimosas. I draw the line at buying Helga, Chanel aprons, and Prada orthopedic shoes, though.

DO oooohh and aaaahh over your custom made CD and marvel at how much music you have in common with your bloggy buddy. Seriously, 'White And Nerdy,' is my official theme song to life. I want to bowl with the gangsters too!

DON'T act childish and pout because your kids want to play with your new toys. Remember to practice what you preach and share. I may have to build a special hiding place for Helga so that nobody else can horn in on my Tater Tot Surprise action.

DON'T use your new purdy pen and pad to write anonymous hate mail to your local radio station for overplaying Fergie, Nelly Furtado, and Coldplay. They have a way of tracking these things, you know.

DO start plotting your reciprocation strategy immediately.

DO encourage your shriveled heart to swell up with gratitude that you know such nice and thoughtful people.

Thanks Again, Carronin!