What The Smiling Infidel Is Listening To Right Now!

Okay, I've been enamored by the epic band TV On The Radio for several years now although I find their sound sort of hit or miss.

In other words they're the musical equivalent of "The Girl With The Curl."

When they're good, they're VERY good. But when they're bad, they're simply awful.

However, I've heard three new tracks from their upcoming CD entitled Nine Types Of Light and they are each and every one made of pure, unadulterated WIN!

The pre-released track "Caffeinated Consciousness" is available for FREE download right now and of course so is "Will Do."

"Will Do" is awesomeness especially because the main lyrics waxes on about "volcanic calderas" and I just learned all about calderas last semester in Geology.

Not too often do you find modern music referencing nerdy things like that.In your face Lady Gaga/Britney Spears/Ke$hA and all other talentless autotune hacks.

Anyway, if you're hankering for past greatness from TV On The Radio, I highly recommend "Crying" and the darkly broody-moody "DLZ."

The thing that amuses me the most about this group is that they feature a token white guy in their midst.

Most indie alternative bands have the requisite token black dude done up in certified hipster gear but not TV On The Radio. They do things differently.

I aspire to one day be the token geeky, white, fat hipster chick, too.

Terrific Tunes Tuesday (Foster The People-HOUDINI)

FOSTER THE PEOPLE just released this song last week.........
Upon hearing it I immediately ponied up the .99 cents to add it to my extensive iPod music collection......
It actually makes me want to get up and exercise.........
I love this song so much I would commit polyandry to marry it.......
I plan on putting this song on indefinite replay because it transports me to a magical world.......
A world where autotune nightmares like Ke$ha are punished for their musical crimes with a nice vocal cord clamp........

We're A Family Suffering From The Ill Effects Of IRA

You don't have to probe too far back into Infidel family history to find early IRA victims. Do you know IRA? You should. It's quite likely that you or somebody you know struggles with the heartbreak of IRA or as its better known Inappropriate Reaction Affliction.
See, I'm like my father. We both lack the necessary sentimental gene required to make it through ballad night on American Idol. It's an absolute physical impossibility.
I laughed uproariously during the entirety of the schlocky New Moon movie while my sisters-in-law were furiously hushing me in between dabbing away their endlessly flowing tears.
My mom, however, is a living embodiment of a Mrs. Butterworth's Syrup bottle nestled snugly inside a bag of extra cheesy Cheetos.
She's subsisted on a steady diet of treacly sweet nonsense and shameless cheese for so long she has to have built up an impressive dual cheeseball/syrup storage system somewhere around her spleen.
So anyway, my parents divorced when I was 2.
A few years before passing away my father confided in me that after the divorce he was inconsolable and listened to Elton John's despondent song, Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word non-stop for several months.
I was deeply moved by his uncharacteristically emotional outpouring so I naturally assumed my mom would be equally touched by the soul-crushing pain he endured but kept so well hidden from her and everyone else for the past 30-something years.
My mom's response? She collapsed onto the sofa and shook with laughter for a good five minutes.
IRA strikes whenever you least expect it.......Curse you IRA!

Crank Dat Infidel Girl!

I thought I'd post this schmaltz-tastic video to share with the world seeing as how I'm a bonafide honorary Jew and all.
Well, I am a Kosher Queen which is kind of like ABBA's "Dancing Queen" minus the ham.
Like I said, I am the Kosher Queen, well, for the most part and with the definite exception of my insatiable Pig-Out Porkfest days.......not to mention the fact that I occasionally flaunt some dangly bacon strip earrings that would make any decent Jewish American Princess shudder with revulsion. (Hey, at least I didn't buy the bacon strip pasties because I saw those in the same online shop)
And the fact that I've told some very, very, very naughty Matzoh Ball jokes in my time.
And then there's the snigger-worthy photoshop pic I created of "Jewbacca."
And my oldest son once thought that Michael Jackson's big 80's hit was actually an enthusiastic ode to Judaism. "I Wanna ROCK With Jews.....All Night."
And maybe I'd be disqualified from honorary Jew status if they knew it was me who yakked up half-digested halvah candy and gefilte fish at the synagogue right before Rhona Goldstein's bat mitzvah and then hoofed it out of there as fast as my fat little gentile legs could run, only returning when it was time to shake my Christian tookus to the sweet sounds of the Dirty Dancing soundtrack at the after party.
But anyways, I do know every single solitary word to Hannukah's Da Bomb, Aight, and I can spin a dreidel at warp speed, so really, all should be forgiven.


Here's CRANK DAT KOSHER BOY for your viewing pleasure! I hope it gets a place of honor on a Jewkbox somewhere.

How Many Men Does It Take To Cover An Oft Nude Prince??!?

Apparently, it takes FIVE.
Just don't ask me how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop. As a professional Tootsie Roll Pop licker I just can't divulge that kind of information for free without damaging my career.
I know that we're only 8 months into the year but I'm going to go ahead and declare the alt-rock geniuses of Incubus the winner of my 2009 Raspberry Beret award for their magnificent Prince-covering work in the guitar-drenched ditty, Let's Go Crazy.
Good job, guys! So tonight we gonna party like it's 2009!
Let me pause a moment as I shower them with a deluge of Purple Rain.....
I don't want to be presumptuous, but barring the release of a seductive version of Prince's classic Erotic City as performed by squeaky clean teen David Archuleta, Incubus will easily remain this year's grand champion with little to no competition.
Admittedly though, the thought of the Mormon Tabernacle choir covering Little Red Corvette amuses me greatly. I can envision them clad in their pristine white robes singing the chorus while dancing The Steering Wheel.
Maybe Metallica will take on I Would Die 4 U?
And Ozzy Osbourne can mumble his way through an updated working of When Doves Cry......of course, he is the guy that bit the head off a dove live in concert. I bet prior to his Marie Antoinette maneuver, he yelled at the whimpering dove, "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about!"
Susan Boyle and her new found fame would be a perfect fit for Prince's The Most Beautiful Girl In The World, don't you think?
Anyways, congratulations go out to Incubus for their Princely accomplishments! Each band member will be awarded their very own honorary Raspberry Beret.....why yes, it is the kind you find in a second-hand store.!

INCUBUS- LET'S GO CRAZY!!!

And Now Who Is Left In The Music World That'll Sing Love Songs To A Rat??!???

Michael Jackson.......He's either moonwalking in Heaven right now or experiencing an episode of flaming hair deja vous somewhere in Hell. I really can't say for sure. All I know is that I'll be plugged into my iPod until the overly dramatized and hysterical fervor surrounding the passing of the supposed King of Pop dies down.
He was the King of Pop. I'm the Queen of Poop. I certainly hope that my passing will be trumpeted by an equal amount of tear-soaked hubbub.
Really, enduring the endless parade of stone-faced and somber commentators remark one after another about the "tragic" passing of Michael and how music's brightest light has just been extinguished is just a little more than I can bear.
These are the same people who thought nothing about capitalizing on the salacious stories surrounding Michael for the past decade. These are the same talking heads who laughed uproariously at all the Michael Jackson jokes.
It's only been a few hours since the man breathed in his last breath and I'm already irritated at the less than sincere weeping and wailing rollicking over the airwaves coupled with endless MJ music marathons. So completely gag-worthy.
Even the alternative stations are getting in on the all-Michael-all-the-frickin-time bandwagon by playing the worst Michael Jackson covers ever heard outside of the Tone Deaf Karaoke Club. There is no escape. Chris Cornell's sllllooooww mooooo version of "Billie Jean" blows. Ditto for Fall Out Boy's pathetic attempt to revive the mercifully long dead ditty, "Beat It." Vampire Weekend performed an electronica version of "I Want You Back." Sadly it's every bit as bad as it sounds. Alien Ant Farm remains the sole exception in this category because their "Smooth Criminal" remake rocks.
Child molesters shouldn't be so slobberingly revered regardless of how wonderful their musical talent is. Sorry. There's a valid reason that Michael sang "Pretty Young Thing (PYT)" and not PMT ( Pretty Middle-Aged Thing).
The greatest memory of Michael Jackson--the one that'll stick with me forever and for always?
That would have to be the day my oldest son Buster thought that Michael was some sort of advocate for the Jewish way of life. He was absolutely crushed that the news reports kept discussing comments made by Jackson that would seem to indicate that he was, in fact, rather anti-Semitic.
Confused, Buster turned to me and said "What do they mean that Michael Jackson doesn't like Jewish people?!?!? He's got that song dedicated to them: I Wanna Rock With JEWS!
Sing it with me gentle readers with your solitary single sequined glove raised high in the air. Do it to pay your respects for the passing of dear old Michael Jackson.....sing it loud, sing it proud.
"I WANNA ROCK WITH JEWS.......ALL NIGHT!"



R.I.P. MICHAEL JACKSON

One Of The Most Clever Music Videos I've Seen In A Long Time

As an added bonus, I absolutely love the song too. Oren himself directed this snappy and brilliant little video that moves seamlessly along with his lyrics.

When Cutting Edge Indie Rock Loses All Street Cred

I've been amused beyond all measure of reason by the recent playing of hipster alterna-rock at the most unexpected and definite non-hipster places.

We went shopping at HEB grocery store on Saturday night and started laughing when we heard the latest darlings of the college music scene getting blasted over the HEB Radio speakers.

Vampire Weekend- The Kids Don't Stand A Chance

While shopping for such novelties as Jeffy (Foxworthy) Jerky and Delta Burke lingerie at Big Lots off-price store (don't ever buy food there) we were treated to the strains of Guster's Satellite mixed into a Big Lots Broadcasting set list comprising of mostly super edgy hits from superstar acts like Bernie Higgins (Sailing Away To Key Largo) and Lou Rawls (You'll Never Find).

Guster- Satellite

Poor Peter, Bjorn, and John. One day you compose a song worthy of head-bobbing, shoulder-shaking from the hippest of the hip. The next day it starts to get played over the in-store radio at the most milquetoast of places. We've heard it at both Marshall's discount clothing chain and the 99 Cents Only store.


Peter, Bjorn, And John- Young Folks

I guess 20 years from now all these songs will end up as elevator Muzak.
I need to figure out who to ask and where to apply for the in-store radio DJ job......and then I'll just wait for the music label promotion money to start rolling into my greased-up little palms.

*This Just In! We heard The Kooks getting airplay on Ross in-store radio.*

The Infidel Way To Deal With A Christmas Spirit That Suddenly Turns Ugly

What's more natural than taking your family on a festive holiday hay ride during the weeks leading up to Christmas?
Well, leave it to us Infidels to turn something wholesomely natural into something grotesquely unnatural.
So there we sat cheek-to-cheek on the back of a hay-stuffed trailer along with a bevy of shivering strangers.
Aside from an occasional cough or sneeze the hay ride adventure lurched forward with nary a peep.
I spontaneously tried to rally the mini-Infidels into singing some Christmas carols to break the chilled winter silence and bring cheer to our fellow passengers.
One chorus of Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer later, I sullenly pulled my knit cap down to cover my flushed face as the entire trailer of sour-faced people glared at us.
I didn't realize that we had stumbled onto the "Silent Night/Quiet Night/Shut The Freak Up Night" hay ride tour.
Hey, getting your heiny stabbed through your britches with a thousand points of dried-out hay isn't pleasant for anyone but we must think of our brave hay ride pioneer ancestors and how they soldiered on with a song on their lips and bugs in their teeth.
As though our failed attempt at turning a lackluster hay ride into a cheery Hay Ride:The Musical! event wasn't mortifying enough, then my second oldest mini-Infidel, Stef had to act like she was a couple jingle bells short of a Jingle Bell Choir by making some very oddball Christmas music comments.
Stef actually remarked out loud that she gets The Carol Of The Bells and Tubular Bells mixed up.
Okay, one tune rejoices in the coming of the Savior while the other one provides an ominous backdrop for a demonic exorcism.
Yeah, I certainly can see how those two songs can be confused.
I may have to one day explain to Stef that Chuck Berry's rowdy sing-a-long "My Ding-A-Ling" isn't really about bells on a string........ No, it really isn't. Sorry if I ruined the illusion for you.
So, while still laughing at Stef, the rest of us started dreaming up a collaborative Medley Of Bells to accompany any nice Christmas exorcism. A tune soaring and dramatic enough to make old Ebenezer Scrooge smile perniciously as he gets the drop on his visiting spirits with a strategically placed Ghostbuster brand ghost trap now with ectoplasm inhibitors.
Ebenezer Part 2:Revisited.....He Ain't Fraid' Of No Ghost(s)
We got as far as combining AC/DC's Hell's Bells, Tubular Bells and the always creepy Michelle, My Belle before we knew we had hit upon a Christmas Exorcism music gold mine!
And if that fails to vanquish evil spirits, you can always use the special demon-smashing Silver Bell included with every Bell Medley CD purchase.
Ooops, Up, Side Yo Head, scary possessed thingie!
Just hear those demon slay bells jingling ring-ting-tingling too. That's right it's lovely weather for a nice exorcism with you.
*The official Bell Medley Pack may also be used to ward off annoying family, co-workers, and bill collectors, too;but only on Christmas. Product expires December 26.*

Oy There Matey....We Gonna Party Like It Was 1980

Know what I love and miss? The synthesizer-driven music of the 80's that always seemed so carefree and peppy.

Pop music and fashion are such cyclical affairs--usually averaging a recycled trend every 2 decades. Well, it's been over 20 years and the 80's sound is re-emerging in a big way.

Sadly, so are stirrup pants, leg warmers, checkered Vans, bubble skirts, and shirts with faux vests sewn onto the front. I witnessed all of those fashion atrocities at the mall last week along with Kangaroo shoes (Remember those? They have a useful zippered pocket on the sides.) and roving herds of wannabe punks wearing Sex Pistol T-shirts and fluorescent-tipped mohawks.

I have a love affair with all things Australian that I can barely comprehend let alone articulate. I love their culture, history, landscape, and most of all, their music. Not coincidentally, I've discovered two fantastic 80's-inspired groups via XM Satellite Radio, and both of whom hail from Australia.

Empire Of The Sun channels a distinct OMD/Psychedelic Furs vibe while Cut Copy could pass themselves off as New Order's kid brothers.

If you need me, I'll be here dutifully pegging my turquoise acid wash jeans and layering up multi-colored socks.

EMPIRE OF THE SUN- WALKING ON A DREAM (3:20)

CUT COPY- HEARTS ON FIRE (3:42)

HERE'S THE OFFICIAL VIDEO FOR THE CUT COPY SONG. YOUTUBE DISABLED THE EMBEDDING FEATURE.

If My Mexi-Man Papi Had His Way We Would All Spell People As "PEE-PLE"

A few months ago my mom invited us Infidels out to see a live performance of the perenially perky UP WITH PEOPLE group.

Studies show that the International cast members who comprise UP WITH PEOPLE have been directly infused with large doses of sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows everything in addition to a spoonful of sugar thrown in for good measure-- it makes it all go down in the most delightful way.

When I was but a wee young Infidel lass, my mother always took me to the UP WITH PEOPLE concerts whenever they hit Houston. Some kids dream of running away to join the circus. Not me. I fantasized of one day getting some fancy veneers and joining the photogenic UP WITH PEOPLE crew. I yearned to be one of them-- blinding audiences worldwide with my dazzling white toothy smile and amazing jive-talking jazz hands.

Alas, by the time I hit 12 I realized that I wasn't at all cute, I couldn't sing, I couldn't dance, I couldn't stomp out a rhythm even if my very life depended on me stomping an emergency Morse code, I looked horrible in brightly colored cardigans and khakis, and I definitely wasn't perky.

I would have been better qualified for a humanity-hating production of DOWN WITH PEOPLE.

Anyway, aside from a few vague and disinteresting dialogue moments steeped in Utopian and "It Takes A Village" blah blah, the show was suprisingly good. The mini-Infidels really loved it and clamored to go get their pictures taken with as many UP WITH PEOPLE participants as they could.

I showed Papi the pictures when we got home. Despite the fact that UP WITH PEOPLE had many cast members originating from Mexico and the fact that they tour extensively there, Papi hadn't ever heard of them.

His quizzical response to the first picture I snapped-showing the group's name and logo-left me gasping for air from laughing so hard.

Papi said: "What exactly is U PEE WITH PEOPLE??!!??"

Here's a sampling of the UP WITH PEOPLE performers in action at last year's Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade:

Christian Rock Totally Inspires ME! (To Have Weird Thoughts)

We're currently slobbering all over this boss song by Houston Hometown Boy, Jimmy Needham. As me and my mini-Infidels sat in my truck this afternoon totally soaking up his Jason Mraz meets Jesus Freak guitar-drenched sound, I couldn't help but think that with a last name like NEEDHAM it's probably a good thing that he's Christian and not say, an observant Jew or a Muslim.

Yeah, calling out "NEED HAM" during a mosque or synagogue activity might be rather awkward for the cleric/rabbi involved.

*Squeeeeeeeee.....Jimmy Needham is playing a concert not too far from our house next week and tickets are only 2 dollars. Now if I could just figure out a way to wiggle out of work for the evening.*

JIMMY NEEDHAM- LOST AT SEA

And in further happy, happy Infidel news somewhat related to the influence of Christian Rock.....remember Mr. Ash Hole? Well he had the unmitigated gall to call in to the office and report that I purposely swerved my truck to the side so I could hit him! Okay, if someone almost mows you down with their vehicle, wouldn't you call 911? If it was such a matter of urgency, why did he wait 2 weeks to call the office? I told my boss that I wrote about Ash Hole and I have it documented on my blog that it happened 2 weeks ago. Hey, truth is Senior Girly-Man wanted to play the part of an elderly Bad Azz by standing in the middle of the street. At the last minute he thought better of going up against a 1/2 ton pickup and moved his butt to the safety of the curb when I revved the engine and jammed on the gas. I won this round of Chicken and Mr. Ash Hole is just a sore loser!

Sorry Coldplay, This Is ROYWORLD You're Living In, Baby!

My apologies to any Coldplay fans but I personally HATE Coldplay's new CD, VIVA LA VIDA. I especially dislike the way all the radio stations from FM to XM are whoring up the first track 'Violet Hill' which is the most meh, blah, and tepidly mediocre single from Coldplay in years. But that's the standard modus operandi for most stations- it's all HYPE, HYPE, HYPE for the established bands which leaves little air time for something newer and more interesting.

I found something newer and more interesting anyway. They're called ROYWORLD and they remind me of Coldplay when Coldplay used to rock. ROYWORLD also performs this one song entitled 'Elasticity.' *sigh* Yes, they wrote a song about Elastic City. How could I not be totally in love with them? ROYWORLD's latest release is the melodic and super catchy 'Dust' and it secures a place as the Infidel Jam Of The Month. Oh, and just because the song is called 'Dust' and the video is full of actual, you know, dust it's still completely safe for those with allergies. The video should have a disclaimer....Will Not Cause Watery Eyes, Congestion, Sniffling, Or Wetting Your Pants While Sneezing.

ROYWORLD- DUST

*Check out the piano guy passionately pounding the keys while patenting his smooooooth chicken neck moves*

We Saw David Cassidy In Someone's Front Yard!

Well, to be more precise we actually spotted yard signs heralding the extracurricular activities of two local students named David and Cassidy.

I wonder if they have a dad named Ron? Perhaps both children are the resulting products of their father waggling his eyebrows suggestively at their mother while seductively crooning, "Hey, baby, why don't you Do Ron Ron Ron, Da Do Ron Ron?"

Yep, the only thing missing to make this family complete is an Irish Setter named Bonaduce. With both the canine and human counterpart, Danny Bonaduce, featuring all-over wild and woolly red fur, they're nearly impossible to tell apart.

*This post is dedicated to Nancy Face who still loves David Cassidy 4-ever!*

And Now It's Time For Another Thought Provoking Edition Of Stevie Wonders!

Today Stevie Wonders if he should reveal the whole truth about what really inspired him to write his hit song 'Boogie On Reggae Woman' to the probing VH1 Behind The Music interviewer.

See, Stevie was jamming at an outdoor Bob Marley concert when he could no longer ignore the chunk of dried mucous obstructing his nasal passage. With expert Ninja nose-picking skills he covertly dug around with his thumbnail and removed the hideous green chunk before absent-mindedly flicking it into the crowd. Unfortunately, the offensive booger landed on the dread-locked lady in front of him swaying side-to-side in her rainbow tie-dyed dress.

The guilt was tremendous.........so he penned the lyrics to 'Boogie On Reggae Woman' to assuage his own nagging conscience even though harmonica players could die if they aren't able to breathe properly through their noses. That's right. DIE. In essence Stevie Wonders saved his own life with his heroic boogie retrieval and the world gained some great music at the same time. Win, win.
*Click Here For Graphic Photos Of Boogies On Reggae Women. It's Got The humor-blogs.com Seal Of Approval*

When Good Country Stars Go Bad!

Beloved Country singer, Randy Travis has diversified his trademark sound-- taking it from the trailer park to the crack house.

Plans for a duet with Marie Osmond is currently in the works. The track is tentatively titled "I'm A Little Bit Country/I'm A Little Bit Gangsta Rap." Fo shizzle.

While sipping on gin and juice, laid back, with his mind on his money and his money on his mind, Randy released a statement confirming that he will no longer respond when referred to as "Mr. Randy Travis." He's already in the process of legally changing his name to "Big Daddy Randy" in preparation of his upcoming summer tour with the R.W.A (Rednecks With Attitude) Posse.

Anyway, I caught his new sound while listening to my XM Satellite Radio recently. That jam, "No Place Like Ho" is poppin!

The planned video is choreographed to showcase scantily clad exotic dancers shimmying around a pole while simultaneously clicking their clear plastic high heels together three times and seductively chanting, "Ain't No Place Like Ho. Ain't No Place Like Ho." Wow, I can hardly wait!

Look for Big Daddy Randy's upcoming CD, "Straight Outta Nashville, Shawty!" to drop soon!

*humor-blogs.com is sponsoring a new fusion sound CD featuring duets between Metallica and Air Supply*

And Now For Another Exciting Installment In The 'Stevie Wonders' Saga!

Today, Stevie Wonders if he can reinvigorate his career by tinkering with some of his song lyrics in hopes that Weird Al will agree to perform the revised versions and make them a hit amongst a demographic of younger listeners.

Suddenly 'Sir Duke' becomes 'Sir Dookie' and Stevie Wonder is cashing in twice on a 30-year-old song. Oh yeah, you can feel it all over. You can feel it all over, people.

humor-blogs.com only likes Green Day Dookie.

It's Time To Admit It: Huey Lewis Rocks My World!

Well he doesn't exactly rock me in the musical sense, mind you, but by all accounts Huey Lewis is a genuinely nice guy. In this selfish mortal realm punctuated with cut-throat attitudes, that really means something.

Last week, the Huey-Haters team sadly lost their bid to spread their venomous Huey-loathing message across the web. The resulting poll numbers are pretty clear......... I got owned by exuberant fans who voted the Huey-Haters down on practically a 2 to 1 margin. Now, I'm not insinuating that the poll was in any way skewed but I think the Huey-Haters would have fared much better during International Huey Hatred Week instead of the Christmas holidays. I speculate that by the time the survey made its debut people were already sitting around feeling guilty as they had to listen to John Lennon continuously implore "So this is Christmas, and what have you done??!!???" In response the public voted overwhelmingly for Huey just because Christmas is a time of peace and love and they could assuage their own nagging conscience by saying, "You know what, John? You know what I did this Christmas? I voted for Huey." Per written agreement with the humor-blogs creator and self-professed Huey Lover, Diesel, I, as the loser of this bet, must sing the glorious praises of Huey Lewis from the mountain top on high now.

So, I'm sitting in my truck listening to yet another overplayed Justin Timberlake song and I start thinking "Crap. Again? I should organize a fundraiser to buy the station some new music because obviously they can't afford to expand their collection beyond Nickelback, matchbox 20, and Daughtry." As the station polluted the airwaves with the sounds of the seemingly inescapable Colbie Caillat tune, 'Bubbly' for the third time that hour, I realized that the tiresome music rotation of the radio was crushing my very heart and soul. Irritated, I quickly switched the channel to surprisingly find the equivalent of a 'Heart and Soul' transplant courtesy of Huey Lewis and The News. I have to grudgingly confess that his music is significantly less annoying than the majority of the Grammy Award-celebrated artists of today.

And then I found this article detailing how Huey Lewis has a huge following among the mentally retarded.

No, I'm not taking that statement any further.

As the sister of an 18 year-old brother who's afflicted with a chromosomal abnormality akin to Down's Syndrome I'm really impressed with the good works that Huey Lewis has done in the mentally handicapped community and the way he makes them feel special and important. I never knew this charitable side of Huey because he's not a shameless publicity whore about it at all.

While I'm not rushing out to get a flamboyant 'Huey Forever!' tramp stamp inked across the small of my back, I would readily buy his music to support his philanthropic side. Of course, I'd then give all the music away, but still.......

Huey Haters Of The World Unite!

Ain't No Livin In A Perfect World........
but this in-your-face graphic declaring my blog a magically enchanted Huey Lewis-Free Xanadu is a pretty dang good start towards perfection!

There's a prophecy that tells of a devious and silver-fingered false prophet who will descend down upon an unsuspecting blogging people proclaiming himself as the "preeminent" authority of all things musically good and holy in an effort to lead them away from the truth. That false prophet is already here among us, and his name is Diesel. Don't be led astray by his charmingly deceptive ways because no matter what delusional things he asserts, Huey Lewis still doth bloweth.

Let not your hearts be troubled by this charlatan as he tries to woo you away to The Promised Land Of Huey Lewis. Sure, Diesel will cunningly lure in unwitting victims with whimsical tales of a golden, lite-rock Utopia when in actuality it's more akin to Pinochhio's Pleasure Island where the Huey Lewis-immersed inhabitants eventually find themselves transformed into blandly vanilla azzes donkeys plopped on stools in a seedy old sports bar, mindlessly braying along to the horrors that only Huey's doo-wop vocals, interchangeable melodies, and predictable lyrics can bring. Friends, I am the chosen one to lead you towards musical truth and light.

Me and my posse of Huey Haters have our own slogan and everything.
Huey Lewis And The Old School News: "We hear him singin-- we hatin, he's the original white and nerdy. Holy cow, he's so white and nerdy."

Diesel is a self-admitted radio corruptician who will stop at nothing to sabotage the airwaves with his inane Huey Lewis song requests. The most dreaded words in radio history? "And now we present an All Day Huey Lewis Music Marathon." JT may be bringing 'SexyBack' but Diesel is hellbent on bringing 'HueyBack'--to what end one can only guess. Don't you ever sigh when you hear people phone in to the DJ asking for the same song thats inundated the radio for the past 25 years? I do, and I think "Shazam! Please for the love of all that is good and musically copacetic pack up your Huey Lewis Greatest Hits CD collection and go rendezvous with your Cult of Huey Lewis brethren down at the old roller disco rink turned fall-out shelter . There you can worship freely at the altar of Huey Lewis hidden away behind beer tab curtains and some faded Bananarama posters and spare the rest of us the agony."

Theres a time and a season for everything.......and Huey had joy, he had fun, he had seasons in the sun, but he's an 80's relic better left behind with parachute pants.
Cool is a rule, but sometimes... OK, pretty much all the time... Huey's bad. Personally, I Want A New Drug every time I have to involuntarily allow him to penetrate my sacred earhole.
One that'll make me unconscious-- dreaming of Mountain Dew-- one that makes me deaf when the radio plays yoooooouuuu, when the radio plays you.....

It's no longer hip to be square, y'all. We must march forward and embrace progress because yes, The Heart Of Rock N Roll is still beating. Only now its in the chests of flop-haired EMO boys and rap fusion groups. You have a huge devoted fan base, Diesel but do you really expect the music aficionados among them to stop the world and melt with you? This Huey obsession could lead to the dreaded slippery slope. Today Diesel's using a monogrammed Huey Lewis bib to sop up all the drool that spills forth whenever someone utters the trigger word 'Huey.' Tomorrow we could very well see him banging a cowbell in tribute to Loverboy or talking about a PB&D(Pat Benatar and Diesel) sandwich or he suddenly decides that he 'Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore' and it becomes all REO Speedwagon all the time. Posts about Rick Springfield can't be far behind.

I'm an avowed anti-Huey as shown in this post. In response, Diesel challenged me with a snipey '1 2 3 4, I declare a Huey War.' What could I do? I heeded the call. He's made terroristic threats that if I lose the Huey battle I must display his pathetic Huey Lewis banner for all of 2008 on my blog. The vile thing shamelessly pleads with people to sign a petition to send Huey off to the waiting arms of The Rock N Roll Hall of Fame. I don't negotiate with terrorists and neither should you. We must all unite as one to protest this affront to our auditory sensibilties and make signs that scream out:

LISTENING TO HUEY MAKES MY BOWELS GO ALL KABLEWIE!

ENJOY CHOP SUEY, NOT HUEY!

HUEY LEWIS AND THE NEWS LED ME TO A LIFE OF BOOZE!

MENTIONS OF HUEY MAKES ONLY DIESEL FEEL WET AND DEWY!

(I flunked out of The Academy For Incendiary Protest Sign Makers)

The moment of reckoning has arrived. Choose ye this day. Will you succumb to the mediocrity that pocks each and every grossly overplayed Huey tune or will you rise up and support me in my quest to banish blah and uninteresting music from permeating the blogosphere? VOTE NO TO ALL THINGS HUEY! A vote for me keeps this blog definitely Huey-Free permanently for all eternity. Yippee!

Opinion Polls & Market Research

*Special thanks to Huey Haters President, NCS for her mad photoshop brilliance and to the always pithy, Millie*

XM Radio Gone Wild........The Completely Uncensored Pictures!

Lately I've been a bit concerned about my beloved XM Satellite Radio. It seems to have developed a very unhealthy fixation towards things of a posterior nature. Observe the conclusive findings of my intensive and psychologically deep butt probe.
Tori Amos- Sleeps With Butt
Really???!!? Maybe she should find someone else to sleep with if she can't say anything nice about her current sleeping companion.






The White Stripes-The Hardest Butt
Did Jack White write this after a particularly strenuous workout with his Buns Of Steel program? The hardest butt is the toughest to crack.....





Smashing Pumpkins-Bullet With Butt
(Kind of hard to see. Stupid cell phone camera)
Did Billy Corgan order specially made bullets with tiny engraved butts displayed on them? Maybe that was the ammo store special of the month......'Today Only: Git Your Bullet With A Side Of Butt For Half-Price!'

I'm just an amateur at analyzing the darkened annals of the booty-obsessed mind. Perhaps this is a case better reserved for a Freudian-trained specialist dealing in naughty XM Radio displays. I also have to report that my XM radio flashed a sign at me just last week saying, 'I Want Your Sex,' and it inappropriately propositioned a dear friend of mine with a sultry message of 'Let's Get It On.' If this continues I may have to give my satellite display a nice, old-fashioned cold shower to settle down some of this friskiness.