The Smiling Infidel's Shop of Homemade Valentine Cards Is Now Open For Business!

Caterpillar, my 3rd grade daughter with big bushy caterpillaresque eyebrows, decided to make her own Valentine cards for the class exchange.
I elected to join the artsy fartsy extravaganza too since it's not often that we drag out the multitudes of crafty buckets, and crafty crates, and crafty boxes from the crafty storage locker.
John "Thank God I'm A Country Boy" Denver himself inspired me to create this one-of-a-kind construction paper masterpiece for my beloved husband, Papi.
OUTSIDE:

INSIDE:

If you've been reading this blog since 2006, then you understand the joke. If you haven't, then you need to dedicate the next two weeks to soaking in all 650 posts. Pronto!

Okay, back in April 1994, as Papi and I drove to Pancho's Mexican Buffet to enjoy our first date, we heard the news that the dead body of Nirvana front man Kurt Cobain had been discovered. I wrote a post using all Nirvana titles HERE.

Anyway, I'm not a Sentimental Lady at all (much to Bob Welch's disappointment) but because of Kurt, I'll never forget the momentous occasion of our first date.

Here's my scrapped Valentine's Card rough draft:

YOU FILL UP MY SENSES.....

LIKE A DEAD GRUNGE ALT ROCKER

I decided that wasn't as romantic as reminiscing over me and Papi's shared love of Pancho's delicioso chili rellenos.

Neither was discussing our post-date adventures:

YOU FILL UP MY SENSES....

LIKE THE STINK IN THE BATHROOM

Papi's a lucky, lucky man, for this year he'll celebrate with not one but TWO fancy cards custom-

designed especially for him by his loving wife.

OUTSIDE:

INSIDE:

There's a lot of naughty hidden messages on this card. You can squint and holler at Lurlene to fetch you your readin spectacles all you want, but you won't be able to read them. I used a special ink that can only be deciphered by the eyes of my one true love.

I'm also going to make some scandalous lingerie out of crepe paper streamers, gingham fabric scraps, and some googly eyes.

One day, when Sinnamon Bunns from the Shady Lady Cabaret gets her own craft show, then she can give you a personal tutorial on how to construct the classiest nipple pasties you've ever seen out of heart-shaped crafty foam.

I cannot tell a lie:

Taco Bell Hot Sauce moves me to do strange and wondrous things with scrapbooking scissors and a hot glue gun.

OUTSIDE: (SAUCY!)

INSIDE:(Needs a sample pack of Preparation H)

HAPPY VD EVERYONE!

VD=Valentine's Day not Venereal Disease....which is too bad because I've got this great idea for a line of VD cards that feature a real condom in the middle......

Where Do Old Chefs Go To Die?

Do they go to 'An Old Chefs' retirement home where they compete in cooking contests using only bran and prunes as ingredients? Maybe they get sent out to pasture where they can run and frolic freely alongside packs of wild chefs? The answer is:none of the above.
No, apparently they all get shipped out to the special Santa Paula spice factory crematorium where their culinary essence is transformed into a rusty orange powder and packaged right up for retail sale at fine generic stores everywhere.
Always one to set himself apart from the crowd, Super Chef Emeril Lagasse has bottled his own name-brand essence to reduce the chances of having to co-mingle his superior essence with the essence of a more common chef who probably only ever wore a foufy little white hat while serving up runny omelets stuffed with imitation bacon bits to bloated tourists down at the La Quinta Inn breakfast buffet.

Now, I know all you gourmands are saying, "But hey, that Emeril guy is still alive!" Exactly right. Much like the mystifying question, 'Who's buried in Grant's Tomb?' we have to wonder who's really inside Emeril's Essence.

He's obviously perpetrating a fraud when he claims you can have a little Emeril in every bite. BAM!

*I sprinkled some Essence of humor-blogs.com on my meal but it made it taste funny.*

XM Radio Gone Wild........The Completely Uncensored Pictures!

Lately I've been a bit concerned about my beloved XM Satellite Radio. It seems to have developed a very unhealthy fixation towards things of a posterior nature. Observe the conclusive findings of my intensive and psychologically deep butt probe.
Tori Amos- Sleeps With Butt
Really???!!? Maybe she should find someone else to sleep with if she can't say anything nice about her current sleeping companion.






The White Stripes-The Hardest Butt
Did Jack White write this after a particularly strenuous workout with his Buns Of Steel program? The hardest butt is the toughest to crack.....





Smashing Pumpkins-Bullet With Butt
(Kind of hard to see. Stupid cell phone camera)
Did Billy Corgan order specially made bullets with tiny engraved butts displayed on them? Maybe that was the ammo store special of the month......'Today Only: Git Your Bullet With A Side Of Butt For Half-Price!'

I'm just an amateur at analyzing the darkened annals of the booty-obsessed mind. Perhaps this is a case better reserved for a Freudian-trained specialist dealing in naughty XM Radio displays. I also have to report that my XM radio flashed a sign at me just last week saying, 'I Want Your Sex,' and it inappropriately propositioned a dear friend of mine with a sultry message of 'Let's Get It On.' If this continues I may have to give my satellite display a nice, old-fashioned cold shower to settle down some of this friskiness.

Turning Mexican, I Think I'm Turning Mexican, I Rather Think So.......

Papi and I really love that new vampire detective show on CBS: Moonlight. It's scintillating, mindless diversion the way scintillating, mindless diversion was intended to be. There's only two TV programs I watch faithfully during the week and this follows immediately after my beloved Ghost Whisperer. I've since lovingly adopted Moonlight into my limited TV viewing schedule.

So basically Mick St. John is the Edward Cullen of the Vampire Detective World. He has morals! He has values! He has a great azz, feathered hair, and an undead heart of gold!

MOONLIGHT [1:58]

This particularly steamy episode featured the main chick who lusts after Mick as she takes a naughty drug made of vampire blood that sends her straight into batsheet crazy territory. At precisely 1:15 or so you see her pulling a Bella Swan by pantingly begging Mick to turn her into a vampire while offering up her succulent neck. Of course our hero doesn't take the bait and instead douses the mortal hottie in a cold shower.

As soon as the commercial break hit, my Mexican Papi startlingly lunged across the bed at me and bared his teeth inches from my neck as he seductively purred, "Girlie, do you want me to turn you?" I started laughing as I pushed him away and said, "Turn me into what? A Mezzican? I'd rather die than ride around in a low-rider Vatamobile blaring mariachi music while eating a chorizo breakfast taquito. Besides a diet rich in beans is no bueno for a farty chick like me."

My amazing, over-talkative Gringa Powers saved me once again from the clutches of a hot, Mexican predator!

Wait a minute. I want to be pursued by a hot, Mexican predator. I wonder if I can trade in my Gringa Powers for some Chicana Power? Maybe then I can finally satisfy my man........by making him the best Chicken Mole evah!

This Writing Technique Earned The Erik Estrada Seal Of Approval!

The August gathering of the Creative and Radical Alternative Penmanship Society, or C.R.A.P, will now come to order.

Our exclusive writing review board is a little short-staffed after the big Agatha Christie Poison Pen fiasco last week. Our condolences to the families. We're playing things a little safer this time by showcasing the finest in edible ink.

Voltaire had his favorite feather pen which, if he were alive today, would likely heatedly argue with Captain Feathersword of The Wiggles over which is mightier- The feather pen? Or the feather sword? At C.R.A.P, we eschew classic writing traditions, and opt instead for the unique. Our reviewer, Sunbum, has donned a lovely sombrero for the occasion, and filled her ink well with picante sauce to test its worthiness as a viable ink substitute. Armed with a bowl of tortilla chips, Sunbum carefully pens an important message onto the scrolled paper.

Weary of people telling her that her writing lacks zest and verve, Sunbum happily reports that chronicling her thoughts with salsa adds an instant spiciness to everything, with little to no effort. Quotes Sunbum: "I imagine that this is what a Penmanship Class in Mexico must look like. Tables filled with fresh hot sauce and tortilla chips, just ready for their eager pupils to create a written masterpiece with."

Indeed. Who wants to enter the strenuously choreographed world of salsa dancing when you can sit on your butt and become a salsa writer instead?

Sunbum had only one lament about using the Chip N Dip process. She advises that it's a technique best used when accompanied by a huge writer's block.....of cheese!
Next week, our reviewer will travel back to the beginning of writing instrument history by using a bug-eyed squid to recapture the pen and ink basics.

Wordless Wednesday Edition: "Which Spice Girl Am I?....... Dollar Store Spice!"