Wednesday, April 30, 2008

A Surfer Suffering From The Stomach Flu Will Never Describe It As Being "Totally TUBULAR!"

The entire Infidel family suffered from a particularly distressing case of the stomach flu last week. It was horrible. It was revolting. It was gastrointestinal drama at its peak as 8 people jockeyed for position to score seating on the 2 commodes in the Infidel household.

So, statistically, the odds of winning the toilet-line lottery in enough time without resorting to doing the demoralizing Cheek Clench-Abdominal Squeeze dance combo were not looking too good.
Along with an intimate knowledge of Montezuma's Revenge, Papi also brings a poignant wisdom; ingrained during his days as a young boy growing up in the mountainous suburbs of Mexico City. The wisest of his platitudinal phrases was oft-repeated last week: "My Churro machine is's only making pancakes now."
Isn't my Papi like, so totally tubular? Well, I guess he had a few days last week that he wasn't quite totally tubular, but he's definitely back on his tubular game this week. We all are!

*I'm working on putting together a Bloggy Sox Exchange. Let me know if you're interested and I'll type up some details and post it this weekend*

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

I Need To Start Attending Soxaholics Anonymous Meetings

I'm a shameless sox addict. It's true. I just can't get enough sox to satisfy my needs.

So when the opportunity arose to participate in a Sock Market Exchange with some long time companions over at my second Internet home, Baby's Named A Bad, Bad Thing, I immediately signed up. Having sox is good but swapping hot sox with strangers is even better.

Joy F. in Boston brought me joy here right here to Houston when her super soxy package arrived on Saturday. I thought I was the ultimate Sox Goddess, but Joy could possibly edge me out and claim the title for herself. Lookie at the's a SOX THREESOME! Now I have a pair for every occasion....... Sox on the beach, elevator sox, church sox.

And while I cherish and adore all three of them and even placed them to my bosom and danced a jig around my living room with them, I must confess that I love the raw but flavorful beauty of the Sushi sock the most. They are HOT LIKE WASABI and they're a nice shade of spicy wasabi green to match the hotness.Don't hate me because I'm so soxy and you aren't.

Further Pictorial Proof Of My Sox Addiction Disorder Right HERE.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Prayers Are Needed To Make These Mean Machines Into Clean Machines!

We need divine intervention to soften the steely-cold hearts of the Kitchen-Aid appliance manufacturers and to let them know that while we despise the ideals of Communism and how it crushes religion, we still love them as a company and maker of fine cooking apparatus.

How do I know that Kitchen-Aid has gone Commie on us? Well in addition to their bright red corporate logo lettering, Sunbum and I spotted these disturbing anti-religious stickers adorning their floor sample models.


That's sad, really, because without immersion how can this stand-mixer ever feel truly clean? Sure it has a lifetime guarantee but what good is a life filled with the heartbreak of internal filth?

I can only hope that missionary stand-mixers will find the fortitude to minister unto these floundering flocks; perhaps even convincing them to shed their stickers and become cleansed through the power of immersion.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

The Immigration Debacle Has Hit Way Too Close To The Infidel Home

Apparently all roads lead to the Infidel backyard for a certain downtrodden undocumented immigrant who elected to escape their festering and blighted homeland in search of a place where they can bring their young to thrive and grow.

Many government officials believe that by simply constructing a border fence you can stem the tide of illegal immigration, but this is simply not true. The ones invading our backyard have thwarted all boundary markers and fencing by cleverly burrowing under to make it to the other side. In some instances the illegals went right through the narrow cracks in the fence in a desperate attempt to survive.

Every year, their numbers swell to greater heights, too. What started as a few rogue travelers has metastasized into an entire colony right in the back corner of the Infidel homestead.

We're a charitable family, so we do make sure to give water to our uninvited guests so that they may better withstand working all day out underneath the blazingly-hot Houston sun. But there's a price for our kindness. We silently watch and wait as their skin grows ever darker. When the time is right we bring them inside....... and then we squeeze them dry.

See, that's the price they pay for coming into our yard with Green Leaves aplenty but no discernible Green Card........

Here's a Sampling Picture Of The Latest Illegal Round-Up On The Infidel Ranch. The Prisoners Are First Detained, Then Questioned, De-Seeded, And Promptly Eaten For Their Trespassing Crimes.

This Is The Virtually Uninhabitable Land Of Their Birth That Lies Yonder From Our Property Into Neighboring Territories. Who Can Really Blame Them For Fleeing This Cluttered Pit In Search Of An Infidel Sanctuary?

Two Years Ago We Encountered A Few Strays Along The Border. They Must Have Gone Back Home And Told Their Families They Found The Promised Land In Our Backyard Because This Year They Stretch From One Fence Post To Another. Their Migratory Pattern Looks Like They're Heading Northwards. I Found A Berry Growing By The Back Door Which Confirmed My Suspicions. Neil Diamond Is Probably Somewhere Encouraging Them By Singing "Everywhere Around The World, Keep Coming To The Infidel. Got A Dream To Take Them There, Keep Coming To The Infidel....TODAY!"

And Here's One Of Our Specially Trained Border Patrol Agents. We Warned Our Agent About Coddling And Handling The Detainees Without Special Protective Gear But She Refused To Listen......

I Guess She'll Just Have To Learn The Hard Way Like I Did That These Suckers Ain't Giving Up Without A Fight!

We Also Have To Contend With This Coyote Who's Determined To Hamper Our Round-Up Efforts By Promising The Trespassers Safe Passage And Then Smuggling Them Away.....In His Mouth!
I'm concerned that I'll face serious repercussions for posting this. I even run the risk of being brought up on double agent charges, but illegal immigration has proved beneficial for us by providing low-cost and flavorful meal supplements. I hope they all return next year!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Elastic Did A Bad, Bad Thing.....

First of all, allow me to wish those of the Jewish faith a very Happy Passover season.

Okay, I scored some nice Manischewitz brand Kosher Split Pea Soup mix on a grocery store clearance rack for super cheap. Hey, I know that I'm only getting a split pea....and sure it blows to think about someone sitting around disfiguring perfectly good peas to make them go farther..... but a Whole Pea Soup Mix would probably cost more and with grocery prices on the rise, I'm happy for what I can get to meet the nutritional needs of my merry band of Infidels.

The bargain price I paid for this fine and hearty meal would definitely make any good Jew worth his weight in matzoh balls beam with unbridled happiness.

What I did next, however, would instantly crush any modicum of mirth or joy- kind of like the time everything was going splendidly during the Jewish Community Center production of Fiddler On The Roof.....that is until the guy playing the role of fiddler shook his Shekels a bit too hard and fell off, fiddle and all. "Rock-A-Bye Fiddler On The Rooftop, When The Wind Blows, The Fiddler Will Rock......"

I decided that adding a few morsels of meat to the soup mix would render it more flavorful and filling. Yes, I did something naughty and violated the purity of the Kosher-observant split peas by allowing a filthy ham steak to co-mingle with them in our soup pot.

I wonder how you say "unholy alliance" in Hebrew ? I wonder what the Yiddish translation of the phrase "for something that seems so wrong, this tastes sooooooo right" is?

In English, the words are "I never knew that peas getting porked could be so delicious."

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Cue The Patti LaBelle Music.....I Got A New Attitude!

I've been really churlish lately. It's not hard to understand why since I brought all the misery to myself with my own misplaced priorities. See, I stopped going to church with my family back in February. Yeah, I really did. I went from Smiling Infidel to Frowning Heathen even faster. I guess this was truly my winter of discontent.

My defiance began brewing when I was released from my Nursery calling in January. I've never gone without a calling in the 10 years since I converted to the Church. Never. I've felt really useless and I started justifying my Church absence because I assumed that nobody really needed me.....only they do. My family needs me there. They need me to pull my act together and behave in a manner that will bring familial blessings to our home as promised in the Scriptures. How could I have lost the way so fast?

It's just way too easy to use my job schedule as an excuse for missing Church. I've worked every single stinkin day for the past 6 years despite illness and pregnancy and car crashes, true enough, but I've allowed that weariness to ingratiate itself into my life as a hard and bitter presence.

Out with the old and in with the new.

I got the most fantastic deal on this dress at Macy's today. And thanks to my job, the one that I usually curse and despise, I saw the Macy's coupon printed on the back of the newspaper allowing me to save an additional 10 bucks. I haven't bought a new dress for church since Y2K. It was about time.

Not only do we homebirth and homeschool around here but we also play home hair salon.

I have quite an impressive hair-cutting repertoire when it comes to my boys. They get to choose between Buzz Cut, Crew Cut, Army Cut, or Yul Brynner cut. With money being tight, I opted to play the role of Elastic Scissorhands and trim up the Infidel girls hair today.

Caterpillar has grown her hair out for 2 years in the interest of donating it to Locks Of Love. Two years to grow, and only 30 seconds to snip it all off.

Impressed with the cutty prowess I showed on Caterpillar, the second oldest mini-Infidel, Monkey, volunteered to be next up on the Hair BOB Express.

Because Melody lives by the credo 'Monkey See, Monkey Do' she got a matching sister haircut.

They all stood perfectly statue-still while I worked the ancient BOB hair magic on them. Even though they were perfect angels, they didn't get a lollipop when I was done. That's okay, because they didn't leave any money on my makeshift paper plate Tip Jar, either.

I also collected enough hair off the floor to make oodles of arm pit hair wigs for all those less fortunate people suffering from Chronic Armpit Baldness Disorder!

Thursday, April 17, 2008

We Saw David Cassidy In Someone's Front Yard!

Well, to be more precise we actually spotted yard signs heralding the extracurricular activities of two local students named David and Cassidy.

I wonder if they have a dad named Ron? Perhaps both children are the resulting products of their father waggling his eyebrows suggestively at their mother while seductively crooning, "Hey, baby, why don't you Do Ron Ron Ron, Da Do Ron Ron?"

Yep, the only thing missing to make this family complete is an Irish Setter named Bonaduce. With both the canine and human counterpart, Danny Bonaduce, featuring all-over wild and woolly red fur, they're nearly impossible to tell apart.

*This post is dedicated to Nancy Face who still loves David Cassidy 4-ever!*

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Chronicles Of Appalling Parenting: Sunday Night Palm Reading

So, me and the mini-Infidels were sitting around on Sunday evening just chillaxin and reading each other's palms.
What? Doesn't every religious family break the Biblical commandment about divinification and read palms on Sunday immediately following church services?
Anyway, my daughter, Caterpillar(so named for her giant, furry eyebrows) played the part of an 8-year old soothsayer.

She carefully examined the deep crevices stretching across my palms. She answered all my questions without hesitation; deep, profound questions like:
Will I die before I'm 30?
Will I have children?
What am I going to cook for dinner tomorrow?
And then it was Caterpillar's turn.
I lovingly took her small, bronzed hand in mine and announced that the long line across the middle of her palm was the designated "Eyebrow Indicator." I showed her that a continuous line means that she's destined to have an eternal uni-brow and one day grow up to assume her role as Bride Of Uni-brow and have many uni-browed children running around.

The oldest of the mini-Infidels, Sunbum then led us gaily into song.
There's nothing quite like the soaring sound of a family singing as one harmonious a chord.
Did we gather around the piano to sing from the hymnal?
Did we use the Children's Songbook from Church for uplifting musical inspiration?
Sunbum directed us while we heartily belted out Hall & Oate's song, Maneatear.
"Ooooh, here she comes. Watch out, boy she'll chew you up!"
We often sing Maneater while walking through the aisles at Sam's Club.
Sunbum is so well-rehearsed at it that she throws in this hand-snapping motion as she sways from side-to-side and jazzily shakes her shoulders.
With those moves, Sunbum will definitely land a major role in Hall & Oates:The Musical!

Well, in my defense as a mother, Hall & Oates are always described by music critics as "blue-eyed soul."
Technically, we all engaged in singing sweet, sweet music full of soul on a lovely Sunday evening.
Yes sirree, it was quite a hootenanny until my youngest son asked to be excused.
I guess his soul was all filled-up courtesy of Hall & Oates.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Infidel Parenting Pointers: Prolonging The Life Of Your Crayons

Do you silently cringe whenever you have to blow 4-5 bucks on a giant box of name-brand Crayola crayons for your child only to see those crayons mashed into the carpet/snapped into pieces/wrapper-less/crayon tip-circumcised/used for furniture graffiti just a few scant days later?

We all know that purchasing cheaply-made generic crayons isn't the solution either because they're too wax-heavy and ineffective to create any artistic feats of wonder. Seriously, you'd be better off in your coloring ventures using the waxy Paris Hilton dummy from Madame Tussauds than inferior crayons imported from China.

So, what to do? Simple. The answer is in black and white. Only purchase coloring books for your children that feature black bears, zebras, pandas, and black panthers. (Make sure you're buying the animal kingdom's version of the black panther and not the supremacist organization. That could be problematic.) See, those species are already printed in their natural coloring. There's no need to sully any of your crayons. Genius. To continue on in the name of crayon preservation you must also steer your children away from any of those pesky, imaginative outbursts. Yes, they may gush excitedly, talking about how cute a purple, polka-dotted panda would look, but you must squash that creative uprising before they want to utilize and ultimately destroy all the colors in the box.

Happy Coloring!
*This Parenting Pointer Tip Brought To You By The Crayon Conservation Coalition*

Friday, April 11, 2008

Inspirations From Infidel Indigestion.....

Today's inspirational moment came to me via a can of honey roasted peanuts gluttonously consumed during the wee hours of the morning only to return via my digestive tract a short time later.

Everytime I belched, it tasted exactly like peanut butter.

When I tried to wash down the peanut butter-burp gagginess with a glass of grape juice, it resulted in gassy, mouth-flatulence reminiscent of the time when I was 6 and would only eat peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches which subsequently sent me into a PB&J-induced coma.

So, in order to maintain a perfect and harmonious balance between you and your esophagus, do not use grape juice to chase down the pound of peanuts you just ate......unless of course, you're one of those super lazy people who eat dry cereal and then wash it down with milk because you're too slovenly to get out a bowl and spoon. If you're one of those kinds of people, think of this post as a recipe to a yummy PB&J shortcut.

Sunday, April 06, 2008

We Spend All Our Dollars At The Cents Store!

I don't usually quote the deep profundity of words set forth by the lyrical genius that is Akon and Wyclef Jean, but their collaborative song, Sweetest Girl got me thinking. When the two belt out the main chorus "Cause I'm a tell you like you told me, cash rules everything around me, singing dollar, dollar bill, y'all" all I can do is nod my head and mutter "True dat. True dat."

While I may indeed harbor some guilt of living for the bill and whining for the bill, never once have I actually killed for the bill or grinded for the bill.......although I do frequently ask my boss, "Where my money at?" And as soon as I get me those dollar bills in my eager little paws, I load up the mini-Infidels to take a foray down to the creme de la creme of dollar stores, 99 Cents Only.

Got a special someone in your life that's really into collectibles? Well then, this stunning mini-angel dancing around a gilded pole will make the most charmingly delightful gift! Be sure to collect the whole Stripper Angel series.

(You have to zoom in to see the details. Apparently the angel is on some sort of elevated stage with the pole connected to it. But, that's okay, because it's all made out of crystal so that makes it super classy!)

My mussels are more smokin than your mussels!

The mini-Infidels and I all enjoyed some dollar store Champagne in a box. I think that Champagne would make a perfect addition to any church potluck or Alcoholics Anonymous party. Although toasting each other while using Champagne will result in a big, crumbly mess.

Jean Knee, when will I see you again? When will we share Precious Moments? Will I have to wait forever? Will I have to suffer? Will I have to wait the whole night through?

I've already got the entire Precious Moments tableware collection washed and polished and ready for your visit. Come on, you know you've always wanted to eat off the face of a doe-eyed Precious Moments character.

Yeah, I feed my family lard right from the box, but dangit, it's Premium Lard, because nothing's too good for my family.

This little sub-compact car has big dreams. It fantasizes about growing a few more inches so that he can play road hog and dominate the streets while other cars flee in terror. Until the Fairy Carmother grants his wish, though he'll just content himself by occupying FOUR parking lot spaces.

These are beach balls. They all advertise the 99 Cent Only Store on them. Whenever Sunbum gets a new ball, she immediately takes out a Sharpie marker and writes 99 Cents Only all over it.

The 99 Cents Only people have brainwashed her. Maybe my savvy little Sunbum can sue and end up running her very own 99 Cents Only Store one day and extend an employee discount to her beloved mother.

A wise woman once said: "A flock of bees can kick the livin crap out of a Flock Of Seagulls."

I thought these were adorable even though we all know that neither Bee nor Jerry Seinfeld are chock full of honey-sweetness. :)

And finally, there was construction going on outside. Despite the package's DO NOT CRUSH warning, I found myself hopelessly crushing on it. I mean, isn't that the cutest rectangular box you've ever seen? It was so totally, crush at first sight!

After I done whined for the bill and worked for the bill, I spent all my bills at the 99 Cents Only Store. Now the cycle must begin anew!

Friday, April 04, 2008

When Bad Things Happen To Good, Nice Somewhat Decent Infidels

Pardon my bloggy absence the past few days, things have gone awry in the Infidel household......horribly awry. First, our refrigerator blew out the compressor.....again. My excrcuciatingly painful toothache came back to visit......again. And worst of all, I can't get this freakin song out of my mind!!!

"Elvira, my heart's on fire, Elvira. Giddy Up Oom Poppa Omm Poppa Mow Mow. Giddy Up Oom Poppa Omm Poppa Mow Mow. Heigh-ho Silver, away!"

Elvira- The Oak Ridge Boys (2:11)

Pray for us!

Had a bad day? A bad week? A bad winter solstice? A bad ham sandwich? Vent here! Let's commiserate together, shall we?

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Finally, A Viable Third Party Emerges For American Voters!

I deliver the local community newspaper. When I picked up my bundles yesterday, I immediately noticed this headline proclaiming the emergence of a new political party. Obviously, I was overwrought with joy at such an announcement.

Judging from this snapshot taken depicting long lines of voters just waiting for the chance to make their voices heard at the polling booth, I surmise that this strange and new party must also be wildly popular amongst the constituents, too .
Personally, I loathe all 3 of the Presidential front-runners this election year. I don't know who the Democartic Party is or what they stand for, but I just may re-register as a DEMOCART and vote for them anyway.

Vote Infidel Party By Giving Me Your CLICKETY Right Here! Gracias.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008