Miss Elastic Went To Sea, Sea, Sea To See What She Could See, See, See.....In Seattle!

There's an extremely obvious reason why I nicknamed myself elasticwaistbandlady. I'm a best friend to Lee's Comfort Waist pants line and a mortal enemy to belts and belt loops everywhere.

So, I purchased my plane tickets to Seattle back in March- a full 5 months ahead of the Bloggy Beach Party event. I specifically requested the window seat because I couldn't imagine having my fatty white self squeezed like marshmallow fluff between two unlucky plane passengers. Guess what? Yes. I got to play CHUNKY MONKEY IN THE MIDDLE both there and back. Yay me. Luckily, all 4 gentleman that endured sitting cheek-to-cheek with me through a 4-hour flight were gracious and kind individuals.

Have you ever seen a Carrot sprouting black hair before? I did! Carrot Jello and her lovely new black-bobbed haircut met a huffing-and-puffing sweaty me at the Seattle airport baggage claim area. Carrot then whisked me off for a tour of the little Jet City she calls home.

Pike Place Market is the must-see Seattle tourist mecca so that's where Tour Guide Carrot shuffled me off to. We would have gone to the Space Needle but they charge admission. That would not have fit into my itty-bitty vacation budget plans at all.

Ummm, at the Pike Place Market, we saw men.....in bloody aprons......... like they just wandered off the Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie set.....and they were throwing fish to and at each other in a frenzied game of Seafood Scramble which can only be seen live on the Salmon Sports Network.

The fish slapping show was okay but I was more impressed with the tantalizing smells seeping into the seaside market air courtesy of the numerous cafes and walk-up restaurants. Carrot and I dined on big fat chicken gyros from Mr. D's Greek Delicacies. Carrot's gyro dripped all over the place with the cucumbery goodness of tzatziki sauce. I was too cheap to pay the extra $2.00. Even though I wanted to, I refrained from licking the sauce off the wax paper before she threw it away. They also served the most lip-puckering glass of fresh-squeezed lemonade known to mankind. It was sour enough that I think it curdled any future breast milk I might produce. That wasn't any fluke either. We went to another food stand where I bought and gagged my way through their own competing version of The World's Most Bitter Lemonade.

I resisted on the first trip walking past the alluring, treats-stuffed window of the Piroshky, Piroshky Russian bakery. On the second market run-through, though, I caved in to temptation and split a raisin poppyseed cinnamon roll thingie with Carrot. It was piping-hot, and fresh-from-the-oven delicious!

While meandering through the chaotic downtown Seattle streets looking for a place to park, we passed the notorious Lusty Lady Cabaret at least 5 times. I like anything with "FREE" in the title, but alas, we did not spend the afternoon at the Lusty Lady despite the promise of FREE ADMISSION posted on their sign.

The first Thursday afternoon of each month is FREE ADMISSION day at the Seattle Art Museum so we elected to spend some time there instead of that naughty Lusty Lady place. We were on a mission bent on broadening our horizons and educating our artistic palettes.

Oh look, someone placed a toilet that survived a gang graffiti war right in the middle of the Seattle Art Museum showfloor. Wait, what? You mean that's one of the displays? Right.

This commodal masterpiece dates to the year 1964. If you look closely at this work of art, you'll observe the artist's fanciful rendering of coiled up turds that have survived the last 44 years. What a wondrous glory! I used to do that with brown Play-Doh as a child. Who knew that you could get paid for your turd rolling skills?

We also oohed and ahhed at a bunch of hanging art pieces that had "Well, Duuuuuhhhh!" titles. For instance, there was a hatchet buried into the top of a window frame with spoons and stuff attached to it. Oddly enough it was called, "A Window Frame With A Hatchet At The Top And Other Objects." I gotthisclose to a real live Andy Warhol. It was the one with the gun-slinging Elvis's (Elvii?) scrolled across it.

I got to take pictures of this LDS Chapel/Stake Center in the Seattle suburbs. The spire on that thing absolutely amazed me. I marveled at how it descends all the way down, smack into the middle of the foyer area. It reminded me of those giant neon arrows that restaurants and night clubs use to attract attention to their place. I told Carrot they wouldn't need missionaries in that area anymore if they would just add some blinking lights to their super-sized spire.

As promised, Carrot took me on a Value Village tour where she utilized the assistance of a marked down wheelchair with no brakes to show me around her cut-rate stomping grounds. I tried to buy us matching fluorescent-orange fanny packs from Howard Johnson's. They were only a buck! Sadly, I realized that to accommodate my girth I would have had to buckle two of them together.

I learned an ingenious little trick at Value Village: If you should ever break one of your crystal dishes you can salvage the lid by placing a piece of cut felt underneath it. The dish may be gone but the crystal lid beauty lives on!

Value Village was selling shelf-after-shelf filled with useless felt-bottomed crystal lids.

You can always find Pooh, Winnie or otherwise, down at Ye Olde Honey Bucket Port-a-Pots.

So then Carrot and I-triumphant from our Value Village foray- were tooling through the hilly suburb streets, listening to her Neil Diamond's Greatest Hits CD when we happen to look over and fortuitously see this bumper sticker slapped on the back of an old white Buick. And then, it was ON.......I told Carrot to speed up so we could get next to the car and sing Neil Diamond as loud as if we were Neil Diamond groupies who named our kids Shiloh and Sweet Caroline just to honor him. Carrot cranked up the Carrot Van stereo and we belted out Solitary Man at the top of our lungs with the van windows down......and then we glanced over at the Neil Diamond bumper sticker car to see their reaction. It was a humiliated-looking young teenage boy with a floppy EMO hairstyle. He was desperately trying to not even shift his eyes a fraction of an inch our way.

We laughed along to the rest of the song, too drunk with our dorky, teen-repellent power to finish the lyrics.

No wonder Washingtonians all seemed so smiley and cheerful.......who wouldn't be happy when there's some Big O action around every corner??!?

*It took me two weeks to write up this Great White Infidel Goes To The Pacific Northwest vacation update. One day I might get around to showing you all our most excellent bloggy beach adventures. One day.*

And Now All My Blog Friends Know That I'm Rated X.......They Saw The Tell-Tale Size Sticker I Left Behind On My Shirt

I happily made it back home from Summer Blog Party 2008 adventures alive which is a very good thing because who else is going to take care of the mountains of laundry that greeted me at the front door?

I didn't really sleep at all the entire weekend. No, there wasn't any vampire kitties, I just wanted to soak up the sprightly essence of all 14 blogger ladies I was hanging out with. You can't do that if you're laying unconscious in a bed. I can sleep when I die.

I've just completed all the stages of Blog Party 2008......Blog Party Buildup, Blog Party Breakdown (trying to decide what to pack and what to buy for blog friends), Blog Party Boom-Shaka-Laka (while partying and shoulder-shaking with blog buds), and finally the last step, Blog Bust (when a weekend with no responsibilities comes to a close and I had to immediately trot off to work as soon as the plane landed).

When I have a spare moment I'll write the requisite Blog Party recap complete with pictures.

Here's some highlights:

1. The Pacific Ocean is nipply cold. I never got the chance to wear my bathing suit. However, one lucky bloggy lady opened the door and saw me in my birthday suit. Her vision is still intact, thankfully.

2. Thanks to Aubrey and Glittersmama I now have the sweetest smelling eyeballs of any blogger you'll ever meet.

3. Nobody bought me lunch and tolerated my endless and inane stories. I am now a believer that there really is such a thing as a free lunch contrary to what others may say. I had the salmon. :)

4. Carrie, Millie and I may be married 30-ish Mormon mommies but we still got what it takes to attract dirty old men who chatted us up about oysters while asking us to bite some seaweed while they took pictures. If you're reading this guys, I hope you aren't still spillin tears in your beer that we didn't make it for Happy Hour at the Cougar Bar. We're not cougars, after all. Nope, we be a hottie trio of MILF's!

5. Carrot Jello didn't throw me out of her van even when I was stomping the floorboard on my imaginary brake pedal. Thanks Carrot! I also got to sit at her computer where she makes all her bloggy magic come to life. *sigh*

I'll see you all later when I'm not out in 95 degree weather working. It was 50-64 degrees in Oregon. Such a contrast to go from sweat-free Blog Princess back to a perspiring and stinky Blog Toad in just a matter of a 4 hour plane trip.

What Does A Beaver, A Dumass, And A Mormon Chick All Have In Common?

Well, riddle me this and riddle me that. It just so happens that I'm the unifying factor behind the implausible list of seemingly unrelateable items!

In just 6 short hours I'm boarding a plane that will whisk me off to the wonders of The Beaver State where I'm planning to spend my weekend frolicking in the company of Carrot Jello, a Millie Chicken, and 12 other assorted bloggy chicks with strange and wonderful bloggy aliases. Three whole days of Blog Sister iniation rites including (root) beer chug-a-lugs and getting "Bloggy Sisters 4 Ever" (temporary) tattoos inked on our biceps. Shhhh, don't tell anyone, but I'm going to attempt to single-handedly revive the old sleepover party trick of placing a victim's hand in a glass of warm water while they sleep.

I'm too friggin slothful pressed for time to link all 3 of the posts I've written singing the wondrous carne asada praises of our favorite taqueria: Dumass Tacos. Mr. Dumass himself gave me one of their famed Dumass Taco T-shirts as a Christmas gift.

On the first day of Christmas Mr. Dumass gave to me.........a T-shirt with a buck-toothed donkeeeeee........

Anyway, I've been saving it to wear for a special occasion. I can think of nothing more befitting than sharing the gospel of Texas Taco love with the fine, Dumass Taco-less citizens of Oregon.

And yes I will be partaking of the Vamp/Werewolf novel (Breaking Dawn) madness that's sure to permeate all conversation this weekend. I'm going to read it on the plane.

I already correctly guessed one of the main plot twists. My Twilight-obsessed daughters reluctantly revealed that a new character in the book is named Reneesmee. That equals to the perverted equation of Rene+Esme. It's a classic Mormon name smush..........which given that the author, Stephenie Meyer, is, in fact, a Mormon, that's not too surprising.

I've had a lot of fun taking the Stephenie Meyer naming logic and applying it to my own kids. Here's the rules: You simply cull a new set of craptastical, never-before-heard-of names by combining the monikers of your closest family members.

My Tribe Of 6 Mini-Infidels Have All Been Rechristened As:

Jacaria

Macquelyn

Hectames

Leorro

Edwio

Melacio

Oooooh, they're all so UNEEK and so PURDY! I'm going to sit down and pen a novel right now using the above list as a source for all my character names.

And finally I'd like to wish a Happy Birthday to my youngest son, Boo Boo, who will be motherless today as he kisses his whirlwind year of being 6, goodbye. Boo Boo is the grand prize winner of the Maternal Guilt Sweepstakes. I never splurge and order character cakes from the store because I'm ridiculously cheap. Why pay 20 bucks for a 1/4 sheet cake when you can make your own for a couple dollars? Anyway, I felt bad about not being here to celebrate his birthday. I hope the joy of a Kung Fu Panda cake will balance out the pain from my absence. Actually Boo Boo will likely always remember the next few days without me as a hap-hap-happy "NAG-FREE JUBILEE!"

*Boo Boo was an unexpected surprise baby but his nickname does not pertain to any birth control mishaps, just in case you're wondering*

Take good care of my blog while I'm gone, aight? Don't forget to feed and water it (NOT after midnight!).....oh, and my blog likes to be rubbed on its belly sometimes. You'll make this blog whine through the night if you don't leave it at least 100 comments. It'll also crap on your new carpet. I trust you'll do the right thing.

Sweet Dreams Are NOT Made Of These! (Who Are You To Disagree?)

One week has already trickled past since my triumphant return from the great Colorado Bloggy Sistah Expedition of 2007. I didn't mention it before-hand while writing up all the details of our weekend hootenanny, but I experienced a strangely vivid dream about traveling to Colorado an entire week before Annie and Carrie called to invite me. Yes, I really did. I woke up snickering and thinking, "That's crazy. I never go anywhere, let alone dropping all my responsibilities to jet off to a state I've never been to, to meet women I've never met before." Eerily enough, true to the consistently pre-cognitive nature of my night time visions, things materialized in real life as they had unfolded in the dream.

Stephenie Meyer, author of the phenomenal Twilight Trilogy, wrote the first book based solely on a dream she had. Encouraged, I thought, "If only I could just concentrate and remember the stuff in my dreams with more detail, then maybe I can sell a lot of books and make a lot of money too."
It's disturbing, but I can't seem to stop dreaming about all my new blog friends turned real life friends. It's starting to creep me out. For instance, last night I dreamed of the whole lot of us taking a hay ride, pulled by a tractor, through a small town. It stopped at a little shopping mall and we all piled out to go inside. I noticed the three screen movie theater immediately and noted that the marquee showed movies entitled 'Infidel 1,' Infidel 2', and 'Infidel 3.' I excitedly remarked to NCS that I didn't know there was an Infidel movie series. Then Annie, NCS, and I wandered into a shop that specialized in Mexican candies and treats, and one whole wall exhibited an astonishingly colossal assortment of cotton candy flavors. We walked over and saw they had Golden Turkey Cotton Candy, which was sold out, and Carrot Cotton Candy. I'm assuming that the Carrot Cotton Candy tasted like a vegetable and not, in fact, like Carrot Jello. Earlier in the week, I dreamt of Carrie and the gang all gathered together at the hotel when a suspicious looking fellow with a large metal hook for a hand checked in. Later that night, I nervously asked Carrie if that was such a good idea to let him stay there and she erupted with a mischievous chuckle as she told me that she switched his hook hand for a harmless plastic hanger. Relieved, I went to sleep, only to wake up to blood-curdling screams as the man desperately tried to make Carrie part of his hook-handed urban legend, but was instead slashing the air with his new plastic hanger appendage in futile frustration.

It scared the crap out of me. My kids broke out laughing when I told them about it. My kids are weird.So there you have it. What say you? Do you think I can transform stomach-churning Cotton Candy flavors and tales of plastic hanger-handed serial killers into a best-selling literary series? Can I count on your support?

The Smiling Infidel Gets Rocky Mountain High!

I finally have a few minutes to put together pictures from the grand Colorado Bloggy soiree this past weekend. Nobody likes to read a lot of blah blah, so I'll just let the pictures do the talking.

This is me and Aubrey giving up some Cheese! at the Cheesecake Factory. Yeah, I know, Aubrey's flawless and thin, and didn't spill a drop of food on her gorgeous white tunic shirt either. Could I have positioned myself beside a bigger contrast? Likely not. We met Amber That Crazy Bloggin Canuck and Aubrey for lunch right after our Denver arrival. We engaged in noshing and loads of light-minded laughter.

Annie deftly and swiftly maneuvered our mini-van chariot through treacherous mountain tunnels and roads.......make that roads that descended straight down into the canyon abyss without concrete barriers. Was I nervous? Naaaahhh. We stayed at the fabulously elegant Glenwood Suites courtesy of Carrie(Carronin) and her man, El Jefe. We also Came & Went from the Kum & Go next door and didn't make any crude jokes about it. At all.

Here's a segment of random titillation (I said Tit!) for the men out there who fantasize about having a bevy of beautiful bloggers sprawled out across their bed. Not only did we party with Jim Gaffigan, but we partied in our THONGS! Oh yes, we did. And then I picked up Jim and took him home with me. Luckily, Papi doesn't seem to mind sharing our happy home with a white man.

Carrot and I shared a king-sized bed together without anyone else clamoring for our nocturnal company. Why? Well, because we're the only two that ate chili cheese dogs and I suspect that nobody wanted to spend the night with a coney addict. That's okay. We had each other, and our very own Restricted Access Chili Dog Chick Room.

Suzanne and Tori surprised us all by secretly bringing our Millie Chicken to town! Sneaky Utah people..... Yay! Here we are surrounding Mike The Headless Chicken like his very own Harem Of Hens. Millie and Tori do a hot and spicy battle in an epic War Of The Asses. Tori? The Smart Ass? Who would have ever thought?

We all got in touch with our inner shadow people and had lunch at Annie's house complete with onion rings courtesy of the fabulous Rug's Bug. Annie and Carrie's dad, Big Rich, made my day by telling me he's a huge fan of The Smiling Infidel. Then, their mom said that 'I brought much joy to their lives.' I want that stitched onto a sampler. I got to share my 'Newspaper Carrier Greatest Hits' with Rug's Bug and her husband because I knew that we all understand completely the life and times of a paper slinger, both past and present. I loved getting to meet all the kids and spouses. Loved it! Annie's Secret Agent Man is funny and hawt. No wonder she doesn't reveal his identity on her blog. I also got to see Annie's computer room where all the magic happens.

Yeah, I went up, up, and away in one of those cable gondola thingies, all the while nervously calculating how much we all weighed against the 1,000 pound weight limit. We were a movin on up.......movin on up......to the top! While eating at the mountain top restaurant, Carrie and I solidified our titles as Queens Of Inappropriate Dinner Conversation. Yay us! Think Sex And The City:The Mormon Lite Version. If you ever want to know about the risque hidden meanings to popular songs, just ask Sodak Angel, Carrie, or myself. We know everything.

And then we embarked on a cave tour where all the formations had food names like 'Cave Bacon,' and 'Drinking Straws.' Sodak Angel and I saw things quite differently, though. Fun With Phonics? No, not us. Fun With Phallics? You got it! Carrot was the star of the tour, overshadowing our sweet Natalie Portman look-alike guide with her humour and picking up new people around us to add to our entourage. I have pictures but they haven't been modified to protect the innocent yet.

That vixenish Annie was the only one to manage getting a big screw the whole weekend.

Here's a closeup of my now notorious Pink FIFI bag. We had a big gift exchange too. Well, instead of parting gifts, I got farting gifts. Sodak Angel and Carrot Jello know me all too well!

Have you ever spent an entire weekend surrounded by people who lavish compliments and undeserved praise on you while simultaneously making you snort with laughter? I just did. My girls asked me about my trip and I've started referring to it as the 'ME TOO!' experience because I had so much in common with so many of these ladies, every conversation turned into me saying 'ME TOO!' The best part though, was coming home to my six kids who actually missed me....and showed how much they missed me by the mountainous clothes pile stacked and waiting for me in the laundry room. Papi missed me so much, he endured over an hour of hearing every minute detail of the weekend.

Thank you so much Annie and Carrie for providing us with a place to meet and frolic and wet our pants from laughing so hard. Okay, maybe only one of us wet our pants from laughing so hard. I always bring extra undies in case of unforeseen events. I love all of you people in ways that I never imagined I could before. Thanks for the memories. In Carrot's case......FRANKS for the memories!