Sunday, September 30, 2007

Infidel Love Fest 2007

I write The Smiling Infidel to keep my brain muscles from further atrophying after years of hard core Barney watching and ingesting straight-up, pure grade Pixie Stix granules. It's also a clearinghouse for all the strange ideas shelved on the cheap, particle board bookcases lining the annals of my mind- Ideas just sitting there gathering dust and plotting their escape. When The Smiling Infidel was birthed nearly two years ago, they could finally stretch and see the light of day. Most people who stumbled across the newly unleashed ideas, went all slack-jawed and horrified at the sight of such irreverent and naughty little things, and they ran away as fast as their legs could carry them. But others saw the ideas, and it made them smile. They chose to reach out their hands and lovingly stroke the ideas which feed directly into the Infidel ego.

I'll admit it, I like the recognition and awards I've received lately. I want to line em' all up, throw em' on the bed, and roll around on em' Indecent Proposal style-Yes, that's just how much I love these awards. But more than anything, I love you guys for continuing to bolster my spirits and keep me from giving in to frequent thoughts of blog termination with your great comments. I'd like to finally shed my ungrateful heathen outer layer by showing a little appreciation and thankfulness.
I wrote about Chutzpah:The World's First Jewish Rap Supergroup last year. They must have liked what I had to say. They liked it so much they took a snapshot of the post HERE, and put it on their press page above such names as Gary Oldman and Debbie Harry. Oy Vey!
They also made this little linkie and slapped it alongside their reviews from Billboard, Yahoo Music, and MTV. Thanks Chutzpah. I lift my gentile spoon of matzoh ball soup towards you in Kosher Tribute!
BURG nominated me for this. And Wynne seconded her motion. Thanks ladies.

Jams O'Donnell forwarded the love he received on his blog to me. This is the only kind of love I'll accept from another man. I'm a good girl. Thanks Jams. Suzanne and Nancy bestoweth the honoreth of making them smileth uponeth me. I already have the Barry Manilow, 'Can't Smile Without You' award......I think these two will make a handsome pair in my trophy case. Thanks Suzanne and Nancy.
Lisa thinks that Nice Matters. She's right, of course--Nice, France is a very exciting tourist destination located along the French shoreline. Thanks Lisa.

Radioactive Jam wanted to call me a floozy, but did the gentlemanly thing and gave me a 'Schmoozy' award instead. Thanks RAJ.The most surprising news of the week came when the noted LDS magazine, Segullah picked up The Smiling Infidel blog feed along with some of my other favorite bloggy friends. I'm beyond thrilled and thinking the reason behind such a move may be to show that not all LDS women are Work And The Glory-quoting, Tater Tot Casserole-toting scrapbookers- Not that there's anything wrong with that. Some of us are a little bit 'quirkier' than the status quo, but we love our religion just as much. Thanks Segullah.

Look at me giving all this thanks a full two months before Thanksgiving. Practice makes perfect.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

The Smiling Infidel Word Of The Day-Learning Words The Infidel Way!

ELASTICITY las·tic·i·ty- The State Or Quality Of Being Elastic.
Wouldn't you all like to possess the state or quality of being elastic? Well, too bad, because like Highlander, 'In The End There Can Be Only One' and, I am that elastic.

A state of elastic? Pshaw! Why would I set my sights on such mediocrity? If all goes according to my stretchy and diabolical plans.......Today--Elastic City. Tomorrow--Elastic Planet! Sho nuff. As an important leader, I won't lie to you- Elastic City is not the promised land of milk and honey. We instead have nacho cheese flowing through our streets alongside bubbling fountains cascading with carbonated Mountain Dew goodness.

Planning a vacation to Funky Town? That place is just played-out, y'all. And I don't really care how many times your lady pleadingly begs you, "Won't you take me to Funky Town?" No, what you need to do is pack yourself a giant bag of tortilla chips and come visit Elastic City!

*Special Thanks Goes To No Cool Story The Official Artistic Muse Of Elastic City Who Designed This Funny Trinity-esque Picture*

Monday, September 24, 2007

Double Dave- A Man And His Secret Alter Ego Revealed

What does famed soccer star and paparazzi whore media darling, David Beckham do on his days off?
Well, Mr. Metrosexual covertly ducks into a phone booth to tear off his soccer uniform- revealing the monochromatic violet shirt and tie combo underneath. Then he kisses Skeletal Posh Spice goodbye, and jets off to steamy Houston, Texas where his secret lair awaits......the corner office at a State Farm Insurance Agency.
When acting as a Secret Insurance Agent Man, that old chap, David Beckham drops the formality of his first name to fit in with the regular schmoes. Think about it- most people in sales go by Bob, Ray, Tim, Tony, Bill, Sue, Tom, and Chris instead of Robert, Raymond, Anthony, Timothy, William, Susanna, Thomas, and Christopher/Christine. It's just more casual that way, not to mention the money saved printing out business cards that charge by the letter. To complete his disguise, Dave Beckham even joined a bowling league and dines on the featured lunch special at TGI Friday's with his co-workers.

I guess his life getting paid to kick balls and play BFF to a crazy herd of Scientologists just wasn't all that fulfilling for him. Rumor has it that he's at the top of his game. Well, not the soccer game-he's been very injury-prone and lackluster in that field. But the man shines when he's in his element; selling insurance. I hear that he's the guest of honor at the Southwest Regional Insurance Agent Banquet at the Holiday Inn this year. Way to go Dave! You'll make red jacket status within the year at this rate.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

When An Infidel Loves A Jean Knee.......

My favoritest stalker, jean knee, is a little obsessed with Halloween. The HORROR! Halloween is really one of those gateway holidays. I'm profoundly concerned that jean knee might one day wake up in a leprechaun outfit after a wild night out with The Easter Bunny brawling with Santa's Candy Cane groupies. Anyway, to her I dedicate this song.......

Ministry-Halloween Is Every Day

I've often wished that Halloween was every day, too. But only if certain people I know would dress up as famed mime, Marcel Marceau, and shut their gapingly wide pieholes for awhile.

R.I.P Marcel----Somewhere in the heavens, the late Rosemary Clooney started crooning, 'Send In The Clowns,' and this was the response.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

I'm Trying To Keep This Post Clean

How can such a massive glut of similar businesses survive in an overly saturated market? Why, by offering a niche service, that's how. You can't toss a soiled garment around Houston without hitting some sort of dry cleaning establishment. So it's interesting to note the following places and the specialty menu they're focusing on in order to cinch up market share and a tidy sum in the process. Emphasis on tidy....don't nobody want dirty money in this line of work.

The Board Of Directors at Pilgrim Cleaners strive to achieve a puritanical world free of the scourge of dirty Pilgrims. They offer first-rate services to all dirty Pilgrims, and even hired congenial John Wayne lookalikes for their flagship locations to give a big, warm "Howdy Pilgrim!" welcome. From giving a pure-as-the-driven-snow collar the stiffy treatment down to keeping your scarlet letter bright and shiny, Pilgrim Cleaners is there for you!

*Not responsible for any Pilgrim buckle damage that may occur*

Want to make your water fowl a little less, well.......... foul? Bring them on in to Swan's Cleaners. This place and their super bubbly swan-scrubbing action means Tunnel Of Love operators can run their romantic attraction without the fear of stanky swan pollution spoiling up the ambiance. They're also the secret weapon behind Swan Lake which used to be called Mucky Duck Lake.

*After just finishing Eclipse, I want to run Bella Swan through a wash and rinse at Swan's Cleaners. Bella gets done passionately making out with her vampire and then feels up a werewolf not even one hour later? Dirty Girly!*

And finally, we don't have to hold our breaths and maintain a 'wait-and-see' period after elections anymore. Will your selected candidate do as they promise and 'clean house?' I wouldn't bet on it. Luckily, we have an easy solution all wrapped up in a one-stop shop. At Country Cleaners, you can sanitize the land that you love while wringing out the asshats and hanging them up to dry at the same time. They also do shoe repairs and alterations while you wait for your country to get cleansed.

I often over hear people lament about getting 'taken to the cleaners.' Huh. I guess I'll just have to wait for an Infidel Cleaners to open up in this area so I can experience it firsthand.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

The Sandwiching Witching Hour Draws Nigh!

We took an official Infidel Field Trip yesterday out to the gargantuan warehouse that holds the Halloween Express store. They had more bloody dismembered body parts scattered about than you could shake a bloody dismembered body part at. So, as we wound our way around the children's costumes, we saw a gaggle of wide-eyed little girls excitedly ooohing and aaahing over the sparkly fairy outfits and begging their parents to buy them Pretty Princess costumes with glittery tiaras to match. My fat Melody was not one of them. She instead rushed over to one side of the aisle and pointed out a bag that caught her interest while declaring, "Mommy, me wanna be this for Halloween." Did she want to dress up as the fiery Little Mermaid, or spunky Tinkerbell? No, my Melody wants to be the black-robed, and malevolent Emperor Of Evil. Isn't that sweet? It's nice to know that at least one of my girls will buck the Disney cuteness juggernaut. The money I save on Hannah Montana merchandise alone will keep me in name brand cheese until my retirement years.

And then we spotted the rack from High School Musical- more specifically 'Gabrielle's rack.' Oh well, I guess by this time, most of the world has already seen Gabrielle's rack! My older daughters know the deal and started laughing as I remarked that the costume bag was empty except for a really big smile.
This particularly nasty costume almost made me barf. When you push a button, real diarrhea liquid squirts out the rear. This costume did in fact hold the honor of winning my personal award for 'Reasons Why Mankind Deserves To Be Destroyed.'

We only celebrate Halloween by buying half-priced candies the next day. But what about you guys? Anyone have a super special or super funny costume past or present that they'd like to share with the class?

*I painted the poodle shirt that Melody's wearing. It has real bows and a pearl necklace on it. It's one of my most favorite things that I've crafted.*

Monday, September 17, 2007

Just One Dried-Up, Wrinkly, Old Infidel Trying To Recapture Her Youth

I'm no spring chicken. In fact, with each year that passes, I'm transforming into a tough old bird,with wiry chin hairs in place of feathers. And yet, some of my recent behavior would suggest a regression back into some sort of second childhood.

Observe: This is what I'm listening to right now.

Super Mal Featuring Luciana-Bigger Than Big

I bought these flamingo beauties half-price at the mall on Friday. What??? Infidels cannot survive with flip-flops alone. Winter is coming, after all.

I cooked a nice Sunday dinner yesterday, but found myself too engrossed in a certain book about vampires and werewolves to sit down at the table. So I devoured a bag of these instead. Yeah, handling roast beef with all the fixins would have proved difficult to do while reading.
I'm so very close to plastering big, glossy posters of this Edward Cullen wannabe all over my bedroom walls. I wonder what Papi would say? Reliving childhood has some definite drawbacks. I feel a massive zit outbreak coming on, and I can't seem to stop saying, like, all the time. Like, you know what I mean? Like, whatever!

Friday, September 14, 2007

Even The Neighborhood Watch People Avert Their Eyes And Blush From Embarrassment.....

Ever wonder where speed bumps come from? Wonder no more!
Oh, those randy little roads and all their naughty humping and bumping activities. Their indiscretions make the daily commute for the average motorist a bit more jarring.

Well, as me and Infidel Daughter The Second traveled through this neighborhood, we couldn't help giggling and pointing at all the road hump warnings. It's very important that people shield their kids from seeing the pavement in a possible compromising position-I completely understand that, but this was sign overkill. Every corner? Is that really necessary? Are we supposed to marvel at the road's boast of humping at 20 mph? That just seems ostentatiously braggy to me.

Naturally, when talking about things that you do naturally, it led to us singing an improvised version of The Black Eyed Peas 'My Humps.'
My Humps, My Humps
My Lovely Concrete Humps.....Check It Out.

At long last, I finally understood the deeper meaning of the 'My Humps' lyrics as each speed bump jostled me and shook around all that junk--all that junk inside my trunk.

*Infidel Daughter The Second Knows What The Word Hump Basically Means Thanks To Our Perpetually Excited Chocolate Labrador, Reagan.*

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Phooey On Huey!

I have a totally annoying stalker.......and Huey Lewis be thy name.
Huey's not very discreet as he goes about his stalkerish ways either--usually dragging along his entire band, The News, with him whenever he follows me around. The man knows no boundaries. He's followed me into the grocery store, my truck, even the sanctity of my own bathroom! As my daughter and I stood in line to pay for our purchases at Party City, Huey Lewis invaded my personal space yet again, crooning gently about 'The Power Of Love.' My daughter sighed as she remarked, "Eventually it always comes back to Huey Lewis, doesn't it?" And I'm like, "Yeah, there's just no escaping him."

I went to file a restraining order, but had to leave immediately as Huey tried to sway me otherwise by earnestly singing 'Happy To Be Stuck With You' over the courthouse speakers. He refuses to leave me alone. I don't encourage this behaviour, at all. In fact, I've gone to great lengths to turn him off and give him the slip, but somehow he always finds me again. That nice Hootie and his Blow Fish got the hint and quit following me some time ago. But there's just no shaking the tenacious Huey Lewis. Honestly, I wish that man would find himself 'A New Drug' and get a life. Besides, I already have a dedicated stalker named, jean knee, and she has never once frightened the Twinkies out of me by playing the harmonica like Huey has.

Huey Lewis should offer a special Stalker Guarantee Policy. "If you're not completely sick and tired of Huey Lewis and The News in 10 days or less, we will offer a full refund or sign you up for the stalking services of John Mayer, who will show up everywhere you go singing his horrible and depressing, mealy-mouthed song, 'Daughters.'" I've seen the Dark Side, my friends, and they pipe in Huey Lewis music there, too.

Anyone else notice this? Maybe it's just an anomaly rooted in Houston? If so, count your blessings that Huey isn't hot on your trail.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

I Wonder If You Can Buy Life Insurance Policies At The Dollar Store Too?

In a fit of forced frugality this week, I went shopping at our local 99 Cents Only Store to lasso up some provisions to satisfy the voracious appetites of my lovely little Infidel Family.

Now, I don't mind denying us fancy designer labels when it comes to clothes. Banana Republic? No, not for us. We shop at their discount retailer, Red-Banded Bananas Republic ( Proudly Selling Fruit Fly Free Merch. since 2007!) But, I'm kind of a brand name snob when it involves our food. So then to what did my money-saving eyes should appear, but boxes of artificial butter with a product name to fear.
TASTES LIKE BUTTER! Ooooh, it tastes like butter, but what the crap is it, really?

A moment of grandiose epiphany tugged at my brain, startling me. And then I realized that I could embark on a new career coming up with label names for dollar store grocery items. The Dollar Store industry does represent an astronomical rate of growth. In certain markets, they hold a larger share of the grocery sales pie than even traditional chain stores like Kroger's. Tell me what you think of these tasty little treats and your likelihood of picking it up just based on the sweet box design and intriguing product name.
USED TO BE A COW! Frozen Hamburger Patties
POUR SOME SUGAR ON ME! Porn Star Endorsed Sugar

You shouldn't try any of these items without first purchasing the Dollar Store brand of upset stomach medicine.....DIARRHEA BE GONE!

Sunday, September 09, 2007

The Smiling Infidel Word Of the Day

Okay, class. Our super special word for today is:
Toiletries: A sacred, self-fertilizing tree that grows bountiful toilet harvests every year. Money doesn't grow on trees--but toilets sure do!

Word History: American folklore tells of an instrumental figure that aided in the spread of Toilet Trees by roaming the countryside and taking dumps in a most uncivilized manner. The trees soon sprang up from his stomping dumping grounds. That man was none other than Johnny Crapperseed, which is why we call toilets 'Johns' in honor of him.

*Special Thanks To NCS For Her Abundance Of Photoshop Cleverness. I Love The Way The Toilets Are Hung With Gaily Colored Ribbons Like Christmas Ornaments. I May Want To Do My Christmas Tree With A Toilet Theme This Year Thanks To Inspiration From NCS! Gracias.*

Thursday, September 06, 2007

The Three Saddlebag Cinch-Keteers.........Coming To A City Near you!

Here's a picture of Carrot and me playing a nice game of Monkey Millie In The Middle!
I'll never forget a particularly depressing time during my teen years that my mom and I had no place to go for Thanksgiving dinner. Feeling sorry for ourselves, we split an entire pumpkin pie topped with an entire tub of Cool Whip, as we pitifully flopped down in the living room to watch TV. We didn't have the luxury of cable, and the only programming available on Thanksgiving aside from a glut of cheesy infomercials was Good Morning Houston-a show we mocked often. So, we resignedly tuned into Good Morning Houston while devouring our pie as they ran an irritating exercise segment featuring their 50 year old perennially perky co-host who, despite her age, insisted on wearing one of those leotards that ride up the rear and look like dental floss stringing through your heiny. Little Miss Old Solid Gold led her neon Spandex Squadron in an exercise called 'The Saddlebag Cinch,' as she demonstrated how you loosen-tighten-and loosen again your butt cheeks to firm them up. Then she chirpily declared "You can do 'The Saddlebag Cinch' anywhere. While waiting in line at the grocery store, while driving around in your car, you can even do it while on TV. Look at me.......I'm doing it right now!"

That was too much. My mom and I spit pumpkin pie everywhere as we exploded in laughter. Every since then, I'll occasionally blurt out to my mom......."'The Saddlebag Cinch?' I'm doing it RIGHT NOW!"

While squished together like Siamese triplets with
Millie and Carrot in the backseat of Tori's car, I casually mentioned to Millie, "Hey Millie! I'm doing 'The Saddlebag Cinch.'" I never expected her to even know what I was talking about until she started giggling and said, "'The Saddlebag Cinch?' I'm doing it right now TOO!!!!" You know what? She really was! I felt her muscles tighten up and that sent us all into an uncontrollable bout of snorting from laughing so hard. It was like that Chris DeBurgh song, "Lady In Pink, is saddlebag cinching with me........ Cheek-To-Cheek!"

Now you know. Not only did I bond with my bloggy friends- I also did 'The Saddlebag Cinch' with them. 'The Saddlebag Cinch,' you say? Why, I'm doing it right now!!!!

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Joey Ramone Once Said "Sheena Is A Punk Rocker!"

Know what today is? Well do you? It's the World's First Ever Sheena Easton Tribute Day! Yay! We're going to celebrate all that is the magical wonderment of this Scottish 80's superstar turned present day Scooby Doo voice-over actress. Remember, this is 'For Your Eyes Only,' you lucky, lucky Smiling Infidel readers.

Come, 'Strut' right over here and let's talk about 'The Lover In Me,' because 'We've Got Tonight....... Who Needs Tomorrow?' I ate a deli sandwich for breakfast- So, if you want, we could talk about 'The Liver In Me,' instead. Has anyone ever told you that, 'U Got The Look, You Must Have Took A Whole Hour Just To Make Up Your Face?' Oooh la la, that extra layer of Chapstick and the smell of your hemorrhoid cream is HAWT! Perhaps, we should just chat on the 'Telefone,' since 'My Baby Takes The Morning Train,' and he could come strolling in at any minute. No, you perv- My baby does jump on the morning train, but Thomas The Tank Engine ain't got nothing to do with it. Would you care for a snack? How about a taste of my 'Sugar Walls?' Yeah, in my spare time I build model doughnut shop replicas out of nothing but sugar cubes. It's a gift. My other hobbies include competitive eating and champion leapfrogging. Sadly, the two sports vastly contradict each other. When I play leapfrog with my baby, he always loses and decries, "I was 'Almost Over You!'" Almost, but not quite. Poor thing.

Wait.....where are you going? To the Anne Murray Tribute down at the next blog? Traitor. 'You Could Have Been With Me' and Sheena Easton. At least I can count on Prince and Kenny Rogers sticking around for my Sheena Easton Tribute. Their royalty checks depend on it.......

Sunday, September 02, 2007

Just Your Typical, Everyday, Ordinary, Run-Of-The-Mill Garden Variety Needles...

Occasionally I do enjoy a good poke......just not from needles. I'm ashamed to admit that I've engaged in conduct most unbecoming for a self-proclaimed ardent conservative. You see, my neighbor and I have established an impromptu Needle Exchange Program right in the heart of our blissfully serene H-town suburb.

People outside our fair city can't begin to fathom the extent of our needle problems here. We constantly find unsightly piles of the filthy things all over our yards, driveways, and curbs. They're sharp little suckers too-thus preventing us from walking around outside barefoot. Gradually, I began to notice my neighbor slyly moving the dirty needles off his lawn and onto mine. Well, I'd return the favor with a blow job from our leaf blower. Heavens no, did you really expect me to touch needles with my delicate Infidel hands? And so, the silent, ritualistic Dance Of The Needle Exchange has continued over the past few years, ebbing and flowing with the bounty of discarded..........

PINE needles from our yards. Crap. Cleaning up the endless stacks of fallen pine needles is such a gigantic pain in the patootie. It's like a freakin Pine-Needle-Palooza around here! I always love it when my inconsiderate neighbor negligently forces me to scoop up all his tree debris too. I'm a very mature adult role model to my children for saying, "Oh yeah? Oh yeah??!!!!? Well, TWO can play that game, buddy!" while chucking his crusty pine needles back at him along with a few of my own. Instead of pining away about the situation, maybe I should just ruthlessly needle him about his errant behavior?