Showing posts with label Infidel Conspiracy Theory Day. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Infidel Conspiracy Theory Day. Show all posts

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Weird Dream Wednesday

Bad puns are a predatory and invasive species.
I never wanted to tell you of my many afflictions but it's time you all knew the soul-crushing truth......I suffer from TERMINAL SEVERE ACUTE INCURABLE BPS.
Oh, the torturous heartbreak that is BPS: Bad Pun Syndrome.
My BPS symptoms started flaring up again last night, cleverly waiting until I was floating in a dream state with my BPS defense system down.
Blame it on too many doses of Muskrat Love but I endured an entire dream sequence that revolved around not the cheesy 70's superstar duo, Captain and Tennille, but instead their pillowy soft bedspread material counterpart.......The Captain and CHENILLE.
It was horrifyingly real and very upsetting especially since I'm ardently anti-chenille.
I think the chenille manufacturers strategically place conspiratorial musings against the rest of us on their bedspreads using the little puckered dots that's synonymous with chenille.
It reads like Braille so that only blind people can run their hands along the dots and decipher the true secret of the chenille bedspread.
The True Secret of the Chenille Bedspread....sounds like a Nancy Drew novel, doesn't it?
However, because of my sheer determination not to succumb to the ill effects of my BPS disease, I survived the night of BPS mind games.
I must be strong and the next time The Captain and Chenille rears its ugly head I can tell it (Don't) Do That To Me One More Time because not even Love Will Keep Us Together!

Monday, February 09, 2009

What You See Is What You Get, Right?!!??


In my English class we're expected to dissect, describe, diagram, and discuss the various essay selections within our textbook.
So, we've focused in on this one excerpt culled from a novel discussing the tragedy of illiteracy in America. It's written by the foaming-at-the-mouth education reform radical, Jonathan Kozol.
My Professor clicked his tongue at me for calling Jonathan Kozol "dangerous," but I careth not. I don't mince words. I call em' like I see em'.
Mr. Kozol initially endeavored to write books with the interest of persuading teachers to adopt an educational model based on those being used in such lovely bastions of human rights as Communist China and Cuba. He even added text instructing teachers to hide their leftist point of view while they indoctrinate the children into opting out of saying The Pledge of Allegiance. Kozol has toned down his anti-America rhetoric a bit since that first novel in 1980. Consequently, he's risen to prominence among the academic Illuminati who celebrate him and make sure his novels are de rigeur reading for our future educators.
Not to mention the eerie fact that Kozol looks like he was cloned from the wild-haired DNA of accused celebrity murderer, Phil Spector.
Like I said, dangerous.
If you desire to read his 2 page essay that's completely devoid of the actual factual, it's right here:
You'll really love his pointed jabs at what an execrable society we are based wholly on hyperbole-laced fairy tales emanating from a giant talking butt somewhere in the land of magical conjecture.
Is illiteracy a huge problem in the United States? Yes. Are some schools failing our kids? Yes. However, Kozol loves to pontificate without offering any solutions, nor does he bother to dig underneath the epidermal layer to see what's festering below.

Here's Some Of The Highlights From The Response Essay I Wrote:

(Kozol tells the woeful tale of a destitute woman on welfare who bought a gallon of Crisco because she thought it contained a magical plate of golden fried chicken like the picture on the front showed. It didn't. She had no more money. Her family starved to death. It is your fault, you uppity Americans, for failing her.)
1. I too have been deceived by the rampant chicanery these marketers foist upon us lowly, uneducated consumers. My sister-in-law desperately wants to get married. I thought my prayers were answered when I saw the ruggedly handsome man beaming out from beneath the plastic wrap on a package of Brawny paper towels. Wow, a sweet 2-for-1 deal! I can score a husband for my sister-in-law while still getting the benefit of super absorbency to clean up whatever B.S. may spill out of my English book. Imagine my crestfallen face, creased with the agony of disappointment, as I got home and eagerly tore open the package only to discover that there was no knight in shining flannel there to rescue my sister-in-law. I was so sad. I'm going back to the store next week. I think that studly, lemon-scented Mr. Clean guy may be more her type anyway.

2. This essay is a mesmerizing piece of fiction--especially if you're a fan of Charles Dickens. Kozol writes with the intention of reducing people born without a sense of discernment into a sniveling, salty puddle of tears. He wants you to wail and weep and wave your garments around like you've just landed a spot in the supporting cast of a really cheesy straight-to-video Bollywood production.

(I'm not heartless. I do have compassion for the plight of the less fortunate. But I'm not looking to bank on it and build a career out of the trials and tribulations of others like Kozol has done. Neither do I think it right nor productive to perpetuate a victimhood mentality. After articulating the many extenuating circumstances that do indeed trap illiterate people, I had to point out one last thing......basic human nature that applies to ALL of us.)
3. The sad truth is that you could erect a magnificent fountain of knowledge right there inside the living room of an illiterate person. You could even hand them a silver-plated chalice engraved with their name, but you can’t physically FORCE someone to have the desire, drive, and motivation necessary to dip that cup into the font and partake of it. That is called free agency. In this country, we are the masters of our own destiny.

4. Jonathan Kozol actually states: "If even one third of all illiterates could vote, and read enough and do sufficient math to vote in their self interest, Ronald Reagan would not likely have been chosen president."
Really, Jonathan? May I call you Jonathan? So, you're basically equating the principles and ideology of the Democratic Party with a horde of illiterate would-be voters too stupid to know what's good for them? That's certainly an interesting indictment of your own views. May I quote you on that? Ooops, I already did!

Further research on Mr. Kozol reveals that he's adamantly anti-choice when it comes to education despite big city mayors like Baltimore's Kurt Schmoke singing the praises of single-gender schools and the school voucher program.
Beware the man who seeks to strip you of dominion over your own life.
Kozol wants your kid to be stuck in their crappy school without any options of escape. He wants you to sit around and cry and blame all your troubles on the public school system. If you succeed, he fails. When you realize that you have the power to overcome all obstacles, he and the other misery profiteers will be out of a job.
There's a valid reason that Jonathan Kozol is #9 in the scathing tome "The 100 People That Are Screwing Up America" penned by the self-described liberal writer Barry Goldberg.
Like I said, dangerous.


*I ain't skeered of comments. I'm just too busy to pay much attention to my blog and whatever comments, good or bad, this post will trigger.*

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Dan Patrick Wants To Be Your FOREVER Senator!

Most politicians only jabber on about Hope And Change For The Future. But one Texas Senator is truly turning his thoughts towards the future--the very, very, very, very, very, very distant future, that is.

We received the above survey and newsletter from Senator Dan Patrick's office last week. Apparently he expects to live out another 517 years or so while serving in the Senate because he's prognosticating exorbitant property taxes for the year 2525 while discussing what he plans to do about it.
He's like our very own Property Tax Specialist Nostradamus.
That's very comforting to know that us mortal citizens can rely on a political man in command to reduce our wallet-draining Texas property taxes........and it'll only take 517 years for Senator Patrick's big action plan to come to fruition!
Okay, if Texas Senators serve terms spaced out in two-year increments, then Senator Patrick only has to win approximately 258 more elections.
Whoa. I hope his campaign invests in some quality heavy-duty campaign gear and signage because it needs to last a really looooong time.
By the time 2525 rolls around, Senator Patrick will likely be nothing more than a giant dictatorial brain pickled in a super-sized Mason jar like something out of A Wrinkle In Time.
You know the folksy duo, Zager And Evans , prophesied what life would be like in the year 2525. They didn't seem to mention anything about property taxes, though. They instead included lyrical wording like "In The Year 2525, if man is still alive. If woman can survive."
Well, we know at least one man will still be alive in the year 2525 and that man is Senator Dan Patrick!
IN THE YEAR 2525- ZAGER AND EVANS (3:24)
*I couldn't resist writing a short piece of snark on the survey before mailing it back. Honestly, the 2525 wasn't just a singular typo-- 2525 was repeated ALL OVER the page. I theorize that whatever aide or intern that typed this up was probably listening to his Ipod and jamming to this melodious song that discusses a post-apocalyptic world circa 2525. I'm inspired. I'm going to go buy something expensive that costs around $517.00 and then I'm going to finance it for a dollar a year for the next 517 years. Yep. Sounds good to me.*

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Do You Have What It Takes To Join The Ranks Of The Fat Flap Espionage Elite?

Hello, my name is Elastic and I represent the FFC (Fat Flap Central). We're currently looking to recruit some of the finest fat flappers this country has to offer.
The Flapper movement has come a long way since its inception during the swinging 1920's era. See, back then our covert operatives spirited away top secret documents and other items of interest by concealing them within specially made compartments located under each fringey tier of their flapper dress.
Times have changed though, and to keep up, we've had to modernize our stable of Flapper spies. I guess you could say that we're bringing 'FLAPPY' back. Yeah!
So ask yourself this, do you listen to your "gut instinct?" Do you have a jiggly Jell-O fat roll? Is your belly a flippy, floppy flap of flub? Would you describe your abdominal area as a prominent protruding pouch of pooch? Then YOU have all the qualifications necessary to start an exciting new lucrative career with us!
Stop laying around letting your belly collect dust, lint, small objects, stray kittens and put your flab to work for us.
We will train you how to utilize your girth into becoming the perfect smuggling tool. You'll learn the finest techniques of stealing and then securing the sensitive information underneath the confines of your own gut.
Big baby bellies.....they're not just for hanging over the waist band of your pants anymore!
We'll also instruct you how to use the specialized technology afforded to us by the Ziploc plastic bag company so you don't ruin any of the classified documents with your blubbery sweat.
I've long since retired as a field agent but let me tell you I honed my fat flap concealment skills by sneaking individually wrapped packages of cream-filled Ding Dongs out of the kitchen. If I didn't have a built-in place to hide them then I would have had to contend with my kids pouncing on me and begging, "Mom can I have some of that, pleeeaaassse?"
Sure secret agents look all glamorized in the movies but we're 100 times more efficient than any Bond girl that ever walked the planet.
Think about it, Halle Berry or Denise Richards stroll in and all eyes immediately fixate on them. Meanwhile, people can't look away fast enough from us fat flappers .
It gives us the perfect cover to infiltrate where the stunningly beautiful can't.
We may be portly but we're still patriotic and we won't put up with any double agent activity.
I remember one especially fiendish double crossing operative who tried to play us for a fool. We caught her using her secrety belly roll to secretly smuggle out the secrets to Burger King's secret sauce. She had plans to sell it to the Chinese.
We took swift action to ensure that her Fat Flap spy days were over. Our in-house plastic surgeon gleefully performed a mega-tight tummy tuck on our Commie loving ex-agent. Yeah, that'll show her!
When I read about former Clinton National Security Advisor, Sandy Berger getting busted filching important documents from the National Archives by stuffing them inside his socks, all I could do was shake my head. What an amateur Sandy Berger is. If only he could have harnessed the hiding power that his belly flap had to offer.
We here at the FFC have dispensed with the cliche expression for keeping something a secret. 'Keep It Under Your Hat' has now become 'KEEP IT UNDER YOU FLAP!' Surely, this is a motto to live by......
So if you're interested in joining the FFC team we'll have recruiters out at all nationwide Krispy Kreme locations.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Welcome To Whacked-Out Conspiracy Theory Wednesday!

I am a master of deductive reasoning.
I recently stumbled upon an amazing discovery that completely explains the many questions swirling around Michael Jackson's ever-changing appearance.......

Michael Jackson is obviously part of the secretive underground society that orchestrated The Pop Star Pigment Exchange Program.
Yes, Michael's been a melanin donor for years, giving white musicians a little color in their lives.
How do I know? Well, I have photographic PROOF, my comrades.

Remember Howard Jones, the super-whitey creator of memorable 80's hits like Things Can Only Get Better and Everlasting Love? Yeah well, he looks a little different now today than when you last saw him.

THIS is the new and improved Howard Jones courtesy of The Pop Star Pigment Exchange Program. Wow, what a difference a few melanin donations can make! No more tanning bed marathons for Mr. Jones now.
I hear Howard Jones is currently looking for employment as Morgan Freeman's stunt double.

*I have insider information that Vanilla Ice is still hoping for some much needed street cred to launch yet another career revival attempt. He's currently enrolled in The Pop Star Pigment Exchange Program and is looking for a record deal under his new stage name, Chocolate Ice*

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

A Dastardly Conspiracy Is Afoot!!!!!

Somebody in the United States Postal Service wanted me to feel sad and unloved on Valentine's Day. While I sat there crying into the crunchy taco salad that was Papi's Valentine's gift to me, this lovely little package chock-full of sweetness from my favorite Cowbell was still en route to La Casa De Infidel.
No Cool Story shipped this out from Cowbell Central on February 9. I finally received it last night, February 19. She paid an exorbitant $4.50 postage and the USPS couldn't be bothered to make sure I had the warmth and comfort of the fantastic Mr. Dibble ball or the assortment of candies in time for Valentine's Day. Triste. Muy triste.

Anyway, GRACIAS, NCS! Big Besos De Chocolate Para Ti! For your heroic efforts in bringing me happiness I'd like to share these two songs with you. They're current Infidel favorites and I think you'll likey them, too.

PINBACK- Good From Sea

BRAND NEW- Fork And Knife

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Phooey On Huey!

I have a totally annoying stalker.......and Huey Lewis be thy name.
Huey's not very discreet as he goes about his stalkerish ways either--usually dragging along his entire band, The News, with him whenever he follows me around. The man knows no boundaries. He's followed me into the grocery store, my truck, even the sanctity of my own bathroom! As my daughter and I stood in line to pay for our purchases at Party City, Huey Lewis invaded my personal space yet again, crooning gently about 'The Power Of Love.' My daughter sighed as she remarked, "Eventually it always comes back to Huey Lewis, doesn't it?" And I'm like, "Yeah, there's just no escaping him."

I went to file a restraining order, but had to leave immediately as Huey tried to sway me otherwise by earnestly singing 'Happy To Be Stuck With You' over the courthouse speakers. He refuses to leave me alone. I don't encourage this behaviour, at all. In fact, I've gone to great lengths to turn him off and give him the slip, but somehow he always finds me again. That nice Hootie and his Blow Fish got the hint and quit following me some time ago. But there's just no shaking the tenacious Huey Lewis. Honestly, I wish that man would find himself 'A New Drug' and get a life. Besides, I already have a dedicated stalker named, jean knee, and she has never once frightened the Twinkies out of me by playing the harmonica like Huey has.

Huey Lewis should offer a special Stalker Guarantee Policy. "If you're not completely sick and tired of Huey Lewis and The News in 10 days or less, we will offer a full refund or sign you up for the stalking services of John Mayer, who will show up everywhere you go singing his horrible and depressing, mealy-mouthed song, 'Daughters.'" I've seen the Dark Side, my friends, and they pipe in Huey Lewis music there, too.

Anyone else notice this? Maybe it's just an anomaly rooted in Houston? If so, count your blessings that Huey isn't hot on your trail.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Infidel Conspiracy Theory Day

I've uncovered a frightening phenomenon that's spreading rapidly amongst the haute couture fashion world of elastic waist band garments....... the slow and deliberate disappearance of pockets.

Yes, sadly, pockets have started vanishing at an alarming rate, especially in plus size bottoms. How do I know this? Well, I happen to have a plus sized bottom and I've witnessed the heartbreak of disappearing pockets first hand. No, not Hot Pockets, but pockets where you store necessary items for your daily survival in. Well, I guess in a pinch you could store your stuff in a Hot Pocket along with its processed meat and runny sauce. Without pockets, where else can I put my nacho money? What about my life-saving Chapstick? What about the booger collection lovingly spread across a Kleenex by one of my mini-Infidels who wants me to store it in my pocket for safe keeping? I have six kids and for reasons of practicality, I don't want to lug a purse around all the time.

It's glaringly obvious that those heavy-handed thugs down at the Fanny Pack Factory have orchestrated this entire thing so that we're forced into buying their fashionista boycotted product and turning around the fanny pack stock market, long since in a state of decline. They want us all to look just like geeky Aunt Irma with her bright pink neon fanny pack strapped to her side, wandering around looking for the Andy Williams Theater in Branson. Well, I know their little game and I'm staging a revolt. No fanny pack will ever grace this Infidel fanny. Never!

I'm really taking a chance letting my speculations see the light of the day, and I hope it doesn't place me on a Fanny Pack assassin hit list. I'd host a fundraiser for the cause by soliciting loose pocket change, but nobody has pockets anymore. Cruel, cruel irony.