Friday, October 26, 2007

The Ghosts And Goblins Rise Up During The Night.....And So Does The Smiling Infidel Newspaper Carrier Lady

As promised, I'm here to accompany you on a short Spookfest Tour that features some of the most amusing/frightening/weird Halloween yard decorations that H-Town has to offer. Stay close to your guide, and tipping is always welcome.....

Don't mock me. That inflatable hearse chariot thing is super scary when the wind blows and makes it appear as though the horse and reins are moving for real. Plus it features some kind of undead creature rising out of the coffin in the back. The giant witch is also very spooky as they placed her smack in the middle of the cul-de-sac. You don't notice until you're right up on her. I know what you're thinking. 'A giant witch? Well, wouldn't Elastic feel comfortable with someone of her own kind like that?' Ummmm, no. These are really not sights I want to see when I'm working in the dark of night, all alone, while listening to ghost stories on the Coast To Coast radio program.

This hillbilly vampiress beauty was spotted at our local Big Lots store. Look at her slack-jawed, overbite appearance coupled with the traditional granny top-knot hairdo and white granny nightgown. I kept thinking that it must really suck to be sitting there on your plastic-covered flea market sofa minding your own business, watching a Hee-Haw marathon on the picture set when you get attacked by a vampire. We fell in love with the midget vampire on the right. Awwwww, who's a cute, wittle vampire? See how his feet barely touch the ground? He'd have to get a step-stool just to bite your neck! I'd like to see some Vampire Munchkins in a remake of Wizard Of Oz, wouldn't you?

These people drag out their fake cemetery and foreboding entry gates every single year. Again, not spooky during daylight hours, but you should see it at night when they have their fog machine running. Creeeeepppyy. Well, not as creepy as the fact that their next door neighbors are avowed Satanists. Yeah, that probably wins the creepy category hands-down. I blogged that story last Halloween.

What do you do when you keep flunking out of Beauty School? Why make weird Halloween decorations out of the practice heads, of course! If you look closely, most of these poor souls have mullets. No wonder the stylist couldn't get a beauticians license.

And finally, this SPIDER SIEGE! house is my absolute favorite. They set the mood by bathing the house in the eerie glow of red lights at night, too. Roxanne, you don't have to put on the red light.......especially because it attracts giant man-eating spiders. That Sting sure knew what he was talking about!
*Home Spider on Steroids kits do not include David Arquette.*

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

The Christmas Ornament Theme This Year? 'A Head-Hunters Delight!'

Here I am.......The Smiling Infidel, your intrepid Christmas ornament reporter bringing you all the latest trends in this season's hottest tree wear!

It appears that the creepy, floating Santa head look is taking a big corner of the ornament market this year. This Santa has some of the most mournful eyes I've ever seen on a supposedly 'holly, jolly guy.' Why the sad face, Santa Baby? At least you can feel secure in the knowledge that no one will ever use you just for your body.My camera obscured the printing on the packaging for this angel, but she is indeed a genuine Tassel Angel made of genuine Tassels. Who needs an angelic body when you have streaming, swishy tassels instead? This is why I always wear tasseled loafers so that if something ever happens to my body they can make an immediate tassel transplant. I stipulated it in my Living Will and everything. So next time you're feeling particularly grateful for the magic of tassels, you now know who the Tassel Patron Saint/Angel is!
Who knew that Mrs. Claus' macrame obsession would turn into such a profitable business venture? Yes, Mrs. Claus opened a Beard Club For Men. They specialize in replacing balding and threadbare beards with a stunning hand-made macrame version that looks and feels just like the real thing. Remember, Santa Claus isn't only the Beard Club For Men's President, but he's also a client! [Two-faced, two-headed Santa ornaments are another kind of creepy altogether. Did they have radioactive contamination in that North Pole water or what??!!?]I predict this look will be very popular with Trophy Hunters this Christmas......... Santa heads to hang up alongside their moose and deer heads over the mantel. I wonder if they'll tell their buddies, "Yeah, I bagged that one on my last hunting trip up to the North Pole. He put up a tremendous fight."

Maybe a headless Santa ornament craze will hit next year and we can make whole oncemore what was broken.

Monday, October 22, 2007

The Monsters Be Lookin At Me As If To Say 'You Don't need No More Candy Today!'

Have you ever noticed how retail stores deploy crafty techniques to keep their candy merchandise safe from the hands of little would-be candy thieves looking to acquire sticky fingers in more ways than one?

Yeah, motion-activated mad scientists and howling skeletons would definitely deter most young Milk Dud addicts from plundering into the sweet stuff. This is no coincidence. The ingenious ploy engineered to prevent people from pilfering the treats and leaving empty wrappers behind as a trick is rooted in the scarecrow technology that farmers have used for centuries to keep their corn crops safe. We nail crucifixes up above the door to keep vampires away, right? [Well, we'd probably make an exception for the vampiric but delicious Edward Cullen.] I intimidate Papi with my astoundingly whiffy gastronomic arsenal that I always have at the ready to keep him firmly ensconced on his own side of the bed. So why shouldn't shopping centers keep a talisman of sorts to ward off candy-taking evil spirits too?

Do you need a candy protector for your Halloween harvest this year? I hear the Boogeyman is available and he's slashing em deep.........slashing his prices deep, that is!

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Stephen King Launches His New Line Of Christmas Stockings Just In Time For The Holiday Season!

Don't you love how the Christmas season always ushers in glad tidings and feelings of unity towards your fellow man? Well, I recently noticed a Christmas stocking display at a local discount chain that stoked the glowing embers of my heart........
It would be so uncharitable to leave behind the sickos, psychos, serial killers, Quentin Tarantino lovers, underwire bra manufacturers, Leatherface impersonators, IRS auditors, Wayne Newton fans, and Satanists during the most wonderful time of the year, wouldn't it? I'm so thankful for diversity and the bounty of positive changes its brought to our society. Who knew that the far-reaching implications would stretch all the way towards revolutionizing the Christmas stocking market? Yes, now happily we can all have a representative stocking to hang up next to our respective fireplaces.........or makeshift crematoriums this season.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Dressed For Nursing Success

Ladies: Have you ever wanted to go out clubbing but you just couldn't find a babysitter for your still-suckling infant? It looks like the fashion industry has solved all your problems! Now, you can shake it on the dance floor while simultaneously breast-feeding your baby in these shirts that won't encumber or restrict your boobage in any way.

Me and my merry band of Infidels hit the mall on Monday and uncovered this revealing new trend in apparel. Uncovered and Revealing being the optimum words here. Who knew that the Janet Jackson's House of Exposed Titty Fashions would catch on?

*These Stores Received An Infidel Citation For Most Appalling And Inappropriate Sexualization Of A Mannequin Since The Crappy Andrew McCarthy Movie, 'Mannequin'*

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

I Wonder If The Apache Tribe Made A Special Sugarhill Gang Totem Pole To Honor Them?

I didn't mean to pry. I really didn't. But it was recently revealed unto me that one of my dearest friends has led a deprived life stripped of the soaring joy one can only experience through the magic of The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air breaking it down Apache-style with his cousin Carlton. How can I possibly stand idly by while a friend is in need of an emergency pop culture injection? Millie Chicken, Elastic sends this long-distance dedication to you in the hopes that it will act as a little ray of sunshine piercing through the gray Washington skies. Jump on it, Kemosabe!


Monday, October 15, 2007

Taking The 'Hands-On' Approach A Leeetle Bit Too Far

Hi, come on in! I'm about to start up Infidel Story Hour. So why don't you grab yourself a food storage bean bag chair.....NO, not that one! That one has the last of our potato pearls in it and I don't want the buttery perfection ruined by tainted butt. Come take this one with the dry bean soup mix stuffed inside. Dry bean soup mix is the main reason we fear a sudden apocalyptic attack-don't nobody wants to eat that to survive. Today I'm reaching way back into the annals of Infidel Family History to bring you a rousing story of Familial Traditions.......
My once flame-haired and eternally flame-tempered maternal grandmother was once a runner-up in the Miss Indiana pageant. I think she had high hopes for my mother following in her footsteps as she entered her in several beauty contests where my mom relied on her years of classical piano training to carry her through the talent portion of the competition. Dreams were dashed during one contest, though when stage fright set in and she lost her place while playing 'Maria' from West Side Story. My poor beleaguered mom just kept nervously pounding out the same chorus over and over again........"Maria, Maria, Maria, I know a girl named Maria" until one of the judges mercifully stepped in to put her out of her misery. I guess being tall and skinny with blond hair and blue eyes will only take you so far in a pageant.

Like pack animals using an innate sixth sense to sniff out weakness, my two uncles knew that this calamitous event really bothered my mom. So, they laid in wait for the perfect opportunity to torture her.......

And then, as the whole family sat in the living room, gathered around the television set watching an episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents, my mom's brothers realized they just struck gold! The shows theme revolved around a pianist who gets his hands chopped off for some reason and every night his severed hands come back to haunt and terrorize him. It freaked my mom out completely as nightmares tormented her slumber for weeks following.

Always ones to capitalize on the misfortune of their older sister, my uncles set their dastardly plan into motion by filling up a pair of latex cleaning gloves with water and freezing it. That night, they crept into my mom's darkened bedroom and placed the frozen gloves on either side of her head--counting on the fact that she's a notoriously light sleeper.

The terror-filled shrieks filled the house as she woke up thrashing about and fighting with the ice-cold, disembodied hands. My uncles, still hovering outside her door, collapsed in laughter.

This prank became a favorite for my uncles and a yearly Halloween tradition. My poor mom still gets the shakes when she hears any songs about hands. The Beatles 'I Wanna Hold Your Hand?' No. Forget about it. I feel sorry for any boys who ever tried to get 'handsy' with her. But at least she doesn't run screaming from the room when people mention the Hands Across America event anymore. That's progress. Just don't ever make any sudden "Jazz Hand" movements towards her, and you'll get along with my mom just fine.

*This is my entry into Wynne's Literary Mutations Halloween Contest!*

In An Effort To Win With Wynne......

I'm cheating and submitting two of the coolest videos I've seen in a long time for Wynne's Halloween Contest! These are both, funny, original, and Halloween-worthy.........and they're short.

Hey, Wanna Buy A Ghost??!!? [2:06]

Evil Floating Head [1:12]

Friday, October 12, 2007

When Good Bras Go Bad........

There's a sinister conspiracy afoot. As your intrepid Infidel reporter I feel compelled to bring you all the details though I risk life, limb, and the wrath of the Bra Rose Manufacturing lobbyists to do so.

I've uncovered top secret information that the Bra Rose companies have aligned themselves with the brassiere bow factories for years now and they reign supreme over the garment lobby up in Washington D.C.. Yes, they're in cahoots and working together to make women's undergarments just that much more undignified. What purpose could the sewing on of insidious satin roses and tiny, ridiculous bows possibly serve? This isn't an episode of MacGyver where we can pluck the thumbnail-sized flower off and transform it into a lethal weapon by flinging it at our enemy's eye or hiding it in their Vienna Sausage Casserole to choke them to though a Vienna Sausage Casserole wouldn't kill them off all on its own.

Us women already have to deal with unsupportive bras that sag and droop and create the dreaded 'Third Boob Syndrome' in the middle of our chest-- must we also contend with this extra aggravation? I just don't appreciate giving passing strangers the illusion that I have three nipples to go along with the pushed together 'Third Boob' thingie and that's precisely how it looks when you have a small, round object smack dab in the middle of your boobage. It's something that only a nursing set of triplets or a man with three hands would get excited about. No, a Triple-Nipple just ain't flattering on a woman at all. Or a man for that matter. Remember Chandler on 'Friends' who went to great lengths to get his supernumerary nipple surgically removed? I'm sure that if women wanted a Triple-Nipple look we can get a prosthetic to achieve that effect.

I understand that my harsh criticism will likely lead to a bra securities task force being created to investigate scandalous Bra Rose misdeeds and corrupt pay-offs. It could even lead to massive bra ornamentation factory lay-offs......but the truth shall set us free. No longer will we stand idly by and be used as walking specimens for some bra creator's Triple-Nipple fantasies.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

A Sure Sign Of Amelia Bedelia Syndrome.....

Do not be deceived by the misleading sign, people. I stood outside this McDonald's for an eternity, waiting and pacing to and fro in the painted crosswalk for a watch that never came. :( It was all a lie-- a cruel hoax designed to lure in the watch-less masses. Is it time for a Big Mac Attack? Don't ask me. I wouldn't know since I don't have a McDonald's watch.

Monday, October 08, 2007

How's It Hanging, Yo?.......The Official Infidel Christmas Ornament Guide For 2007

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas............well, it is at all major retail stores anyway. I just love a world where we can find remembrances of the birth of our Lord and Savior snuggled up on the shelves alongside maggot-rotted Halloween skulls and shiny, happy Pilgrim people. [The Thanksgiving song that R.E.M never wanted you to hear]

I'm no maven of high fashion like blog friend ANNIE but I can certainly look around and determine what the new seasonal trends will be. Judging from the glittering ornaments display hanging up at the Dollar Store, this is the year of The Disco Empire Strikes Back!--Featuring blindingly bright and gaudy baubles that could have only been designed by the Queen Of Disco herself: Donna Summers.
These struck a pang of sadness in my heart. I was like, "Awwwww, that's what happens when you hang a perfectly good disco ball too close to the trash compactor." If Rubik's Cube had made their splashy debut in the 70's, this is what they would have looked like.
This silvery orb ornament reminds us to never waste precious resources. It's constructed entirely from silver fish scales, and stray go-go dancers.I'm having trouble convincing Papi to consent to filling our tree with these fuzzy balls. Maybe he has a problem with the shocking white color radiating out from the balls like they were culled from an albino. I guess I sort of agree with him- fuzzy albino balls should never be used to adorn a Christmas tree.
Not every ornament at the Infidel house will reflect the 'Boogie Wonderland' theme this year. No, I spied this beauty down at the Boy Scout Shop while buying my son's Webelo handbook. Sure, it's a frivolous thing to blow money on, but when I saw how the door swings open revealing a skunk prancing about the crapper, I knew that I must take it home to love and cherish forever and ever! This will surely be the piece de resistance on the Infidel Tree this Christmas.

Okay, so spill. What are the holiday trends you've spotted and which ones are worth investing in?

Sunday, October 07, 2007

How Many Trees Must Die For Your Woody, Brian Wilson??!!?

Infidel daughter the second and I witnessed something rather unsettling while out on a quick jaunt to the grocery store.

See, our entire area has become an ongoing construction zone as they decimate centuries-old forests to make way for upscale shopping and fine dining housed in faux Italian Tuscan Village styled buildings. More concrete, less trees........YAY! You know that Joni Mitchell song, 'Big Yellow Taxi' that practically everybody and their greasy Aunt Edna has performed a cover of? I love that line where she earnestly sings 'They Took All The Trees And Put Em In A Tree Museum And Charge People A Dollar And A Half Just To See Em.' I can only bobble-head in agreement because around here they really have 'paved paradise to put up a parking lot.'

Infidel daughter the second pointed out a bunch of trees surrounded by a rectangular pen made of orange construction netting and kept asking me why they had those particular trees confined. Of course, I had several ideas--two of which made her crack up laughing:
1. It's a special playpen made specifically as a time-out punishment for rowdy trees who haven't yet hit their maturity.
2. A Piney Tree Petting Zoo where patrons can frolic amongst these gentle giants. They'd have to post a few 'Do Not Feed The Trees' signs, though, and maybe a 'Beware Of Trees:They Splinter' warning.
3. The state punished and imprisoned them for their massive littering crime wave. Dropping dirty needles everywhere definitely constitutes a criminal offense.
4. These were specially selected and cordoned off to keep the Infidel house in toilet paper until the year 2012. The Mayan calendar comes to an abrupt halt that year. It's reassuring to know that when the end of the world comes, our Infidel bums will be clean.

Within us all lies a little hippie side with an environmental conscience. My inner Infidel hippie enjoys patchouli oil and hairy armpits--what about yours??!!!?

Thursday, October 04, 2007

An Infidel Quickie!

You know that this Infidel, well usually, 'she love you long time.' Yeah, that basically means that an abbreviated blog rendezvous at The Smiling Infidel's red-velvet wallpapered headquarters rarely happens because my posts tend to run long. Really long. Ridiculously long. Looooooonnnngg. But not today! My Fat Melody is obsessed with Christmas because she knows her birthday lies somewhere around that magical date. She coyly asked me all summer if it was time to put up the Christmas tree because that's her sneaky little way of gauging time in correlation to her birthday. Fat Melody thinks she's the center of the universe and that all time stops and starts based on the annual marking of her grand entrance into the mortal coil. She's our baby, so Papi and I have never told her any differently.

We went swimming yesterday and as I floated around the pool ferrying Fat Melody like the Grand Poobah Princess she is, she asked me what I wanted for Christmas knowing full well that the conversation would evolve into birthday talk.......again. I told her that I only wanted everyone to be happy. Melody smiled and persisted with, "Me gonna buy you a necklace!" I made my neck disappear under my considerable chins kind of like the guy in the picture is doing and I laughingly told her "Oh, so sorry. I don't have a neck to put a necklace on." Melody thought for half a second and brilliantly declared, "For Christmas, me gonna buy you a new neck!"

See, blog quickies can be a satisfying experience because it's all about quality; not quantity. So.......was it good for you?

*I'm Not A Mommeeeee Blogger. But I Play One Sometimes On Teh Internets.*

Wednesday, October 03, 2007


Gentle Readers,

Are you new to the jaw-dropping, eyebrow-raising, armpit-scratching, chin-plucking wonders of The Smiling Infidel? You are? What took you so stinkin long to get here??!? Now the beautiful Mexican Casserole feast I made for you is all cold and greasy, and the dancing burro I hired for the party is too tired to even do The Macarena. Oh well, I still have plenty of savory Spam Cupcakes left for everyone to partake of and find Spammy happiness therein-- The kind of happiness that only processed and canned meat by-product can bring you.

Smiling Infidel veterans know that I'm homeschooling a houseful of mini-Infidels on top of working a couple of part-time jobs--Jobs where I get my hands dirty and everything. [Dirty hands to match my occasionally dirty soul] Hey, with a husband finishing his college degree, someones got to keep this family in the luxurious lifestyle of 3 meals a day that we've all become accustomed to.

Consequently, I don't return comments in the expedient manner I'd like to. This vexes me greatly despite the pithy little 'Blogging Without Obligation' thing I slapped into the sidebar. Just know that I do eventually make the rounds because no blog comment or commenter gets left behind or forgotten!

May All Your Days Be Filled With The Happiness Of Chicken Dancing,

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Topped With Cheesy Goodness, Mexican Casserole Really Satisfies!

What is an Infidel Gourmet on a reeeeeaaaallly tight budget to do when there's bills to pay and voracious mini-Infidels to feed? Well, this Infidel Gourmet turned her hope-filled eyes towards the savior of many a cheap family meal: The Casserole.

I picked up a bag of dry elbow macaroni at the grocery store thinking we could couple it with some of our extensive cheese collection living in the refrigerator, and then I saw it.........A no-fail recipe printed on the bag listing out ingredients that I already had stocked at home. Score! I hurried home to try out Mexican Starburst Casserole which was sure to delight the taste buds of even the most fickle of my mini-Infidels. If you're under 18 and reading this: No, the recipe does NOT have actual Starburst candies in it-Mexican or otherwise. Sorry to disappoint you. If you're Mexican and reading this: No, the recipe does NOT have actual Mexicans in it either.

Anyway, I added a few more spices because it's obvious the chefs who created this dish wanted to cater to the milquetoast Yankee Cracker palette. Many of you are saying, "But Infidel, aren't YOU a milquetoast Yankee Cracker?" Yes, I am. But living in Texas for 20 years has refined and conditioned my palette to accept the spicier things in life. The final casserole entree resembled chili poured over macaroni and topped with cheese. It wasn't too bad, but it wasn't too good, either.

We try not to say disparaging things in front of our many chillens, so my sexi-Mexi Papi reserved his criticism about the meal until we had a moment alone. Papi kept insisting that real Mezzicans don't eat casseroles with macaroni thrown into it. And I kept saying, "Are you calling the fine people at the macaroni company, liars? They said it's a Mexican Casserole, and I totally believe them." Papi raised his voice and emphatically yelled, "I don't care what the macaroni people say, I'm telling you that Mexicans do NOT eat this casserole!!!"

I'm a lover, not a fighter. So I smiled the biggest dimpled smile I could muster and softly said, "Yeah? Well I know of at least one Mexican who ate that casserole!"

Monday, October 01, 2007

Hang Em' High:The Pink Flamingo Version

And then when my eyes bore solemn witness to the macabre scene left behind on the grounds of the secret Plastic Flamingo Gallows- a cry of anguish escaped my pursed lips and burst slowly forth, punctuating the eerie silence. Despondently, I tallied up the carnage of those who had met the wrong end of the noose this fateful autumnal eve.

Since when does decorating your yard with the always delightfully-kitschy plastic pink flamingo constitute a capital offense? Who made these people judge, jury, and executioner that they could play Flamingo Hangman like this? Maybe the Homeowners Association President lives here, and he's trying to send a message out to any and all who dare landscape with flamboyant flamingo panache--Do it, and the flamingo gets it. Capiche?
Well, if we're going to punish abhorrent tackiness and fug in such an appalling manner, I move to take down A Flock Of Seagulls before targeting a Flock Of Flamingos. We must also stop to consider all the sad and lonely garden gnomes bereft of their flamingo companionship. Won't you please think of the gnomes?!? Stop the senseless flamingo violence today for a better flamingo tomorrow.....

*No Flock Of Seagulls Were Harmed In The Making Of This Post Because They Ran, They Ran So Far Away. And They Ran, They Ran All Night And Day.....*