I Should Be Crowned Queen Of The Dirty Santa Game

Dirty Santa=White Elephant

Got it? Good!
Anyway I wrapped up my awesome gift for the exchange in the most festive glittery silver Happy Chanukah paper before adding dangling blue balls ornaments to the ginormous bow.
Party patrons WANTED it. The gift got stolen and re-stolen and for a moment the gathering nearly turned into a Mormon Mosh Pit of Madness as frenzied fingers grappled for the present.
Not really, but it was highly sought after and now I'll show you photographic evidence of why:

This be the picture affixed to the top of the plain white box that obscured the hidden wonders tucked neatly within.
I'm sending this pic to my man Mitt so he can use it in his 2.0 Presidential Campaign Relaunch.
Big Pimpin' Mitt 2012.....ooohhhhh yeeeaaahhhh!

 

And here be the Big Pimpin' Booty!
The only parameters of the game stipulated that the gift must not exceed 10 bucks and it should be goofy but still practical.
Well, what MO wouldn't want to serve up their guests out of a set of authentic Tupac Shakur shooter glasses? The marijuana leaf motif is super classy!
Tupac was the victim of an unknown shooter and now he's immortalized on shooter glasses.
Dang, I love me some irony!

Instead Of The Midas Touch, We Infidels Have The Gigundo Booty Touch

The Gift of The Gigundo Booty manifests itself in any number of ways at La Casa De Infidel.
A minute on the lips, forever on the hips? Not at our house.
It all goes straight to our built-in, back-end, super-squishy seat cushions.
We've recently begun diversifying our Gigundo Booty portfolio by adding a free annual Gigundo Booty bonus courtesy of our local credit union.
It really isn't fair to our competition who lack the magical Gigundo Booty Touch that us Infidels have; but then the competition can sit comfortably in teeny-tiny chairs, so I guess it all balances out in the grand scheme of the universe.
See, for the second year in a row a Gigundo Booty-blessed mini-Infidel has beaten out all other contest entrants to win the top prize at the credit union.
Here's Stef looking smug with all the trappings of her stocking contest success:
(Stef is a little over 5'5 to give you an idea of how tall the stocking is)

And here's Sunbum from last year showing off the rewards one can reap when possessing an awesomely mystical power like Gigundo Booty Touch.

My girls' Gigundo Booty skills are in high demand. They have a date with Ed McMahon and the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes entry in a few weeks so you need to book them early.

*Some of the contents were duplicates of last year. For instance, we're now the proud owners of fuzzy little King Kong twins. I'm betting they'd make a great pair of ear muffs or a really fun bikini bra. Stef also got an authentic Gwen Stefani doll that came complete with her own Alice in Wonderland costume. Sometimes I think that swallowing weird potions in little bottles would explain an awful lot about Gwen and her music/stage persona.*

Feliz Navidad From Elastic Y Los Mini-Infideles!

My own personal S.Q.U.A.T Team getting in some valuable squatting practice time.

Bonga, Bonga, Bonga As We Do The Christmas Conga!

Traffic Jam Delays On The East Side Slide.

Here's A Picture From The Day The Mini-Infidels Set A World Record For Yule Log Eating.

I'm Ashamed To Admit It But Yes, It's True......My Kids Are Really Heavy Drinkers.

This Is A Little Pose I Like To Call "Keep Backing Up To Get The Perfect Shot Until You Step In A Pile Of Fresh Duck Doo-Doo." True Story. :(
So Then I Got A Call On Friday From The Bank Manager Saying That It Was Urgent And She Needed To Speak With Me Immediately.

I Freaked Out. Just A Little Bit.

And Then She Announced That My Sunbum Won Their Super Ginormous, Colossal, Gargantuan, Buttload-Of-Crap Stocking Giveaway! As You Can See Sunbum Was Very Excited. Upon Arriving Home She Promptly Separated And Wrapped Up Most Of The Toys Inside In Preparation Of A Re-Gifting Mission .

No Need For A DNA Test. This One's Definitely Mine.

And The Winning Streak Just Continues On At Our House. Yesterday I Found Out That I Had Won The Carrier Complaint Contest And That My Boss Would Be The Sucker Out Delivering My Route For Me This Morning In Freezing Temperatures! And No I Didn't Win The Complaint Contest Based On The Amount Of Complaining I Do. It Was A Reward For The Lowest Customer Complaint Ratio. We Won't Mention My Ninja-Like Skills In Cutting Phone Service So People Couldn't Call The Complaint Line.

From Each And Every SIngle One Of Us To Each And Every Single One Of You We Wish You A Very Merry Christmas!

The Smiling Infidel Shows Off Her Refurbishing Skills On Today's Edition Of 'Pimp My Gingerbread House.'

BEFORE:
This sadly deteriorating house once stood proud until it was targeted for vandalism by the infamous Hansel and Gretel Gang-- the Bonnie and Clyde of the Gingerbread House world. The dastardly duo even devoured the windows and septic tank in a frenzied state of madness that only a sugar-fueled rush can bring on.
AFTER:
My Infidel Pimpin Crew really had their work cut out for them on this one. We started with the roof and brought in Necco Wafers to use as tiles. We knew that the wafers taste like colored chalk licked right off a chalkboard eraser and would likely keep the roof safe from plundering hands.

Next we focused in on making general structural and foundation repairs. Due to the current supply shortage in the gingerbread construction business we cleverly hired gingerbread men as contractors and then sacrificed them for the benefit of building a harder, better, faster, stronger home. A lot of good gingerbread men had to die to complete this project. I sure hope the homeowner appreciates it. I tested out the sturdiness of the secret formula frosting we used as caulk myself and found that it completely sealed the lips of my naggy co-host's mouth shut. That should render the wall joints and seals deliciously lick-able but impenetrable at the same time.

We wanted to show that you could use recyclable objects to make your home earth-friendly as well as beautiful. That festive mint decoration above the door brings a lot of oomph to the overall feel of the home, don't you think? It was found on the floor of a local restaurant after a customer started choking on it. A waiter performed the Heimlich Maneuver on him thus sending the mint sailing across the room. The flavorless gumball and mint leaf landscaping came straight from the stale leftovers in your grandma's candy dish circa 1985.
We do hope you enjoyed this Christmas Eve edition of 'Pimp My Gingerbread House!' This is your stuffed-full-of-sweetness remodeler, The Smiling Infidel signing off until next time. Wishing you all spicy gumdrop wishes and wet milk dreams......

Finally A Gift That Says Everything You Wanted To Say And So Much More

Have you found yourself finally nearing the bottom of your holiday gift-giving list when you realize that you still have that dreaded frenemy, irritating boss, or pervy cousin to buy an obligatory present for?

The Sympathetic Smiling Infidel understands your needs completely and offers up this super festive gift basket that will bring merriment and joy to the very special people in your life. The sturdy crimson basket features gaily prancing reindeer and comes jam packed with oodles of yummy treats sure to delight any lucky recipient at your next holiday party or get-together.

Call today and be sure to ask for this item. Product number#420 "You Are What You Eat, Sucka!" basket.
Here's a close-up picture and product description of all the exciting items this basket has to offer:
1. Baked Cheese Balls- Because you're a half-baked cheese ball but this is close enough.
2. Vienna Sausages- For the little weenie inside you....and sometimes outside of you.
3. Slim Jim Beef Jerky- "Jerky" sums things up quite nicely.
4. Super Sour Nerds- When social ineptitude collides with rampant pissiness syndrome.
5. Air Heads Candy- I told you that hanging out at the nail salon all the time with those toxic fumes wasn't any good for you.
6. CHUNKY Candy Bar- Maybe the Slim Jim will offset it?
7. Goobers- A little bit of you in every single bite.
8. Pie Crust Mix- Flaky and crusty all at the same time!
9. Devil's Food Cookies- Because obviously I ate all the Angel's Food cookies. Duh.
10. Small Nuts- At least these are honey roasted.
11. Crackers- Everybody needs friends, even if they are in a box.
Call within the next 24 seconds and we'll even throw in a special gift card at no additional cost to you for the times you want to send your greetings and salutations----anonymously.

CHEERS!

*You'll find amazing basket-filled gift baskets with a basket theme over at humor-blogs.com*

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year!

That's because all my hard work and effort in the usually thankless role of delivering newspapers 365 days a year will finally reap the rewards I so justly deserve. Yes, tis the season to be tipping. Fa La La La La La La La La! You can keep your gay apparel, just show me the money!

In Spanish speaking countries they celebrate something known as "The Thirteenth Month" where by law, yes, by law, those in servitude must be paid a month's wages as a Christmas bonus by their employers. Well, in the gloriously capitalistic society that is America we operate a bit differently. We extend our open hands while earnestly repeating, "GIMME GIMME GIMME!" The end result remains the same though, Christmas dinero for the lower caste, white trash, SPAM casserole-loving, peon peoples. That would be me.

I've thrown the same route for several years in a hoity-toity, la-di-frickin-da, country club kind of neighborhood. As an astute scholar of all things pertaining to free money, I've come to notice that a spirit of gratitude earns you a bigger payout.

My tip amounts have shown a steadily climbing increase from the same customers during my newspaper-throwing reign of terror. I can only attribute that to the fact that I hand-write thank you notes for each and every one, even if it's only 5 bucks. According to statistics set forth by the prestigious BrownNose Institute, a daily ritual of butt-kissing yields staggeringly high returns. Wow, they are so right!

I do feel impressed that someone would voluntarily take time out of their busy life and pay postage just to send me something. I don't play favorites, but let's just say that those who tip 50 dollars or more enjoy elite gold member benefits--benefits like having me come in to act as their personal page-turner so as not to sully their fingers with the horrors of newspaper ink. I adopted the slogan iterated in the Disney flick, "Lilo And Stitch" quite literally as my own when it comes to my tipping philosophy. "Nobody gets left behind or forgotten!" You've only been a customer for a week? No problem. That's plenty of good service given to reward your carrier for. You were gone on vacation when I distributed the card solicitation? No problem. I carry extras in my truck just especially for you upon your return. You only take the paper on Sunday? No problem. You should have lots of extra money laying around thanks to the money saving coupons in the Sunday paper. You got your paper service cut off for being a deadbeat? No problem. I still love you and won't harshly judge you like my boss does. Feel the love and send me a love offering!

This year I eschewed the standard Houston Chronicle printed cards and designed one on my own. So far, I'm on the path to a stellar, record setting tip season. I wonder if my super awesome card had something to do with it? Viva la 13th month!