Tuesday, January 31, 2006

You Can Run, But You Can't Hide From SUSHI MAN!

My older children have developed a taste for sushi. My theory is that kids are naturally reluctant to trying new foods until they discover how expensive it is, then they suddenly acquire a taste for it. So, when I mentioned eating raw fish initially, their little noses turned up and they vehemently refused. They overheard me discussing how much it costs with my husband, Papi, and miraculously overnight they became little sushi aficionados.

So, anyway, while on our third trip to the grocery store in the same week, we saw the stand set up by the deli advertising fresh sushi made on the spot daily. When I saw the phenomenally low prices, my skin got all tingly, but then I started thinking about the fact that sushi made in a grocery store probably isn't very good.

Nobody was at the sushi making stand so I felt confident to laugh about it. I nudged my daughter, Sunbum, and commented in my ancient mystic Chinese accent, "Confucius say: He who eat grocery store sushi die long painful death of intestinal worms". We started laughing and slapping each other on the back. When I looked up, there he was looming over us, sample tray in hand, SUSHI MAN.

SUSHI MAN didn't seem amused but he tried to peddle some sushi to us anyway, which we politely declined. So, the next time we went to the store I looked around to make sure he wasn't there before I told Sunbum, "Fortune Cookie say: You live, long abundant life, if you no eat Kroger sushi". Like as if on cue, SUSHI MAN was standing behind us, smiling, and offering us a sushi sample.

I'm a slow learner.

Next trip I was joking with my other daughter, Monkey, and said "The sushi are adopting the Chik Fil A slogan, soon we'll see them with little signs that say, 'Eat More Chikn'". SUSHI MAN suddenly arose from behind the sushi stand. I guess he had been bending over. What are the odds? This guy reminds me of John Turturro in that Adam Sandler movie, Mr. Deeds, where he always shows up out of nowhere.

So, now when we go to the store I tell the kids to be on the lookout for my arch nemesis, SUSHI MAN! We have bought the sushi before and it's not too bad. Funny thing is, a Japanese lady that I've known for 15 years refuses to eat the Kroger sushi because as it turns out SUSHI MAN is Korean. Who knew the Asians were prejudiced like us? My friend says Koreans make inferior sushi. I know that this same lady eats at Chinese buffets though, where all the chefs are Mexican. How hypocritical is that?

I've gotta go, I'm craving a California Roll...........

Sunday, January 29, 2006

The Smiling Infidel Theater Cordially Invites You

To an elegant and enchanted evening you're not soon to forget. Our superb theater ensemble has prepared a delightful masterpiece showcasing the greatest moments and phrases on daytime talk shows. Truly this is our most exciting venture yet and we feel certain that it is Tony Award material.

Stroll down the dimly lit, graffiti tagged walkways of Memory Lane as you reminisce about such classics as ,"Who's My Baby Daddy?", and "I've Got A Secret To Tell". Laugh along with us when our male guest discovers, oh surprise, my girlfriend is a man! Duck and cover when the chairs start flying your way. Feel empathy for the man who loves his horse but the oppressive United States will not permit them to marry. Who are these close minded government officials to tell someone that they can't love as they so desire? Learn new street slang and maybe even how to properly pole dance for your man.

Yes, it will be an exciting theater experience for all who attend. Here's a quick preview of one of our most beloved talk show sayings.

Listen Girl, I done brought you into this World......

and I can take you out of this World too.

Contact The Smiling Infidel Theater Line For Ticket And Schedule Information at 1-800-RED-NECK.

Friday, January 27, 2006

If Only Everyone Was Perfect Like Me

I've been rather reticent to post things that may be construed as offensive or mean spirited but after reading the breath of fresh air that is Louis and his hair and pest free psychic head, the decision has been made to release my inner bully and let her roam free dispensing wedgies and cruelty at will. Oh, inner bully you have been so quiet and patient all these years now is your time to shine!

These are the reasons that I sometimes feel like a complete social pariah among the women in my Church.

1. Not too many Sisters have three siblings all with different last names because we all have different fathers like I do.

2. I loathe and despise scrapbooking and would rather fill my afternoon brushing my dog's teeth than sit around cutting and pasting endlessly. It's also a massively expensive hobby.

3. Sometimes I worry that my eyes will get stuck in the back of my head because they roll around uncontrollably upon hearing thin gamine Sisters complain bitterly about how fat they are and what diet they're on while the truly fat around them, like me, are just trying to enjoy our brownie in peace.

4. Parents who leave children under 12 to go on vacations with their spouse child free. Very common in our Ward. I got a little sassy with one Sister who left her BABY and TODDLER to go on a cruise. She kept complaining about her girls being, "clingy", when she got back. I told her bluntly that while her and hubby were frolicking in the Caribbean for two weeks her daughters probably developed separation anxiety and felt as though they had been abandoned. Looks like I won't win the Ward Miss Congeniality Trophy this year.

5. Sisters who incessantly use the word, 'like', in conversation, makes me want to gag myself with a spoon, to the max. I would love to have a hypnotist work with one Church member in particular and force her to chant, "I will not flip my hair constantly, or smack my gum, and I will stop peppering my sentences with like, totally, and whatever. After all, I AM a 30 year old married Mormon Mom, not a teen Valley Girl". Fer Sure!

6. Women who feel the burning desire to rub, scratch, touch, lay on, and kiss their husbands during Sacrament meeting. Words cannot describe how annoying and irreverent this is especially if you're unfortunate enough to be seated behind them. Yes, we get it, you love your man and you're all horned up for him, but did you ever see Marjorie Hinckley touching our Prophet constantly and massaging him during meetings? No, because it's inappropriate,so stop already. True irony is, the worst offender of PDA in our Ward is now going through a divorce. Maybe she should have kept her hands to herself and her ears on the talks more.

7. I hate it when ladies whom I'm not that close with, announce to me, "Oh, we've started trying for another baby". WTH??? Why do I need to know that you and your husband are doing it more in hopes of impregnation? Way too personal.

8. I regard women who don't work and then complain about how tired they are and how hard their life is, aggravating. Similarly women who kvetch about money woes and when I offer them solutions like working part time manual labor like I do, they sniff and say, "Oh, NO, I could NEVER do THAT".

9. I have made it known that I have an allergic reaction to strong perfumes and scents and I'm not embarrassed to stand up and move when I'm swelling and gagging from the woman next to me who smells like a French whorehouse.

10. Sisters who have placed themselves in the highest degree of glory already. The ones who look like they will faint if they hear you utter words like, crap, or dang. That also refers to the weasel who called our R.S. Pres. to report me because she saw an inch of my garment sticking out of knee length shorts at Wal-Mart.

I also don't wear makeup, or fix my hair, I've never owned a pair of high heels, and I detest pantyhose. Did you know that pantyhose is the number one factor in causing yeast infection among women? Gross, but scientific and true. We homebirth, homeschool, and I'm a convert. Maybe I'm the weird one. I do know so many wonderful Sisters in our Ward but I only feel true kinship with my fellow struggling converts and homeschoolers.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Big Mouth Strikes Again (My second favorite song from The Smiths)

Have you ever uttered a phrase out loud and regretted it almost immediately? Do you still find yourself obsessing and feeling embarrassed by past vocal outbursts, even though the incident happened years ago, and nobody else remembers nor cares except you?

No? Well then, congratulations you infallible model of human perfection. You are hereby barred from this blog from now until eternity. Scamper along now and go hang out with the "cool" people, this just isn't the place for you.

If you answered, YES!!! You are my kind of dorkus maximus homosapiens!

So, I was in the Junior High Band. I "played" the clarinet. Played is a very loose term here. Mercifully, I never performed wretched enough to place last chair but I knew my rightful place would always rest in the second to last chair position. Thank you Mr. Tracy for being a suckier clarinet player than me. Yes, we should always be thankful for our blessings.

I became friends with an incredible alto-saxophone player named Don. We hung out together, joked, ate lunch, etc. The school held a Spring Band concert event and he was selected to play a solo piece. The theme to the T.V. female crime solving detective show, 'Cagney and Lacey', which is pretty challenging for a 7th grader. Don was superb! I remember vividly that he played it without error and roused the crowd to a standing ovation.

The next day at school I see him walking down the hall and I couldn't contain my excitement. I bellowed at the top of my lungs, "Wow, Don, you were so amazing last night!".

Immediately, I heard the dreaded sound of snarky middle schoolers snickering and pointing in my direction. Don was blushing feverishly and shifting around kind of nervously. I'm no Puritan but I didn't see that I said anything wrong until my more, ummm, 'progressive', friend, Andrea, explained the unintended double entendre. Horrifying and mortifying to say the least. Don kept his distance from me for the rest of our Junior High days lest we give the kids more gossipy ammunition. How can middle school children turn an innocent remark of praise into something tawdry and sexual? Somewhere, Dr.Freud is smiling that his philosophy has proven itself true once more.

By the way, the name of the Junior High is Wunderlich. When my husband, Papi and I first married we lived on Wunderlich Road and my goodness the misspellings on our mail were abundant. My favorite by far though was, wonder lick. Hard to decide there, lollipop company owned by Wonder bread, or stamp collector fetish porn?

Monday, January 23, 2006

World Exclusive: An 'Angel' Captured On Camera!

She WALKS like an

She TALKS like an

She LOOKS like an
Angel, BUT.......

She's THE DEVIL in
oh, yes, she IS!

Looks can be so deceiving. This is the baby of the Smiling Infidel Household. We call her Fat Melody, Lolly, or Stinkbug. Stinkbug because she is NOT exactly Cuddlebug or Lovebug material. She fills her days antagonizing her siblings, breaking everything in sight, and just generally asserting her "independent" spirit. My little Stinkbug has also been known to strike fear and dread in the hearts of her Sunbeam teachers. I just keep reminding myself, we've made it 3 years, only 15 more to go.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Geeks Are People Too

We have sworn off most T.V. since the Superbowl booby debacle a few years ago. My girls love American Idol and I even curtailed that because of the graphic commercials for the inappropriate sex-drenched teen show, 'The O.C.'. Prior to that, FOX showed promos for, 'Temptation Island'. Not exactly family fare, unless your family is one of those incestuous, stolen baby, amnesiac, evil twin, murderous, adulterous, miraculously returns from the grave kind of soap opera family. In which case FOX programming is probably tame and mild for you.

So, now with the lengthy disclaimer I feel confident to admit that my husband, Papi and I watched a couple episodes last week of the high brow show, 'Beauty And The Geek'. It seemed to be a marathon showing of all of the previous season's episodes.

Well, they lined up the beauties for an onstage academic contest after being trained by their respective geek partners. They had questions pertaining to history, spelling, geography and the like. When the emcee started with the questions I shouted out the answers, and to my absolute delight, I didn't even miss one. That's right, I was on fire answering questions right and left and mocking the women who were stumped at basic spelling words like Wednesday. I was practically crowing, squawking and parading around the room and telling my husband, "Who's your mama now?", when I glanced over at the dresser mirror and realized, oh, snap, I'm NOT a beauty, I'm one of the geeks. Of course, I answered everything correctly, I AM a geek and I was wearing my Geek T-shirt to prove it.

I think that the hissing sound of my ego deflating was actually audible. My Mom says I'm a beauty and she told me that she meant it sincerely and NOT just because I'm her kid. I believe her whole heartedly.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Gosh, Some People Are So Easily Offended.....

Okay, admittedly I'm not blessed with social grace. You know how as teenagers you feel awkward and self conscious? I'm a 31 year old woman who has never grown out of that gawkiness stage. I thought that periodically I would showcase some of the asinine things that I have done and said for your personal amusement.

At Church, our former Primary President is also a schoolteacher. I'm in awe of how meticulous and organized she is. However, she is also a strict by-the-book kind of person and left no wiggle room for um, some "creative" teaching and discipline methods that I used with my class of 10 year olds.

I took to referring to her as a Triple Combination (not to her face though, of course). Sour, Dour, with the Power To Glower. So, Mrs. T.C. is as pinch faced and wrinkle nosed as an individual can get. My daughters call it the, "who farted?" face. Her family and especially her husband are so very easy going and smiley though. I guess proof that opposites DO attract.

Well, when she was released as Primary President I tried to joke with her in the hallway at Church. I said, "Now that you aren't going to be President anymore, are you going to miss people rolling out the red carpet for you, and singing, ( at this point I started humming, 'Hail To The Chief'')". My musical interlude only went on for a few bars when I noticed Mrs. T.C.'s face get even meaner and red. It was then that I realized that I was NOT humming, 'Hail To The Chief', but instead was humming, 'The Death March'. I never noticed how similar they sound. Oh, horror of horrors. The people milling about in the halls just stopped and stared. I quickly made my exit to the Relief Society room on the right. Since that fateful day, Mrs. T.C. has not spoken a word to me. Maybe she just doesn't appreciate my delightfully obnoxious personality. In all fairness though, she does get along with other people, just not me.

Bonnie Raitt once sang, "I can't make you love me, if you don't". Oh, Bonnie, truer words were never spoken!

Thursday, January 19, 2006

The Smiling Infidel Theater Proudly Presents Part TWO

The Princess And The Pee......RELOADED!
ummmm split pea that is.

Call it artistic interpretation or whatever, but I'm positive that underneath that kick *** leather suit that Trinity wore, was a Geek Squad shirt.

Please note the bowl of delicious, nutritious, and low fat split pea soup that I lovingly prepared for my trolls. After all, demolition crews DO need a lot of energy.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

The Smiling Infidel Theater Proudly Presents......

The Princess And The PEE

And so, our fractured fairy tale opens with the Infidel Princess enjoying some well deserved serene slumber after a long day of eating bon-bons and trimming sideburn hair, or so it would seem.

As a Fear Factor style test of her grace, patience, and moisture sensitivity, our heroine has unwittingly been layered up under 21 layers of bedding by 6 mischievous trolls. They came to reside with her at her one story suburban castle surrounded by mud puddles instead of a moat, one at a time, once upon a time. Being the little trolls that they are, they've been conspiring together ever since to make sure all the castle walls are colored on, that the royal toilets are rendered unflushable, and that nasty stuff gets ground permanently into the carpeting.

Unbeknownst to our fair Princess, somewhere in the 21 layers lies a sodden urine soaked blanket courtesy of Troll Number #5.

Will the Princess prove her delicacy by feeling the wetness soaking through the layers? Or will the many years of sharing her bed with leaking babies and toddlers show her to be too desensitized to detect the impending malodorous pee stream creeping her way? Will she ever learn the words to, 'My Humps', or will she languish hopelessly lost at the Royal Ball when the conversation turns to pop culture and crappy songs?

Stay tuned for another nail biting, edge of your seat episode........

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

No, Keanu, It's Not 'Whoa', It's WOE!

After yesterday's shameless display of the heathen side to my personality, I must counter it with a Church story. Unfortunately, its also irreverent. My fate will probably always rest in being referred to as "that weird convert chick".

My 10 year old daughter, Sunbum, was called to give her favorite scripture in Primary on Sunday. Well, Sunbum had a teacher last year that was unbelievably stern. Yep, he was a good candidate for stick removal surgery. Never a smile on the man. So, whenever one of his students exaggerated or embellished a story he would always say, "open your BOM to 2Nephi 9:34, and read it out loud". This made a big impression on young Sunbum and she decided to pay tribute to her former teacher and recite this scripture in front of the whole Primary.

It would have been funny, except our entire Stake Primary was visiting, and Emma Jo's, dad, our Stake President, was going to follow Sunbum and speak to the kids. I kept nervously thinking that surely she would change her selection given her audience. Come on, there are a LOT of good scriptures to choose from. But NO, she leaned into the microphone, and spoke loudly, "Woe unto the liar for he shall be THRUST down into Hell", with a lot of emphasis on the thrust and Hell part.

Some of said teacher's former students started to clap with enthusiasm. Mr. Stick himself had a big grin on his face that stayed with him throughout Primary. President Oscarson looked surprised and maintained a raised eyebrow look until his turn at the podium. Me? I couldn't stop laughing.

I may be on a course set for the Telestial Kingdom. *sigh*

P.S. For those of you that read my blog yesterday, see you there!!!

Monday, January 16, 2006

Smiling Infidel, Your Personal Manners And Etiquette Coach

Okay, here's a word of warning. If you are in anyway easily offended or consider yourself to be a comedy elitist, do not read today's entry and check back in tomorrow.

So, you sick minded people that have decided to read further will be rewarded with vulgar, low-brow humor.

The warehouse guy where I work, whom shall henceforth be referred to as 'Major', (because his last name is Payne), is accompanying a friend of his to Los Angeles to attend an after party for the Golden Globe Awards honoring Ellen DeGeneres. His friend won tickets to the party, a taping of The Ellen DeGeneres show, and a taping of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

First of all the invitation stipulated black tie attire so Major had to purchase a new suit. He bought a double breasted pinstripe one. Of course, I couldn't let that go without teasing him. I told him that I wear a double breasted suit everyday but it only has pinstripes when I sleep on my chenille blanket funny. Then, I had to tell him that he's all set to break into acting because he has the perfect get-up to audition for some plum gangster and Mafia roles. Finally, I compiled a list for him so that he won't make any awkward gaffes upon meeting Ellen DeGeneres.

5 Things You Should NOT Say To Ellen Upon Meeting Her:

1. Wow, you look ten times butchier in real life than on T.V.!

2. Hmmmm, it smells like tuna fish in here.

3. I LOVE your outfit, Ellen. I have the same one at home.

4. We should get together sometime and watch the "Girls Gone Wild", video.

5. Have you ever made out with a newspaper warehouse guy before?

Thanks to my infinite wisdom, he should fare well out there in the big city. You blog reading people can look for him in his super suave suit on the air date which should be Tuesday. Have a safe trip home, MAJOR!!!

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Unauthorized Toothbrush Use Makes Me Bristle

My wonderful, considerate, manly husband, Papi, informed me this morning that he lost his toothbrush a few days ago. Papi is a very upstanding individual with good personal hygeine skills, so I hesitantly asked him what he had been using the past few days to brush his teeth. Papi told me, "Oh, a purple one that was on the counter". Immediately, I screamed out, "NOOOOOOOOO, how could you"? Papi just laughed.

This is the question. Why is it that I have been married to this man for 11 years and the thought of him using my toothbrush is grossing me out?

I mean, we do make out and swap germ-teeming saliva back and forth. Sorry MOM if you're reading this, but I lied, NO, our kids were not all the product of immaculate conception like I told you. Don't you think that there comes a point in marriage that you want to modify your vows and not have to share everything, for heaven's sake?

Friday, January 13, 2006

Pride Rears Its Ugly Head In A Mexican Restaurant

My husband has the extreme pleasure of working with a nearly all female staff! That's right 10 divorced and bitter Latinas, my husband, Papi, and 1 Jesus crammed into the same office. Why? Because, hey, everyone needs Jesus in their lives and maybe in their office too. I don't like to name drop or anything but my husband truly DOES have a friend in Jesus. Are you insanely jealous? That's not a Christian virtue, shame on you! By the way, Jesus is pronounced, (HEY-ZEUS), he's Mexican and he doesn't happen to possess any omnipotent power.

The downside is that these women bicker, compete, and catfight most of the day thus making a stressful work environment for Jesus and Papi. The upside is that my husband has come to appreciate how wonderful I am, if only by way of comparison to his female co-workers.

We went to a company dinner a month ago and a new employee whom I shall name, Sister Christian, started preaching to me. I smiled and continued eating, come on we're talking free Mexican food here, while she spoke. Finally, she paused and I told her that I loved it when Papi comes home from work and shares the daily gossip with me. After spending my days with six kids, I NEED that adult outside world connection that good office gossip brings. Well, Miss Sister Christian started thumping her chest and gave me a stern look of consternation and proceeded to chastise me by saying, "As a Christian, I must tell you that gossiping is a sin, and I will pray for you to discontinue your bad habits".

So, I puffed myself up too, which admittedly I'm already puffy, and informed her, "Do you know who you're talking to? I listen to Christian rap music AND I know all the words to Jesus Freak, THAT makes me practically an expert on Church things".

I may have confused her because she didn't speak to me for the rest of the dinner.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

I Am The Dancing Queen....

This is our fearsome beast, Reagan and his lolling tongue. His specialties include polishing the kitchen floor until it gleams and licking postage stamps. He's also part of our impenetrable crack home security team. Everyone in our house has to work to earn their food and shelter and he's no exception.

It's my personal tradition to entertain Reagan and mortify my kids by dancing and singing just for him. After seeing my enormous posterior immortalized in a picture I have stepped up my dancing routine to burn calories.

Dancing for my dog is not a thankless job, he always gives me a reaction. Like pawing futively for an escape from his kennel. My favorite dance number is "Move Ya Body", by Nina Sky because it provokes him the most. When I really start jiggling, shaking my butt, and doing the funky chicken, poor Reagan actually claws at the windows and floors and whimpers. I guess I'm just cruel because it makes me laugh. Our special singing time together usually features "Silly Love Songs", by Paul McCartney. Reagan gets real nervous and shifty eyed when I warble this lovely tune, and his anguished cries and howls can be heard even outside of the house, (according to our neighbors).

My hopelessly hippy compassionate daughter, Sunbum, is concerned that I'm either going to make Reagan go blind or suicidal, and she's threatened to call PETA on me to report dog abuse. I guess the fault is mine for allowing a ten year old to listen to talk radio. When I remind her that if I can't dance for Reagan, I'll start dancing for her, she always backs down!

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

We Are Truly Bootylicious!

Cracked Rear View
Originally uploaded by elasticwaistbandlady.
This picture was snapped before I could call in my butt stunt double or at least get one of my kids to cover me. Oh, the humanity!

The only reason I'm including this humiliating picture on my blog is to showcase our nicknames. (The printable ones anyway) A word of advice, if someone tells you to turn around for a gratuitous booty shot of you, at least pick out your wedgie! My daughter, Monkey and I have learned this the hard way.

The photo was taken by our homeschool group President who found our shirts amusing. Either she is preserving this picture for homeschool archives or saving it to look at for a cheap laugh when she feels despondent.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Life, Liberty And The Pursuit Of Tasteless Jokes!

We attended a wedding reception recently. Nice couple, they registered at BOTH Wal-Mart and Target. Words cannot express the soaring joy in my heart when I saw their registry location and the profound love I felt for them.

Anyway, I thought it was rather sweet that they requested several board games one of which was Monopoly. I won't play it anymore with my kids because one game can stretch into an all day event. So, I desperately wanted to send them the game anonymously and attach the following note:

We are sending you the game of Monopoly where each round takes an eternity to complete. This way we know we won't be receiving a baby shower invitation in the next year.

Hugs and Kisses,
The International Society For Alternative Birth Control Methods

My husband laughed, said I had a sick and twisted mind (like I didn't already know that), and convinced me that others might fail to see the humor in it. Darn, I hate it when values, morals, and righteous husbands get in the way of a fun joke.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

So, You Think You're Too Good To Drink Out Of Empty Jelly Jars?

Okay. As promised, Part TWO of my gift registry rant.

The most disturbing trend we've noticed is wedding gift registrations for young LDS couples requesting wine goblets and champagne flutes. The holy heck!!????!!! For what intent and purposes do they need these items for? In case you aren't aware, Mormons do NOT consume alcohol, so why ask for wine glasses? So many times I have wanted to ask somebody, but interrogating people on their wedding day about weird registry items just never seemed very appropriate. Even afterwards, it seems like an invasive question to ask. So, here are a few theories as to the use of this glassware.

1. The couple is too poor for a piano so they line up the wine goblets, fill them with varying amounts of water, grab a few spoons and delicately tap out the melodies to all of Donny Osmond's greatest hits.

2. The bride heard a rumor that you can eavesdrop better on your neighbors with a wine goblet to the wall because the sound is amplified through glass stems.

3. Yes, we may live in run down campus housing and have to sell our firstborn child to pay our student loans but we love eating our Ramen noodles off of fine bone china and drinking our red Kool-Aid out of Waterford Crystal flutes.

4. The happy couple stacks the wine glasses up in a pyramid formation and then practices throwing bean bags at it to topple them over. This way they will really clean up at the County Fair and can redecorate with all the giant stuffed Scooby Doo's they're sure to win.

5. Martha Stewart has somehow sent out subliminal messages that have morally corrupted LDS youth into thinking they actually need wine glasses that will never see wine and champagne flutes that will never hold champagne and shot glasses that can only be used for suction therapy.

6. The more glasses, the more color selections when they dye their Easter eggs.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Some Gift Registeries Give ME The Wedding Bell Blues!

I am very fortunate to have married a man somewhat like minded unto myself. Neither of us are very good at receiving presents, it makes us feel awkward. Feigning excitement at a crappy present is difficult and when a gift is particularly nice we both feel somehow obligated to the giver. Maybe this is why the adage goes, 'It is much better to give than to receive'.

So, needless to say we have NEVER filled out a list for a gift registry. Not for our wedding, not for baby showers, nothing. Now, I completely understand the need for gift registries. If they weren't around every newlywed couple would receive hand loomed toilet paper concealers, the occasional Velvet Elvis painting, creepy clown figurines (happened to us), and other such "treasures". The thing that bothers me is the fact that I know people look at these lists and make stark personality judgements based on the items contained therein.

My Mom and I are guilty of laughing and gossiping about tacky color combinations in their towels and shower curtain selections. I'll laugh with my husband about why two college kids need china and silver when they are drowning in student loans. We all shake our heads and comment when said couple picks out video games for their registry. Is it me or this just immature to request video games when you are a grown adult getting married? Maybe, we are just horrible people to mock others tastes and values, but it's just too much fun, and it adds a little spark in conversation on an otherwise boring day.

Personally, I have a fondness in my heart for those who register at Target or Wal-Mart. Even Bush's White House Spokesman, Scott McClellan had two registeries at his wedding last year, one at Gimbel's (I think), and the other at Target. I LOVE that! It gives people less affluent some gifting options aside from the $100.00 per plate settings. I have known wonderful people though who have gotten married and registered at nice department stores like Foley's and asked for items that were on sale and everyday use practical. Things like plates with a simple navy stripe, and silverware designed for eating not sitting in a fancy engraved box and waiting to be polished twice a year. I try not to be biased but I love these married couples more than those who only register at Neiman Marcus and Macy's.

I have other thoughts on the subject so this is to be continued..............Like a soap opera cliffhanger only nobody dies and it's MUCH MORE interesting.

Children Are A Blessing (I repeat this to myself often when they are being naughty little heathens)

When you have a tre's crapp'e kind of day, cute kid quotes come in handy. Some are my own kids, others are from Primary classes.

Lilah age 5- "No, I never brush my teeth. I just eat a lot of peppermints".

Melody age 3- She had a chocolate candy in each hand and was walking towards her brother so I asked her if she was going to share. She said, " Yes, me share with myself". (This made her Grandma proud. Her mantra is, 'Never share Chocolate')

Me: Okay, you little animals it's time to be quiet and get to work on the lesson.
Sampson age 9: We're not animals, we're homosapiens.
Henry age 8: I'm not. I'm a HOBO.
Me: That's right Henry, you are a HOBOsapien.

Brandon age 9 says to me: Wow, you have sideburns just like Elvis!

When asked to name one of the ten commandments:
Alyssa age 4 said, "Always wash your hands when you tinkle".

Monkey drew a stick figure picture of me, her Mom, and showed Elizabeth age 4 who told her, "No, No you have to draw her MUCH BIGGER than that".

Sunbum age 10: What's the name of Robin Hood's girlfriend? It was Maiden something. Maiden, Maiden.....
Buster age 8: China! Maiden China!

Caterpillar age 6: Mom, did you know, losers are winners and winners are losers!
(I think she was trying to tell me the old Winners never quit and Quitters never win line)

We took Buster age 4 to the Galleria, he had a speech impediment and couldn't pronounce his L's. So, he looked upon a giant American flag that had been hung up over the glass elevators and said, "Mommy, look at that BIG FAG".

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Universal Truths (at least in MY infidel world)

I was contemplating irony and Murphy's Law among a few other things and compiled a mental list.

1. Sunbum is now forbidden from wearing the T-shirt she got at vacation Bible school last year with the name of the Church and a ginormous cross down the front. Sunbum only wears it around the house but EVERY time she puts it on, a member of our Church stops by. Once, a member of our Bishropic came over and noticed her shirt immediately. I'm sure he was wondering why we're advertising other faiths.

2. The absolute worst feeling in the world is getting out of the shower clean and refreshed and then the urge to use the toilet strikes.

3.If I have the radio on at home it is guaranteed that a guy will stop by and an overtly suggestive song will immediately start to play. Last time it was our exterminator, I had it on the 80's station and 'Pour Some Sugar On Me', started blaring through the house. The guy who came to our door last summer selling Christian videos was treated to 'I Want Your Sex', by George Michael. Honestly, I censor this stuff for my own kids but the minute I'm occupied, objectionable music starts to play. The missionaries were here when 'Sex And Candy' (rivaling Hollaback Girl for worst song ever) came on. It was a very awkward moment and I jumped up to turn off the stereo.

4. I can tolerate quite a bit of bad behavior from my kids in public and I will patiently remind them that they need to stop pushing each other, whining, yelling, etc. and I never see anyone that I know. The very second that I threaten them and tell them I'm taking them out to the parking lot for a beating is when an acquaintance or Church member will eerily appear before me. EVERY TIME!

5. Another, is unavoidable things that come along with being a human. I usually make sure the coast is clear before delicately extracting a big wedgie, but to no avail. Whenever the job is completed I can expect to have at least one set of disgusted eyes on me. I rarely pick my nose but sometimes you have the annoying one that flits in and out of your nostril with your respiration. You HAVE to pick it out. I feel safe in my truck with tinted windows but alas, a co-worker saw me and announced loudly, "Hey, I saw you picking your nose while driving". He is a known jester type so I think he was just kidding, but one never knows, does one? Finally, the spray of saliva that springs forth when engaged in a conversation is the worst. I choose to ignore it but it's embarrassing.

6. The moment I take off my hard working bra so I can roam around the house unfettered is when a neighbor or friend or worse a Church member will stop by and then I have to conduct the entire conversation with my arms crossed over my chest.

7. Your empty stomach WILL growl ferociously at the exact moment of complete silence. Especially at Church where the Chapel amplifies every little sound.

8. The rest is the usual. Whenever we run late we WILL miss every light on the road. When it's picture time I WILL experience angry red adult acne. My favorite shirt or pants WILL always be in the wash when I need it to go someplace. My kids WILL always have to use the potty in public despite forcing them to go at home. We WILL have an open schedule for most of the month and then have 5 things to do on the same day. Despite warnings, kids WILL always talk about the things you told them not to talk about. Nobody ever drops by our house unexpectedly when it's clean. When you prepare more than enough for a party people WILL cancel at the last minute. You WILL experience belching and farting pains at the most inopportune times, same goes for itching.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Freakonomics Indeed!

So, my trusty sidekick, Sunbum and I were driving down the road and we noticed the marquee for the Dollar Cinema. It featured a film starring the very soulful and tender rap artist 50 cent called, 'Get Rich Or Die Trying'.

Naturally I commented, "DANG, you have to pay a dollar to see fifty cent, what a crappy return investment".

Sunbum didn't even give me her courtesy laugh and I ended up giggling over my own joke. Laughing at your own jokes is a cursed genetic marker in our family and I guess the symptoms have manifested in me earlier than other family members. Oh well, maybe scientists are working feverishly to concoct a cure for dorkiness.

Monday, January 02, 2006

Real Men Really DO Wear Pink

`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` What better time to show absolute love and appreciation for those you care about most than at Christmas?

I created this masterpiece in tribute of my most favorite warehouse manager in the whole world who happens to be 24 and a hopelessly anal conservative. Nothing says adoration like a politically incorrect pink shirt.

Real Men Really DO Wear Pink