I'm Putting Some Carrot Jello Into My Bed Tonight!

Ah, the great state of Texas..........
It's home to a many and varied wondrous things.
Things such as those cute little critters known as armadillos. Things such as armies of ready and willing taxidermists that can transform the tragedy of a squished roadkill armadillo into the triumph of a kitschy beer bottle holder provided you don't mind armadillo particles in your alcoholic beverages.
Yes, it's great to be a Texan....most of the time.
Sadly though, despite searching near and far, there' s simply not a satisfying and delightful Carrot Jello to be found anywhere.
Oh believe me, I've been in pursuit of a replicate Carrot Jello companion for years, all to no avail. How hard is it to find some decent Carrot Jello around these parts? A good Carrot Jello is bouncy and beaming with shininess on the outside while also showing there's substance on the inside....well, substance aside from all the shredded vegetables.
Regrettably, I've only found pale imitations of Carrot Jello greatness that either had a surprisingly fruity center or worse yet, absolutely nothing inside.
Carrot Jello doesn't come in a pre-molded design for there's nothing quite like a good Carrot Jello. It's a recipe that stands on its own, totally unique from the other moldy Carrot Jello wannabes.
I found the best Carrot Jello two summers ago in another state. It wasn't the kind that you can pack up and take home with you though I may or may not have tried to slyly stuff Carrot Jello into my suitcase to smuggle back home.
Anyway, I've been going through severe Carrot Jello withdrawal symptoms ever since.
So really, what choice did I have but to get on the phone and beg for a fresh shipment of Carrot Jello to be sent to me straight from the wilds of Seattle?
My bundle of Carrot Jello arrives today. I plan on experiencing a complete and total Carrot Jello overdose for the next 5 days.
I secretly want to keep Carrot Jello all to myself but if some of you are just dying to know where you too can get a heaping helping of delicious Carrot Jello you can go to her amazingly funny blog here: CARROT JELLO
She's also 100 percent cuter than that inferior Carrot Jello picture I posted at the top.
We have a whirlwind itinerary all lined up that includes: A stop to meet with the royal proprietor of Dumass Tacos, a date with the karaoke machine at Incredible Pizza (we're definitely going to rock a "Brandy" duet), dual chin plucking marathons, and maybe, as time permits, we'll even engage in some adventures in roach killing.
Here in Texas the roaches are not only as long as your middle finger but they also fly. We'll need cucaracha nets and safari hats equipped with a built-in RAID sprayer.
Act now and maybe some of you can book this first-class Carrot Jello to show up in your city for a special appearance. Perhaps this can turn into the Carrot Jello World Tour 2009. The first stop on the tour? H-Town: Home of The Smiling Infidel!

The Smiling Infidel Family Versus Hurricane Ike

Thanks so much to all the very special-verrryyyy special-guest bloggers that have been standing proudly on the Smiling Infidel poop deck the past few days and navigating her through the choppiest of blog waters.

We are now on Day #5 with no sign of restored electricity in sight. Like Noah releasing a dove from the ark to seek out dry land, we keep tossing our sneakers that have been tied together up in the air, praying for it to find an intact power line to string themselves up on. So far, no good.

Out of sheer boredom, Papi and I are now gold star members in the Hurricane Club. It's kind of like the Mile High Club, except you get blown (around) more and leave behind a lot of damage and debris.

So, here's the post I was slaving away on last Friday moments before we lost power courtesy of Hurricane Ike:

It's nearly 11:00 at night. We're just a few hours away from the much ballyhooed arrival of Hurricane Ike.

The tempestuous gusts of tropical storm wind has really begun to increase as evidenced by the swaying of the pine trees surrounding us..........and the special brand of Houston "Trash Tumbleweeds" blowing down the now-empty residential street where the Infidel family resides.

So did you bring back that permission slip that I gave you? You're going to need it because I'm taking you on a picture-filled field trip into the heart of our Hurricane Ike Preparation Day. Hurry up, go forge your mom or dad's signature.

Come on, you know this isn't the first time you've ever done such a thing.

Observe our special assembly of The Rainbow Flashlight Coalition. We're a very diverse family that doesn't discriminate against flashlights regardless of color, size, or shape.

CRANK THIS, Souljah Boy! Thanks to my years spent honing my hand-cranking skills on the Championship Homemade Ice Cream circuit, cranking up out little Freeplay radio is a gripping but simple task.

It's Wednesday now. I'm not giving you an updated picture of my pantry because it's starting to look sad. Below is how it looked last Friday.
We've been eating our meals straight out of cans just so we don't have to wash out bowls and plates. We're sinking lower and lower down the scales of civilized society. I think we're now just one step away from eschewing the life of finger bowls and salad forks forever. However will we get invited to a Posh Spice Dinner Banquet now, I ask you??!!??

My water bill has erroneously read $700.00 for the month. I say erroneously. The water company says "NOT erroneously. Pay up." At least our bottled water only set me back around 15 bucks.

The oldest Infidel son, Buster, will henceforth be referred to as "The Little Water Drummer Boy."
Buster made sure our water drums were cleaned, filled, and ready to go. I'm hoping that our Homeowner's Association narc that keeps harassing us about weeds in the cracks of our driveway stops by so we can play a little dunking game with him using our large-enough-to-hide-a-man's-body water drums. Wouldn't that be so much fun??!?

The mighty Infidel truck found secure housing in our garage for the first time ever.
The Infidel spawn call it a "GAY-RAJ."
I sincerely hope that we never actually meet a gay guy named Raj because that might be a bit awkward.

*Special Thanks to our neighbor who has allowed us to run a line to his generator today. He thinks I'm using it to vacuum and cook. Right. I have priorities, people!*

And Now All My Blog Friends Know That I'm Rated X.......They Saw The Tell-Tale Size Sticker I Left Behind On My Shirt

I happily made it back home from Summer Blog Party 2008 adventures alive which is a very good thing because who else is going to take care of the mountains of laundry that greeted me at the front door?

I didn't really sleep at all the entire weekend. No, there wasn't any vampire kitties, I just wanted to soak up the sprightly essence of all 14 blogger ladies I was hanging out with. You can't do that if you're laying unconscious in a bed. I can sleep when I die.

I've just completed all the stages of Blog Party 2008......Blog Party Buildup, Blog Party Breakdown (trying to decide what to pack and what to buy for blog friends), Blog Party Boom-Shaka-Laka (while partying and shoulder-shaking with blog buds), and finally the last step, Blog Bust (when a weekend with no responsibilities comes to a close and I had to immediately trot off to work as soon as the plane landed).

When I have a spare moment I'll write the requisite Blog Party recap complete with pictures.

Here's some highlights:

1. The Pacific Ocean is nipply cold. I never got the chance to wear my bathing suit. However, one lucky bloggy lady opened the door and saw me in my birthday suit. Her vision is still intact, thankfully.

2. Thanks to Aubrey and Glittersmama I now have the sweetest smelling eyeballs of any blogger you'll ever meet.

3. Nobody bought me lunch and tolerated my endless and inane stories. I am now a believer that there really is such a thing as a free lunch contrary to what others may say. I had the salmon. :)

4. Carrie, Millie and I may be married 30-ish Mormon mommies but we still got what it takes to attract dirty old men who chatted us up about oysters while asking us to bite some seaweed while they took pictures. If you're reading this guys, I hope you aren't still spillin tears in your beer that we didn't make it for Happy Hour at the Cougar Bar. We're not cougars, after all. Nope, we be a hottie trio of MILF's!

5. Carrot Jello didn't throw me out of her van even when I was stomping the floorboard on my imaginary brake pedal. Thanks Carrot! I also got to sit at her computer where she makes all her bloggy magic come to life. *sigh*

I'll see you all later when I'm not out in 95 degree weather working. It was 50-64 degrees in Oregon. Such a contrast to go from sweat-free Blog Princess back to a perspiring and stinky Blog Toad in just a matter of a 4 hour plane trip.

If You Can Value The Worth Of A Person By Their Birthday Gifts Then I'm Exceedingly Valuable!

Unexpected Presents From People Whom I Adore......I'm Not Sure If I'm Deserving Of Such Niceties But I Sure Do Love It!

The talented Melissa from Mejojac's Memos used her phenomenal jewelry making skillz to craft this lovely bracelet and earrings set specifically to match my new dress.

And as if that wasn't enough she fed my sox addiction just a little bit more with this bevy of sock beauties. Thanks Melissa!

Aubrey sent these scrumptious orange gloves just in time because they'll look amazing with the gown I picked out to wear to the Mean Mommy Ball. Gloves are important when reprimanding children, husbands, competitive clearance rack hags who won't shove off even when you subtly elbow them, and annoying dogs that bark all night because they won't leave any tell-tale fingerprint marks. Thanks Aubrey!

My favorite Arizonians of all time Nancy Face and her stunning bride-to-be daughter, Lauren Face sent this happy little(and VERY generous) Target gift card featuring an oozing, slimy blob. That's right, I'm no longer a blogger. I'm a blobber now. Not pictured is the ginormous bag of Skittles also mailed alongside the card.
If you ever need someone to make candy evidence disappear my mini-Infidels can and will get the job done. There's wasn't even a discernible trace of rainbow colored streaks left behind when the mini-Infidels wrapped up 'The Skittles Hit.' Thanks Face Ladies!

Jean Knee proved conclusively the theory I scientifically hypothesized after watching Saturday Night Live......A Party In A Tube Is WAY Better Than A Dick In The Box. Truly.
The best part was the envelope stuffed full of enough funds to pick out any one thing my heart desires at the dollar store. Jean Knee knows and understands the real me. She also sent balloons with a warning that they aren't to be used as contraceptives. I might have read the note a little too late. Ooops. The tube was also jam-packed with lots of polka dot confetti. I opened the tube while sitting on my bed. I'm now sporting an all-over polka dot look for the Summer 2008 season. Thanks Jean Knee!!!

And in Sox-Crazed Maniacs News I thought you all would be interested to note that almost half of us received or gave a variation of the ever popular faux Converse high-top socks as modeled by my daughter. Several received socks that look like cowboy boots and I noticed a LOT of frog motif socks popping up at Sox Exchange participant blogs. At least two people received the exact same pair of pink-striped seahorse socks and another two received knee-high socks with flames on them.

Maybe Alice can work her graph magic and come up with a funny chart for us to signify the final sock duplicate tally. Think about the enormity of the soxy swap situation. The 22 ladies who participated represent different religions, different ages, different geographic locales and yet we all demonstrated a scary sense of like-mindedness when left on our own to blindly pick out socks for our buddy. Weird.

If you haven't received your socks yet, e-mail me and let me know. I had a great time organizing this, ladies. Thanks. It went so smoothly that I'd really like to get a Christmas Ornament Exchange together in November. :)

Thoughtfulness Begets Thoughtfulness....

Life has held some fairly bleak moments for us recently. I'm usually reticent to share too many personal details on my blog.......... especially when it pertains to things going wrong in my life. Let's just shorten a long sob story into the condensed version and say that despite my ingrained stoic nature and stiff upper lip, I completely fell apart on Monday. I made sure to hold on to my woeful blubbering until I was out working and away from my mini-Infidels first. I wanted to be like my namesake, Melissa Manchester, (I'm Melissa but I definitely have more to work with than a Man Chester) and follow her advice of "don't cry out loud, just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings" because I wouldn't want the mini-Infidels thinking their Mom Robot has actual emotions and stuff outside of nagging them. GASP! As I woke up on Tuesday morning, my birthday, I set forth to trod through another long working day of drudgery while fighting that sinking "Spinning Wheels" feeling.......and then something amazing happened.

YOU!
I never expected so many people I've met through the bloggy thing to be so charitable and kind.
Both Carrot Jello and Bee wrote glowing posts dedicated to me for my birthday. That sort of loveliness always makes me sniffle a little.

And then Jean Knee called bright and early just to sing to me and let me know that she sent a hand-painted present that should arrive on the date of my other birthday. See, just a short Mr. Rogers trolley ride away into the Land Of Make-Believe my birthday actually falls on May 22nd.

Carrot Jello called to sing to me too in her very best Ethel Merman voice. She promised that she had just jumped out of a gigantic birthday cake with my name scrawled across it. Millie just "Called To Say, I Love You." No, not really. But she did call to wish me a Happy Birthday.

Tori sent me a really fun birthday card. So did Sodak Angel. Thanks, ladies!

UPDATE:
AUBREY!!!! sent the most delish pair of orange polka-dotted, multi-purpose gloves. I just got them today. Now what to do with them first? Should I garden, wash dishes, slap my kids around with them......Oooooohh, I know, I'm going to blog with them on. THANKS AUBREY!

And now I'd like to return some of the birthday mojo happiness given to me:
You need to go and wish these lovely ladies a Happy Birthday also:
AUBREY (May 22)
SODAK ANGEL (May 22)
NO COOL STORY (May 28)
JEAN KNEE (May 31)

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO COMMENTED YESTERDAY. IT REALLY DID MEAN A LOT TO ME. YOU SINGLE-HANDEDLY PULLED ME OUT OF THE DOLDRUMS SWAMP!
I have to work all day again today but I'll be seeing you all soon. Meanwhile, I dedicate this song to all of you who made me so very happy. :)

BLOOD SWEAT & TEARS- You Made Me So Very Happy

The Green Party Came To The Infidel House This Weekend!

Despite my previous reluctance, we embraced that Green Party and spent the whole weekend delighted by the frivolity of it all. Special thanks to Lauren and Nancy Face, the most dynamic mother-daughter blogging duo to ever come out of Arizona, for sending us this fantastical package that contained everything we needed to start our own Green Party chapter. (Frumpy Ralph Nader not included)
It's obvious that the Faces wanted to make sure us Infidels will have enough green on-hand to stay pinch-free come St. Patrick's Day. We really appreciate that. It's also obvious that they desire for us to freshen up our breath and rid ourselves of the shameful stench of B.O. via the scented soapiness of Irish Spring and minty fresh candies and gum. We really appreciate that, too. A more perfect green-themed party package could never be found......unless it's a package stuffed full of greenbacks!

Thanks, Ladies!

You look like you need a dose of green. Help me to help you. Clickety on this nice green banner and I get to ascend the ranks at humor-blogs.com and you get a little green action and satisfaction. You do know what they say about green, don't you?

Sweet Dreams Are NOT Made Of These! (Who Are You To Disagree?)

One week has already trickled past since my triumphant return from the great Colorado Bloggy Sistah Expedition of 2007. I didn't mention it before-hand while writing up all the details of our weekend hootenanny, but I experienced a strangely vivid dream about traveling to Colorado an entire week before Annie and Carrie called to invite me. Yes, I really did. I woke up snickering and thinking, "That's crazy. I never go anywhere, let alone dropping all my responsibilities to jet off to a state I've never been to, to meet women I've never met before." Eerily enough, true to the consistently pre-cognitive nature of my night time visions, things materialized in real life as they had unfolded in the dream.

Stephenie Meyer, author of the phenomenal Twilight Trilogy, wrote the first book based solely on a dream she had. Encouraged, I thought, "If only I could just concentrate and remember the stuff in my dreams with more detail, then maybe I can sell a lot of books and make a lot of money too."
It's disturbing, but I can't seem to stop dreaming about all my new blog friends turned real life friends. It's starting to creep me out. For instance, last night I dreamed of the whole lot of us taking a hay ride, pulled by a tractor, through a small town. It stopped at a little shopping mall and we all piled out to go inside. I noticed the three screen movie theater immediately and noted that the marquee showed movies entitled 'Infidel 1,' Infidel 2', and 'Infidel 3.' I excitedly remarked to NCS that I didn't know there was an Infidel movie series. Then Annie, NCS, and I wandered into a shop that specialized in Mexican candies and treats, and one whole wall exhibited an astonishingly colossal assortment of cotton candy flavors. We walked over and saw they had Golden Turkey Cotton Candy, which was sold out, and Carrot Cotton Candy. I'm assuming that the Carrot Cotton Candy tasted like a vegetable and not, in fact, like Carrot Jello. Earlier in the week, I dreamt of Carrie and the gang all gathered together at the hotel when a suspicious looking fellow with a large metal hook for a hand checked in. Later that night, I nervously asked Carrie if that was such a good idea to let him stay there and she erupted with a mischievous chuckle as she told me that she switched his hook hand for a harmless plastic hanger. Relieved, I went to sleep, only to wake up to blood-curdling screams as the man desperately tried to make Carrie part of his hook-handed urban legend, but was instead slashing the air with his new plastic hanger appendage in futile frustration.

It scared the crap out of me. My kids broke out laughing when I told them about it. My kids are weird.So there you have it. What say you? Do you think I can transform stomach-churning Cotton Candy flavors and tales of plastic hanger-handed serial killers into a best-selling literary series? Can I count on your support?

The Smiling Infidel Gets Rocky Mountain High!

I finally have a few minutes to put together pictures from the grand Colorado Bloggy soiree this past weekend. Nobody likes to read a lot of blah blah, so I'll just let the pictures do the talking.

This is me and Aubrey giving up some Cheese! at the Cheesecake Factory. Yeah, I know, Aubrey's flawless and thin, and didn't spill a drop of food on her gorgeous white tunic shirt either. Could I have positioned myself beside a bigger contrast? Likely not. We met Amber That Crazy Bloggin Canuck and Aubrey for lunch right after our Denver arrival. We engaged in noshing and loads of light-minded laughter.

Annie deftly and swiftly maneuvered our mini-van chariot through treacherous mountain tunnels and roads.......make that roads that descended straight down into the canyon abyss without concrete barriers. Was I nervous? Naaaahhh. We stayed at the fabulously elegant Glenwood Suites courtesy of Carrie(Carronin) and her man, El Jefe. We also Came & Went from the Kum & Go next door and didn't make any crude jokes about it. At all.

Here's a segment of random titillation (I said Tit!) for the men out there who fantasize about having a bevy of beautiful bloggers sprawled out across their bed. Not only did we party with Jim Gaffigan, but we partied in our THONGS! Oh yes, we did. And then I picked up Jim and took him home with me. Luckily, Papi doesn't seem to mind sharing our happy home with a white man.

Carrot and I shared a king-sized bed together without anyone else clamoring for our nocturnal company. Why? Well, because we're the only two that ate chili cheese dogs and I suspect that nobody wanted to spend the night with a coney addict. That's okay. We had each other, and our very own Restricted Access Chili Dog Chick Room.

Suzanne and Tori surprised us all by secretly bringing our Millie Chicken to town! Sneaky Utah people..... Yay! Here we are surrounding Mike The Headless Chicken like his very own Harem Of Hens. Millie and Tori do a hot and spicy battle in an epic War Of The Asses. Tori? The Smart Ass? Who would have ever thought?

We all got in touch with our inner shadow people and had lunch at Annie's house complete with onion rings courtesy of the fabulous Rug's Bug. Annie and Carrie's dad, Big Rich, made my day by telling me he's a huge fan of The Smiling Infidel. Then, their mom said that 'I brought much joy to their lives.' I want that stitched onto a sampler. I got to share my 'Newspaper Carrier Greatest Hits' with Rug's Bug and her husband because I knew that we all understand completely the life and times of a paper slinger, both past and present. I loved getting to meet all the kids and spouses. Loved it! Annie's Secret Agent Man is funny and hawt. No wonder she doesn't reveal his identity on her blog. I also got to see Annie's computer room where all the magic happens.

Yeah, I went up, up, and away in one of those cable gondola thingies, all the while nervously calculating how much we all weighed against the 1,000 pound weight limit. We were a movin on up.......movin on up......to the top! While eating at the mountain top restaurant, Carrie and I solidified our titles as Queens Of Inappropriate Dinner Conversation. Yay us! Think Sex And The City:The Mormon Lite Version. If you ever want to know about the risque hidden meanings to popular songs, just ask Sodak Angel, Carrie, or myself. We know everything.

And then we embarked on a cave tour where all the formations had food names like 'Cave Bacon,' and 'Drinking Straws.' Sodak Angel and I saw things quite differently, though. Fun With Phonics? No, not us. Fun With Phallics? You got it! Carrot was the star of the tour, overshadowing our sweet Natalie Portman look-alike guide with her humour and picking up new people around us to add to our entourage. I have pictures but they haven't been modified to protect the innocent yet.

That vixenish Annie was the only one to manage getting a big screw the whole weekend.

Here's a closeup of my now notorious Pink FIFI bag. We had a big gift exchange too. Well, instead of parting gifts, I got farting gifts. Sodak Angel and Carrot Jello know me all too well!

Have you ever spent an entire weekend surrounded by people who lavish compliments and undeserved praise on you while simultaneously making you snort with laughter? I just did. My girls asked me about my trip and I've started referring to it as the 'ME TOO!' experience because I had so much in common with so many of these ladies, every conversation turned into me saying 'ME TOO!' The best part though, was coming home to my six kids who actually missed me....and showed how much they missed me by the mountainous clothes pile stacked and waiting for me in the laundry room. Papi missed me so much, he endured over an hour of hearing every minute detail of the weekend.

Thank you so much Annie and Carrie for providing us with a place to meet and frolic and wet our pants from laughing so hard. Okay, maybe only one of us wet our pants from laughing so hard. I always bring extra undies in case of unforeseen events. I love all of you people in ways that I never imagined I could before. Thanks for the memories. In Carrot's case......FRANKS for the memories!

Wow, That Smiling Infidel Chick Is Really Workin It!

Complete and total exhaustion always signifies a great vacation! I stepped off the plane from Colorado yesterday and plunged right back into my little world of late paycheck stress, bills, and work. Ahhh, how I loved the blissful weekend escape with all my bloggy sisters. Thanks Annie And Carrie!

Contrary to the sign, I'm not a man at work at all. No, I'm more like a working girl. Well, not an actual, you know, working girl. More like a Mistress Of Manual Labor. I'm on my way to work right now but I wanted to post something lest anyone thinks that Annie and Carrie kidnapped me and made me an honorary Colorado sister. How I wish! Read you all later.

This Weekend I Will Finally Prove That My Elvis-Like Sideburns Are Real And Not Sideburn Toupees!

Have you heard? I'm going to be getting high this weekend. Yeah, really high. Really, really high. Don't worry, other people will be there getting high too.......Rocky Mountain High, that is!
Yes, The Smiling Infidel is boldly going where she's never gone before. I hope the fine citizens of Colorado are prepped and ready for the Bloggy Women Invasion of 2007!

I've been practicing all my best John Denver moves in preparation for the trip. You should see the routine I choreographed to 'Sunshine On My Shoulders.' It would make you weep. WEEP, I tell you! I was a little disappointed to find out that Bob Denver a.k.a Gilligan doesn't actually live in Denver. Apparently, he's not living..... at all.I've fretted about, wondering what to wear for a seeming eternity. And then, it dawned on me, I already have the super official Mork Rainbow Suspenders from The Mork And Mindy Fan Club, and they did live in the state of Colorado, so it must be acceptable attire there, right? So, I'm going to dress like Mork all this weekend. (Hairy Chest And Feathered Wings Hair Not Included)

I'm very much looking forward to the Coors Brewery Tour too. What? Didn't somebody schedule us in for the Special LDS Women Factory Tour? Maybe they'd rather take their chances with a bunch of drunks than us rowdy chicks!

And finally, I plan on really taking the bull by the balls horns this weekend by trying out a little Colorado cuisine........
And chicken dancing with the famed Mike The Headless Chicken of Fruita, Colorado. He was even once an esteemed Presidential candidate.
And here's where I name names. I'll be getting high with a little help from these friends:

The fantastic Colorado sisters who organized this......Miss Hot Fruita Mom Annie and Carronin!

Amber That Crazy Bloggin Canuck

Carrot Jello

No Cool Story

Aubrey

Suzanne

Tori

Sodak Angel

And we'll all be missing Millie Chicken terribly, who's currently incapacitated with her broken chicken foot. :(

I won't be around 'Til Tuesday. Yeah, like the group. So, um, shush, keep it down now, Voice Carry! Later.