Friday, August 25, 2006

Do Loose Lips Really Sink Ships?

Mine don't!

As you all well know, I lead a double life. I am also known as, Infidel:Mistress Of The Night, due to my occupation as an "Independent Contractor".

Daytime proves difficult for me to stay awake and alert. Often, I blog while my kids practice reading out loud, just to keep my borderline attention deficit mind focused. The more gregarious side of me emerges in the wee hours of the night.

So, I've forged friendships with many like minded people toiling during the graveyard shift too. I have Barbara at Exxon, Matzo Man and June at Krogers, Gus the overnight delivery guy, and my bald little Police Officer friend, I'll call, "Bubba".

I keep Bubba plied with a complimentary newspaper every day, and extra coupons on Sunday for his wife. In turn, he looks the other way as I careen around corners, run stop signs, and terrorize the neighborhood animals. Actually, I just stop to converse with the animals in the street using my annoying, high pitched faux British accent, and they usually scamper away frightened beyond belief. Dr. Dolittle, I ain't. Bubba and I laugh, we talk, we gossip, and I pinpoint him to neighborhood trouble. I'll tell him where I see raucous parties, and he keeps the drunken, pain in the ass teenagers out of my way. It's a beautiful symbiotic relationship.

Papi's always telling me that I need to stop lingering to talk so much. He says, "Just get your work done, girlie, and come home". Well, today, he had to eat his words because sweet vindication is mine.

Running late for work, Papi hurriedly flew out of the house this morning, forgetting to take even his wallet with him. Twenty minutes later, he called me all sheepish and embarrassed. He had been stopped for speeding and needed me to give him his license information. A few more minutes passed, and then Papi called me back. Turns out the officer who pulled him over was none other than my Bubba. After figuring out that Papi is indeed the husband of the chatty newspaper lady in the red truck, Bubba didn't write him a citation, telling him, "I'm only letting you go because I'm friends with your wife". SCORE!

My incessant middle of the night banter has led to the generous offer of seedy buns by Matzo Man, free hot chocolate from Barbara, and now curried favor with one of Houston Police Dept.'s Finest. HA! My blah blah saved Papi's butt. I kept him afloat. Maybe, I'm actually living up to my reputation as a "dinghy" wife, and it's not such a bad thing after all!

20 comments:

the flying monkeys said...

Dinghy wife sailing in a dinghy! Looking for a boat are you? I would rather hand dinghy over to the Police.

the flying monkeys said...

think i prefer mistress of the night to honeybee

the flying monkeys said...

and have changed your the smiling infidel on "my" blog to that

mullet said...

did you ever cross paths again with that stalker guy at the garage?

the flying monkeys said...

am the latest stalker in town...i need directions to the Krogers...Matzo man has retired...lol

omar said...

You're a snitch for the cops!

Must go change my blog address...

tom said...

Dont cops snitch on other cops?

jams o donnell said...

that's Internal Affairs, Tom! Nice result elasticwaistbandlady.. It all goes to prove that silence is not always golden, eh!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Mistress of the Night, could allay to some untrue connotations. My Dad once called my Mom a "woman of the flesh", and it stuck. They're divorced, by the way.

mullet, School is in session and Matzo Man appears to be occupied at his other job, teaching, thankfully. I can once more roam the aisles of Kroger's unfettered in my endless search for marked down groceries.

woo woo? I've never encountered an Internet stalker before. Must be my alluring screen picture. No man can resist Kandoo the frog.

omar, was that you in a drunken frenzy trying to toilet paper my house and leave a burning bag of crap on my doorstep? You're so busted! Bubba's on his way for you.

Words to live by, jams. That may become my new motto right along with, "Panza llena, corazon contento". Full belly, happy heart. I learned that at Pancho's Mexican Buffet. :)

Mimo said...

Very impressive! I hope that you are gloating and rubbing it in for all you can get! :)

Elizabeth-W said...

You are gonna have mileage for months if not years on that one. Poor Papi...

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

Well, well, well. So we've perfected the fine art of KISSING BUTT.

Newspapers... suuuuurrre.....

the flying monkeys said...

honeybee,

any news on carrot?

the flying monkeys said...

i wonder what your wife will think when she reads this "honeybee"

or is it the not wife?

better watch my back

compulsive writer said...

Way to go! And that reminds me of one of my favorite jokes:

A woman was traveling across Texas when she got pulled over for speeding.

The officer approached the car and asked for her license and registration. Trying to talk her way out of a ticket she joked, "I just gave $50 to the Policeman's ball! Doesn't that count for anything anymore?"

Well, the trooper straightened his belt and stood real tall and replied, "I'm a State Trooper, ma'm. We don't have balls."

She was quickly given a verbal warning and sent on her way.

tom said...

Not a devils advocate, but if you hurry there is a photo of my dad (woo woo) here if that will be of any use to Bubba.

But let me warn you: Woo Woo's expert at delivering well-timed dragon punches. Have you seen Street Fighter II?

tom said...

One more thing:

Woo woo's fart attack is one of great power. His butt sticks halfway out of his pants. I am praying to God that he does not grab Bubba. For if he does, Bubba will be devastated by a gas attack so so powerful.

christo said...

I first saw dinghy as dingy.

I'm old!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

elizabeth and mimo, Rubbing it in? That's so very uncharacteristic of modest me. HAHAHA! You guys know me pretty well, don't you?

Millie, How DARE you impugn my chastity and good name, ma'am. Care to step outside? We'll settle this the old fashioned way with a polka dance marathon.

christo, Dingy is how my house is starting to look, courtesy of the half-dozen, destructive child decorating plan. In your face, Martha Stewart! Dinghy, or ditzy, is an apt description of me. Only during the daylight hours though when I'm still recuperating from working at night.

Julie said...

Suh-weet! Always good to have something to tease the hubby about.