Friday, December 08, 2006

It's A Dead Man's Party!

Click On The Title. I Dare You.......
Despite the gaily festive lights and wreath adorning this Colonial style building, its primary function is one of somber ceremony. Indeed, every day of my young life I deliver a newspaper under the porte cochere (Ummm, you know, the covered carport thingie) at this Funeral Home. Yes, Funeral Home.

When I'm driving through here, in the middle of the "Silent Night", alone, I often ask myself, Holy Crap! "Do You Hear What I Hear?" The very worst thing possible in these circumstances is to sing a slaying song tonight, and if I ever see something in that front window, "Rocking Around The Christmas Tree" I will probably shat my pants. Their Crematorium staff can always be heard humming a little tune about something "Roasting On An Open Fire", and the day they had an explosion and ashen flakes went swirling about through the air, one employee gleefully yelled, "It's going to be a 'White Christmas', after all!" The guy in charge of the body coolers is nicknamed, "Frosty", and remember that poor stricken "Grandma that Got Run Over By A Reindeer?" This Funeral Home received her burial account bringing much publicity to the once humble operation. Yep, those ain't "Silver Bells" you hear jingling from their main office. KA-CHING!

My Mom didn't give me a lot of useful advice in my childhood, but one thing she always screamed at me has permanently resonated in my mind. "TURN THAT MUSIC DOWN, OR YOU'LL WAKE THE DEAD!" I'm not an obedient child, past or present, but I do flip the radio off when cruising by the Funeral Home in the morning. The last thing I want to do is wake the dead. :o


elasticwaistbandlady said...

Honestly, when I stopped to take this picture, I saw a huge shadow looming over me and my truck. It just kept getting closer, and darker. I nearly screamed like a little girl. Then, right when my heart stopped beating, I looked up and saw it was only the shadow of the giant American flag they have hanging in the front.

I'm a dork.

Radioactive Jam said...

Hey no shame in that looming shadow thing. I scream like a little girl all the--
Erm. Never mind.

"Frosty." Bwahahaha!

Mimo said...

This is clever! I'm not scared, I sewed caskets for 5 years, the only ones that bothered me were the infant ones.
But maybe the shaddow would scare me ;)

No Cool Story said...

I was so scared to click on the title. I took a walk, breathed deeply, counted to ten and then I clicked. All I can say is I could have gone all my life without remembering that ;)

"It's going to be a 'White Christmas', after all!"
FA la la la la la
Bless us everyone!

But the scary shadow of course.

No Cool Story said...


I know! they are totally messing me up. I'm listening to Ethel instead, the only downside is they don't edit their songs.
I weep with you EWBL.

Anonymous said...

dead people smell funny...

jams o donnell said...

Ah the mind does play some horrendous trick. doesn't it?.. Gah have you gotten me speechles again!!!

I wonder what other carols are changed by waggish crematrium staff?

God rest ye merry corpse of men
let nothing ye not slay...

Oh Funeral Home in Houston Town
how still your patrons lie...

Hmm I will never make my fortune writing rhymes for Hallmark!

A Payne said...

Our neighborhood is right next to the cemetary. The house that was built right up against it, opted not to put windows on the second story so to not look out over the cemetary.
I don't mind the proximity to the cemetary. I think it will be nice to be buried so close to my family home.

carronin said...

" don't runaway it's only me." I love, love, love, Oingo Biongo.

This is the best time of the year for paper carriers. I hope you get lots-n-lots of tip money.

Elizabeth-W said...

Every time I listen/watch Nightmare Before Christmas (any of Danny's stuff), I'm always amazed that he sold out! :) Although, by the time they made Dead Man's Party, they were on their way out, anyway...

elasticwaistbandlady said...

RAJ- No "Rudolph." Bwahahaha!

mimo- I use a paper as a weapon and I'm pretty lethal. However, not lethal enough to stop the living dead!

NCS- That is the coolest parentheses face yet. Let me try... >:) No. I'm not as cool as you because my little guy is wicked and happy about it. I'm seriously missing UPOP. Just 2 more weeks until the return!

anonymous- Not if they use Arrid Extra Dry Deodorant. Gah, don't they have advertising in the underworld?

jams- Okay, those are all good and everything but I was going to write something about how they saw "Mommy Kissing Santa Claus", and had to ring her up on charges of necrophilia, and why can't she just let the poor shopping center Santa rest in peace. Good taste ruled it out though. :(

A Payne- My Great-Grandmother had a house that the kitchen window looked over the cemetery. My Mom said that she could see the headstone of her infant son and it drove her crazy so my Grandpa had to finally move the family elsewhere.

carronin- That eerie paper connection thing is happening again! I am going to blog about tip season, "It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year!"

elizabeth- I think Danny Elfman was rather hot back in the day! Yeah, once they started on the movie soundtracks for Weird Science and Back To School, their underground "hipster" reputation was pretty much ruined. I do like his musical scores though.