Thursday, December 21, 2006

A New Meaning To Tip Sheets!

You know how the PBS stations keep you abreast of progress made during their annual, semi-annual, monthly, weekly, seemingly daily Pledge Drives, right? It's usually a big freakin deal with lots of hoopla and machine manufactured bubbles floating around. "Tiny Bubbles" for Don Ho and bigger ones for Lawrence Welk. Man, that dude had some BIG bubbles! It's time for an update on The 2006 Infidel Newspaper Carrier Donation Drive. Brought to you without any bubble interruptions or gagarific PBS styled Peter, Paul, and Mary music.
So far I've received almost 100 envelopes containing a various assortment of cash, checks, and gift cards. All totaled I have a subscriber base of nearly 700 customers so I'm rapidly closing in on a 15 percent response mark which ain't too shabby.

I'm obsessive compulsive about the tips too. I keep a notebook where I chronicle the days haul by dividing it into sections by date, last name, address, amount given, and then I make small notes detailing whether or not they wished me a Merry Christmas, or if they sent a particularly lovely card. That way I have everything in order when I make my deposit slips and a nice detailed account for writing out my thank you notes without having to pilfer through an entire envelope stack. I have a system. A very anal retentive system.

Papi's new daily ritual involves excitedly asking me at the tallying up conclusion how much I got, and what that brings the grand total to. When I revealed my booty today, (hee hee 'BOOTY') he rubbed his hands together with apopletic glee, and I swear he licked his lips. So I casually told him that we could always re-enact that classic movie scene between Woody Harrelson and Demi Moore in "Indecent Proposal" where they roll around passionately on a bed filled with the million dollars in small unmarked bills that Demi 'earned' from getting it on with Robert Redford. Sweet. I grabbed up the envelopes and gift cards in preparation to spread it around the bed with reckless abandon but Papi only looked at me while shaking his head NO. I bet he would have done it if it had all been in cash. What a snob. Like, a few Target gift cards stuck to your butt never killed anybody.

13 comments:

jams o donnell said...

You said booty, huh huh huh huh (trying on his best Beavis!) Seriously I am so glad the extortion has been successful, here's hoping you get more cash out of your customers!!

Have a great xmas ewbl!

Carrotjello said...

Wow, sounds like I need to get into the newspaper business! In regards to your husband, I'm sure he was thinking you'd lay down upon the money, then pass gas upon it. That's probably why he turned you down. Money's dirty enough as it is...
J.K.

Elizabeth-W said...

Carrot!!! LOL! Seriously, do you have to claim that money on taxes? I'm just curious.
"or whether they sent a particularly lovely card"--what is the mark in your book for that--like a scale from one to 10? :)

Lianne said...

I want tips. I want them now.

It's beginning to look like I'm not even getting a Christmas bonus this year... waaaaaaah. Last year they gave me $500! and this year, nuttin!

Suzanne said...

How fun! I love getting all those Christmas "extras." I'm like you about being anal about getting things organized into specific categories. It's worth it in the end though.

Have a Merry Christmas! :D

A Payne said...

S.A.M used to get excited about my eBay earnings. He likes to brag about my ability to turn a profit on the crapola I find at the FruitaThrift.

carronin said...

WOW! 700 customers I only has about 350 you're a super paper lady.How long does it take to do your route? Do you do it everyday?

No Cool Story said...

Way to go, go you. Those people are lucky to have you. May your coffer be filled with plenty o’riches and well deserved glory.

I hope my newspaper guy doesn’t keep an anal notebook like you, I'm really hoping. If he does, I know I got minus points :(

That proposal to your Papi was indeed very indecent, forget the gift cars, what about the coins? the coins EBWL!
700 costumers, wow, no wonder you don't have time to wrap your presents and need kidnapped slave labor to do it for you.

Mimo said...

Glad your customers are so generous. This year my dh's boss pulled a Scrooge and for the first time in 15 years he stiffed everyone out of their bonus :( Way to pee on Christmas.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

jams- I'm all about the money jams!

carrot jello- You know me too well, my friend!

elizabeth- Why? Are you going to report me to the IRS? I make note of the cards so that when I write a thank you note I comment on it. I also make note of Christmas greetings so I know whether or not to wish them a merry Christmas.

lianne- One year I got a basket full of expired jelly and a canned ham for Christmas at work. I hate this job with a passion but at least the once a year benefits rock.

suzanne- I'm crazy but its an organized kind of crazy.

a payne- I have a sows ear. Can you do anything with it?

carronin- I am woman hear me ROAR. I am definitely too BIG to IGNORE! Yes, 700 papers everyday. I roll as I drive though so it cuts down on warehouse time and how many times the paper is handled before delivery thus cutting my working hours drastically. We get paid by the paper not by the hour so it behooves the carrier to figure out a way to shave minutes off their route times.

NCS- I'm very close to wrapping up everything thats left in trash bags to lessen my burden. White Trash Bible Handbook Tip Number #256 right ahead of making curtains from beer tab rings.

mimo- What's the deal yo? Almost everyone I know has the same story about Scroogey bosses. Didn't they ever watch National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation? Do they not fear reprisal from their hard working employees? Do they not fear the wrath of Randy Quaid and his kidnapping skills? *shudder*

Rhonda said...

WOW! Maybe I need a paper route. I had no idea you were supposed to tip your carriers. (Don't worry, I don't get the paper, so I didn't stiff anyone.)

compulsive writer said...

Better Target than Wal-Mart anyway.

on.the.run said...

I agree with complusive writer...

BTW I am totally impressed with you organization, I guess you have to be with such a large gang!