Sunday, December 31, 2006

What I Did On My Christmas Vacation Part One

I'm breaking this down No Cool Story random style!

My oldest daughter, Sunbum, keeps getting asked by other girls at Church if she's "EMO." She does indeed wear her hair over one squinty eye, she likes Fall Out Boy, and openly despises bubbleheaded fakey people. Papi has taken to calling her EMO EMU which she doesn't quite appreciate either. So, Santa left this little beauty in her stocking with a note that said, "For the good little EMO girl on my list- a white belt to make your wardrobe complete!"

So, we're waiting behind a lady at Target processing her 351 Christmas card photos on the Kodak computers when she types her name, "SHARON BOX," into the onscreen order form. Before I could stop him, my oldest son asked her if her husband's name was Jack. Yes, we just met Mrs. Jack In The Box!

My 5 year old son kept calling her "Chicken Patty!" during our annual viewing of Charlie Brown's Christmas Special. She's definitely a white meat patty with some fillers added and a plethora of preservatives. That girl is what, 50 years old by now, and she still looks like a child??!!???

We passed one of those calendar kiosks at the mall and the amazing color photographs of the all new Outhouse Calendar for 2006 really churned up some major excitement within me. I already subscribe to "Outdoor Crapper Monthly," and their December centerfold featuring a rare two seater privy with golden fixtures was truly stunning. I'm not ashamed to admit that I don't buy that publication just for the articles. I can't wait to see what fabulous outhouse pic will represent my birthmonth of May!

I wrote a Christmas skit this year that we performed at Church for our Ward Christmas Party. My Papi, usually loathe to participate in our skit madness, joined in too. While our daughter Natalie (so named after the infamous Thoroughly Mormon Millie) held up the famed "burrito stick" with a tethered frozen burrito dangling down, Papi and I waltzed our way underneath it as our kids sang with gusto, "I saw Mommy kissing PANCHO CLAUS underneath the BEAN BURRITO last night!" Then, I ceremoniously dipped Papi backwards and smooched him to a rousing chorus of applause. Papi had to wear a sombrero lined in pink and he kept calling it the "gay sombrero of doom," so I appreciate him showcasing himself in the gay sombrero for all at Church to see......and laugh at.

7 comments:

Carrotjello said...

Wow, sounds like there could be awards in the future for your writing skills. I had a funny dream about you the other night. I dreamt that I realized my husband was married to you. I was shocked, and told him that if he was indeed married to you, we shouldn't be doing the things we've been doing, and I encouraged him to go back to you. I also told him that if he wanted to be with me, he needed to tell you. I said "Besides, I think she likes Papi better anyway." Heehee. I think about you too much.

omar said...

Let's say I didn't know what "EMO" means... how would you respond to that?

Ha, Chicken Patty.

No Cool Story said...

*Wiping teary eye*
You have made me proud EWBL, oh so proud.

I have forwarded Emo Emu to Fashionista, she loves it.

When will you stop teasing me and driving me insane (I'm not dreaming of you yet, like Carrot is) writing about your World Famous Infidel Christmas skit? When I come to Texas I have to see this, I just have to!
PLEASE! tell me someone recorded this with one of those new fangled inventions...make my dream come true for 2007 EWBL!

Omar: The best definition form Urban Dictionary is "Emo, Like a Goth, only much less dark and much more Harry Potter.
-My life sucks, I want to cry.-"
Hence the teary Emu. And the stripy Emu clothing.

carronin said...

Outhouse calendar that rocks!! What will they come up with next latrines from around the world?

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

Wow. Just - wow. You are so amazing. I love the outhouse calendar. Outhouse humor just never gets old.

The image of you dipping Papi and the gay sombrero of doom made my heart go pitter pat.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

carrotjello- Sounds like a typical pregnancy dream to me. I dreamed about having kittens in the garage that I forgot to feed the entire duration of each of my pregnancies. How weird is that? Your man doesn't have a big nose and black hair, so he's safe from my clutches!

Omar- EMO is an abbreviation for "emotional." It's a genre of music and fashion typified by moody young adults and pre-teens. Think Whitney Houston and her "I get so emotional baby." refrain. You probably know a couple hundred on your college campus but because they never look anybody in the eye and they wear all black, you just didn't notice them.

NCS- Urban Dictionary is the shiznit! True Dat! No, nobody has ever recorded my many masterpieces, although the one I wrote for our big homeschooling conference in August has garnered enough attention that the National Director has asked us to perform it again so that she can videotape it. Meanwhile, wanna hear my kids sing really horribly off key with the homeschool choir? Here it is! Make sure your ear guards are firmly in place first as I can't be held responsible for any auditory damage done. Two of my kids are in this frame but the guy taping cut out my other two. Too bad they didn't cut the sound. :)

carronin- Funny you should say that as I passed a booth called "Sausages From Around the World" at the State Fair. I mentioned that they should have a "Toilets From Around The World" booth set up next to it. This is one of my absolute favorite sites from a guy who travels for business and has documented facilities the world over. TOILETS AROUND THE WORLD!

millie- He even raised up one leg per romantic movie tradition. Makes you want to run out and buy a frozen burrito this very second, doesn't it?

jams o donnell said...

Hey you've had a full toilet,,, sorry Xmas. I am fixated by teh Outhouse calenda and I resolve to get hold of one for 2008. Brilliant pics at toilets around the world. II've sat at teh Roman ones at Vercovium aka Housesteads on Hadrian's Wall (one of my favourite places in England)