No Cool Story foolishly thinks that she's cornered the market on sweater ugliness, but, oh no, contraire mon fraire! No Cool Story wants a challenge? I got three words for her. BRING. IT. ON. My 55 year old Mom assumes that since we're both plus sized lovelies that we must share the same taste in clothing. She assumed wrong. All of these sweater tragedies were bequeathed to me when she cleaned out her closet last year, and I haven't the heart to mock her......to her face, anyway. Not many people can pull off the hideous sweater look, and I'm no exception.
This combined with a fright wig and rubbery old hag mask was all I needed to terrorize the young trick-or-treaters this year. I reminded them of their cackling and sinister elementary school Principal who has a fugly sweater vest to match every holiday. Good. That meant an overabundance of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups left over at the end of the night. I heard a chorus of BOOS the one and only Halloween I donned this sweater treasure and it wasn't coming from ghosts either. Sometimes, seeing dead people is preferable to seeing live people. Dead people are less cruel and less fashion savvy.
Santa Claus Is Comiiiiing To TOOOOOOWWWWNN........to ridicule my festive hand me down sweater, no doubt. Yes, he's knows when I've been sleeping, and he knows when I'm awake, and he told me to burn this crappy sweater by the time he comes round next year. For goodness sake!
I'm Lastic the sailor (wo)man, I've never used a bed pan. I'm snarky to the finish cuz I eats me biatch spinach. Yes, I'm Lastic the sailor (wo)man. Toot! Toot! Can you guess where that happy little Toot! sound effect emanates from? When I wear my nautical sweater, you should all address me as Admiral Infidel and refrain from telling any Captain's Log jokes. That would be one of my seafaring duties. ARRRR, matey!