Thursday, January 04, 2007

Oh, The Sweater Outside Is Frightful And The Sweater Inside Is Not Most Delightful

No Cool Story foolishly thinks that she's cornered the market on sweater ugliness, but, oh no, contraire mon fraire! No Cool Story wants a challenge? I got three words for her. BRING. IT. ON. My 55 year old Mom assumes that since we're both plus sized lovelies that we must share the same taste in clothing. She assumed wrong. All of these sweater tragedies were bequeathed to me when she cleaned out her closet last year, and I haven't the heart to mock her face, anyway. Not many people can pull off the hideous sweater look, and I'm no exception.

This combined with a fright wig and rubbery old hag mask was all I needed to terrorize the young trick-or-treaters this year. I reminded them of their cackling and sinister elementary school Principal who has a fugly sweater vest to match every holiday. Good. That meant an overabundance of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups left over at the end of the night. I heard a chorus of BOOS the one and only Halloween I donned this sweater treasure and it wasn't coming from ghosts either. Sometimes, seeing dead people is preferable to seeing live people. Dead people are less cruel and less fashion savvy.

Santa Claus Is Comiiiiing To ridicule my festive hand me down sweater, no doubt. Yes, he's knows when I've been sleeping, and he knows when I'm awake, and he told me to burn this crappy sweater by the time he comes round next year. For goodness sake!

I'm Lastic the sailor (wo)man, I've never used a bed pan. I'm snarky to the finish cuz I eats me biatch spinach. Yes, I'm Lastic the sailor (wo)man. Toot! Toot! Can you guess where that happy little Toot! sound effect emanates from? When I wear my nautical sweater, you should all address me as Admiral Infidel and refrain from telling any Captain's Log jokes. That would be one of my seafaring duties. ARRRR, matey!


No Cool Story said...

I give up, and giving into your fugly sweater collection (he he, I say fugly too).
And here I thought no one under the age of 50 wore those Christmas sweaters.

Look at your nautical sweater! who knew you could look so marine while on dry land? aaahhh, it makes me think of the ocean…no, not really.

You did god Elastic. I will never doubt your taste –or your mom’s- again.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

Horrible! HORRIBLE! Sweaters like that should be endangered on purpose. My mom assumes the same thing - except she's worse because she keeps the cute stuff I actually would wear and gives me her old lady leftovers.

Elizabeth-W said...

I guess the good thing about living in Houston is that you don't have to wear them too much of the year. :)
And yes, I CAN guess where that happy toot came from.

carronin said...

Find an elementary school teacher to give those sweaters to, they love holiday theme clothing.Congratulations, I would say you and your mom have won the fugly sweater contest.

Suzanne said...

LOL EWBL!!! You are so clever with your rhyming! I get the Halloween and Christmas one, but the Nautical one? Who would wear a sweater out on a boat? Is it to be worn on land so people just know you have/want a boat?

Thanks for playing! :)

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Do you guys hear that???!??? Do you hear the chorus of QUEEN belting out "Lastic's The Champion! Lastic's The Champion....Of The Ugly Sweater World!"

NCS- When I slap my fat stretchmarked belly it gets all ripply like ocean waves. Ironic that the sweater covers up my natural oceanic details, isn't it?

Millie- My Mom's closet is safe from any clothes raids from me. I don't think she owns a single stitch of clothing that I covet. That all may change one day though if the Koret or Sag Harbor Angel comes and smacks me upside the head.

elizabeth- I TOOT in your general direction.

carronin- I always thought that the taste of victory would feel sweeter than this. :(

suzanne- I'm waiting for the Captain from Captain and Tennille to dump that hussy Toni and make me his first mate. The sweater is only the first step. I also know all the words to Muskrat Love and I can swab a poop deck like nobody else this side of Long John Silver's.

omar said...

Yeah, those are... something. Especially the Christmas one. Yeah. said...

Those are totally teacher sweaters, do you wear them when you home school your kids?

Rhonda said...

LOL...those are glorious!

jams o donnell said...

I too think those swaters are glorious. THey are a treasure and should either be worn with pride or given prominent display in a museum of national treasures!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Omar- So you really like them? Guess what you're getting for your Groundhogs Day gift from me this year!

on the run- No, just no. I am a nerd but I'm a nerd with certain fashion standards.

rhonda- Are you coveting my sweaters? Coveting is breaking a commandment, you know. Do you really want to go to Hell because you love my sweaters and want to make them your own?

jams- I'm looking for a local chapter of "Bad Sweaters Anonymous," so I can commiserate with my fellow sweater afflicted peoples.

Theoretical Grammatarian said...

Those are sweaters you have there. I can only imagine that Papi can barely restrain himself when you wear those smokin' hot cotton confections of steamy knitted sultriness! It's certainly one way to get your man to beg you to get naked!
My mom has never inflicted a themed holiday sweater on me, though my grandmother, with whom I lived as an awkward and self-conscious teen, did try to dress me in the same puff paint, lace-collared puce sweatshirts with hummingbirds and fuscias on them that she wore. What could be cooler in Middle School than dressing like Gramma?

wendela said...

Absolutely elementary school teacher sweaters. My girls went to a party over the holidays, an UGLY CHRISTMAS SWEATER PARTY. The kids (guys and girls both) were checking out the local thrift stores for some acrylic blend red and green goodness to wear to the event. Wish I'd known we had a resource in you!

Suzy said...

Just remember my 12 Sweaters of Christmas contest at the end of 2008 and enter your Xmas one. Great prizes and as of today, I think you have a good chance to win!

Did you see the winners from this year's 12 Pets of Christmas contest?