Friday, October 12, 2007
When Good Bras Go Bad........
There's a sinister conspiracy afoot. As your intrepid Infidel reporter I feel compelled to bring you all the details though I risk life, limb, and the wrath of the Bra Rose Manufacturing lobbyists to do so.
I've uncovered top secret information that the Bra Rose companies have aligned themselves with the brassiere bow factories for years now and they reign supreme over the garment lobby up in Washington D.C.. Yes, they're in cahoots and working together to make women's undergarments just that much more undignified. What purpose could the sewing on of insidious satin roses and tiny, ridiculous bows possibly serve? This isn't an episode of MacGyver where we can pluck the thumbnail-sized flower off and transform it into a lethal weapon by flinging it at our enemy's eye or hiding it in their Vienna Sausage Casserole to choke them to death......as though a Vienna Sausage Casserole wouldn't kill them off all on its own.
Us women already have to deal with unsupportive bras that sag and droop and create the dreaded 'Third Boob Syndrome' in the middle of our chest-- must we also contend with this extra aggravation? I just don't appreciate giving passing strangers the illusion that I have three nipples to go along with the pushed together 'Third Boob' thingie and that's precisely how it looks when you have a small, round object smack dab in the middle of your boobage. It's something that only a nursing set of triplets or a man with three hands would get excited about. No, a Triple-Nipple just ain't flattering on a woman at all. Or a man for that matter. Remember Chandler on 'Friends' who went to great lengths to get his supernumerary nipple surgically removed? I'm sure that if women wanted a Triple-Nipple look we can get a prosthetic to achieve that effect.
I understand that my harsh criticism will likely lead to a bra securities task force being created to investigate scandalous Bra Rose misdeeds and corrupt pay-offs. It could even lead to massive bra ornamentation factory lay-offs......but the truth shall set us free. No longer will we stand idly by and be used as walking specimens for some bra creator's Triple-Nipple fantasies.