Friday, October 12, 2007

When Good Bras Go Bad........


There's a sinister conspiracy afoot. As your intrepid Infidel reporter I feel compelled to bring you all the details though I risk life, limb, and the wrath of the Bra Rose Manufacturing lobbyists to do so.

I've uncovered top secret information that the Bra Rose companies have aligned themselves with the brassiere bow factories for years now and they reign supreme over the garment lobby up in Washington D.C.. Yes, they're in cahoots and working together to make women's undergarments just that much more undignified. What purpose could the sewing on of insidious satin roses and tiny, ridiculous bows possibly serve? This isn't an episode of MacGyver where we can pluck the thumbnail-sized flower off and transform it into a lethal weapon by flinging it at our enemy's eye or hiding it in their Vienna Sausage Casserole to choke them to death......as though a Vienna Sausage Casserole wouldn't kill them off all on its own.

Us women already have to deal with unsupportive bras that sag and droop and create the dreaded 'Third Boob Syndrome' in the middle of our chest-- must we also contend with this extra aggravation? I just don't appreciate giving passing strangers the illusion that I have three nipples to go along with the pushed together 'Third Boob' thingie and that's precisely how it looks when you have a small, round object smack dab in the middle of your boobage. It's something that only a nursing set of triplets or a man with three hands would get excited about. No, a Triple-Nipple just ain't flattering on a woman at all. Or a man for that matter. Remember Chandler on 'Friends' who went to great lengths to get his supernumerary nipple surgically removed? I'm sure that if women wanted a Triple-Nipple look we can get a prosthetic to achieve that effect.

I understand that my harsh criticism will likely lead to a bra securities task force being created to investigate scandalous Bra Rose misdeeds and corrupt pay-offs. It could even lead to massive bra ornamentation factory lay-offs......but the truth shall set us free. No longer will we stand idly by and be used as walking specimens for some bra creator's Triple-Nipple fantasies.

43 comments:

Suzanne said...

I'm 1st!!! :D I think I'm on a roll today!

Didn't Anne Boelin (sp?) have 3 breasts??? I can't remember for sure. Maybe she would have appreciated the bow.

I hated those bows when I was a teenager! you're right, they leave a weird lump and I just thought they were stupid. I would always cut the bow off. Now I have so many lumps that I don't care as much LOL! :D

b. said...

Ummm.....I have that bra.

on.the.run said...

I have to say that I am surprised that that middle bow/rose would be visible between the breasts of the bosomly blessed; I thought it was only the struggle of the little boobed folk.

On the subject of nipples (always a good one) the other day I was sitting with my MIL, hubby and our dog and I asked my MIL if her male dog's nipples were as gross as our female dog's nipples. Hubby scoffed at me for thinking male dogs had nipples "why would a male dog have nipples." He was very sheepish when I pointed out that he too has useless nipples.

sue said...

The first think I do when purchasing ANY bra with STUFF on it is cut it off. Don't even get me started on lace...

Elizabeth-W said...

So I'm sitting here lifting up my shirt to look and see if I indeed do have a little rose in the middle of my breastbone. I thought the answer was going to be no, I was sure of it...but...alas, there it is. It's about the size of a pencil eraser. I feel so fancy now that I know it's there.

Jennifer B. said...

Can't stand superfluousness. Superfluousity?
Superfluousation?
Super...califraglisticexpealidocious.

Yeah, you get my point. Lose the rose.

Evil Kitty said...

Evil Kitty has a lot more nipples than 3!

Jean Knee said...

you could serve that casserole on Austrian night. mmmmm

Kristen said...

Oh my Gosh! laughing so hard and I too had to check for the bow. Yep, it's there. ick.

Jean Knee said...

all my bras are lace,flower, and bow free. yeah, you wanna be me

Bee said...

You lost me at 3 handed men.
Uh... let's pretend I"m a guy for a moment.
"3 Nips? Hell Yeah I have two hands and mouth don't I?!"

Yeah... guys are pervs!


Clickety click-et the chinese chicken! x2

Amanda said...

I agree with on.the.run. I never thought this would be a problem for those blessed in the bosom department, which I am not.

Wait, let me check my training bra.....no bows!

Stacey said...

*lifts up shirt*

No bow but I do have an intricate flower design.

Bee-that is the EXACT comment my hubby would make.

Nancy Face said...

BRAVO! I laughed louder, harder, and longer than I ever have before while reading a blog...you outdid yourself, woman! :D

My bra is all lace...no bows, no rose! Good thing too, cuz that "Third Boob" thingie would be lots bigger than anything I've got! :0

I just remembered a line from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves..."No blades, no bows." Apparently this problem has been around for a very long time. Who knew?

nora.lakehurst said...

OK that is not a funny thing to post when a person who is sick and is coughing. I laughed so freakin hard that my cough wouldnt stop. I couldnt breath. I was just laughing so hard.
Man you so have a gift. And the bow thing nope the worst bra I ever used was the one after I had surgery (reduction just so you know) It was like I had four boobs. It was awful because it had to be so tight around that area that it cut my smaller size into two other breast. :O so yeah good times. Bra's should be designed by women not men. Just me :D

Physcokity said...

Third Nipple= Thripple...

Carrot Jello said...

Please tell me that's not your bra. I never wanted to see your bra on the internet. I'm looking at your watch sign. Looking at the wall. Trying to get your bra out of my head. Lalalalalalalalah

Annie said...

At least your bra is clean. I hate seeing women's dirty bra straps sticking out their tank tops.

Lisa said...

flowerless bras for me, please.

Carol said...

HAHAHAHA!!! You made me check my bra... no flower, no bow, and no lace. I want a bra that supports without all the frills. Go Victoria Secret!

wynne said...

Never mind the bows or the flowers for a minute.

The real question is--why do nipples do this to us in the first place?

I've always hated nipple treachery. (i.e., you are walking along, minding your own business, when Mr. Lewd walking the other way says something like "Hey, you smugglin' some raisins out of state or something?" or "hey, honey, you've got your high-beams on!")

Why? WHY?!? IS IT REALLY NECESSARY FOR THEM TO DO THAT AT ALL? AND WHY DO MEN COME UP WITH SUCH STRANGE EUPHEMISMS FOR EVERYTHING?

wynne said...

(Nowadays, I wear flowerless, lace-free, unbowed, and padded bras. With pride and confidence, thank you very much.)

Bee said...

I LOVE LA TORTURA (it's my ring tone)!!!! Alejandro Sanz's voice is so... e(x)(r)otic!

Lauren said...

This is indeed a true Infidel Pearl of Wisdom at its finest. I hate the Bra Rose! My mom always tries to get me to purchase the bras with those dastardly roses in the center. I think my mom is the one behind this conspiracy. I will keep a close watch and let you know of my findings.

carronin said...

The rose is so tiny I didn't notice it at first.I'm sure The bra makers could save a fortune in material and labor if they would omit that ridiculous third nipple rose.

No Cool Story said...

No rose, no bow, no wire for me.
Just one more good thing about being size "almost A"*

*ok, I lie, it's the only good thing about being size "almost A"**

**Not true. Waaa.

jams o donnell said...

I've never understood the purpose of the rose EWBL. As a decoration it is prety superfluous, given that it will spemd most of the time covered. It can be for the benefit of us men, who are far more interested in the goodies than the wrapping so to speak!

As for three nipples, I can't top bee for the male reaction to such a scenario!

Bee said...

Would you attend my wedding between me and Jack Johnson even thought you hate him so much?
Come on... there can't be any discord in the Cord family... :o)

I'll serve nachos!

click

Sketchy said...

I'm bow-free. Fortunately not beau-free though. Yay me!

compulsive writer said...

Ask me how very much I love the word boobage. I'm going to start a campaign right now to have it added to Mirriam Webster.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

"Triple Nipple" sounds like an ice cream flavor, if I may be so bold.

I hope no one else already said that.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

P.S. I'm not wearing a bra. And I'm not going in my room to check, but I'm sure mine do have roses or bows or a googly eye or something.

Aside from a guy having "moobs," doesn't having to WEAR a bra already signify that you're feminine? Do we really have to girl up bras that much?

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

P.P.S. "Thripple" made me crack up.

aubrey said...

Greg Focker: You can milk just about anything with nipples.
Jack Byrnes: I have nipples, Greg, could you milk me?

aubrey said...

and i'm in the A category with ncs. and i highly recommend the Barely There bras. cuz that's how my boobage is. barely there.

Amber said...

Bows? Bras have bows? I thought they just had sexy openings for easy access. I think they call them nursing bras.

Theresa said...

I have little to cover, so I always get seamless top-type bras, no lace, no flowers. I wonder where that whole flower thing originated. Imagine a guys' shorts having a little flower on them...in some cases that might confuse people. ;)

Bee said...

I've come to click from work.
Signed,
BJ

Melissa said...

ACK! I have a bow! I had never noticed that before... I just don't care any more about the look of my bras. I'm in the same boat as NCS. The last bra I bought was "almost A". So as long as it fits, I'm good.
You really should contact Oprah about this... she's all about having a good bra...

Geosomin said...

I've always wondered why they bother with those stupid little bows and flowers. I always cut them off. My concern is more that you can't get nice bras in bigger sizes. The coolest thing about losing weight for me was retracting bosoms that meant I could have cooler looking bras...they still put those lame little bows on some of them tho...

wynne said...

LAST DAY FOR HALLOWEEN CONTEST!

Elastic, where are you?

shay said...

To have a third boobie would indicate the existence of said boobies. Some of us have to buy enough padding to create a nice pillow to sew the cute rosette onto. Maybe we can get together and do that lol.

omar said...

Poop week posts didn't make me uncomfortable, but this bra picture post did. Weird.