Saturday, February 16, 2008

A Tale Of Two Movies....

It Was The Best Of Films:It Was The Worst Of Films:And we had the pleasure/misfortune of seeing them both yesterday.

The Spiderwick Chronicles isn't faithful to the imaginative but dreary books. No, instead it covered all the criteria needed for an Infidel family super smiley face rating. We laughed. We cried. We saw flying griffins in the sky. We also saw scraggly Nick Nolte as a wily, yellow-eyed ogre as though that was a big acting stretch for him. And I learned that Andrew McCarthy is not dead like I once believed. I'm so relieved. Maybe I'll get to live long enough to see Pretty In Pink Two:The Midlife-Crisis.

Jumper did jump all right.......directly on to my Worst 10 Movies Of All Time List! You know how there's always at least one attention whore person who insists on standing up at the most inopportune times to talk about the most inappropriate thing (You know the one. The kind of person who talks about French-kissing in the middle of a crowded church meeting) and all you can do is stare down at your shoes and avoid eye contact because you're so embarrassed for them? That's how craptastically lame the dialogue was in Jumper. The main guy actually said: "Thank you very much. I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip your usher."
I've seen wittier repartee on Cartoon Network. They should have hired the Spongebob people as scriptwriters. The action sequences were completely shaky and hard-to-follow. It felt like back in the day when I couldn't afford cable and I'd try to watch it through the scrambled signal. It's never a good sign when the people around you in the theater continue yawning and whispering "Is it over yet?" to each other. No, it'll never be over because not one, but TWO upcoming sequels are planned. I don't know why. Jumper has only jumped over one thing.....THE SHARK!

In life there must be sour with sweet. Light with dark. Buffet with ala carte dining. Old Willy Wonka and New Willy Wonka. Sunshine with rain. So, there must also be movie joy with movie pain.

*humor-blogs.com only owns a bootleg copy of the Elmo In Grouchland DVD. They force their guests to watch it over and over and over again.*

43 comments:

Elizabeth-W said...

7 year old has read all the books so she convinced her daddy to take her today. I was a little skeptical but I'm feeling better now. I'm assuming you took all the infidels?
If you think it's not for a 7 year old, please comment so in the next 2 hours :)

elasticwaistbandlady said...

We took the whole family. The movie is a lot more positive and cheerier than the book and they tidied up the whole storyline into one sweet little happy ending. I guess they didn't have much a choice since they needed to stuff all 5 books into one film. Tell your daughter to not place a huge importance on the movie being verbatim to the books or she will be sorely disappointed.

Holly Black co-auhtored the books and was an executive producer. If it passed muster with her then you can expect it to be good.

James Horner did the sweeping and epic-like music. It was also really good.

As a side note, the little girl in it, Lucinda, looks a LOT like your daughter. She has long brown hair and chubby little cheeks.

JustRandi said...

Andrew McCarthy is back from the dead? Now THAT would be a movie worth seeing!

glittersmama said...

Would it still be Pretty in Pink? Maybe they would mature her a little, and put her in say, Scarlet?

Millie said...

Pretty In Pink: The Alcoholic Years.

I love Spongebob, so if the writers DID write Jumper, I'd be there in a flash.

Jean Knee said...

All on the same day, and you're okay?

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Okay, at the same time you gals were posting I was changing it to Pretty In Pink Two:The Mid-Life Crisis Years. :)

Surely by this time Molly has doubled her weight and looks terrible in her hideous sewing creations as she yearns for Ducky and regrets her choice. Andrew is a member of The Hair Club For Men, he can balance his gin and tonic on his gut that overlaps his velour track pants, and he's looking to secure himself a tight 22 year old silicone wonder.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

We got a good deal, jean knee. I've only seen two movies in a big theater in 10 years. Titanic and Chronicles Of Narnia. Jumper and the annoying guy who sat behind us crunching his chips and rattling his chip bag through the whole movie reminded me why.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Glitter, I shudder at the thought of Molly Ringwald taking on a classic like The Scarlet Letter. Nope, better to let Demi Moore handle such things. :)

b. said...

When I used to go visit my dad in the summers, he couldn't afford cable either. So he high jacked the picture--not the sound--off his neighbors satellite and he/we would watch for hours and hours with no sound.
Did you see all the "no cell phones" and "please turn off your cell phones" ads at the beginning of the flick? Inevitably, there's always a cell phone ringing in the middle of the film.

Elizabeth-W said...

Just told Shazzy about Horner, and he's thinking of not going now... :)
He can't stand him. ("Hack!")
So who does W look like? Mallory? Or is there another girl in the movie?

Melissa said...

Red has been BEGGING to go see this movie... I think maybe I'll send him with Hubby to go see it. Not sure if the younger two would like it or not... what do you think? Is it too much for a 4 year old?

Lauren said...

I saw Jumper last night and in the middle of the movie the film fell of the reel or something because we heard the sound with no picture. I was fine with this because Ted and me got free movie passes! Now we can retry and see a good movie. I'm thinking The Spiderwick movie.

Lauren said...

I saw Jumper last night and in the middle of the movie the film fell of the reel or something because we heard the sound with no picture. I was fine with this because Ted and me got free movie passes! Now we can retry and see a good movie. I'm thinking The Spiderwick movie.

No Cool Story said...

And here I was going to see Jumper today ;P

Thanks for the Infidel Reviews Elastic, I needed that.

I caught Andrew M in one of those skanky shows, either Skanks in the Jungle or Skanks in the Cashmere City or whatever they are called. He looks...umm...old and bug eyed.

Sketchy said...

Well I wasn't not going to see Jumper anyway, so this post is all good for me. I'm glad to see that Spiderwick has the Infidel seal of Approval. Now I can go with full confidence.

Once it hits the dollar theater...(how do you take that brood out to a movie at a regular theater?) I'm so cheap I may make us go on their 50 cent Tuesdays.

on.the.run said...

Yay! More movie reviews please. I wanted to see both of those movies, I will now avoid Jumper.

In England a sweater is called a Jumper... that random fact is free btw.

Nancy Face said...

Thanks for the reviews...I can't wait to take Zach to see The Spiderwick Chronicles on Monday! :D

On the other hand, I will never watch Jumper!

Nancy Face said...

I love the old Willy Wonka movie! I absolutely hate the new Willy Wonka movie!

This is a big deal to me.

Bee said...

We were trying to decide between Definately, Maybe and Jumper. I guess I know what we're going to see tomorrow. Thanks!

Jean Knee said...

Hey, ain't that Ducky on Three Men.
(bad sitcom with Charlie Sheen)


the only one of them still going strong, after all these years, he's still the one

wynne said...

"standing up at the most inopportune times to talk about the most inappropriate thing"

That was me, elastic. Can you forgive me?

wynne said...

It's too bad about Jumper--the trailers made it look as though it COULD have been interesting. Ah, well.

Annie said...

I love Infidel movie reviews. Thanks for spending your hard-earned cash so we don't have to. Wez love a good movie up in here, but it takes a really good one to share an arm rest with someone I don't know. Long live Netflix!

shay said...

Shoot cuz I was hoping Jumper would be mindless fun ...NOT mindless...bummer. Thnks for taking a bullet for us all!
May I do you a fav and save you from Sydney White!!! ... your welcome!

We haven't read the Spiderwick books as my kids find the craziest things scary (but not LOTR - weird!)
I may try the movie with them....

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Okay, Jumper has gotten mixed reviews. Personally, I love a good sci-fi/action movie, but sadly, this just wasn't it. The guy who played Griffin was really hyper-crazy-cool and a great actor but everything and everybody else really stunk it up. The director, Doug Liman, did the Bourne Identity series which I LOVE LOVE LOVE and he's also doing the Knight Rider reamke. I hope he doesn't screw it up.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

b.- When I was a kid, we lived in a two story house that overlooked our neighbor's ranch-style home. My radio got TV reception. Whenever I got grounded I'd watch their TV from my room and I got the sound from my radio. Genius! The neighbors were also nudists while at home. That was another show entirely. Without the sound.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

elizabeth- James Horner is maybe overcommercialized now because of Titanic, but I still really liked the music.

Aunt Lucinda as a young girl is the one who looks like your daughter.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Melissa- Melody just turned 5 and she loved it!


NCS- At least Andrew still has all his hair. He left his dignity behind in that crappy movie Wild Horses, but at

sketchy- We haven't been to a theater since Chronicles Of Narnia 2 years ago. We went to the early matinee showings and we used a gift card. Mainly we get our DVD's for free from the library and from a neighbor of ours. Yeah, seeing Jumper for free might have made the experience less painful.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

on the run- There's this crazy Enlgish guy in it that almost saves the movie. He was really good. So, what do the English call an actual jumper? What if you own a jumper made out of that cable knit sweater material? WHat then? Is it a jumper jumper? What if you're a teleportal jumper who wears one of those. Does that make you a Jumper jumper jumper? So many questions.

Nancy- YES! As cute as Johnny Depp is and as much as they tried to make the modern update more like the book it just didn't work. It lost a lot of charm. Hey, you know what my favorite part in the orginal has always been? When Gene Wilder drinks out of the cup he plucks off the tree and then eats it. I'm weird. Whenever I see the kids eating too much I mimic Mrs. Goop in my fake German accent and tell them, "Ach Augustus, save some for later!"

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Bee- You might like Jumper. I'm just suggesting that we may have hated it less had we only blew a buck from the DVD rental kiosk to see it.

jean knee- I always liked Jon Cryer the best because I'm attracted to nerds. That TV show is NAUGHTY but FUNNY but NAUGHTY! I've only watched it a couple times and I was horrified at the raunchiness of it but I didn't change the station because I was busy laughing.

wynne- Most yahoo reviewers that read the book said the book fleshes out the story much better than the movie version.
Okay, commenter on.the.run. and I actually know the lady who stood up during a mixed 3rd hour meeting and told the French-Kissing story. I shan't ever forget the look of horror on some peoples faces and sheer amusement on others. She moved two years ago and I miss her. She was odd but a lot of fun and really, really nice.

Annie- Didn't you see my comment about the azz behind us who wouldn't stop crunching and rattling his chip bag? It was infuriating! Especially because the theater was almost empty and he purposely chose to sit behind us. Yeah, I'd much rather pay a buck and watch stuff at home. I can certainly see why theaters are struggling with low ticket sales. I think it's directly due to the general public adapting this rude and entitled attitude that they can do whatever they want and it makes movie-going miserable for the more conscientious people.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Shay- Sometimes it's better not to read the book first because you won't have any expectations.

Okay, I answered everyone!

Now, I can tell my tale of heartache and woe. I was wearing my favorite jeans on Friday to the theater. They're not elastic waist band but they fit nice. So anyway they had the red rope thing strung across the front with no break in it. Being lazy we didn't want to walk to the other side of the foyer to get around it so we did the limbo underneath it instead. I went last. The sheer force of my pelvic region thrusting force to shimmy under the rop made my jeans go RRRIIIIPPPPPPP. Yes, they ripped. R.I.P. favorite jeans. I was wearing a long shirt so at least I wasn't flashing panties.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Millie- The main girl was named Millie in the Jumper movie. She was cloying, annoying, whiny, and a bar maid with heavy eyeliner who gave up the goodies right away. She did a great disservice to the awesomeness of the Millie name.

Amber said...

I have never even heard of either of them so what does that say about me? Must. Get. Out. More.

Thanks for your comment on my blog. You are in a much trickier situation there. At least my hubby has been working and saving. Being in school sucks it all out of you. I think upon graduation, companies should be required to greet you with bells on.

Rebecca said...

We went to the dollar theater and saw "Enchanted" yesterday. That one was pretty good.

How about the writers of "Fairly Odd Parents?" That is one funny kids show. So funny that there's a tv movie coming out tomorrow night, and husband wants to watch that for Family Home Evening.

jams o donnell said...

Jumper has just been released here. The critics have panned it back to the Stone Age! I can't wait for Persepolis to be released here.

aubrey said...

awesome!! i love it when people see crappy movies so i don't have to suffer through them (or pay for them). though, i thought jumper looked lame from the preview. i was as little hesitant about spiderwick but i will check it out since you and the mini infidels loved it.

Lisa said...

I just saw Andrew McCarthy on a Law & Order and then saw he was going to be on something else. I was wondering where he'd gone off to. Now he is everywhere.

I haven't even heard of Jumper. But we will go see Spiderwick. Probably next week.

Thanks for the reviews!

Stacey said...

I agree with Rebecca,I love Fairly Oddparents! My kids are giddy with anticipation for the movie tonight.

I heard Jumper was lame. Just watching the preview makes me nauseated.

Nancy Face said...

Okay, get this: My stinkin' (I say that in a loving voice) Zach refuses to go see The Spiderwick Chronicles! He says he wants to see Jumper or nothing!

I say he'll see nothing.

Ingrate!

Julie Q. said...

Thanks for the reviews. I heard Spiderwick was too scary for kids so I'm glad to hear your clan liked it. But I'd even make my kids suffer through scary for Andrew (Mr. Saint Elmo himself) :)

Geosomin said...

Whew! I dodged a bullet then.
We were out and were deciding between Jumper and Spiderwick and went to Spiderwick and loved it...haven't read any of the books, so I didn't know what to expect. And it was on IMAX, so we figured it *had* to be good as it was bigger.

Good to know we lucked out...

Nancy Face said...

Zach got a better offer than the opportunity of attending a movie with his parents, so he ended up going to see The Spiderwick Chronicles with his buddies, and he REALLY liked it! :S