Friday, June 13, 2008

The Curse Of The Pink Pantser

See these pants? I hate them. I loathe them. I abhor them. I despise them. I rue the day they were ever cobbled into existence from Pebto-Bismol stained fabric. To be fair they're not even really pants. No, they're so much worse because they're actually a blindingly pink pair of CLAMDIGGERS masquerading as pants!

Why do I even own such a wrinkly testament to the power of Fug? I'm not sure of all the minute details surrounding the inexplicable purchase but the evidence shows that the frugal side of me passed by the clearance rack at the store, spied the $1.50 price tag on these wretched pants and immediately hatched a plan.

My frugal side chloroformed and tied up the mini-What Not To Wear fashionista that also lives in me in an effort to subdue its small voice of reason so that Miss Frugality Run Amok could then wreak havoc in cheapo pants inspired by the color of pink vomit. That is the only possible explanation.

I try to avoid clothes that stand out at all costs. Owning a pair of clamdiggers that would color match the wadded up bubblegum stuck up underneath a park bench is not the way to blend into a crowd. Everytime I wear these hideous pants I half expect a kindly old lady to comment to me that they remind her of her long-gone beloved Pink Poodle, FooFee.

You know how you have clothes stuffed into the back of your drawer/closet/bureau that's reserved for your worst case clothing scenario option only? Yeah, my pink pants should really be housed in a sealed glass box mounted on the wall with a little mallet hanging alongside it and a note that reads:In Case Of Extreme Laundry Emergency- Break Glass.

I had such a laundry emergency day recently as I hadn't any other alternatives available to me other than wearing the Mary Kay clamdiggers de doom. No lifelines left, no dramatic music, no friends to call, no multiple choice......no, donning the pink pants and transforming myself into the ultimate non-superhero, The Pink Pantser was my final answer.

My mini-Infidels understand my deep and abiding pink pants hatred. When they saw me with them on a few days ago, they started laughing. My second oldest daughter, Monkey commented "Ooooh, it looks like it's The Return Of The Pink Pantser." To which I coolly strolled past her in my crusty cotton clamdiggers and remarked that yes it indeed it was the return of The Pink Pantser......and then I turned around and pounced on her while screeching "It's the Revenge Of The Pink Pantser, fool because The Pink Pantser will always strike again when you least expect it."

Well, I guess the drawstring on the pants could be used to tie up mortal enemies of The Pink Pantser in a pinch but mainly my fight-winning strategy is watching my foe fall over, completely paralyzed from laughing so hard when they see me strutting about in my Pink Pantser costume.

24 comments:

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

I am not a professional photographer. The weird crotchal bulge on the pants in this picture mean NOTHING!!!

Thank You. :)

the Bag Lady said...

Rit Dye!! Turn the Pepto-Dismals into something else....purple? Black?

Alice said...

But you know what? I bet they're comfortable.

I still have the 'purple sack'. This is a jumper/dress that I wore in rotation for 2 years with two other dresses in Kenya. It's nasty when I look at it, but damn, it was versatile.

Hilary said...

But it must go so well with any pair from your collection of sox.

Tracy said...

If only you had a pair of pink Converse socks to go with your pink panster clamm diggers. That would be the super hero outfit of the year!
I say you rock those pants like they're the hottest thing going. maybe you'll start a trend and one day you'll look around and see that everyone is wearing clothes the color of pepto bismal!

b. said...

They totally look comfortable!

I have a beige pair kinda like 'em. They ugly, but they comfy.

nikko said...

You could take one of those bleach pens and draw some cool designs on them. ;o)

Millie said...

My mom gave me one of those "just wear it to do laundry" outfits that was an even lighter, more abhorrent pink - and guess where it is now? In the DI box.

BUT. I am guilty of replacing the pepto-pink sweatsuit with a pair of $3 watermelon-pink pants from Wal-Mart while on my trip to MT. I think I was running out of clothes, so I was desperate.

The cool thing is, the pink pants match the pink in my Utah Blogfest t-shirt, so I can wear it more often. And that's... a good thing.

Hey It's Di said...

HAHA! You are so silly! My closet seems to be full of those things you suggested should be stuffed in the back of the closet for emergencies. I seriously need some "What not to wear" help! I really do because I was diggen' the pink pants:)

Hey It's Di said...

P.S. In a laundry emergency I have to resort to running around in my underwear. Gross I know. It sure keeps my kids doing laundry and thus preventing an emergency (and them throwing up:)

glittersmama said...

They could be the official flag of Blog Party '08!

Lisa said...

I wish I had some comfy pink pants. Or any color I guess. Mine are all tight right now.

jams o donnell said...

To be the Pink Pantser you need a cape and mask but with your pants of justice (and funky socks) the criminal world will tremble!

Elizabeth-W said...

I have a pair of a dark coral clam diggers that I never wear for the same reason. I need an alter ego.

Jami said...

Between my outgrowing all of my clothes, the perpetual backlog of dirty laundry and my dislike of sweating, it is rather horrifying what I wear (or don't wear) most of the time.

Pink is a fun color. So I think the pink capris are cute. But then I kinda go over the top with pink sometimes. I just bowed to peer pressure and de-pink-ified my blog. At some point, I should probably de-pink-ify the girl's bedroom too.

Have a cool weekend. (Sending breezy thoughts your way.)

compulsive writer said...

Oh sister. You should see the great pair of sunflower pants (I made them myself--it was one of my prouder moments) that I keep in my 72-hour kit.

Really. You should see them!

Millie said...

I made a really ugly dress out of blood-red fabric with little black watermelon seeds all over it - the kind other people would make curtains or throw pillows out of.

And I resent "What Not To Wear." I'll wear whatever the heck I want, thank you.

J-Mom said...

Comfortable clothes are the best!!!!

Bee said...

I have a pair like that too. Only, uh, they're not pink they're black but they're so unflattering it gives my butt a weird look to it.
Why are they still in my closet?
:o(

carronin said...

That's too funny. You should stitch Pink Panster across the butt then they would be perfect.

JD at I Do Things said...

I just cleaned out my closet this weekend and still can't bring myself to get rid of the bilious blue wrinkly clamdiggers that are always so comfortable yet so hideous but what if I run out of clothes and have to wear them someday?

I've only worn them once.

JD at I Do Things

Nancy Face said...

Those look like the exact color of Lauren's wedding reception.

Do you think she would kill me if I wore them in her receiving line? >:)

Physcokity said...

I love carronin's idea! Do it do it now. 5,4,3,2,1.

wynne said...

I have articles of clothing like this. Mine mostly consist of shirts that have shrunk a wee bit and are too short (I have a strangely long torso and it's hard to find shirts to fit my girafftine proportions).

Toss 'em.