Monday, June 09, 2008

The Smiling Infidel Drags Private Dancing Onto A Public Blog

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I'd like to say that we are a strange but wonderful family whose minds work in strange but wonderful ways.......but the truth is that we're a whole lot more strange than anything else.

Does anybody remember that over-the-top dramatic Tina Turner song from the mid-80's called 'Private Dancer'? I've harbored a very unhealthy Private Dancer fixation since first watching the cheese-a-rific video during my formative years. The shamelessly shimmying Tina shaking it for a dollar really left an indelible stain on my psyche. Of course, these are the kinds of memories that beg to be passed on and shared with the next generation lest they forget the magical oddities of 80's music.......

I've had entire conversations with my kids centered around Private Dancer. Yes, it's true. We've created a Private Dancer back story, a Private Dancer future, and we've tried to answer all manner of Private Dancer questions and implausibilities. Here's a transcript sampling of our scintillating Private Dancer conversation from yesterday:
Sunbum (oldest Infidel daughter): "How come it just costs a dollar? How can she possibly pay her bills when she only earns a buck a dance?"
Me: "More importantly, who puts a dollar on their American Express card? Wouldn't the guy's wife wonder what all the dollar charges marked P.D. are on their monthly statements?"
Sunbum: "Well, maybe the Private Dancer studio is next door to the Dollar Store so the guy can lie and say he blew all the money there."
Me: "I'd like to print up some business cards that say 'Elasticwaistbandlady.....Your Private Dancer'."
Sunbum: "Uhhh Mom, I've seen you dance. You can only be a Private Dancer because nobody wants to see those moves out in public."

Private Dancer obsession has spilled over into other parts of our daily life, too. Every Tuesday I make the long sojourn out to the rural outskirts of Houston for one of my jobs. I often take one of my older daughters with me. Each week we drive past this hand-made posterboard sign taped onto a light pole advertising a place that will provide ponies for your party. In big, bold letters the sign states "We Rent Ponies By The Hour." The sign always makes us feel sad for the ponies being pimped out at an hourly rate like they're some kind of equine prostitute. Whenever we pass by the pony advertisement my girls and I start singing,"I'm your private pony....a pony for money, I'll do what you want me to do.....just a private pony, a pony for money and any old horse feed will doooo."

You know how it's perfectly acceptable within the realm of your own family or encircled by your friends to feel totally comfortable to say/do whatever weird thing pops into your mind without restraint? Yeah, well, sometimes the things you say/do in the comfort zone spills over into the not-so-comfortable zone.

Case in point, there's a lot of deer herds milling around while I'm out working on Scenic Country Roads Tuesday. We never fail to stop and oooh and ahhh over the deer because they're just so stinkin cute though admittedly they're not very bright; but what they lack in brain power they make up for in beauty. As we came across a bunch of deer standing around next to the road, guess what song started playing on my XM Satellite Radio? YES! It was Private Dancer time!! Naturally I stopped my truck so Sunbum and I could gaze at the beauteous deer and then I began serenading them, singing Private Dancer with fervent gusto! I alternated between singing and preaching to the deer as I told them not to be suckered into becoming anyone's Private ANTLER because they are worth so much more than that. Sunbum was in the backseat struggling with manic fits of laughter because while I counseled the deer into avoiding the seedy Private Antler lifestyle I neglected to notice the burly but smiling homeowner standing in his driveway just a few feet away listening to my every word and every song note. Ooops.

Hopefully, that homeowner takes my words to heart as he ponders upon my sage advice. If I can save just one flannel-shirted redneck man from engaging in the thankless Private Dancer trade then my public embarrassment will have all been worth it!

38 comments:

Physcokity said...

First!

Physcokity said...

I LOVE IT! Favorite part: "Uhhh Mom, I've seen you dance. You can only be a Private Dancer because nobody wants to see those moves out in public."

That was a knee slapper. Although admittedly when I read that this was about the Private Dancer song I immediately thought of the SNL sketch when Mary Katherine Gallagher meets Tina Turner and she sings "I'm yo PRIIII-vate Danc-ah ah dancin' foh mon-ay."

It's pretty funny.

Nancy Face said...

I only wish that eavesdropping, smiling homeowner was ME...except for the part about being burly. My hairy legs are bad enough.

Nancy Face said...

Kris Face and I used to always make up dumb and stupid words to that song and go around the house singing it! But we never even came close to the awesomeness of Private ANTLER! :0

Nancy Face said...

One of his versions had something to do with Private Nancer...yeah.

b. said...

The conversation with your daughter is cracking me up!!
Will you come serenade the deer in my neck of the woods?
Make up a song about not eating my shrubs. ;)

Lisa said...

Loved this whole thing! Your conversation with Sunbum and your conversation with the deer and that the owner was listening! I would have died.

Millie said...

American Express will do nicely, thank you! Let me loosen up your collar...

"any old horse feed will do" = comedy gold.

Our families need to hang out more often than, oh, never.

Millie said...

Seriously, because Bella and I were ripping "One and Only, Genuine, Original Family Band" a new one yesterday. Aw yeah.

Millie said...

Speaking of things that beg to be mocked.

Alice said...

That was hilarious! And I'm going to have to be a Private Dancer too (unless I've had a few drinks and then I don't care so much anymore if I'm a Private or Public Dancer.)

Alice said...

That was hilarious! And I'm going to have to be a Private Dancer too (unless I've had a few drinks and then I don't care so much anymore if I'm a Private or Public Dancer.)

Alice said...

All you comments crack me up. If I ever get to Houston - we're going out!

Hilary said...

Oh deer.. too funny. Next time a video!

nikko said...

LOL.

Happy Belated Birthday, by the way.

:o)

Mindi said...

oh. my. where to start??
first off, i loved the private dancer video as well--but not as much as "love is a battlefield" where that pat benetar was earing it the HARD WAY at 25 cents a dance--and did some pretty freakin' sweet dance moves. also was obsessed with stevie nick's stand back, as she had a hot guy who could do a lot of turns in black drill team shoes.

also, read about the mormon women and colbie and jack johnson and about wet myself. (tmi? my bad.)
although i do falter when it comes to john mayer (just a recent convert) and some cheesy 80's goodness.
you are one funny chick. just yet another blogger to freakishly stalk.
you're welcome.

Bee said...

When I read what your daughter said to you the first thing that popped into my mind was "Buuuuuurn!" yup she sure got ya'!

Millie said...

Hey, I hate to be a giant pain in the tushie, but could you come over and do your Mad Lib? I'm waiting for your Mad Mad Libbin Skillz to grace us with their presence. I mean, since you said you'd be back. :)

Millie said...

P.S. Those LHOTP spoof videos were magically delicious.

VE said...

Hey wait a minute...I don't think that photo is real. I suspect somebody photoshop'd it...but I can't be certain.

jams o donnell said...

Haha I love Sunbum's comeback. You have taught her well Sensei!

Anna Maria Junus said...

You're lucky your kids find you funny.

Mine just roll their eyes and say "Mom, don't do that."

Hey It's Di said...

Why is it that kids have to be so cruel. . and honest and all that.
Boy, how I wish I was there to witness the serenade to the deer. I've been startled mid-serenadage a few times in public as I sang at the top of my lungs. Needless to say my kids want me to keep all singing and dancing private:)

J-Mom said...

Yes, we do home school too. Way to eclectic to claim one curriculum, yes--soon it will drive me insane(or maybe it already has). I hadn't put the in depth study of meaningful 80's lyrics on next years curriculum yet, but there is some potential here. I might have to revamp things a bit!

Thanks for the laughter---it is well needed!

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

The funniest thing is the actual Private Dancer video. See, Tina's client doesn't pay her a dollar at all. Nope. If you notice he instead drops a thin dime into her outstretched palm. It's like, here's a 10% down payment on your dollar dance. You'll get the rest when we get done cutting the rug chicken-style, toots.

She's not only a Private Dancer but if you act now she can be yours on layway for a ten cent reserve price.

J-Mom said...

Who doesn't dream of having a Sugar Daddy like that?

aubrey said...

and yet ANOTHER song that i've never heard of. but maybe i have after all and just don't recognize the name. i would googlesearch the song and listen to it but paul is asleep next to me right now as i clickety on the laptop. best not to wake him up with that. ..
that is another song to add to the road trip mix cd that you will be playing for me on the way to oregon!

but this isn't all about me..i loved reading firsthand your conversation with sunbum. just once, i would like to be a houseguest in the infidel home to see your clan in action. and hilarious and embarrassing your serenading being overheard by mr. redneck.

123checkoutthefamily said...

I did get my socks and I'll get a post up about them soon. :)

Suburban Hippie said...

Awesome. I love it when people catch me doing weird things.

Your kids are hilarious.

Jami said...

Two things:
1. Hahahahahahahaha!
2. I am ashamed to say that Air Supply is the 80s group I know best. (It's OK you can hahahaha right back at me.)
3. I can't dance for any amount of money.
4. I always like to give a little more than is expected of me.

Science Teacher Mommy said...

I think Prince's "Raspberry Beret" was the one that ruined me for life. It came out the summer we got MTV. Sex education via cable for just 22.50 a month.

Tracy said...

I think that I would love to hang out with you for the day. You sound like such a trip! And I would have loved to have heard the deer sermon/serenade!

the Bag Lady said...

What I would have given to see the serenade to the deer being observed by the redneck! Hehehehehehe
You crack me up!

Ringmaster said...

I hope you took a bow!

Rhonda said...

Please come to Pearland. I would absolutely pee myself if I caught someone out in the yard singing to my pets.

Although I am a child of the 80's, I am not as attached as you and my husband. He will have to pass on the oddities of the 80's for me. I can barely keep up with the oddities of the present.

Chell said...

So funny! Am laughing out loud in my office at work!
If I ever make it to the States I would love to meet your Infidel Clan!

Amber said...

After reading that? Oh deer.

In more ways than one.....

Physcokity said...

bwahahahah to science teacher mommy's comment!