Monday, August 25, 2008

Miss Elastic Went To Sea, Sea, Sea To See What She Could See, See, See.....In Seattle!

There's an extremely obvious reason why I nicknamed myself elasticwaistbandlady. I'm a best friend to Lee's Comfort Waist pants line and a mortal enemy to belts and belt loops everywhere.

So, I purchased my plane tickets to Seattle back in March- a full 5 months ahead of the Bloggy Beach Party event. I specifically requested the window seat because I couldn't imagine having my fatty white self squeezed like marshmallow fluff between two unlucky plane passengers. Guess what? Yes. I got to play CHUNKY MONKEY IN THE MIDDLE both there and back. Yay me. Luckily, all 4 gentleman that endured sitting cheek-to-cheek with me through a 4-hour flight were gracious and kind individuals.

Have you ever seen a Carrot sprouting black hair before? I did! Carrot Jello and her lovely new black-bobbed haircut met a huffing-and-puffing sweaty me at the Seattle airport baggage claim area. Carrot then whisked me off for a tour of the little Jet City she calls home.

Pike Place Market is the must-see Seattle tourist mecca so that's where Tour Guide Carrot shuffled me off to. We would have gone to the Space Needle but they charge admission. That would not have fit into my itty-bitty vacation budget plans at all.

Ummm, at the Pike Place Market, we saw men.....in bloody aprons......... like they just wandered off the Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie set.....and they were throwing fish to and at each other in a frenzied game of Seafood Scramble which can only be seen live on the Salmon Sports Network.

The fish slapping show was okay but I was more impressed with the tantalizing smells seeping into the seaside market air courtesy of the numerous cafes and walk-up restaurants. Carrot and I dined on big fat chicken gyros from Mr. D's Greek Delicacies. Carrot's gyro dripped all over the place with the cucumbery goodness of tzatziki sauce. I was too cheap to pay the extra $2.00. Even though I wanted to, I refrained from licking the sauce off the wax paper before she threw it away. They also served the most lip-puckering glass of fresh-squeezed lemonade known to mankind. It was sour enough that I think it curdled any future breast milk I might produce. That wasn't any fluke either. We went to another food stand where I bought and gagged my way through their own competing version of The World's Most Bitter Lemonade.

I resisted on the first trip walking past the alluring, treats-stuffed window of the Piroshky, Piroshky Russian bakery. On the second market run-through, though, I caved in to temptation and split a raisin poppyseed cinnamon roll thingie with Carrot. It was piping-hot, and fresh-from-the-oven delicious!

While meandering through the chaotic downtown Seattle streets looking for a place to park, we passed the notorious Lusty Lady Cabaret at least 5 times. I like anything with "FREE" in the title, but alas, we did not spend the afternoon at the Lusty Lady despite the promise of FREE ADMISSION posted on their sign.

The first Thursday afternoon of each month is FREE ADMISSION day at the Seattle Art Museum so we elected to spend some time there instead of that naughty Lusty Lady place. We were on a mission bent on broadening our horizons and educating our artistic palettes.
Oh look, someone placed a toilet that survived a gang graffiti war right in the middle of the Seattle Art Museum showfloor. Wait, what? You mean that's one of the displays? Right.
This commodal masterpiece dates to the year 1964. If you look closely at this work of art, you'll observe the artist's fanciful rendering of coiled up turds that have survived the last 44 years. What a wondrous glory! I used to do that with brown Play-Doh as a child. Who knew that you could get paid for your turd rolling skills?
We also oohed and ahhed at a bunch of hanging art pieces that had "Well, Duuuuuhhhh!" titles. For instance, there was a hatchet buried into the top of a window frame with spoons and stuff attached to it. Oddly enough it was called, "A Window Frame With A Hatchet At The Top And Other Objects." I gotthisclose to a real live Andy Warhol. It was the one with the gun-slinging Elvis's (Elvii?) scrolled across it.

I got to take pictures of this LDS Chapel/Stake Center in the Seattle suburbs. The spire on that thing absolutely amazed me. I marveled at how it descends all the way down, smack into the middle of the foyer area. It reminded me of those giant neon arrows that restaurants and night clubs use to attract attention to their place. I told Carrot they wouldn't need missionaries in that area anymore if they would just add some blinking lights to their super-sized spire.

As promised, Carrot took me on a Value Village tour where she utilized the assistance of a marked down wheelchair with no brakes to show me around her cut-rate stomping grounds. I tried to buy us matching fluorescent-orange fanny packs from Howard Johnson's. They were only a buck! Sadly, I realized that to accommodate my girth I would have had to buckle two of them together.
I learned an ingenious little trick at Value Village: If you should ever break one of your crystal dishes you can salvage the lid by placing a piece of cut felt underneath it. The dish may be gone but the crystal lid beauty lives on!
Value Village was selling shelf-after-shelf filled with useless felt-bottomed crystal lids.

You can always find Pooh, Winnie or otherwise, down at Ye Olde Honey Bucket Port-a-Pots.
So then Carrot and I-triumphant from our Value Village foray- were tooling through the hilly suburb streets, listening to her Neil Diamond's Greatest Hits CD when we happen to look over and fortuitously see this bumper sticker slapped on the back of an old white Buick. And then, it was ON.......I told Carrot to speed up so we could get next to the car and sing Neil Diamond as loud as if we were Neil Diamond groupies who named our kids Shiloh and Sweet Caroline just to honor him. Carrot cranked up the Carrot Van stereo and we belted out Solitary Man at the top of our lungs with the van windows down......and then we glanced over at the Neil Diamond bumper sticker car to see their reaction. It was a humiliated-looking young teenage boy with a floppy EMO hairstyle. He was desperately trying to not even shift his eyes a fraction of an inch our way.
We laughed along to the rest of the song, too drunk with our dorky, teen-repellent power to finish the lyrics.

No wonder Washingtonians all seemed so smiley and cheerful.......who wouldn't be happy when there's some Big O action around every corner??!?

*It took me two weeks to write up this Great White Infidel Goes To The Pacific Northwest vacation update. One day I might get around to showing you all our most excellent bloggy beach adventures. One day.*

57 comments:

Suburban Hippie said...

I'm so jealous of the deliciousness you ate... mmmmm, fresh baked goods. good times.

Maddy said...

Well done you! We've been back six weeks and I've still not managed to get my act together, must be all those pesky children taking up my time.

Cheers

p.s. I now have a fully functioning blogroll uploaded from my google reader, which is also now working.

Melissa said...

I love Pikes! The fish guys were my favorite... what does that say about me if I like men covered in fish guts? Hmmm...
It sounds like you had a wonderful time! I'm so proud of you for annoying a teenage boy while you were there! :)

Yvonne said...

I'm glad you restrained yourselves and passed up the Lusty Lady.

That fish market sounds like it would have been so fun.

I wonder if that teenage boy has a blog and wrote a post about the whole experience ; )

PJ said...

That was a fun read.

I think I can smell the bakery, I hope it wasn't too close to the fish guts.

What a disco looking Stake building!

glittersmama said...

I'm kind of jealous that I didn't get to hang. Especially for the bakery part. I guess I should just count myself lucky that I got to ride in the carrot van with y'all!

Carrot Jello said...

Aw, that made my day.
With my early alzheimers, I had forgotten much of that.

JustRandi said...

I can actually smell fish right now. But it might just be because of last night's dinner still. I hate when that happens.
But I'm SO glad you had a great time!

J-Mom said...

Looks like y'all had a blast!

wynne said...

...sigh...

wynne said...

That poor, poor EMO boy. Sometimes having to drive your parents' car can be soooooo humiliating when you're a teen...

wynne said...

I went to Pike's Place a mere month before you did, elastic. So close...

Of course, what I ate was a Nutella-filled crepe. Mmm.

Stephanie and Co. said...

My favorite part was the Neil Diamond adventure. I would have loved to see that boy's face!
And I'm glad to keep it real. I think you would like my Grandma. She is not afraid of the F word, or the h word or the d word, or the s word. And she's a life long faithful.

Tori :) said...

I'm so glad you got some Carrot time!! YAY!

NOBODY said...

I think you sold yourself short, and Carrot too, for that matter, not buying the orange fanny packs. You could have figured something out to make it work.

There are deals you can't pass up and then there are deals you MUSTN'T pass up.

I want the job of naming art. I could so do that.

Hey It's Di said...

Elastic you make me laugh! The orange fanny pack could have become a fancy thigh purse? I would have gone for it.

Those Seattle folks sound like they are quite creative in the art department. Who would have thought of those fine things as art?

I haven't seen any pictures of YOU or Carrot or the rest from your trip! What's up with that? It's a good thing that I saw pics on someone else's blog. You are all so darling! I would love to hang with you guys!!. . .I mean girls.

Mindi said...

all i can say is i was fine up until the point that you turned away from the lusty lady--what the???!!

go back and retrace your steps. i think you made a big mistagke. BIG.

(thank goodness the rest of the trip still rocked.)

VE said...

Ha ha ha. Familiar pictures for sure. Did you get a chance to go smack some kneecaps with Tonya Harding?

nora.lakehurst said...

How fun. ANd you know winnie the poo has to go somewhere. Good thing that they have finally got him a brand that he can go in.
Also why didnt you invite me to go to seattle with ya? I would have LOVED to have gone.
I need a vacation away from my kids. So next time. If there is a next time write me and I will see if I can come.

Suzanne said...

How fun to hear about your fun adventures with Carrot! I'm sure she was the perfect hostess...well except for the no dinner part! :D Kidding...

"too drunk with our dorky, teen-repellent power to finish the lyrics" Everyone has got to do this stuff once in awhile. It keeps a person feeling young! :)

Annie said...

This was a great tour of Seattle! I would love to go back.

Rhonda said...

I was getting hungry from the bakery description...then I saw the toilet turd.

shay said...

What a fun fun trip!
Hubby and I went to Seattle a couple of month ago. It's a great place just to wander and look:)

Jay said...

Sounds like you had an interesting time in Seattle!

Poor Emo boy. Reminds me of the time I gave my younger son a lift down to a garage - he needed something done on his car, can't remember what. After a few mintes of waiting outside for him, he wandered out, and came over rather sheepishly and said 'Mum, do you mind not singing ...?'

ROFL!! How we do embarrass the young, huh?

hellesbelles86 said...

Oh I am so jealous! I went to Pike's Place last year when my husband was working in WA for a couple months and I want so bad to go back! I miss the west coast and that first picture? We watched some of the strangest old hippies sing there..... Oh the memories

No Cool Story said...

I am glad you guys didn't go into the Lusty Lady, who knows what would have happened!

This post makes me so happy Elastic.
You + Carrot = Awesomeness

Elizabeth-W said...

Big O Tires has Free Beef month. I think it's in February. You can get a big ol' salami or some steaks or something if you buy tires during that month.
Feel free to make some more jokes.

Bee said...

This post made me hungry and thirsty! Have you tried lemonade with frozen strawberries?? Mmmmmm

Bee said...

I want that toilet so I can put it on my front lawn. Yup!

Heffalump said...

Sounds like a wonderful time! Seattle can be scary, so its good you had a professional tour guide like Carrot with you to show you the wildlife!

Lori said...

Wow...that was some trip you had! LOL I see you didn't lose your knack for finding unsuspecting vehicles for your humor! lol

SOunds like you had a blast!

Nancy Face said...

I LOVED reading this! :D

Lisa said...

Love the toilet art! We saw a toilet in a gazebo in Skagway, AK. I totally forgot about it and now it has been left out of my travel log blog post. :( Of course we have a picture!

The goodies would be so hard to pass up! Yum!

Nancy Face said...

I'm kind of sad you didn't get to look out the window on the plane...neither coming nor going! :(

Nancy Face said...

I totally would have been wanting to lick the leftovers from the wax paper too, because that's how I do.

I only do this in the privacy of my home, because I wouldn't want anybody to know stuff like that about me.

Nancy Face said...

LOVE the toilet...but the turds are just crappy.

Nancy Face said...

I wish I had a fluorescent orange fanny pack to humiliate Lauren with.

Nancy Face said...

Maybe Emo boy will think twice about borrowing Momma's car next time! ;

Nancy Face said...

I'm pretty sure those Honey Buckets aren't collecting honey.

Jean Knee said...

What? $2.00 for tzatziki sauce?
What an outrage, it should come with it for free
I'd have licked carrot's wrapper for sure.

souinds like ya had a blast! yessssss

CaLM RAPIDS said...

Your post was funny (as usual) and I enjoyed it immensely. I love Seattle but you showed me some scenes I have never seen before. We used to live by a Big O Tires and one of my literal children called it "Big backward C Tires cause that is not an O!"

jams o donnell said...

Sounds like you had a great time EWBL. Hmmm that toilet is not what I would purchase as art.. I'd want to get the loo brush out!

Amber said...

Pikes Peak Market = Canuck Paradise. Or American paradise, I don't know. One thing's for sure: those sporting elastic wasitbands sure know how to party!

aubrey said...

mm, piroshky piroshky. i love that place. and thought big 0 and honeybuckets were everywhere..i never knew we were so special here.

Jami said...

That toilet art reminds me of a story from my mission...

The honey bucket has got to be the most inappropriate naming since Chastity Bono.

I have come to the conclusion that you are most definitely NOT using dial-up. We're up to fifteen minutes to load your feature-rich pages. But as always, you are worth the effort.

artist against fake turds said...

Power to the people!

Millie said...

Wow. There's so much to see. See. See.

And Eat. Eat. Eat.

Lauren said...

Shut Up! I totally took a picture of The Honey Bucket when I was in Seattle. They love those things.

Pike Place Market is my own personal Mecca. Aubrey pointed our way to the best crepe restaurant of my life. I dream of that place daily.

...was sour enough that I think it curdled any future breast milk I might produce...
Best line in the post.

I saw that cabaret place too. Ted suggested we go in. Stupid Ted.

I am glad you had Carrot to show you everything! How fun :)

emos against people over 20 said...

leave us alone!

Palm Springs Savant said...

I love Seattle, and always enjoy going back to visit.

Hot Air said...

Holy cow- I have the same picture of Pikes from our little trip, but after reading the rest of your post, I wasn't so sure we went to the same city!

I've decided to give up on my goal of travel, and resign myself to seeing the world through Infidel eyes. This net address is a tourist attraction in itself.

Now if I can just find a place to carve.

"Hot Air was here."

Hilary said...

Sounds like you had a great time. So did I.. I felt like I was along for the ride. Thanks for that. :)

Alice said...

Hi Elastic!

Loved reading your update. Seems like everyone is working too hard to blog anymore. *weep*

Next summer babe - I wanna meet up with some blogger pals!

Nancy Face said...

Just stopped by to say hi, my friend! :)

BIG RICH said...

It was raining the night I got to Seattle.Loved your tour

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