Friday, October 17, 2008

Newspaper Wars Part 2: The Carrier Strikes Back

One of my beloved Chronicle customers fails to grasp the concept that by obnoxiously blocking her walkway with 2 huge trucks, I can't possibly deliver her newspaper on said walkway without smacking into her trucks.....and yet she continues to relentlessly call in to the feckless Chronicle customer service line and demand that her special walkway delivery instructions be followed.

My first instinct was to write a curt little note pointing out that when she decides to turn a public street into a private parking lot with her vehicles she's putting hers and her neighbor's homes and lives in jeopardy. If I can't see the curbside house numbers neither can the Police, or the Ambulance, or the Fire Department. Well, that's assuming that a fire truck could even manage to get anywhere near a blazing inferno of a home due to all the vehicles scattered about. Not to mention what could happen in the event of a sudden Pizza Emergency and the delivery guy gives up all hope of ever finding you and it ends with you, weeping and frozen into a pathetic state of Pizza Withdrawal.

Even though I'm completely exhausted and supremely irritated with able-bodied people who think they're entitled to special treatment, I decided to instead stuff her paper with a little letter of whimsy bemoaning my lack of any supernatural newspaper-throwing powers.

Don't mess with me, people. I'm armed with a sharp #2 pencil and a pad of paper and I'm NOT afraid to use it!

If you can't read the above correspondence that I wrote to the obviously brilliant customer who presumes that I can throw newspapers straight through 2 tons of automotive metal, here's the transcript:

Dear Cherished Subscriber,

So, you think I possess enough superhuman strength that I can deliver your paper from great distances and over 2 large vehicles parked vertically in front of your walkway?

HOW YOU FLATTER ME!!!!

Alas, I am but a mere mortal who lacks the benefit of a bionic arm.

I physically cannot possibly chuck your newspaper to your specified delivery location. Especially since I'm so busy trying to navigate my way around the many vehicles clogging your cul-de-sac.

I can't leap tall buildings in a single bound nor can I stop a speeding train. Don't tell that to my boss though because he thinks I'm the GREATEST carrier ever!

Love,
Your Carrier

I consider this akin to a Public Service Announcement.
I'm calling my non-profit group, GIVING A CLUE TO THE CLUELESS.
You can make your donation checks out directly to me.
Thanks.
Or you may choose to support my other cause benefitting newspaper workers like me who suffer from non-evolved paper carrier genetics.
If only we could grow an extra arm or something it would have make our lives a whole lot easier.

28 comments:

Aprillium said...

Ohhhhh I would PAY to see her reaction... cause people that do that usually get upset over stupid things! :)

Klin said...

Keep us updated. I've just gotta know if she got the clue.

Muahahahahahaha

I love your clever note. You could write one to me for something silly and I would frame it.

Jami said...

I love it. You need to write all of my sarcastic correspondence for me! I have a 1st Grade teacher who needs a clue. Do you think you could come up with something appropriate? :)

She freakin' FROWNIE-FACED my baby's phonics homework. A HUGE ff. :( Me's on the warpath. She made my sweet girl cry. :( :( :(

Elizabeth-W said...

Yeah, keep us in the loop. Can't wait to hear how compassionately and maturely the gal handles the situation.
You know she's gonna tell your boss, right? :)

VE said...

Can I get my paper hand delivered to my bedside with a smiley face on it and a glass of orange juice?

Heffalump said...

I bet she enjoyed that! She has probably already called the Boss to complain too...
What you need is a small, trained dog that can carry the paper to the right spot by running underneath the parked vehicles. Maybe the newspaper would pay for you to have a trained helper.

Maddy said...

Some people!

Suburban Hippie said...

Your job makes it hard to like people... I have a hard time just reading about it.

carrie said...

You may not have a bionic arm but you do have a sublime sense of humor which you have to have in order to deliver papers. Some days you had two choices to laugh or cry.

LaDawn said...

With all of the boys that we have, we've endured several paper routes.
I would have liked you to write letters to some of the people that my boys delivered papers to.

Bee said...

HEE HEE HA HAW! It boggles the mind how people can be so demanding!

omar said...

This is fantastic! I wish I had the nads to write something like this to some of my customers at work.

Not that I'm saying you have nads. I mean... you know what I mean.

J-Mom said...

I love the Giving a Clue to the Clueless!

You could use all donations to purchase that bionic arm:) (OR NOT!!!)

Nancy Face said...

You and your note are AWESOME! :D

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

Meh. Some of the wording on that note was kind of clunky. But, you know, it was like 3:30 in the morning and I was pissed to find yet another note from customer service. I'm not at my sharpest at 3:30 in the morning.

Sadly, they still have the paper from yesterday lying out on the front walkway.

I hope they'll get the chance to appreciate my sweet little love note to them very soon.

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

Omar, funny you should mention nads. I won't go into graphic detail (much) but you know post-birth hemorrhoidal action looks suspiciously like a misplaced nad set.

Oh, and I know that the customers pay a pretty high subscription price for the honor and the privilege of getting the Chronicle. However, some of them need to learn that The Chronicle is not a profit sharing company and the carriers haven't gotten a cost of living wage in over 20 years.

We are not the customers personal servants. Unless the customer is handicapped or infirm in some way I refuse to go above and beyond my basic job description. Especially when the customer is actively making my job more difficult. I have been known to make exceptions for big time Christmas tippers. :) But you know what? The people that tip the most generous are also the ones that give me less grief. It's the stingy people who are the jerkiest subscribers.

eve cleveland said...

Hahahaha! Giggled and stumbled, Girl! I'm comin back, so write some more.
Eve

Sketchy said...

Did you actually write that AND deliver it?

In the words of the mama Eagle to Bugs Bunny, "And Joo? Jou are my Heee-ro!"

Does that joke work outside my family?

Sketchy said...

I wanted to type that Joo (or Jou) as Jew just because then everyone would understand the phonetics of Mrs. Mama Eagle. But alas I don't still have my post-delivery hemoroidial nads.

Jean Knee said...

go Kinky!

Hey It's Di said...

Wow! I was shocked to learn in this post that you DON'T have super human strength nor a bionic arm! What the???

First the economy and government is going down the toilet and now Elastic is human! I'm going back to bed now;)

P.S. I would totally crack up if I received that letter!

jams o donnell said...

Ach if the customer is going to be an ass and park vehicles like an idiot why should you have to go above and beyond. Some people are just jerks

Lisa said...

Not your best at 3:30am?! I loved it! I can't wait to hear what happens next!

Chell said...

If she replies, PLEASE tell us what she says!

Thats just classic!

Good on you!!!

Physcokity said...

"GIVING A CLUE TO THE CLUELESS." I fully support this cause and you can be expecting to see my check in the mail... ;)

Tracy said...

Oh wise and great Infidel,
I am saddened to hear that you don't possess any of the bionic strengths that I always just assumed you had.
But you know, maybe you could get your boss to pay for you to have one of those cadaver arms transplanted onto your body and then the third arm would become a reality. Surely, they would cover that.

Melissa said...

I still think you have super powers! Just because you throw on your "Clark Kent" glasses doesn't mean I can't see right through your disguise!
Glad you liked the socks :)

Darlene said...

Hey, Lady,

Thanks for commenting on my blog! Yours is hilarious. I think anyone who delivers newspapers is already superhuman. (I thought about getting one of those jobs to share with oldest, who is 12--until I called them and found out how amazingly difficult the job is! You are a saint!) I always give big tips.