Sunday, December 07, 2008

Ross: You Stole My Chubby Heart With Your Chubby-Chasin Ways

Oh Ross, how can I ever possibly thank you properly for all that you've done for me?

Yesterday, I needed it. I needed it real bad. And you gave it to me!

It's no secret that something's been missing from my life for a very long time. Something that's left me feeling incomplete and exposed.

Until yesterday's fateful Saturday morn, I despaired of ever finding one who could fulfill my exacting demands and selfish desires as well as appreciating my cascading rolls of fat that I coquettishly like to refer to as "lovely lady lumps."

And then came you, Ross.....beautiful, beautiful, you.

For years I've tried desperately to deny how special you are, even going out of my way to distance myself by speaking ill of you in front of friends and family. I even remarked that I wouldn't ever visit with you or see you again-we both know I'm a dirty liar. Truth is, I just can't stay away from you, my dearest Ross. You're just so inviting. I'm no longer ashamed to let everyone know the deep and abiding love we share with one another.

Despite having to pay you for your services, Ross, that doesn't cheapen our relationship--not for one instant! You were worth every penny, too!

Thanks for providing me with all-day comfort at a low, low price. Not to mention how you hug my curvy hippo hips without ever doing anything rude or untoward like chafing my thighs or invading my butt crack.

I hope I don't wear you out too soon! I have a habit of doing that to the ones I love.

My husband, Papi told me I'm not allowed to visit you until next month. Blah, blah.....something about finances and budgets.....blah, blah. He just doesn't understand us and the gravitational pull we have for each other, you know?

I'm sure I can break away for a heart-pounding rendezvous with you sometime in early January. Keep the light on for me, okay?

All My Love,
Elasticwaistbandlady (Who Finally Has Some Comfy Non-Elasticwaistband Jeans!)

P.S. Ross, could you please tell your business associate friends that fat ladies don't necessarily like all of their pants/jeans to be freakin pedal pusher capris or made of knit cotton--especially in the winter. If we were truly pedal pushers-as the misnomer garment name implies-we wouldn't need to be purchasing a size XXX, now would we?











26 comments:

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

So yeah. After a long and fruitless search I finally (FINALLY!) have some decent blue jeans to wear.

I was walking out to go pay when I spotted them hanging there all alone on the clearance rack. My size. My preferred denim color. Levi's brand. $12.99. Yes, you read that right. $12.99.

They fit GREAT! I may never want to take them off. They're boot cut and they swing awesome over my VANS sneakers with the little flamingos all over them.

I bought a pair of black jeans too for $9.99. They fit okay. I certainly wouldn't say that "once you go black, you never go back" about them, though.

My many and storied collection of capri jeans will live on making their debut sometime in April or so. Be on the lookout for my fatted white calves and sexy novelty socks!

Stacey said...

Yay for good deals! Ross satisfies me every time.

Don't even get me started on the makers of "womens" apparel.

Jean Knee said...

For a moment I thought you were referring to Ross Perot.


Well, it is that elfy time of year.

b. said...

Plus....we don't like animal print or loud floral ALL OVER OUR BODIES either!

joanna said...

Ross and I used to be amazing buddies, but I don't know where to find him where I live now. I LOVE LOVE LOVE his cheap prices and the way he makes me feel after the whole experience is over.

Anyway, I also feel the same way about Ross Perot.

omar said...

I haven't owned a pair of jeans since the mid 90's. They just never fit right. (sigh) Maybe I can find my own Ross someday...

Hey It's Di said...

Ross can cover me anytime! I will probably be going to see him in January too. Maybe we can meet up there and he will give us a two for one??

Rebecca said...

Congratulations on bonding with Ross!

He's not close to me at all. Maybe someday I'll be introduced to him.

Does Papi like your new jeans?

Hilary said...

I don't think your Ross has ever been north of the border. But a well-fitting pair of jeans is a happiness all its own.

S said...

Amen! Amen! Amen! I can't believe how bad clothes fit after a certain single digit size. (Which I haven't seen in 15 years) I am truly seeking out some suspenders at the moment to hold these stretchy jeans I have up. I do not have a Ross locally anymore so I am just sad now. But oh so happy for you!

Science Teacher Mommy said...

In response to your Nicole Kidman bit: did said clothing make you look like you were 5 foot 9 and weigh about 120 pounds? Because I'm pretty much guessing that Nicole's "classic and timeless" would be STM's "short and dumpy." NK could wear a garbage sack and look like she stepped off the runway. Of course, she'd still have that botoxed marble face . . .

Suzanne said...

$12.99 for Levi's? You rock, Elastic! You understand my love of clearance shopping!

I wonder if men will ever understand the gravitational pull that women have with clothing, especially clothing that fits well! ;)

aubrey said...

i adore the name aurora and have for so long. problem is, it is a hard word to say, what with the r and the o. and i said it with your last name and busted out laughing. so true, scooby-do. heehee.

Yvonne said...

If Ross could only come North ; ) I used to shop there all the time, maybe on my next trip to the U.S.

Suburban Hippie said...

I can never find pants that are long enough at places like Ross :( I do tend to find cute skirts and shirts and really cute decorations for the house there though.

I had how all jeans are stretchy these days. I start the day out with my pants being too tight and by the end of the day the crotch is by my knees - BAH!

nikko said...

I loves me some Ross, too!

Amen to Suburban Hippie. My current favorite pair jeans fits great the day I wash it, but after one wearing they're all stretched out and falling off. Ugh. So annoying.

Rhonda said...

I like Ross, but you won't catch me dead in a pair of blue jeans. My ass is just not made for jeans. Congrats on your find though!

P.S. If you do catch me dead in some, kill my husband immediately.

JustRandi said...

Apparently Ross has relationships with a lot of women.
And I thought it was just me!

Millie said...

I thought this would be about Ross Geller.

Or H. Ross Perot.

Silly me. Congrats on the jeans! Way to cover your butt.

hollylynn said...

wahoo! we are totally musical kindred spirits! i think that your playlist will be keeping me company as i edit/write/email/update spreadsheets tomorrow.

i don't have satellite radio, but i do the internet radio thing. i've been listening to "my" station for like 6 years so it knows me better than anyone. :)

heart your blog. will surely be back! come say hi whenever you'd like.

123 checkoutourfamily said...

Alright! I love it when you find some good jeans. See, I have a hard time finding jeans too. I'm too short and my thighs are on the wider side so it makes it hard. I usually have to roll or cut my jeans. The ones that are short enough are kids jeans and there's no way I can get those pants on.

I told Matt we can't have a summer baby b/c I'll turn into a marshmellow. Bless your heart for going through that.

J-Mom said...

I'm so happy for you. I think you might have inspired me to go check out our Ross. I can't find jeans to save my life! I tried two on in the W section. I tried the larger size first. They were huge!! I was all excited, because I thought I'd be going down a size. Next size down and I couldn't button them! UGH!!!! Why are their sizes so drastic?

Heffalump said...

I was totally picturing Ross from Friends in my head for that whole post.

Nancy Face said...

I'm so glad you found great jeans! And $12.99 is just plain UNBELIEVABLE! Hooray! :D

Nancy Face said...

I hate clothes shopping, but I look for jeans in thrift stores. Once in a great while I score a sweet deal on jeans that fit.

Physcokity said...

You and Rachel...

MW calls this store...Cross dress for less