Tuesday, March 17, 2009

And All The Sailors Say: "Elastic, You're A Fine Girl....."

The sailors also say: "What a good wife you would be."
They obviously haven't had many in-depth discussions with my man, Papi.
Okay, so I've only flung myself into Hokey Karaoke twice in my entire life.....and the world is a much better place for that decision.
Coincidentally, both of the times I faced sudden stage death I chose to sing the most recognized of the ode-to-chicks-named-after-alcohol songs, "Brandy."
Hey, I tend to stick with what I know.
Maybe next time I'll diversify and perform a totally sober version of "Margaritaville." I'll whip out a salt shaker during the grand finale and proclaim: "Here it is! As Jimmy Buffet as my witness, I will never search for my lost shaker of salt again......"
As me and my backup singer Sunbum took the stage, I huskily spoke into the microphone dedicating the song "to all my peeps who find infinite musical inspiration from the stylings of Kroger in-store radio."
And after that lively intro, a bunch of raucous DOO-DOO burst forth from the speakers.
That would be the DOO-DOO background chorus.
The Looking Glass sure did like to surround their "Brandy" with a lot of DOO-DOO.
At the end of our performance I gleefully told the audience that I had been saving up all my powerful DOO-DOO just for them.
They didn't seem impressed.
Anyway, before each and every "Brandy" refrain I encouraged the audience to sing along with me. Nobody did. At least not out loud.
Undeterred, I embraced my inner lounge singer and started dialoguing in between the lyrics...."What did all the sailors say? Come on, I can't hear you! All the sailors said Brandy, you're a fine girl...."
By the way, I was wearing my amazing tie-dye sneakers. I credit them with keeping me swaying and stepping in time to the Brandy-soaked rhythm.
The remainder of non-participating mini-Infidels later remarked that roughly half the audience did indeed lip sync along and seemed genuinely amused at our antics. The other half though, well, they appeared torn between looking embarrassed for us and/or sitting completely stone-faced as though "Brandy" didn't have the power to save their mortal soul.
Luckily, I know different and can readily bear the testimony of "Brandy" at any given moment.
Oh, I saved the best part for last. The venue happened to be a gathering of Constitutionally-minded people participating in the newly-instituted 912 Project that's predicated on an ideology based not on politics, but on principles and values.
I wanted to start a Conservative Conga Line, but my inner voice nixed the idea. It might be viewed as a tad too risque to lead a room full of people into grabbing at stranger's hips while lining up, one behind the other, to shake it jungle-style to Gloria Estefan. As it is, I think some folks already assumed that I must have spiked my Diet Coke with a hidden Brandy flask.
I'll admit it: I DO LOVE my "Brandy."

The Looking Glass guy who sings "Brandy" looks nothing like I assumed! The official article on Wikipedia details how he started a heavy metal band just a few years later. How you evolve from squeezing out soft processed cheese like "Brandy" to heavy metal, is beyond rationality. It is amusing to note, however, that the Red Hot Chili Peppers also did a rousing cover of this song.

I don't care what anyone says: I'm going to make it a point to serve up "Brandy" at all my parties.....and you should too! I bet Brandy likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain while wasting away in Margaritaville with her friends Jose Cuervo and Sherry. Poor Sherry, she's still on the run from that stalker, Steve Perry. He's relentless even though she told him it would never work out because Sherry Perry makes for an abominable married name.


Millie said...

SHERRRY! SHERRY BABY! There, there's another one for you.

But you know what's missing? A song about a girl named "Bourbon."

Heffalump said...

What scares me is that the guy singing the song has his shirt tied in a knot Daisy Duke Style. There is just something wrong with that...

Suzanne said...

You and Sunbum look so much alike in the pictures!

Sherry Perry!?! Elastic how on earth do you come up with the stuff? :D

Elastic, I think your writing is amazing and very "unturgid." :)

Tracys Ramblings said...

You know, I like that you're bringing variety to karoke. I've never heard Brandy at any karoke events that I've ever been to.
Of course, where I come from, the only song that the drunken women know is "Bobby McGee" by Janis Joplin.
You just can't hear that one murdered enough!
And I have to say, I'm kind of disappointed that your tye dyed sneakers weren't in either of those pictures. I was really looking forward to seeing them.

Nancy Face said...

I SOOO wish I'd been there! I would have been singing out loud with you! In fact, Security would have had their hands full trying to keep me from joining you on stage!

Carrot Jello said...

I'll bring my lighter next time.

Suburban Hippie said...

Your only problem is that you went to a place Sunbum could get into. When I sing Karaoke in front of people I want to be sure they are good and drunk - that way they think I'm amazing.

Palm Springs Savant said...

how fun. you made me smile today!

Cicily Isabel Fairfield said...

Carrot owns a lighter???

Carrot Jello said...

Yeah, and I totally use it all the time.

jams o donnell said...

YOu make a great team! Sadly no dancing for me what with my whole right leg being in a cast!

Jean Knee said...

The only time I ever sang Karaoke was to an AC/DC song with my sister and the guy turned the mic off on us. no one threw a tomato though.

Chris Wood said...

You know, you can drink things that aren't names. That's REALLY important.

Unless you know people called "beer" and "whiskey." Then that would be fine.