Wednesday, May 27, 2009

We Spotted A Colossal Hung Dong While Cruising The Streets Of Houston

*WARNING: This post may offend your puritanical sensibilities. May I redirect you to something more sanitized and boringly wholesome? Perhaps you'd like to visit The Pioneer Woman and gaze upon yet another cow snapshot? It's all part of her Billion Bovine pictorial movement. What about cow labor laws? Are those cattle getting reimbursed for their exploitation at the hands of that scurrilous Pioneer Woman???!? Anyway, I cannot be held responsible for any facial marks you may incur from furiously slapping your hand to your gaping mouth while reading the shocking contents of this post.*

In its three plus years of existence The Smiling Infidel has never once featured Hung Dong pictures. So when the opportunity arose to capture this magnificent Hung Dong, I seized upon it. I consider my friend Carrot Jello to be one of the most spiritual and morally upstanding people I've ever met; and yet even she giggled like a little girl at the sight of an eerily glowing Hung Dong that beckoned to us from beyond the darkened roadway.......well, actually, she giggled after recovering from the whiplash she suffered from my abrupt full speed U-Turn action.

I think we're all in agreement here that HUNG DONG is an unfortunate name for a food market.
Can you imagine putting Hung Dong on your resume? "Uh yes, I worked briefly as a janitor at Hung Dong. It was a filthy thankless job trying to keep that Hung Dong clean. I got tired of mopping up constant spills."

The Infidel family usually shops at Kroger's grocery store. I used to own a T-shirt that I got during a customer appreciation promotion. It screamed "I LOVE KROGER'S!" in big white letters. Now let's just picture a similar giveaway from Hung Dong, shall we? I'm thinking it might give off the wrong impression to walk around wearing a garment that declares: "I LOVE HUNG DONG!" across the front.

As a general rule Hung Dong refuses to sell cocktail smokies. You'll never find a store circular advertising "The Hung Dong Now Has Little Weenies!" No, clearly the Hung Dong prefers to engage only in mondo sausage sale celebrations. They must maintain and protect their image and street cred, people.

I wonder if Hung Dong is a chain, a franchise, or a one location only kind of store? Does the owner walk around bragging to everyone he meets about his amazing Hung Dong? The proprietor obviously takes good care of his Hung Dong. Notice the impenetrable shield designed to keep Hung Dong safe?

I'll bet certain words are forbidden within the confines of the Hung Dong boardroom. In regards to discouraging sales figures the manager avoids his first instinct to sigh excessively and say things like "Oh crap, the old Hung Dong is really sagging these days." Other banished terms include "droopy" and "limp." Approved Hung Dong business words: stiff, steady growth, spread sheets, endurance, and greater volume.

So is Houston the only place where you can find a decent Hung Dong? Do other cities have a Hung Dong or will we Houstonians gain yet another title to add to our growing collection that includes The Fattest City, The Space City, and Bayou City? Hung Dong Houston. I like it. I can envision the tourism board pamphlet now: Come Visit Houston.....You'll Love Our Hung Dong!



Sometimes I get a little carried away. I was thinking about Hung Dong all day yesterday while working.....and I couldn't stop laughing.

One day I may mature beyond the mental age of 16. One day.

Nancy Face said...

Oh, you crack me up! :D

Crissie said...

OK, this is one of the funniest things I've read.
I've never been anywhere near a Hung Dong before. Perhaps I'll get the chance one day...

Stacey said...

"One day I may mature beyond the mental age of 16"

NOOOOO! Then I will have to grow up too..and I don't wanna.

I can't stop giggling. You find the most hilarious stuff.

I love this post and I love you.

JustRandi said...

Hey, when you get those t-shirts printed, let me know!

Jean Knee said...

spread sheet

hheeee heeeee

J-Mom said...

Still laughing so hard, can't think of anything to say!

Jo's Outlet said...

I wish I could come up with something more creative to say than LLLLLOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jean Knee said...

every time I think of Hung Dong I feel so......................................................................hungry

Palm Springs Savant said...

Obviously I missed this when you first posted it last year. Hilarious.

thanks for sharing!