Monday, July 20, 2009

Dance And The World Dances With You......Sometimes


Kroger's grocery traditionally only plays the lamest of the lame on their in-store radio. They're single-handedly resurrecting the soothing soft rock favorites that time (mercifully) forgot.
After a particularly mind-numbing shopping experience where the overhead speakers blared both the Titanic theme song and "The Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald" back-to-back, I came to the conclusion that their programmer harbors an unhealthy ship wreck fixation.
Keep that man away from a career in the cruise ship D.J. field!
Sometimes the music is so bleak that I automatically go into announcer mode with my snarky-malarkey radio voice. My announcements usually go something like this: "Sad Sack Radio: All the saddest songs, all the time! Kindly vacate the rat poison and kitchen knife aisles before the next suicidal tune in this very special Depress-A-Thon music mix!"
If you happen to survive the sentimental sounds wreaking havoc on your emotions then you'll be well prepared to take on over the narcolepsy-inducing aspect of so many sllllooooowwwwww songs played right in a row.
It's not just on major thoroughfares that you have to worry about people falling asleep at the wheel. It's a good thing Kroger's sells No Doz tablets, otherwise the shopping basket fatalities resulting from customers nodding off while pondering which Hamburger Helper to buy this week would be much greater.
How many eggs and pasta sauce jars must be sacrificed before Kroger's deigns to plays some peppier stuff?
I get the slow music strategy, though. It's all a sinister marketing ploy.
See, the more plodding the music, the greater the likelihood a customer will linger longer. The shoppers essentially become unwitting victims, aimlessly wandering down the aisles in a lite rock-infused daze. Muskrat Love always has that effect on me anyways. So, basically, all of this leads to impulse buying and increased spending.
It's freakin diabolical but incredibly genius at the same time.
So imagine my surprise while shopping last Friday night, with my entire entourage of mini-Infidels in tow, when the K-Roger Discotheque actually played a kickin' J. Lo song. Not just that, but it was a funky dance remix of J. Lo's club hit "Get Right."
I was powerless to resist the rump-shaking urges that "Get Right" always induces. I swear that the milk section had been completely vacant prior to my dancing jiggling exhibition with giant string cheese tumbleweeds rolling down the desolate aisle. But then, much to my horror, I turned around slowly just in time to witness at least 5 other Kroger shoppers frozen in shock, staring at me with wide eyes and mouths agape.
Apparently my milk shake doesn't bring all the boys to the yard.....but it does bring all the customers to the dairy aisle.
Embarrassed at my uncharacteristic display of craziness, I took my mini-Infidels and hid in the secluded safety of the clearance corner until I was sure that all the involuntary spectators had moved on.
Sunbum, the oldest, kept reassuring me that it was fine. She remarked that the people looked on disapproving because they wondered what the heck someone could be so happy about that they'd dance a jig right in the middle of the grocery store. Sunbum said they were probably jealous of my uninhibited spontaneity.
I'm sure that's it.
The moral of the story is that one should always avoid the advice set forth by hand-painted plaques and cheesy gift shop merchandise.
I did indeed dance like no one was watching. Regrettably though, people were watching. In fact, it felt as though ALL the eyes of Texas were upon me eyeballing my lack of rhythm, grace, and coordination.
I could almost hear that mysterious voice from Field Of Dreams echoing, "IF YOU SHAKE IT, THEY WILL COME!"
Well then, I guess in the future I'll be a little more discerning about where and when I choose to bust a move since it's like a beacon for all to gather round and stare in wide wonder.
Here's a few helpful lifestyle tips I've composed just for you:

  • Sing Like Nobody Is Listening You Just Had Your Vocal Chords Removed.
  • Work Like You Don't Need The Money Vindictive Vinnie And His Sidekick Liver Lips Louie Are Waiting At Your House, Crowbar In Hand, For This Month's Protection Payment.
  • Dance Like Nobody Is Watching You're At A Southern Baptist Convention.
  • Love Like You've Never Been Hurt Everyone Is Made Out Of Peanut Butter And You'll Go Into Anaphylactic Shock If You Get Too Close.
  • Blog Like Nobody Is Reading You Ain't Making No Money Out Of It. (Oh wait, I think I already got this one down.)

P.S. This is my new theme song to life. The first few lines address the unfortunate occurrence of getting laughed at while dancing--to which Aussie Ben Lee chirpily croons "I Feel SAD For You, You Never Take A Chance!" Awesome.
BEN LEE--WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT FEELING GOOD?

26 comments:

CaLM RAPIDS said...

I'm almost embarrassed to admit this, I love the songs at Kroger. I know the words to all the songs and hum along and even sing sometimes. Although, I do find that I linger longer and probably spend way more money than I need to. Thanks for the warning! Maybe I should try shopping with ear plugs.

Klin said...

So you are saying that I should probably not be dancing while shopping? I never care who hears me sing, but I have never looked to see who is watching me shake my groove thing ;)

Heffalump said...

Our local store is Fred Meyer, which is owned by Kroger. They like to play a lot of cheating songs such as "Savin' all my love for you" and "Part Time Lovers".
The worst was working graveyard there during the Christmas seasons. Yes, they leave that music on all night to and torture the employees. It was all Holiday music, none of it religious in any way. The "Happy Elf" song by Harry Connick Jr and "Is that you, Santa Clause?" are on my list of all time hated Christmas songs.

Jami said...

LOVE your lifestyle tips. You could make serious money with some of those. ;)

Stacey said...

Now I have the milkshake song in my head.

We have a Smith's store,which is similar to Krogers. I know all of the songs and I start singing without even realizing I'm doing it. "Secret lovers,yeah..that's what we are.."

Jean Knee said...

I love that muskrat love too....

Nancy Face said...

Oh, no!!! I must confess that I would linger at Kroger's if I got to hear the Titanic theme song or "The Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald". Recently they played Josh Groban and I was in hog heaven. I think I even bought some bacon!

Elastic Dances With Cheese Puffs said...

Calm Rapids: I know what you did last summer.......well, at least part of the time anyway since we saw you pretty often at the same Kroger's we shop at.

Anyway, they alternate their music frequently so that you never quite know what to expect. Kroger's radio has schizophrenia! This morning at 5:35 they were playing Ozzy Osbourne's Crazy Train followed by some kind of thumpin bass disco song. The cashier told me they kicked off the night playing country music. I happen to like moldy oldies(Chicago is my favorite group!).....just not the painfully slow or overly sloppy romantic songs.

Elastic Hates Government Class said...

Forgive my lack of communication......our main computer crashed last night and I'm studying for yet another summer semester test.

Maddy said...

I have no choice but to stick ear buds in and listen to downloaded newscasts.......the unending tales of worldwide misery always seems to cheer me up somehow.
Cheers

carrie said...

I just got a new magnet that says, "Dance like no one who is quailified to commit you is watching."

Rhonda said...

LOL ... I have Muskrat Love on my iPod. But only because my hubby had never heard it and didn't believe it incorporated Muskrat chirpy noises.

Palm Springs Savant said...

Kroger owns Ralph's grocery store, here in S. Cal. I like that soft, easy rock stuff. So I am GUILTY!

glo said...

I'd really like those bumper stickers....you rock it and don't you give in!

glo said...

I'd really like those bumper stickers....you rock it and don't you give in!

Shelley said...

In Colorado, our Kroger store is King Soopers. C'mon, how do you not love "All I Need" by Frisco Jones? I mean, Jack Wagner. And "Hold On", by Jamie Walters of Beverly Hills 90210 fame. Even though he was famous for beating Donna, but I never really liked her anyway.

Suzanne said...

"shopping basket fatalities" LOL! And here I thought I was walking around in a stupor at the store because I wasn't sleeping much at night! ;) Elastic, I would have been honored to see you shake it at the store! :)

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Lilac A. Rugg said...

"Apparently my milk shake doesn't bring all the boys to the yard.....but it does bring all the customers to the dairy aisle" is my favorite.

You already know how I feel about anesthetic tunes... you know why they play those songs, don't you? It's a proven fact that slow music makes customers take their time in the store, so they'll stay there and buy more crap.

It doesn't work on me but it does make me swoony in the aisles.

Physcokity said...

Thanks for this song. Me likey. A-LOT. :D

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Crystal said...

Our Kroger is the same way...perhaps minus the boat songs...

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Maddy said...

I never dance and sing at the same time - especially since humming and whistling are banned!