Thursday, November 05, 2009

Who's Afraid Of The Big Bad KISS?

Well, for starters, I AM!

Yeah, I'll admit a child I was freakin terrified of KISS, KISSes, KISSing and all things KISS-related.
You might say that these mutated monsters of metal music scared me KISS-less.
My degenerate second cousin used to have his room wallpapered with freaky KISS posters.
Consequently, I was too scared as a 6-year old to even tiptoe past his room if the door was open enough for me and KISS to make any sort of eye contact.
My cousin thought this was absolutely hilarious and he made it his life mission to terrorize me as much as possible.
I'll never forget the day he stood outside his closed door and told me that he replaced all his KISS posters with pictures of Kenny Rogers. Then he asked me if I'd like to go in and see for myself.
Let me add that this was Kenny Rogers in his pre-chop shop cosmetic surgery days. Fear the reaper, man but don't fear the Kenny Rogers!
I got one foot in the door before my cousin shoved me in the rest of the way. Then he simultaneously slammed and barricaded the door thus trapping me inside his hellish KISS torture chamber.
He stood outside laughing while I screamed hysterically and banged on the door to get out.
This probably goes a long way towards explaining why him and his KISS obsession are currently sitting on Death Row in the Indiana State Penitentiary.
Mama, don't let your babies grow up to be KISS fanatics.
Which brings me to the main point of my post.....I was serving duty as a reader for my Melody's first grade class a couple weeks ago.
Since it was close to Halloween, I asked the kids what they were going to dress up as.
There was the usual assortment of princesses, fairies, Batman, vampires, etc. but then one dimpled and gap-toothed little boy excitedly blurted out, "I'm going as Gene Simmons from KISS for Halloween!!! Do you know who he is?!?!?"
Uh yeah kid, as a matter-of-fact I DO know who he is.
Me and Gene Simmons kind of have an awkward history between us.
So, a six-year old dressing up as Gene Simmons. That's fantastic! I only hope that he went trick-or-treating with a mini Alice Cooper tossing bloody Barbie heads about.
Oooh, and maybe a pint-sized version of Ozzy Osborne with his trademark headless bat dangling out of his mouth too just to make a complete set of inappropriate children's costumes!
No word on if the Gene Simmons get-up came with a pointy prosthetic tongue and a patch of glue-on chest hair. I'm fairly positive that the Plastic Playboy Playmate companion is sold separately.


nikko said...

**rubs eyes in disbelief**

A new post? Woot! KISS is so scary.

Nancy Face said...


Does this poor little boy even have parents? KISS has always scared me, and always will! :0

Millie said...

I would dress up as Paul Stanley. He's hot.

I agree with Nancy... really? What idiot parents are agreeing to this?

Millie said...

(I'm so glad to see you again!!)

Carrot Jello said...

Call me, don't be afraid you can call me. Maybe it's late, but just call me.

Jillybean said...

Kiss always scared me too.

I think we have the same cousin.

Jillybean said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Suzanne said...

Elastic, you posted!!!

That is hilarious that a little Kindergartener would even know who Gene Simmons is. LOL!

I hope everything is going well for you with your classes. :)

CaLM RAPIDS said...

Some kids parents! I'd like to be a fly on the wall in their house. On second thought, no i wouldn't.

Stacey said...

Elastic!! I've missed you..missed you much! Love your profile pic! Whit whoo!

A 6 year old dressing up as Gene Simmons =

J-Mom said...

Love to see you again!

I lost it when the kid asked you if you knew who Gene Simmons was. Too funny. Almost like asking if you know who Madonna or Cher is.

Don't think I was every haunted by KISS, but never got them either. I know I was older than 6 before I knew of them. I do like to watch Gene Simmons Family Jewels for some odd reason.

BTW--My four yr. old has named you Fantastic Elastic:)

Amber said...

I would not usually recommend reality television as therapy, but I think a few episodes of Gene Simmons Family Jewels should fix you right up. He's very non-threatening and a bit womanly. I think adult you will be able to convince horror stricken child you that Gene Simmons is now a withered old woman, so no need to fear!

Annie said...

After reading the first paragraph, I'm like, "I bet this guy's in jail." But, death row, even?

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aubrey said...

are you serious about your cousin being on death row?

and i am horrified at this child's parents even exposing him to anything KISS related. freaky deaky.

and even more freaky thinking about ozzy and his bat dangling out of his mouth. ick.

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