Monday, January 17, 2011

Stuff From 2010 I Hope Never Happens Again: Part 1

While gathered together with my family at the dinner table for our traditional Christmas Day dinner I glimpsed my mother gazing at me wonderingly.
I honestly thought she was going to uncharacteristically burst forth with a display of maternal emotion to gather me in her motherly arms while smothering me with love and exclamations of how profoundly grateful she is for me, her one and only daughter.
I smiled widely at her in anticipation.
And then,  my mother extended a single finger to tenderly touch the side of my face before recoiling in horror and blurting out "Holy crap what is that? Are those SIDEBURNS?!!!?? You really need to take care of that, Fifi* because you look absolutely ridiculous like you're trying to channel Elvis or something."
Everyone seated at the table laughed. I felt really self-conscious and put my turtleneck shirt up over my face so that only my eyes remained a Ninja Elvis.
It's obvious this blog should be renamed The Smiling Sideburn.
I'll look into that today.

*Fifi is my mom's nickname for me since the horrible home perm experiment that went tragically awry in the mid 80's


Nancy Face said...

Oh, nooo! :O

Elizabeth-W said...

What a great mom for telling you!


Yeah, but nobody has any idea what exactly I should do about it because they're ALL blondies or redheads and don't suffer the same obvious hirsute problems that I do. :(

I knew a black haired lady at church that got hers shaved like a man's but that looked weird, too.

Maybe I should just go all postal peroxide on the offensive sideburns hairs?

Elizabeth-W said...

I have a good friend who is Iraqi. At BYU we would have lip bleaching parties. Except she'd do her sideburns, too.
If it's dark peach fuzz, shaving is one thing. If it's man hair, don't. Get yourself to the hormone doctor.
How do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her.

Carrot Jello said...

At least they weren't mutton chops. Everyone would have looked at you like you were a piece of meat.

Jami said...

Meanie mommy.

My son made a similar proclamation regarding my mustache during the sacrament a few weeks ago. Dude, I'm trying to think about Jesus and now all I can think about is revenge. So not cool.

Deena said...

I have similar hirsute problems. I always have. I have tried everything imaginable. What I have settled on...I bought my own pot of wax and a wax warmer. The total cost was the same that I would spend on one trip to the salon for a wax, so it has more than paid for itself in the past four months.

Maybe during your next family dinner, you can loudly point out a giant flaw of your mother's.

Elizabeth-W said...

That is like when my then six year old asked me about the "cuts" on my face. Right in the middle of the Sacrament.
She meant my crow's feet.

Super Happy Girl said...

I feel your pain Elastic. At least my mom hasn't mentioned that during family dinner...You win.

"I knew a black haired lady at church that got hers shaved like a man's but that looked weird, too." Oh man, so horrible.

I didn't want to laugh at EW's comment. Yet I did. Bad EW!

jams o donnell said...

Err I am glad my mum has never said anything like that to me. I am glad I was never called Fifi either but mum did call me Booboo when I was a littlun!

Carrot Jello said...

c'mon, show the pimp kit.