I was contemplating irony and Murphy's Law among a few other things and compiled a mental list.
1. Sunbum is now forbidden from wearing the T-shirt she got at vacation Bible school last year with the name of the Church and a ginormous cross down the front. Sunbum only wears it around the house but EVERY time she puts it on, a member of our Church stops by. Once, a member of our Bishropic came over and noticed her shirt immediately. I'm sure he was wondering why we're advertising other faiths.
2. The absolute worst feeling in the world is getting out of the shower clean and refreshed and then the urge to use the toilet strikes.
3.If I have the radio on at home it is guaranteed that a guy will stop by and an overtly suggestive song will immediately start to play. Last time it was our exterminator, I had it on the 80's station and 'Pour Some Sugar On Me', started blaring through the house. The guy who came to our door last summer selling Christian videos was treated to 'I Want Your Sex', by George Michael. Honestly, I censor this stuff for my own kids but the minute I'm occupied, objectionable music starts to play. The missionaries were here when 'Sex And Candy' (rivaling Hollaback Girl for worst song ever) came on. It was a very awkward moment and I jumped up to turn off the stereo.
4. I can tolerate quite a bit of bad behavior from my kids in public and I will patiently remind them that they need to stop pushing each other, whining, yelling, etc. and I never see anyone that I know. The very second that I threaten them and tell them I'm taking them out to the parking lot for a beating is when an acquaintance or Church member will eerily appear before me. EVERY TIME!
5. Another, is unavoidable things that come along with being a human. I usually make sure the coast is clear before delicately extracting a big wedgie, but to no avail. Whenever the job is completed I can expect to have at least one set of disgusted eyes on me. I rarely pick my nose but sometimes you have the annoying one that flits in and out of your nostril with your respiration. You HAVE to pick it out. I feel safe in my truck with tinted windows but alas, a co-worker saw me and announced loudly, "Hey, I saw you picking your nose while driving". He is a known jester type so I think he was just kidding, but one never knows, does one? Finally, the spray of saliva that springs forth when engaged in a conversation is the worst. I choose to ignore it but it's embarrassing.
6. The moment I take off my hard working bra so I can roam around the house unfettered is when a neighbor or friend or worse a Church member will stop by and then I have to conduct the entire conversation with my arms crossed over my chest.
7. Your empty stomach WILL growl ferociously at the exact moment of complete silence. Especially at Church where the Chapel amplifies every little sound.
8. The rest is the usual. Whenever we run late we WILL miss every light on the road. When it's picture time I WILL experience angry red adult acne. My favorite shirt or pants WILL always be in the wash when I need it to go someplace. My kids WILL always have to use the potty in public despite forcing them to go at home. We WILL have an open schedule for most of the month and then have 5 things to do on the same day. Despite warnings, kids WILL always talk about the things you told them not to talk about. Nobody ever drops by our house unexpectedly when it's clean. When you prepare more than enough for a party people WILL cancel at the last minute. You WILL experience belching and farting pains at the most inopportune times, same goes for itching.
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