Friday, May 12, 2006

Excerpts From The Upcoming Novel, "Interview With An Infidel"

7 Words To Live By:
1. A cat can have kittens in the oven but that don't make em biscuits.-Quanell X, local Nation of Islam activist
2. Stop jumping around like a fart in a skillet.-My wise, old, El Camino driving deceased Great-Grandpa, Edmund Cook.
3. The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, I'm from the government and I'm here to help.-Ronald Reagan
4. Laugh and the World laughs with you, fart, and you stand alone.-A Brilliant Anonymous Philosopher
5. Borders, Language, Culture.-Michael Savage of The Paul Revere Society
6. He who live in glass house must not walk around butt naked.-Ancient Chinese Proverb
7. If it's brown, flush it down. If it's yellow, let it mellow.-An Unknown Water and Environmental Conservationist. (rumored to be an alliance between the singer-songwriter of 'Mellow Yellow' and the 'Mello Yello' soda company to drum up sales).
Honorable Mention
Here I sit all broken hearted, tried to poop but only farted.-Bathroom Stall At Pizza Hut

7 Family Nicknames:
1. Sunbum (my hippy daughter who spouts love, peace, and happiness)
2. Monkey (second oldest daughter with the loooong skinny arms and legs)
3. Buster and Charlie Brown (son with the big head who likes to wear yellow shirts)
4. Caterpillar (daughter with furry little eyebrows)
5. Boo (I'm not entirely sure why. Pottymouth Mom has informed me that this is slang for "FART" in Japanese. Nice.)
6. Stinkbug (self-explanatory)
7. Beast (that would be our chocolate Labrador. Of course, I call myself Beauty)

7 Surprising Things About Me:
1. I auditioned to be on the children's game show, Double Dare.
2. I can drive a forklift better than any other alpha female around.
3. I birthed kid number 4 in the bathtub completely alone. Papi delivered kid number 6 in our bathtub too while the midwives were still en route.
4. I actually did win many spelling competitions in my youth and I have a near photographic memory for words and names. In English, that is.
5. I once drove with a friend of mine onto the high school football practice field and did figure eights all over it.
6. I won the watermelon seed spitting contest at the Church Fourth of July party.
7. I lived with two gay men for awhile. It wasn't anything like 'Will and Grace' though. Not even a lower middle class version of it.

7 Things I Love About My Husband, Papi:
1. Strong work ethic and ambition.
2. Tolerates my dysfunctional family.
3. His gorgeous Roman nose, thick black hair, and copper colored eyes.
4. He's a nerd. I LOVE nerds!
5. Strict, demanding, but also loving to his children.
6. Considers us a team working together to meet life goals.
7. We are exactly the same heighth and shoe size which makes shopping for him much more convenient.

7 Of What I Consider The Worst Movies Of The Past Decade:
1. The Master Of Disguise (I flush my toilet in tribute to you and your career, Dana Carvey)
2. Legally Blonde 2 (I want to sue the film makers for my hour and a half of wasted life back)
3. A History Of Violence (far-fetched, unrealistic character reaction, thumbs down on Aragorn's unsightly naked butt. Blah.)
4. Fat Albert (Can you say, "Hey, hey, hey. Bombs away"?)
5. SharkBoy And LavaGirl (We watched it at the dollar cinema. That was .99 cents too much. That money would have been better invested in an antenna ball from Jack In The Box or a package of rubber hillbilly teeth from The Dollar Store.)
6. The Dukes Of Hazard (The first half was funny, I turned off the DVD in the middle of the second half. I'm no prude but they exceeded my maximum limit of pointless naked booby shots in a PG-13 film).
7. War Of The Worlds (Shockingly bad for such a big budget film. I hate it when we're not supposed to feel any sympathy for the bloody deaths of cursory characters and random people, only the stars. Also, how probable is it that cities are annihilated, but lo and behold Tom Cruise's family and ex's family are all safe. Most annoying is that his pregnant ex-wife looks like a freakin maternity fashion ad, and all her kin are scrubbed clean and dressed nice with nary a rubble pile on their street. In BOSTON. Right. Let's just suspend all belief and common sense, Spielberg)
Honorable Mention
Most classic children's books made into movie adaptations. Disney is like poison to these films. Sickest among them, Ella Enchanted, Tuck Everlasting, and Summer Of The Monkeys.

7 Things Most Often Heard In The Infidel Household:
1. Will somebody pleeeeaaaasssseee bring me some more toilet paper!
2. Your ass is grass, and I'm the lawnmower. (I stole that one from my police officer Grandpa)
3. Yeah, that could be possible, but then it could also be possible for me to sprout giant butt wings and fly away.
4. Pull up your pants. Cover your belly. Your underwear is sticking out. Those shorts have a hole in it. Dang! That must have shrunk in the wash. No, you may NOT wear that to Church.
5. Are you ever going to get off the computer?
6. You kids are driving me CRAZY!
7. Who colored on the wall this time? Who broke that? Who dropped this crap all over the floor? Why is your room such a freakin mess? Did you feed the dog? Did you finish your chores? Did you hit your brother/sister? Did you call your brother/sister that? No work, no eat.

7 Of My Favorite Things:
1. My kids and my husband.
2. The Internet
3. Tuna salad sandwiches, lemon cream pie, Nutter Butter cookies, cherry limeade, tapioca pudding, caramel sundaes, chocolate/peanut butter ice cream, zucchini, taco salad, raspberries, green olives, pepperoni and mushroom pizza, and shrimp (but only when someone peels them for me).
4. The Restoration Of The Gospel.
5. Canceled T.V. shows that get released on DVD. Especially Wonderfalls, Sledge Hammer, American Gothic, and In Living Color. (Looking for Friday the 13th:The Series)
6. The color green. Not Army green or "I'm barfing up pea soup" green but I like shades of lime, citron, forest, and emerald(my favorite gemstone).
7. Cooking, crafting, dispensing unwanted advice, gossiping with my Mom, and blogging.


Julie said...

Great list, as usual. Mmmmmmmmm....chocolate/peanut butter ice cream. I mourned when Breyer's stopped making it years ago. Very happy now that Farr's makes it so I don't have to go to Baskin Robbins and pay as much to by a freakin cone as I would to buy a quart at the store.

omar said...

Well crafted list, elastic. Some notes, in no particular order:

When you said SEVEN of your favorite things, I think you meant TWENTY-SEVEN.

Double Dare?! Marc Summers was HILARIOUS back in the day, when I was too young to really understand what funny was.

Note to self: watch second half of the Dukes of Hazzard.

I heard that once you give birth to more than three kids, any additional kids just slip right out. Now if you had done a C-SECTION in the tub by yourself, then I'd be impressed.

Is it any coincidence that your hubby delivered #6, and there hasn't been a #7?

(Is our blog relationship solid enough for me to not have to say "i'm just kidding" when making a joke that could be construed as insensitive or rude?)

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Yes, Julie but I love Baskin Robbins the most. Well worth the price for the creamy swirls of peanut butter. I hate the copycate brands that put peanut butter cups or bits of hard chocolate in the ice cream because I hate having to chew and chew freakin ice cream. It's supposed to be a relaxing and pleasurable experience like watching Lawrence Welk and his amazing bubble machine on a Sunday night with your Grandma.

omar, we are most definitely best blogging buds now, bro! Righteous! By the way, I'm not friggin Fraulein Maria that can fit all of my favorite things into a catchy little tune. Although, I do actually like raindrops on roses, and whiskers on kittens.

Mimo said...

Cool list! I love how you modified it to reflect the more important things in life.
Now I'm really curious what Papi looks like! I've never known a mexican nerd before.

Lianne said...

You are my kind of woman!

If you love emeralds, you may want to check out peridot as well. They are BEAUTIFUL!!! I'll take a picture of my peridot necklace and send it to you. You will break the 10th commandment.

Radioactive Jam said...

A fine list, though generally I go with buck naked (vs. butt).

Still. Since cherry limeade and caramel sundaes made the list I'm okay with everything else. And! I'm especially self-satisfied because I've seen *zero* - count 'em - *zero* of the entries in your Worst Movies section. Though I did almost watch the first 15 or 20 minutes of War Of The Worlds.

Also I don't expect many other 'alpha females' last very long in your company, what with your previously noted territorial tendencies. So the Best Forklift Driver claim seems a little... unverifiable.

Pisces Iscariot said...

Figure 8's on the football field?
Viva elastika! another blow against the imperialism of sport.

White Man Retarded said...

Yeah, football is such a waste of time. Not getting into the symbolism of it, it bugs me to hear all of this dramatic music surrounding the commercials advertising the Monday night games. Ugh. Football is gay. I liked War of the Worlds. I liked the way the people were burned by the aliens. FRIAZAH...creepy.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

It wasn't a movement against football. We were just two unruly girls who thought the idea of driving around the field sounded like fun. It took months to cover up the figure eights, and everybody was talking about in school on Monday wondering who would dare do such a thing. I guess I just admitted my guilt. Hope the statute of limitations has expired.

Lianne, my Mom's and youngest son's birthstone is a peridot. I need a mother's ring because all my kids have cool colored birthstones. Sapphire, emerald, diamond, pearl, and peridot. I only covet dark chocolate truffles not jewelry. Unless of course I could trade in a nice jeweled piece for some fine chocolates. That's totally different.

Yes mimo, I did modify the list. I gotta be me!

Lucky you radioactive that you tuned in here first thus saving you time, money, and irritable bowel reactions by avoiding the movies on my list. I AM the shizknittiest female forklift driver on the face of the planet Earth. Don't you forget it.

Moi said...

I like your list. I should have drawn outside the lines too.

Radioactive Jam said...

"Shizknittiest?" Imagine my surprise not finding any definitions for the word among Google's eighty bazillion known web pages.

Although there *was* one Sponsored Link:
Shizknits on Sale
Compare prices and save on a huge selection of Shizknits.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Yeah, you heard me right shizknittiest. I'm determined to foist my personal vernacular and street slang to every reader who crosses my path.

Assignment of the week:Use "shizknittiest" in a sentence.

wendela said...

Your list and you are truly amazing. I had no idea they still make Nutter Butter cookies. When I was a kid, there was a catchy TV ad (have a nudder nutter butter peanut butter samwich cookeeee).

Babies in the bathtub? Queen of the forklift? I stand in awe.

Pisces Iscariot said...

That jersey is the shiznittiest thing you've ever created mum.
(can be used as insult or compliment (or both))

Syar said...

what a fantabulous list. I loved wonderfalls! they cancelled that? but why? crazy lady, cute bartender in love with crazy lady, trailer parks and talking animal-faced paraphernalia! that was a great tv formula if I ever saw one!

sprouting giant butt life's to do list just expanded by a point.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

A+ for you Pisces! Except I threw a "k" into shizknittiest so that it would seem like a craft term rather than a coy way of using profanity.

syar, after watching the episodes of Wonderfalls on DVD from the library, I splurged and bought the box set for my birthday. There's only 13 episodes made and I'm on number 5 because I don't want the experience to ever end. I don't watch T.V., so I missed the show when it ran on television but after the first episode on DVD I was completely enamored with it. They said that it's loosely based on Joan Of Arc. It figures that a smart, funny, quirky, original, creative, and entertaining show was cancelled quickly. After all executives only want reality crap and formulaic sitcoms. Oh, and how many forensic shows and lawyer dramas do we really need? Everyone out there, find WonderFalls and watch it. You won't regret it.

Anonymous said...

A History of Violence made it on your list of 7 worst movies of all time?