Wednesday, May 10, 2006

More Reasons To Hate The French

I deceived you all in my last post. I emphatically stated that I'm not a name caller. That is a blatant untruth.

While working at Kroger's as a checker they imported a front end supervisor from another store. Chantal, a married woman from France in her late 40's, came to reign supreme over all us lowly service employees. Decades of unfettered sunbathing and habitual chain smoking left her resembling apiece of wrinkly prune fruit leather stuffed into a black polyester vest with matching slacks. From the getgo she proved an unworthy leader drunk with power and matched with a pissy demeanor. I likened her to a mini-Napoleon replete with accent, ridiculous uniform, and short man syndrome.

Chantal's husband piloted planes for Continental and frequently traveled out of town for lengthy periods leaving Chantal all by her lonesome. The moment she started working at our store she set her sights on my boyfriend. Granted, he did look a lot older than his 22 years, and at the age of 17 I shouldn't have been dating a balding man 5 years older than me that my Mother openly despised and called, "The Troll", but that's how the situation was. Every time I turned around, I caught Chantal sidling up to Troll, telling him how lonely she felt in her big house with her husband gone and if he could come over and help her "fix things". She even seductively invited him to go out and eat ice cream with her as if they were 12. I half expected her to ask him to couple skate with her at the roller skating rink too. Troll kept turning her down but Chantal persisted. In hindsight I should have let her have Troll. He turned out to be a former altar boy gone bad. Very, very bad, but I'm a territorial creature who takes revenge instead of peeing on things.

I liked to put crazy stickers from the grocery products on my name tag. My favorites included: Special, Fat Free, %90 Lean, Rump Roast, Juicy, Buy One Get One Free, Cupcake. I liked a festive name tag, Okay? It inspired my plan of action against Chantal. I got the sticky label off a loaf of bread, cut the section I wanted, applied double sided tape and stuck it next to her name on the gigundo employee chart displayed next to the customer service booth.

Everybody noticed it immediately and started laughing and so it came to pass that the name posted there was how Chantal henceforth was known at Kroger's all the rest of her employed days there. Crusty French Baguette.

21 comments:

White Man Retarded said...

They make some damn good bread, though...and cheese...

Julie said...

ha ha ha!
You're my newest daily read.
I always liked the avacado stickers that said "ripe for tonight".

Syar said...

I want to comment on this juicy piece of a post. I really do.

but all I can say is : ROTFLMAO.

I'd be disappointed for not leaving a cooler first comment, if I wasn't laughing so hard.

Pisces Iscariot said...

C'est diabolique!

White Man Retarded said...

I actually went to Central Market HEB on Westheimer yesteday to get some veggies for dinner tonight. I'm making stuffed pasta shells with fried eggplant and a fines herb cream sauce with chocolate mousse for dessert. When it comes down to it, I love the French. Yummy...Remember when the goofy people renamed french fries freedom fries? Right then I knew as a human race we lost it.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Yes Patrick and lest we forget French whine er, I mean wine. I love the French too for their decadent foods like "freedom toast" and their enjoyment of women in a "natural" state. i.e no overly excessive worries about pit and leg hair removal. C'est Magnifique! Are we invited to your soiree? I'll bring my famous stuffed jalapenos.

Welcome to the cult julie! Brother Jones is in charge of refreshments. Care for some red Kool-Aid? The avocado sticker quote made me actually laugh out loud. I've never seen one but that would make a fine addition to my collection.

syar!!! I've seen you hanging around. I noticed you because of your avatar. I harbor a secret fetish for wild socks and the ones with the toes in it are the best! My Mom gave me a pair of knee highs last week with a sassy Afroed girl on it that says DISCO QUEEN. I'm contemplating wearing them to Church.

Pisces, I assumed since you're South African that you speak French. Someday you'll have to get more introspective with your blogging audience. What I have so far is that you've lived in a buttload of countries, several continents, your best friend is Wayne :), you're an accomplished artiste and writer, we're political opposites, and you have a wife that keeps you in check. Tell us more, or do you prefer the life of an enigmatic blogger?

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Pisces, I should have read carrot's column earlier. Now I know lots and lots of good stuff about you.

omar said...

Mmmmmm, freedom toast.

This is a funny story, though I can't help but wonder if it would have been funnier if you had peed on her instead.

White Man Retarded said...

EWl, If you email me I'll give you directions to the house. What time do you have to be home to sleep in order to throw newspapers? Do your kids like video games? ?? We should have lots of food. Is Papi nice? I don't want him to beat me up or anything....

Mimo said...

Patrick you should be as brave around Papi as a French Soldier. :)

EWL, you are so creative!
Note to self: Never EVER get on EWL's bad side.

wendela said...

And I wanna hear all about you going to patrick's for dinner.

Julie said...

You are soooooooo wickedly hilarious!!! First I'm laughing at your comment on my blog, then I'm rolling over this newest post of yours. I wish I were so creative. Enjoy some freedom kissing with Papi tonight after your dinner of freedom toast and fries. Stay away from the baguettes, though. I hear they're nasty.

Pisces Iscariot said...

elastic, if you want info you gotta ask the right questions :-)
(No torture please)

Moi said...

I've spent all morning trying to think of something clever that you could have cut out, to go along with the crusty french baguette. Alas, I cannot think of anything more than french style green beans, and the movie Better Off Dead. That is why I can never work at the grocery store. I am not as clever as you.

White Man Retarded said...

Ha ha, EWL has brown-nosing groupies...

Lianne said...

C'est manifique!

My ex-husband is the Troll... because not only does he act like one, he looks like one!

And... my daughter is on a mission in France. LOVES the people, but they smoke like chimneys.

Moi said...

Lianne- you are a woman of many names, lol, how do you do that?

Elizabeth-W said...

EWL--Did you ever work at Piggly Wiggly? (Actually, I don't care if you did or not so much as I just want to give you more material to be funny about, and any place named P-W- has to be fodder for you. In the hierarchy of teenage jobs, surely KRoger is higher on the list.)

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Haha Patrick, Jealous much? It's my combination of effervescence and crudity. No one can resist me. I didn't see the invite until it was too late. My girls went to Achievement Days last night though so it wouldn't have worked out. I'm bitterly disappointed now.

Bienvenidos and Wilkommen Lianne, if that is your real name. Kudos to your mission serving daughter.

I pledge undying love to all the rest of you. Let's all hold hands and sway because I'd like to teach the World to sing in perfect harmony. However, I'm not gonna be the one holding hands with either Jennifer or Toby.

Mimo said...

Does that mean you'd like to buy the world a Coke? Make mine Diet.

Syar said...

I have an avatar? oh wait, my display picture. haha, silly me. I too love colourful toe socks, but have not had the chance to expand my collection of one.

yes, wear them to church and take pictures!