Saturday, July 22, 2006

A Rose By Any Other Name

Is there something about having the name, Sharon, that makes people a little off? I'm starting to see a disturbing pattern emerge here.

As a child, I had the most nightmarish baby sitter ever, named Sharon. My stepdad, already married to my Mother, was pursued relentlessly at work by an obese woman named Sharon, who was also married. Her grand pick up line? "Hey baby, do you wanna see my Rose Of Sharon"? My poor stepdad finally gave in, thinking that she would show him a vase with actual Rose Of Sharons(pictured above) in it, or a picture, but NO, she instead pulled out one of her saggy, floppy breasts to show off the giant red rose tattoo inked upon it. Flabbergasted, and possibly temporarily blinded, my stepdad said, "Oh good Lord, put that away"! Sharon smiled boldly and asked what he thought of her "Rose Of Sharon", to which my stepdad took an oath of silence. He ended up transferring out of there a few weeks later, mainly to get away from psycho Sharon.

Today, my Mom calls me with some disturbing news; her favorite bra was grievously stolen from her locker at the YMCA, while she exercised. No, she didn't lock it up like she should have. My Mom had her wallet, a gift bag for a friend and her lovely checkered ladybug pants (I have the matching pair!), all nestled together in the confines of the locker. Nothing else turned up missing but the brassiere. The lady who has a locker next to my Mom is named, surprise, surprise, SHARON, and the two of them have been feuding for the past several months. Nobody else was around at the time but Sharon. Usually, Sharon takes an inordinate amount of time primping and preening in the mirrors before she leaves. Well, today she left in a big hurry, still clad in her dripping wet bathing suit. So, my Mom is highly suspicious that she is indeed the unscrupulous bra thief. Irritated, my Mom had to meet her lunch date at a nice steakhouse; braless.

I told my Mom that I'd make her some giant posters featuring a replicated picture of the purloined brassiere this weekend to tape up in the YMCA dressing room.

REWARD
Missing Bra. White, stretchy, has extreme sentimental and uplifting value.
Answers to the name White Wonder.
Reward for any information leading to the recovery of the bra or apprehension of the wily bra thief who must be brought to justice.

12 comments:

compulsive writer said...

Oh my gosh! What would possess someone to steal someone else's brassiere?

I'm still contemplating why people named Sharon might have a predilection for bras and their contents--or in the case of your first story, that which escapes them.

White Wonder. That's a good one.

jams o donnell said...

We have Rose of Sharons everywhere here.. they are planning something. I give thanks I do not need a bra! On the other hand the not wife's sister is called Sharon and to my knowledge she has never, ever stolen a bra from a Houston gym....

Syar said...

"good lord put it away!"

I'm so amused. and disturbed that she'd whip it out like that. but still, very amused.

I've never had a bad encounter with a Sharon, but neither have I had a good one so I can't say much.

I've also never had my bra stolen. that's so devious. maybe that sharon stole the bra to give to the first sharon, as a lesson to never whip out her saggy boobage again and keep em contained.

must be a sharon thing.

wendela said...

Sounds like drama and thievery in the women's locker room. Your poster will help bring some needed justice. It needs to be posted directly on Sharon's locker. If that doesn't work, call Walker. You're in Texas, after all.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Well, compulsive, White Wonder was indeed stolen but my Mom still has the twin, Triple (D) Threat! Here's the behind the scenes story on YMCA Sharon. She enjoys walking around completely nude and using the whirlpool and sauna butt naked and without a towel to sit on. I understand the human body is beautiful, blah, blah, blah, but this isn't Europe, this is prudish America. My Mom had mentioned naked Sharon to me before and how repulsive and inconsiderate she was, well, somebody complained to YMCA management about Sharon, and they asked her to wear a swimsuit while in the sauna and pool, etc. She took offense, and somehow blamed my Mom as the culprit behind the complaint, which isn't true. Sharon likely turned bra bandit as a means of revenge.

Says YOU, jams. I already contacted Scotland Yard and the matter is still under investigation. What about Sharon Osborne? She's a little loopy too.

syar, my stepdad was a proper gentleman, and shocked beyond belief that this hussy Sharon was brazen enough to expose herself at work. Interesting idea about Sharon sharin' the bra. Like a Robin Hood of the lingerie set.

I can see it now wendela, "Tonight, on a very special episode of Walker, Texas Ranger, Walker find himself in the midst of his most dangerous mission yet; bickering middle aged suburban women. Can Walker solve the case of the missing over the shoulder boulder holder without using his over the shoulder holster? Stay tuned."

White Man Retarded said...

I've been rightly accused of stealing many braaieries in my day.

Moi said...

I believe they're called "brassieres" Pat. I like to call 'em over the shoulder boulder holders. Hey, if you can't buy one, steal one. Every lady needs one.

omar said...

Sharon Stone is OK though.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Patrick, You're like "The Hamburglar" of the bra World.

Actually, carrot, every lady probably needs one, but that doesn't mean every lady will wear one. I've seen an awful lot of women around here that decide to wear tank tops au naturel.

Yeah, Omar, Sharon Stone is okay, if you like women who enjoy exposing their nearly 50 year old hoo-hoos on camera for all the World to see.

mullet said...

it looks phallic

The Lazy Organizer said...

When your Mother aprehends the criminal, I think she should prosecute to the fullest extend of the brassiere.

Orion's Mom said...

People are amazing. I have the same feelings about the name ROGER, but my husband hasn't had the same experiences, so maybe it's something to do with our own circle of influence. :)