Wednesday, August 02, 2006

The Battle Begins


I'm a war mongering woman, and this time I'm taking no prisoners. Our house has been invaded by an enemy so wretched, that even if you kill them they leave behind their larvae spawn that will eventually rise up and attack all over again. The cycle must be broken or they'll continually infest their chosen prey.........your pantry contents. Yes, this is an Indian Cornmeal Moth purported to be an irritating succubus creature, robbing hapless victims of their stored foods and squashing grocery budgets everywhere. I had to throw out almost all our boxed products thanks to them and it cost me a fortune to replace. Apparently, they particularly thrive on cornmeal thus giving them the name Indian Corn Meal Moth, and they enter one's home surreptitiously by hiding in store bought packages. They used my box of Cocoa Crispies as a makeshift Trojan Horse to gain entry into my pantry. Sneaky. Once in, they proliferate wildly (nasty horny moths), and eat everything in sight before pupating, and morphing once again into voracious mooches. Houston is ground zero for insects of all sizes, colors, creeds, ethnicities. We're so very diverse! The Indian Cornmeal moth has been the scourge of many a Houston family, but I'm determined to tenaciously fight their hostile takeover with all my magnificent weaponry.


This is my battle instrument of choice against these insidious vermin. Supposedly, a cloved orange is like Kryptonite to them, weakening, and driving them away to bug other people. Personally, I don't really have a problem at all with evicting them to go infest my neighbors house. So, I methodically studded the orange with a surge of hope in my heart for an end to all the madness. We try to avoid chemical sprays at all costs and we look to natural remedies first. Yeah, I DO own a pair of Birkenstocks and several tie-dyed shirts. What's it to you?

It was then that I realized that we had all the makings of an epic struggle going on right in our very own home. The studded orange looks an awful lot like the hellraisin Pinhead, am I right? So, essentially I'm sending in an effigy of him to fight my moth infestation battles.

Mothman, the fearsome winged creature that's incited many a nightmare and even inspired a movie, "based on a true story", no less. That's what I equivocate this skirmish to be. Pinhead vs. Mothman. Who will reign victorious? Who will go home with the consolation prize of one year free Bubbles car washes? Who will win the skanky groupie still hanging around from the Freddy vs. Jason fight? I'm putting my money on Pinhead. If he fails though, I have a back up super secret weapon to implement for round 2...............bay leaves.

31 comments:

omar said...

Ha, you're a hippie.

But seriously, that's nasty. The day I see one of those in a box of cereal... well, that'll just be one horrible day, that's all.

Lianne said...

Wow, excellent tale of revenge and death complete with pictures.

I am terrified of moths. One of my little secrets.

jams o donnell said...

Hmm being a bit more temperate wse don't get quite the same sort of flying fauna you get... On type of beetle that makes its way into the house in late spring though (and is harmless - I hope!) is the Cockchafer

the flying monkeys said...

i hate the buzzing noise of a fly and cannot stand the cockroach...

White Man Retarded said...

I wish you wouldn't post my picture on your blog.

Elizabeth-W said...

I can't wait to find out who wins! I read that ants don't like cloves either, and tried that once, and it worked.

jazz said...

we may both be fans of omar. but i'm not a fan of bugs. your pictures on this post scared me.

welcome to the circle. i like to think i'm the person who brought all these people together but it was probably (definitely) intern andy who introduced us all. welcome welcome!

wendela said...

I don't know what the bugs are called here, but I can't stand them. All boxed or bagged things are always either put in a big zip-lock bag (even the big cereal boxes) or tupperware. Then if something's in them, you can tell and get rid of it. Always have done that and no problems. Anyway, if the cloves and bay leaves don't do it, I heard there's a moth trap that attracts them with a pheremone.

I liked your Trojan Horse to gain entry to the pantry story. Not that the moths happened, just the whole creative thing you have going there. :)

elasticwaistbandlady said...

I'm not actually sure which pantry product is the culprit, Omar. I just said Cocoa Crispies because if I was a moth, that's the food source I'd choose.

Terrified of moths, lianne? Really? If you lived in Texas, you'd know that there are much worse bugs to come across than a moth. At least they don't sting, and some of them are gorgeously patterned like butterflies.

jams, just by virtue of it's cringe inducing name, I'm assuming that getting a Cockchafer is pales in comparison to a cockroach, or moths.

oboku, we have giant swarming tiger mosquitos here too. They actually target and hunt people with their amazing sensory system and have an ultra whiny buzz to accompany their bite. Hey, is alanis your daughter? She's adorable. I've been slacking in the blog department this week because of work, but I'll make it back to your place soon.

Well, elizabeth, if the movies are any indication both Pinhead and Mothman are noted to have actually tried to help people at various times in addition to causing death and mayhem. It might be an even draw. In which case we'll have to go tag team to find a victor. I wonder if Chuck Norris and Jean Claude Van Damme are busy? That match would solve one of life's greatest mysteries. I say Chuck is more B.A. than Van Damme.

Welcome to the chanting cult of personality, jazz! I wanted to hang around with you because they say that the more time you spend with someone, you'll start to look like one another, and damn, I want my boobs to look that good too. Nursing six kids has made me resemble something tribal from the pages of National Geographic, minus the bamboo stuck through the nipples.

wendela, I have seen those all natural moth traps on the Internet, but they're costly. I try to freeze stuff before putting it into air tight ccontainers now after a flour bag weevil infestation last year. Good Lord, the bug epidemic never ends here. I like carrot jello talking about her ants because I've been reading other LDS women blogs and they don't fess up to nothing. It's all sunshine and rainbows in their little Worlds with nary a scary insect in sight. They need some excitement to liven up their blogs. Maybe I'll box up some of my moths for them.

omar said...

"Nursing six kids has made me resemble something tribal from the pages of National Geographic, minus the bamboo stuck through the nipples."

Sometimes, I...

You just...

Never mind.

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

I'm appalled. BIRKENSTOCKS??

I'll be interested to hear how your cloved orange plan of attack works out. We tend to be "Raid" fans over here, but a cloved orange would smell much better, let me just say.

I was going to say... Nice boobs.

wendela said...

Yeah, I noticed some don't fess up. You are a beacon of truth, elastic! ;-)

Wow, kindred spirits! I always mention my own resemblance to a National Geo sort of woman, too - in those same words (sans the bamboo reference). Good to know we think (and hang) alike, elastic (little did you know).

the flying monkeys said...

Can you box up some of your moths for me?

Julie said...

I found a spider in my bowl of raisin bran once. I nearly threw up. It was a VERY long time before I could eat raisin bran again.

You know what one old saggy boob said to the other?








If we don't get some support around here, people are gonna think we're nuts!

White Man Retarded said...

Julie, I don't get it...

What do you call a Jamaican gynecologist?







Pokemon

White Man Retarded said...

I have a new name for you--The Wiley Zinfandel. Your posts age like a fine wine. Or fine whine?

Emily said...

I have ants, lots of ants. I ignore them. It takes a good weevil infestation to ruin my day.

mullet said...

Patrick brainwashed chocolate capitalist....you got split personalities? You following in Prince's footsteps?
What did the old saggy boob say to the other? How's it hangin'?

the flying monkeys said...

What did the old saggy boob say to the other?

old saggy boob: Ooo!

other old saggy boob: Have you had awful plastic surgery in a foreign country?

Moi said...

I was eating cereal one morning. I kept thinking, "Hmmm, this tastes like spray paint." I looked down, and there were dead ants floating in my bowl. Cheer up, everyone has to deal with something. Actually, I'm just trying to make myself feel better.

Stu said...

Dude, that is scary. Clove-Head. Really, I'm now officially afraid of produce.

forecast calls for rain said...

I'm so excited to have located your blog. I've seen that mysterious frog randomly popping up comments on other blogs I read and they are always SO funny. Now I have the source of the original. I will visit often and laugh.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

I'm still making corrections to our skit and dialogue to be presented TOMORROW! I'm nervous that my oddball humor will get us thrown out of the homeschool group. Yes, my blogger addiction still persists. Yes, all of the comments given feed the attention whore monster within me. Yes, I love it, and appreciate all of you and the few minutes a day you take out of your life to visit.

wow wendela, our boobage has something in common. Awesome, now we can all be friends. My boobs are uniters, not dividers!

I'm loving how the mortal struggle with household pests has given way to the saggy boob comedy hour, complete with jokes. Never, in my wildest imagination, would I have ever linked those two topics.

You guys are such a fabulous creative collective that keep me entertained. I'm adding everybody to my Christmas gift list!!!!

wendela said...

Umm, just don't send me cereal for Christmas, elastic (or any cereal from carrot's place, either).

Good luck w/the homeschool extravaganza!

the flying monkeys said...

please send me a box of moths

mullet said...

why, obokun close?

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Wendela, we bought a bunch of airtight containers for all our cereals because I never want to have to go through throwing everything away again. Now, as we're going through cereal boxes something interesting was noted. Moths in the mini-frosted wheat box, Rice Krispies, Honey Bunches Of Oats, and Life. However, there was zero moth activity in my all natural granola cereal and my box of Kashi. I'm going to seek out scientific funding to find out why moths are more prone to the junk food junkie side.

obokun, The moths wouldn't make it through customs. You'll just have to make do with English moths to start your own silver gel pen/eyeshadow factory. I could, however, send you a box of MOTH BALLS. Oh, poor little moths.

the flying monkeys said...

elasticwaistbandlady,
Mothballs contain PDB and can get you high. I do not want to get high. But thanks for suggesting English moths. Good idea.

say_no_to_mullets,
I was simply having thoughts of hiding the box in a container in Redwine's yard. Also having thoughts of starting my own complete moth collection. I honestly wasn't thinking of slaying them all, if thats what you are thinking!

RC said...

that's a disgusting collections of pictures to go w/ your bugged out story.

--RC of strangeculture.blogspot.com

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Ummmm, obokun, MOTH BALLS was a double entendre. Hence me saying "poor little moths". ;) Sometimes I think crass American humour might differ from crass British humour.

R.C., you live in Texas too. Beware the ides of moth!

mullet said...

haha obokun close, not at all - i was just intrigued