Wednesday, August 09, 2006

To Know Me Is To Love Me

My Kroger Love Nest
After years of waiting and wondering, it's finally happened. I've been hit on by an old man. In the interest of political correctness, I've earnestly campaigned to diversify my fan club for quite some time to include people of all races, ideologies, nerd level, and watermelon seed spitting abilities. Alas, the interest of a white man from the baby boomer generation eluded me.........until now.

Frequent Kroger shoppers that we are, the employees mostly know me and my Infidel spawn by name. My newest admirer works the graveyard shift because he's a teacher by day. Due to my glamorous occupation as a newspaper slinging "Lady Of The Night", I visit him frequently in the quiet pre-dawn hours. We've all come to know him as "Matzo Man". Whenever I park next to his car, it's usually filled with cases of matzo crackers, so I assumed that he must be Jewish. That is, until I noticed the huge Bible in the back window with the giant cross on the front. Turns out, he's on a low sodium diet and he picked up the unsold matzos at the end of Passover for a bargain basement price.

I've known him for years. He has a daughter older than me. I've met his wife. He knows my Papi and kids too. Okay, so it started with him sneaking up behind me in the store two weeks ago and he started rubbing my shoulders. I nearly pulled an Angela Merkel Chancellor defensive death move on him. Then, early Saturday morning, he strategically cornered me into a vulnerable position along the desolate Goldfish aisle and impishly said, "Hey, do you want my buns"? Ummm, what? Matzo Man repeated his line and then brought forth a plastic bag containing two sandwich buns left over from a package of 8. I rejected his buns because they looked pasty white and seedy. My Papi understands and appreciates the fact that I don't care for white buns! Then he proceeded to follow me through the store and placed his hand over mine while I pushed the shopping cart. Personal space intruder alert, personal space intruder alert!

What in the World has possessed my Matzo Man? Could it be the seductive way I sashay through the clearance section in my dollar store flip flops picking up dented boxes of Pop Tarts and nearly expired pickles? Is it the concentrated discernment I use to pick out only the fluffiest brands of toilet paper? Is it the allure of the ultra sexy polo shirts and khaki shorts that I always wear? Could I have unwittingly enticed him by my clandestine wedgie pulls that I thought nobody else could see? Perhaps, it's the way I shamelessly croon off key to the delights of Kroger Radio? Especially when they're playing "Everything I Own", by Bread, and "The Pina Colada Song". Maybe the mesmerizing jiggle of my enormous azz is the culprit? Could he have mistook my heavy breathing from loading newspapers as a veiled ploy? Could it be that he just likes fat, filthy, sweaty women covered in newspaper ink?

Why, oh why, have I been cursed with such irresistibly vixenish ways?


Elizabeth-W said...

Perhaps you have been cursed with irresistible vixen ways because in a previous life you were Mae West.
Okay it doesn't fit the LDS cosmology, so maybe you chose this "trial" in the pre-existence.

omar said...

My dream is to get hit on by a 40+ year old woman before I turn 30 (next year).

I would have been SOOO jealous if Matzo Man's wife had hit on you instead.

White Man Retarded said...

True story: Marilyn Monroe was served Matzo Ball soup, to which she replied, "What other parts of the Matzo do they eat?".

the flying monkeys said...

Here is calling the elasticwaistbandlady protection unit to your rescue!

Poor Matzo Man, can he say gorgeous? I think his eyes cannot choose but see a miraculous mesmerizing personality, an irresistibly irresistible personality, a talented, hot, sexy and irresistibly attractive lady. Grrrrr!!! His mind must be possessed in an unlimited way. I can imagine his suffering. Just hope his heart does not have an attack thinking of you.

jams o donnell said...

Tsk Elasticwaistbandlady. I would recommend your wear Burqa on future shopping trips!

tom said...

I laughed and almost fell off my chair reading this. Can I join Obokun's protection unit?

wendela said...

"Matzo Man"- isn't that a song by The Village People?

What can I say, elastic? Sounds like you now have an international fan club. I've watched your meteoric rise and give you my congratulations. :)

Mimo said...

Does Matzo man still have his arms?

elasticwaistbandlady said...

elizabeth, I was a chiken in my past life which explains my superb chicken dancing prowess. Did you know that Salvador Dali was obsessed with Mae West and painted some really odd pictures and designed a lip shaped couch in honor of her? Weird.

Matzo Man's wife is corpulent. Obviously, he's a chubby chaser to the nth degree! Oh Omar, to dream a little dream of horny middle aged women. Nice.

That's gross PH! I never eat Matzo Ball soup, only Matzo BALLS soup. "Betcha can't eat just one"!

Obokun, how I admire your vivid imagination. I'm already well armed with my arsenal of fly swatters. I felt badly for Matzo Man, finding me attractive signifies the first stages of acute brain rot.

Sadly jams, my Burqa shrunk in the wash. Now I look like a go-go dancer version of "The Flying Nun"!

Tom, you know how the Pope has a shielded glass Popemobile? I want a protective barrier shopping cart to ward off lecherous old men. Can you design something? Make sure it has a built in cup holder, and rearview mirror too, so I can be wary of sneak attacks.

Thanks wendela, I'll gladly share the wealth of creepy old dudes with you. I'll just mark Matzo Man with a few Kroger stickers that say "clearance", or "damaged goods", and send him out to Cali.

mimo, It was 5 oclock in the morning and both times he took me by surprise. I thought my pimple dimple was enough to ward off such unwanted advances. *sigh*

Lia said...

Freakish. But you might as well enjoy the compliment. And change your shopping habits.

Or, you could report him. But he was probably trying to be funny.

Moi said...

Hmmm...Elastic? I'd think I'd worry more about Obokun more than matzo man, lol.

Lianne said...

Strange doings in Kroegers indeed! I'm sorry, I would so not put up with a stranger (albeit a stranger you have become familiar with) being in my personal space. That is just plain creepy.

I hate to sound all doom and gloomy, but be wary of him, even if he is old.

the flying monkeys said...


Had it been you, who had a hit on my elasticwaistbandlady, I would have shown further extreme cupidity.

I only became this covetous after I became a member of the protection unit. :)

Radioactive Jam said...

Most likely it's a pickles and matzos connection. Recommend you avoid kosher for a while. Wait, he *wasn't* Jewish, right? So - hmm.

Have you tried farting in his general direction? If so, stop; he might like it. Otherwise start.

That's all I got.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

lia, When a guy touches your hair and remarks on how "pretty" it is, and makes a habit of sneaking up behind you in the interest of gaining a quick physical touch, it's not funny. I've just been avoiding middle of the night Kroger excursions since last Saturday. He leaves at 5:30 AM, so I'm safe to shop after that time. I'm hoping that when school starts back up, he'll drastically cut back his Kroger hours.

The real joke here is that I'm a plain,fat,conservative Mormon mom of six kids that dresses modestly at all times. I'm allergic to most makeup, perfume, etc. and the smell of hairspray makes me nauseous. Any guys turned on by my physical description yet? I didn't think so. No, Matzo Man has some deeply rooted problems!

Ahhh radioactive jam, Farting IS funny, but ultimately not the solution to all of life's troubles. I never thought I'd say that.

Syar said...

"My Papi understands and appreciates the fact that I don't care for white buns!"

LOL. I tell you, it must be your amazing humour that attracts those men. at his age, matzo man could probably only have survived a chuckle, two giggles and a guffaw.