Sunday, September 17, 2006

I Know What Boys Like

I Know What Guys Want. I Know What Boys Like. Boys Like....

My crusty 8 year old Chevrolet Astro Van!

Something strange is afoot in the suburbs of Houston. Something that men seem completely powerless to resist. Something so alluring, they feel inexplicably drawn to my front door. What forces of nature are at work to render men so hypnotized by a dented, ugly, pukealicious, forest green, metal mass? Not even the famed Inspector Clousseau can solve this one.

The first inquiry came about six months ago with a middle aged Hispanic man rapping on my door wanting to pay me cash on the spot for my van. Laughingly, I told him that it wasn't for sale. Internally, I thought, "Holy crap! You can't perpetrate April Fool's Day jokes in March. What's wrong with you?"

Another month passed, and again a man knocked on my door with a hopeful, pleading look in his eyes wanting to purchase the van. Okay, that's just weird. I kindly explained that this is our paid off, trusty work vehicle. For the right price, we would sell, but not for the pittance people have offered. Disappointed, he trudged back down the driveway to his BRAND NEW BLACK HONDA SPORTS CAR! What?!!!!???

This was no fluke. No less than six men in six months have come a knocking, seeking possession of this by now, exalted, sacred cow like vehicle. I looked online and discovered that Chevrolet stopped production of their Astro model back in 2005, thus making my van a highly sought after prized jewel. It's built on a truck chassis, making it sturdier for work purposes than other mini vans that are constructed on a car frame. That means it's strong enough for your friendly neighborhood amateur Sumo Wrestling Team (don't forget to put towels on the seats. Ewww!), but made for a typical suburban soccer mom.

Should I inform the next potential bidder about the fossilized French Fries in every compartment? Or that you can decipher the age of the vehicle by counting up the crusted milk rings left on the upholstery? Maybe the surefire selling points would include the lack of air conditioning, and crayon graffiti scribbled across the back of the seats? It also holds that delightful scent of butt sweat odor that permeates when you don't have the luxury of air conditioning in a climate of 100% humidity. My daughter, Sunbum, once asked what the purpose was for all the little pull out trays with cigarette symbols printed on them. I told her that it meant that our van was chock full of ash holes.

Don't go ogling my van unless you got the money, honey. It may become so rare, that I can start charging admission to my driveway just to look at the Dodo bird of cars. I'll start opening up online bidding soon. Who wants a near extinct van loaded with top of the line A.M/F.M radio, sticky cup holders, and lots of big ash holes?


Angela said...

Yeah, that would be really weird if people came knocking on my door like that.

Funny though.

No AC in Texas? Ay yi yi! I thought non-tinted windows in Texas was brutal.

Mormon Family Man said...

Despite your vivid description of a nightmarish interior, I must say that your van has a very waxed and polished exterior.

Having said that, how many miles do you have on it, and do you deliver?

Elizabeth-W said...

No A/C in Houston? Are you insane??? Why haven't you been arrested for child endangerment?! Are you trying to make up for not coming from pioneer stock by living like the pioneers? :)

mullet said...

no money no honey....sounds like that vehicle belonging to that nice nurse out of kill bill might have given these men an idea!

jams o donnell said...

well there you go wlasticwaistbandlady, who needs an AC Cobra or an Aston Martin.... Obviously it is a good workhoorse of a vehicle. also not bad for up to 7 passengers?

Surprisingly nobody comes a knocking to offer a good price on my 16 year old Toyota Corrolla. Not that is a crock.. it just does not have the same cachet as your set of wheels!

Lianne said...

I think you should ask $35K for it and be done with it.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Angela, It happens every time I'm on the phone, without a bra, and the everything messy. That's the ONLY time people knock on the door for stuff. I must never go braless again.

We travel down the road listening to the classic rock station. That means we are a moving mass of "Sweating To The Oldies" devotees minus tank topped fitness maniac, Richard Simmons. Before you and elizabeth call the authorities, we rarely travel all together in the van(at least not in the summer). It's mainly for work.

Fess up, MFM! What bad habits have you taken up that you need something equipped with a copious amount of ash holes? Don't you have ash holes in Utah? Also, I took a side view shot that neglected to show everything on this 200,000 miled beast. I've had the rear doors replaced 3 times from people not paying attention and slamming into me while I'm stopped at red lights or exiting parking lots. The last officer recommended that we just paint a bullseye on the back. :)

I've never seen Kill Bill, mullet. I have to say that's this would make a sweet little assassin vehicle. Lots of head room for mafioso with hats, storage in the back for weapons, cargo area for dead bodies......

jams, 8 passengers and whoever agrees to be tied down to the roof rack! I'm trying to be humble, I hope that flaunting my sexy van didn't make you feel auto envy towards me.

lianne, I'm waiting to make my move as they become more scarce and collectible.

No Cool Story said...

They are trying to make it into a "Party Van": ash-holes. mummified fries, the's all so retro.
And you know, eventually, those 200,000 miles makes it possible for someone to use it as home.
If I were you, I'd up the price by adding some of your "Hair Art"

A Payne said...

Secret Agent Man was so fascinated with your story, he wants to try parking the 96 Red Nissan Quest Van in the driveway instead of the garage, in the hopes of having a similar experience.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Listen ladies, now that I've featured the van on a site that receives international visitors, I can charge even more for it. Don't hate me because my van is beautiful.